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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 19/04/2022 20:30

Gosh marriage is so stifling for some people. It is possible to live (laugh love 🤮) without having your husband there for every second of it. Not judging those who prefer to live in each other’s pockets, just saying there are other ways to have a relationship.

I’d do what suits you, OP. A hol with your friend, partners optional, sounds fine to me. If your H doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays then I don’t see how he could object as presumably he wasn’t planning to make a fuss of you anyway?

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 20:33

Why does the DSS even need to know? It has nothing to do with him and he is going to be in school. OP and her best friend’s children aren’t even going to be in reception, so who is to say that they are going to tell their older sibling where they went or even understand themselves where they are going. The only person who would be telling DSS is his dad and his dad is the one who is making this awkward when he could use the time to spend it with his son.

Curious OP, how much time does your DH actually spend with his son alone?

WindyKnickers · 19/04/2022 20:36

[quote TheGirlWhoLived]@WindyKnickers Maybe the difference is that I have taken an older child out in term time. The holiday is planned in term time, if dss cannot attend the planned holiday then they should do something else with him at a different time when he can attend 🤷🏼‍♀️[/quote]
I agree. I wouldn't take my older children out of school in term time for more than a day or 2 and would feel pretty aggrieved at being made out to be the arsehole by protesting if their dad wanted to. If it really was the only opportunity for a once in a lifetime holiday I would be more open to the idea, but not so they could tag along to disney with some pre-schoolers. The dad should arrange a family holiday that includes DSS from the get go and let the OP go off on her jollies as she would prefer anyway. Win win.

Watapalava · 19/04/2022 20:36

This is an odd set up

I’d happily let Dh go on a lads holiday but to take my dc and leave me at home I’d be right pissed off

Going with your friend is fine

Going with friends and kids and no Dh is weird in itself

Very odd op

TheGirlWhoLived · 19/04/2022 20:38

Yeah @WindyKnickers I agree, you’re right it’s not fair to ‘blame’ the mum - I wasn’t thinking about it from her angle

LuaDipa · 19/04/2022 20:40

@MichelleScarn

Are people really insisting the op and her friend organise their big birthday fun around the DSS?
This.

It’s not like they actually care if the dh’s are there or not so doesn’t have to be a family holiday. They can do that another time.

I’m also curious why dh even wants to come along when he’s apparently usually so blasé about birthdays. Could it be that he’s not happy about having to entertain his dc himself?

It’s your birthday, just book the holiday for you, friend and the kids while the husband’s stay home and enjoy.

Bikeybikeface · 19/04/2022 20:41

Oh god, give me a 10yo over preschool children anytime, I think I’d take 20 10yo over 1 toddler!
I think you’ve already made your mind up so I’m not sure why you posted in AIBU. You don’t want to take him, that’s the be all and end all of it. You don’t have to take him, that’s your prerogative, that’s the kind of person you want to be and that’s fine. It’s not the kind of person I can relate to but we are all different.

konasana · 19/04/2022 20:42

YANBU! Go on your girls trip, it sounds amazing. Some of these responses are baffling!

Eddielizzard · 19/04/2022 20:43

What SimonedeBeauvoirscat said

MangshorJhol · 19/04/2022 20:45

But if you are willing to take a husband and a small child then it IS a family holiday. The only person being excluded is a ten year old. Whom you don’t want to take (the school holidays aside) because he’s…ten.
I have a 10 and a 5 year old and they get in great and we have just been on holiday and it’s been absolutely fine.

So what a family holiday means here is ‘my’ family which doesn’t include DH’s child? (Aka even if the mum agreed and he could come it would be awkward because he’s ten…and your mate doesn’t know him even though most of the people on holiday, aka you, your son and DH do…).

Bagadverts · 19/04/2022 20:49

I have no experience of step family to comment on that dynamic.

this is a trip of a lifetime with memories of your children doing something special. They will not remember. it is a shame that your husband will not have those memories or be able to discuss with you or the children in the future. You may or may not remain close to your friend (not falling out but moving house, circumstances changing such as a disability or death in one of your families. Yes it is possible that you will split from your husband but he will always be their father.)

If your husband is ok with that that’s fine.

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 20:50

I’d happily let Dh go on a lads holiday but to take my dc and leave me at home I’d be right pissed off

And some of us would be happy as a clam to have a house to ourselves while our spouses took the kids somewhere else.

Mingmoo · 19/04/2022 20:53

I think you'll look back on this when your DC is ten and feel like a shit. A ten-year-old knows they're being excluded, and it hurts, and they don't have the emotional range to cope with it whereas you, an adult, can adjust your expectations to suit your actual situation, which is being a stepmother. You seem to want a family holiday without taking him and you're happy to sacrifice your DH's presence to achieve it. YA absolutely BU.

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 20:53

I think a holiday of a lifetime is different to a girls’ holiday. A holiday of a lifetime would be with those I am closest to

Dameputtingonabraveface · 19/04/2022 20:54

@20:30SimonedeBeauvoirscat nails it. At no point has OP mentioned excluding DH and DSC. She has plans with a friend and their DC which do not include her DH or his child and never have. Late DH used to take our DC away by himself, as did I. He had older children and often they were included in these plans, often not. Sometimes they joined us, often they went away with the other parent and our DC was not included and I would not of expected them to be. Blended families are complex but people on mumsnet seem to be so bloody obtuse about the whole subject.

Two grown up women with children of the same age have arranged a birthday trip with their children who know each other well. Suddenly it becomes about leaving out a step child and not being in a loving relationship because the partner and his child does not factor in the plans.

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2022 20:55

@phoenixrosehere

I’d happily let Dh go on a lads holiday but to take my dc and leave me at home I’d be right pissed off

And some of us would be happy as a clam to have a house to ourselves while our spouses took the kids somewhere else.

Home alone! That would be a fantastic holiday!!
SophieSoSo · 19/04/2022 20:58

For gods sake IS IT DISNEY??

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 21:02

Home alone! That would be a fantastic holiday!!

Right. I can count on one hand how many time I’ve gotten that since having children and we’ve been in our home for four years. I’ve gone on more solo trips and holidays and trips without DH with our sons more than I’ve actually been alone in our house.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 21:04

@toomuchlaundry

I would find it strange to go on a once in a lifetime holiday with a friend rather than your family.

Will your small DC actually appreciate such a holiday, would your DH and DSS like that sort of holiday more?

@toomuchlaundry

Omg! It’s not about what her husband would prefer! It’s not about what her step son would prefer! So what if they would?! It’s about what she would prefer. It’s her birthday, her trip that’s what takes precedence and if that means going with her pal so be it.

Honestly on mumsnet a woman taking precedence and centring her own needs (around her milestone birthday) really blows some people’s minds doesn’t it?

Pegasaurus · 19/04/2022 21:05

Just go with your friend and the two young DCs and book another holiday which includes DH and DSS for a different occasion

It really is this simple.

My DC didn't expect (or want) to go on every holiday with my ex and his new partner & kids, some they went, some they didn't and some they went away with just their dad.
I would imagine DSS will enjoy the time at home with his dad to himself.

Enjoy your holiday!

user1506328491 · 19/04/2022 21:06

If DH and DSS both don't come it's fine. It would be a problem if your DH went and the DSS was the only one left out.

Guineapigssweak · 19/04/2022 21:07

Go and have fun. You do not have to take your dss everywhere with you and you are allowed to spend alone time with just your children on holiday. You husband can always arrange one if he wants his son to go another time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 21:08

@Bagadverts

I have no experience of step family to comment on that dynamic.

this is a trip of a lifetime with memories of your children doing something special. They will not remember. it is a shame that your husband will not have those memories or be able to discuss with you or the children in the future. You may or may not remain close to your friend (not falling out but moving house, circumstances changing such as a disability or death in one of your families. Yes it is possible that you will split from your husband but he will always be their father.)

If your husband is ok with that that’s fine.

@Bagadverts Again, the kids memories, the husbands memories… errr it’s OP’s birthday and her birthday trip! She gets to decide how it works no one else
Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 21:08

DSS will find out from his little brother. He’ll be excited to tell him he’s been on a plane/boat /met buzz light year etc.
I do think location makes a difference.

AndAsIfByMagic · 19/04/2022 21:12

Laughable reaches from those who think the world should revolve around DSS.

If your DH isn't comfortable going without DSS then he doesn't have to go.

Don't you dare change your and your friend's plans for a wonderful birthday. You deserve it.

Ignore the vipers? Hate you forever? Hilarious!

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