To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

[Haaaaliday]

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

• I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.

• I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

It amazes me how there are always people who put the onus on the new female spouse (rarely ever hear about males doing this) to make all the sacrifices because they chose to be with someone who has a child

Many stepdads also make sacrifices, often taking on stepchildren that they then live with full time, as well as the children they already have. Each circumstance is different.

And how many people complain when dads are 'absent' and ditch their previous children - at least the dad in this situation is trying to include all his children.

It’s no one else’s business to police or judge the OP and her friend’s choice of birthday destinations is it? If they both love Disney then that makes it the right choice for them. It’s not for anyone to rip this apart as if it’s somehow unacceptable. It isn’t.

I don’t need to do any work in order to see this situation from a 10yr old perspective, as when I was 10 my own father, stepmum and 2 half sisters were travelling constantly to New Zealand, Caribbean, skiing all winter, epic month long trips across Asia in summer hols etc. I wasn’t included or invited to any of these holidays, instead we’d rent a villa in Spain for a week or so or go on U.K. holidays.

There was a vast difference between our lifestyles but actually at 10 I didn’t care, I was loved and happy and definitely wasn’t twisted with jealousy or bitterness.

Honestly people think kids are much more feeble minded and weak spirited who will be constantly analysing any perceived or real inequality- they’re not. And if they are, then it’s shoddy parenting.

It feels to me like there’s much projection on this thread, presumably from those who are wanting to almost punish any new woman in the scene, enforcing unreasonable expectations on stepmum. But omg if the stepmum dared to actually properly stick her oar in to every decision around DSS and criticise the DM’s way of parenting then that would be beyond the pale.

Stepmums can’t win either way it seems, so I say just gfi and as long as the kids are in a secure happy environment when they are with either their DF or DM, then that is enough.

It’s not acceptable to police or judge anything outside of the activities and behaviours of the two parents.

It doesn’t look like the OP particularly loves Disney. In fact, ironically, the person who would probably get most enjoyment out of the holiday is the one person who hasn’t been invited, the stepson

Have an awesome time on your bday holiday with your kids OP!!!

Absolutely. And some of the highest praise of these step dads is that ' he loves my children like they are his own'. On MN Dd accept that as proof of a good man, and would possibly raise an eye at anything less. Yet when it comes to step mum, many seem almost feel the opposite- that the ability to remain removed from their step-children is in fact admired. Odd

On MN WE accept that as proof of a good man. Fat fingers

I was speaking of the situations I’ve seen on MN only which I probably should have added but thought it was implied.

Still don’t understand why her DH can’t take his own son or both boys on a separate holiday though and OP also has said several times that they were still going on a family holiday later.

In fact, ironically, the person who would probably get most enjoyment out of the holiday is the one person who hasn’t been invited, the stepson

We went to Disney when kids were 8/10 - I was personally dreading it - but I loved every minute of it, it’s defiantly worth a trip and I would go again without the kids!!

So no, it’s isn’t just for kids, they really look after the people who go, and they make it clean and fun and don’t skimp on the extras.

How you have a blast OP with your friend. Life’s too short to compromise.

Actually it looks like OP and/or friend do particularly love Disney, as out of all the various options available globally it was selected between them as their agreed choice for their joint birthday celebration location.

Why do you think it seems like they don’t particularly love Disney? Surely the evidence speaks for itself?! 😅

Hope you have a fabulous time op! Yanbu

@MissStarry because the OP said her dream wasn’t sodding Disney. Not really feeling the love for Disney from that statement

If that’s where they want to go for their birthday then that’s a good enough reason to go.

The DH can always arrange a boys trip with DSS and spend quality time when OP is away and/or arrange for the holidays. As well as the family trips planned.

It’s as big a deal as it’s made. At the end of the day if the parents don’t make huge deal then the child is unlikely to, and this is automatically being painted as a wholly negative situation whereas actually as a child i’d have loved some quality time alone with my dad more than a Disney trip with his new dc and my sm, so not sure whose side you’re on, as for the DSS this could be a lovely opportunity for 121 time with his dad.

.