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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 19:34

So an 11 yo with a bunch of children under 5?

That does change the dynamic.

I also think your DH could just as easily take his son on a separate holiday if he is willing to pay the difference which I bet his son would appreciate having that alone time with his father way more than celebrating his stepmother’s birthday with his half-sibling and people he has never met.

It isn’t fair to you nor your best friend to have to make changes for your birthdays because your DH feels guilty. That guilt has nothing to do with you or them and I bet his ex wouldn’t be proposing to take your child on a holiday if the shoe was on the other foot.

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 19:35

It's not really a girls holiday if DC are going

What sort of activities would pre-schoolers like on a once in lifetime holiday? You do realise they won't remember this once in a lifetime holiday

angelaEhen · 19/04/2022 19:35

Little kids love Big kids, so I don't see any problem with him coming. Just invite him and leave it up to his mum to decide. Although it does sound like you're looking for a reason to exclude him

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:35

@Iflyaway

Tell him it's a girl's holiday.

Sorted.

He should be open to that.

It's like that... But with our DC.

We both do want to take the DC, we like spending time together just me her and them. We do a lot together me, her, my DS and her DS and DD.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 19/04/2022 19:36

Are people really insisting the op and her friend organise their big birthday fun around the DSS?

FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 19:36

It would be shitty if your DH to go on holiday with only one of his children, so he shouldn’t go, but you and your friend aren’t obliged to go in school holidays.

Make it a friend holiday and not a family holiday and you don’t have a problem.

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 19:37

Do you not want to go on a once in a lifetime holiday with your DH?

HerbErtlinger · 19/04/2022 19:38

I have an 11 year old and a 4 year old and they are world's apart. Trying to find activities that aren't too boring for either of them is always a massive headache, I can understand the reluctance

gogohm · 19/04/2022 19:38

Sorry it's another case of you chose a man with a child, go with your friend, no husbands, completely unfair for him to come without his son

MissStarry · 19/04/2022 19:38

Would it be excluding if OPs child wasn’t invited on a holiday that DSS was going on with his own mother? Thought not.

I agree that the ideal scenario would be your DH arranging a family holiday for another time. This isn’t a family holiday, it’s a birthday celebration.

BeetyAxe · 19/04/2022 19:40

Do not change your plans for the DSS or your husband, do what you both want to do and don’t feel guilty about it in the slightest.

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 19:40

It would be shitty if your DH to go on holiday with only one of his children.

Why? It was the norm for my sister and I and many of our friends and family to go off with one parent for the holidays.

Plus, this is her DH’s first child who doesn’t sound like he lives with them so he likely spends a lot of time sharing his dad with his younger siblings. You really think a 10/11 yo boy wouldn’t want to go on holiday with just his dad? Why?

FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 19:41

Would it be excluding if OPs child wasn’t invited on a holiday that DSS was going on with his own mother? Thought not.

It would be if the OPs partner went too. The difference is whether a parent in the situation is going away with both their children or only one of them.

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 19:41

*for a holiday

ancientgran · 19/04/2022 19:41

@Ducksurprise

Ignore the disingenuous, of course entertaining a 10 year old is different to a toddler/not 10 year old

Agree have another holiday with the family.

Actually with GC I have found the age gaps work well, the older one gets a chance to do things considered a bit young for them but the little ones give him an excuse and the younger ones adore the 10/11 year old, young enough to be one of them but old enough to look up to.

Doesn't mean the OP has to take him but the dynamic can work.

ancientgran · 19/04/2022 19:42

@MissStarry

Would it be excluding if OPs child wasn’t invited on a holiday that DSS was going on with his own mother? Thought not.

I agree that the ideal scenario would be your DH arranging a family holiday for another time. This isn’t a family holiday, it’s a birthday celebration.

The DSSs mother is nothing to do with her child, she is the step child's step mother so they aren't the same at all.
Clymene · 19/04/2022 19:43

Tell your husband he isn't invited and nor is his child. Go with your mate and her kid. Have a blast

FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 19:43

@phoenixrosehere

It would be shitty if your DH to go on holiday with only one of his children.

Why? It was the norm for my sister and I and many of our friends and family to go off with one parent for the holidays.

Plus, this is her DH’s first child who doesn’t sound like he lives with them so he likely spends a lot of time sharing his dad with his younger siblings. You really think a 10/11 yo boy wouldn’t want to go on holiday with just his dad? Why?

I didn’t say that I thought a 10/11 yo boy wouldn’t want to go on holiday with his dad. Where have you got that from? Confused
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:44

You do realise they won't remember this once in a lifetime holiday

Yes of course. We will though.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 19/04/2022 19:44

@phoenixrosehere

So an 11 yo with a bunch of children under 5?

That does change the dynamic.

I also think your DH could just as easily take his son on a separate holiday if he is willing to pay the difference which I bet his son would appreciate having that alone time with his father way more than celebrating his stepmother’s birthday with his half-sibling and people he has never met.

It isn’t fair to you nor your best friend to have to make changes for your birthdays because your DH feels guilty. That guilt has nothing to do with you or them and I bet his ex wouldn’t be proposing to take your child on a holiday if the shoe was on the other foot.

Or the husband could go on holiday with both his sons and leave the OP at home.
toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 19:44

Why not take the people who will remember it?

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:45

@gogohm

Sorry it's another case of you chose a man with a child, go with your friend, no husbands, completely unfair for him to come without his son
Good job I've already said I've accepted this then!
OP posts:
balalake · 19/04/2022 19:45

Much as I hate the phrase a 'big' birthday, I am with you OP in wanting the once in a lifetime holiday as you wish, at a time when you can do so at a lower cost.

TheOriginalEmu · 19/04/2022 19:46

From your husbands POV (and his child’s) you are going on a family holiday without one of his children.
I still remember my dad and stepmum going on holiday with their joint child and my step siblings but not me and how hurt I was. Even as an adult knowing that my stepmums mum paid for it I still feel left out and resentful.
So I think YABU.

MissStarry · 19/04/2022 19:46

@FairyCakeWings

Would it be excluding if OPs child wasn’t invited on a holiday that DSS was going on with his own mother? Thought not.

It would be if the OPs partner went too. The difference is whether a parent in the situation is going away with both their children or only one of them.

I do kind of agree but conversely also grew up with a father who holidayed frequently with his new family without us and I’m relatively unscarred as it’s just life; we had holidays that they didn’t have too.

However OP isn’t saying her DH should come alone, just that he also should stay at home.

So it’s actually DH trying to muscle in on OPs plans and she is only trying to protect the celebration she wants and has already planned with her friend.

If he’s so keen to have a family holiday he should organise it himself, or at least for a different occasion.

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