To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

[Haaaaliday]

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

• I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.

• I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

We've no idea if DSS get alone time with his mother. He may well live with his mother's new partner and children, who knows?

Fair point!

I love separate trips and a bit of space from DH. Your plans with your friend sound great. Go and enjoy.

When DSS is slightly older it might be nice for him to go on a 'boys only' activity holiday with his dad too.

This only moving about as a unit is a grim prospect.

I love separate trips and a bit of space from DH

Me too. Bu I wouldn't do it if it meant we couldn't afford a similar trip as a family, or if it was somewhere my DH really wanted to go.

I've taken trips without my DH, and vice versa. But they have always been smaller trips as an addition to our main family holiday, on the occasions when we could afford this. They have never been instead of a main family holiday. No-one I know in real life does this.

Has the stepson's mother actually been asked if she will allow him to miss a few days of school (I'm assuming this isn't a 2 week cruise)? If not, why not? If she agreed and your DH paid for himself and his son to join the holiday, do you have another excuse reason why your stepson shouldn't go on this OIAL holiday?

I've voted YABU, not because I think you shouldn't have a holiday with a friend but because you've said you are happy for DHs to go, which leaves only one conclusion - you want to exclude your stepson.

Has the stepson's mother actually been asked if she will allow him to miss a few days of school (I'm assuming this isn't a 2 week cruise)? If not, why not? because maybe dad doesn't want them to miss school so there is fuck all need for her to get involved. It doesn't take 3 adults to work this out.

Says who? I have a SC and am very much taking advantage of the fact he doesn't live with us full time to still have cheaper holidays while my child is young. There is no rule that says step parents are not allowed to do this. I would not be willing to make that sacrifice.

If I were your friend, I would be furious if you amended the plans to include a 10 year old who I have never met. YANBU.

OP said his mum would never consider this so the suggestion is basically for the summer holidays.

I would argue that the dynamic is different because it was you who chose to insert yourself into his family. His own mum didn't make a choice to marry his parent, in the full knowledge that he was part of the deal, if you see what I mean.

She has not given birth to his sibling, and gone on to plan to take his sibling on a Disney cruise without him.

You had a moment when you could have walked away from her child, and decided you couldn't be involved. She never had that choice in regard to you and your children.

Therefore your relationship to and treatment of her child will always be slightly more loaded than her's to yours.

But my point is that she knew her DSS's age when she got involved with her DH. At that point it maybe should have crossed her mind 'oh that's possibly off-season family holidays off the cards then'. Because she KNEW he had a child.

But my point is that she knew her DSS's age when she got involved with her DH

ofcoarse she knew his age, doesn’t mean she can’t book and go on a holiday she’s paying for!

It’s not a family holiday.

It’s OP and her best friend’s joint birthday celebration, with the plans being made by the pair of them for their joint birthday celebration.

I find it hilarious people think step parents should never get to benefit from off season holidays and activities just because their partner has older DC. People really think they should be saying to themselves 'oh that's me unable to go anywhere outside of school holidays then' 🤣 don't be so ridiculous.

I fully intend to make the most of taking my child away and to places outside of school holidays. I've accepted that likely means my husband won't come a lot of the time but whilst I have other people to go with, family and friends, and I can afford it, I'll be going! And my husband is absolutely fine about that and understands my life doesn't revolve around his older child.

Oh come on, a week in Spain or whatever is fair enough, but a once in a lifetime Disney Cruise that the older child would love?

@Hhhh6 do you not think your child might like to go on holiday with their dad

A child-centric birthday destination which their own children will be going on.

Honestly if the "once in a lifetime" trip was an adult-oriented thing with her best friend, it would be absolutely OK. I have to wonder why her idea of a dream holiday is a sodding Disney cruise, but she did turn her nose up at the idea of museums as "boring" - perhaps this explains why she's being so childish about the whole matter.

Adults are capable of rationalising it so it's all OK to them but the crux of the matter to me is what it will feel like to the 10yo - he will feel excluded from what is essentially a child's dream holiday. Nothing else matters. Try rationalising it to the 10yo and see how far you get.

I actually don't find museums boring. It was you that suggested it was fine to take my child to a museum which im assuming was meant with the implication that they are sufficiently boring enough for children that my step son wouldn't get jealous about it. I.e. I can go somewhere with my child alone but only if it's not somewhere my step child would enjoy.

And no my life time dream isn't 'sodding Disney' but it's something me and friend can enjoy which our children also can. It's a cruise, with a Disney theme. Get over it. No one is asking you to come 🤣

do you not think your child might like to go on holiday with their dad

I've already said we'll still be doing a family holiday.

Not seeing why step parents can't do both i.e. take their child away with family and friends outside of the holidays and then take them away with their partner and step children in the holidays.

When I met and married my husband no I didn't think to myself it was the end of term time holidays for me. I go on plenty of holidays in the school hols which I wouldn't choose to go on myself if it weren't for DSS.

Try rationalising it to the 10yo and see how far you get.

And you've no idea how my step son feels. He doesn't even know! If I told him I was going on a cruise for my birthday with a friend he'd probably not bat an eye.

@gannett ….agree !
OP needs to understand this from a 10 years old perspective!

But if it isn’t your dream holiday (although you called it a once in a lifetime holiday) why don’t you go on a more adult centred trip and leave little ones with their dads. Seems bizarre to choose a child’s holiday (and only take one child) to celebrate a big holiday for you

OP, YANBU.

My DB has DSC and also has a DC with his wife. The DSC lives with them about 80% of the time. However, my DB and SIL took their DC abroad to visit some of my/DB's family. They did not take DSC. Why? Because DSC went away with their own father abroad a couple of weeks before. The DSC has no problem (they were around 15 at the time) with their half-sibling going abroad with my DB as they'd just had their own fun holiday with their own dad. The DSC also had a weekend away abroad just them and their mum a few months' later and my DB and his DC stayed home together.

I've never understood the idea on here that step-mums (it's always mums) aren't allowed to do anything with their own child for fear of alienating the step-child. The way I see it is, DSC goes away with their mum, DC goes away with their mum and if DH goes anywhere then both children go.

I think people just assume that all children will feel excluded, when really it's not like that. Not all children are the same and if each child feels secure and loved then things can be worked out so no-one feels hurt.

Anyway, OP, back to your OP! Tell your DH he can't come but that you'll be happy for him to book a holiday for everyone in the holidays. Take your own child on your/friend's holiday and have a good time!

It could be worse. Our neighbours- who are massive Disney fans - once went on a Disney cruise leaving their 3 DS at home aged around 8-12 at the time with their aunt to look after them.

As far as I can see the boys appeared untraumatised and have now grown into sensible adults who did well at university. NB there were lots of other family holidays together including Disney.

Go on your cruise with your DS OP, but don't take your DH. Suggest you all save up and organise a Disneyworld trip next Summer or whenever for all four of you.

All sounds a bit childish to me. Poor kid.

What utter tripe.

It amazes me how there are always people who put the onus on the new female spouse (rarely ever hear about males doing this) to make all the sacrifices because they chose to be with someone who has a child. Her DH and his ex-wife, one or even both, chose to split. It is ridiculous to expect one or both to not find a partner afterwards which sounds like in a way of punishing people for choosing to divorce. Funny, how it is always the stepmums expected to bend over backwards, yet stepdads seem to get an easy pass as well as the actual fathers of the children who are more than capable of taking their own children to places without a woman in tow.

I think stepdads usually make many more sacrifices as they usually end up living with resident stepkids and probably end up financing them much more than step mums