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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
musttryharder84 · 19/04/2022 21:12

What exactly has DH agreed to cover the cost of? Is he willing to pay for DSS entirely, plus the extra it will cost both you and your friend (plus kids) to go away during school holidays instead of during term time?

lickenchugget · 19/04/2022 21:13

His thread is depressing… SM’s are not allowed to holiday (with their friends) without DSC, ever. Hmm

We take DSC away every year but we also have holidays with DC only, DSC also go away with their DM and have never had an issue with it.

Go, OP, and enjoy it.

flyingbabyb · 19/04/2022 21:13

I would suggest a Just your family holiday during summer with the DSS. I would go on the birthday trip as planned with the littles. I would allow the DSS to pick a activity for the big family summer trip (and if you need to, give him some appropriate ideas that fit your budget) and play it up as something super special. Let him help plan and when your DH talks to him, tell him how excited you are that hes comming along on the summer trip ect.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 21:14

@toomuchlaundry

Why not take the people who will remember it?
@toomuchlaundry

Why not take the people who she wants because you know it is her birthday trip after all!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2022 21:15

Who said they would “hate you forever”?’
🤣

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 21:15

*Laughable reaches from those who think the world should revolve around DSS.

If your DH isn't comfortable going without DSS then he doesn't have to go.

Don't you dare change your and your friend's plans for a wonderful birthday. You deserve it.

Ignore the vipers? Hate you forever? Hilarious!*

It is and I bet DSS’s mum isn’t expected to take OP’s child with her and her child on holidays either.

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 21:22

Posting this on AIBU will massively overcomplicate what is totally simple - YANBU at all, for all the reasons you've listed. It's perfectly normal for step parents to have relationships with their friends and family that have little to nothing to do with their step children, as long as it doesn't interrupt contact time it's fine. I'm going away with DD, DP and my parents tomorrow. It wouldn't cross his mind to insist DSS must come. He doesn't even know about it.

Your DH is being pushy.

Teddah · 19/04/2022 21:24

@Neverreturntoathread

If it’s a once in a lifetime holiday then yabvu to take the DC you had with DH but exclude your DSS. Either all the children go or none do.

Honestly the post comes across as a bit spoilt: ‘it’s my birthday so I want it all my way’ Imagine how DSS would feel about his siblings going on the holiday of a lifetime without him. He’d hate you forever and rightly so. Good luck with the teen years if that’s your attitude!! When you married DH this big came to: he is your son too now. So stop being so spoilt and work out a way to treat all of the children fairly.

My dad, step mum and their kids went on holidays without me. We survived the teen years and well into adulthood. I went on different holidays to my step and half siblings.
AcrossthePond55 · 19/04/2022 21:26

A friend and I used to do a yearly Disney trip together in the early Spring. After a few years she decided that her young teen DD would 'love being one of the girls' and started booking her with us. I was too big a coward to say 'that doesn't really work for me, but I did suggest that she might enjoy bringing a friend but no, she wanted to be 'one of us' according to her mum. This changed the time to non-school dates and gave a completely different 'feel' to the trip. The park was crowded, hot, and it became all about what her DD wanted to do, rather than before where Friend and I normally just went with the flow and were generally in concurrence about what to do next. We still went for a few more years, but my 'enjoyment factor' dropped from 100% to around 80%. The trips stopped after a few more years, not due to her DD coming along but due to her financial situation.

If it were me I'd pull the plan back to you, your friend, and your DCs. Take both DHs out of the equation then there will be no expectations regarding DSS. Don't be like me and grin and bear it. In the end it's your trip and should be done the way you want.

LovelyIssues · 19/04/2022 21:29

You sound like you're being a bit mean to your DSS Sad

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 21:30

It’s the fact it’s big once in a lifetime style holiday (but suitable for small children)
If it was just a girls holiday eg beach resort in Spain with little children in tow or somewhere a preschooler would enjoy peppa pig world etc then 2 friends and 3 children plan sounds fine.
If DSS has never had a similar once in a lifetime type holiday then going there without him and no plans to go there with him feels off. He’s a 10/11 year old child. I’ve guessed Disney as I can’t think what else fits Op’s description.

Googlecanthelpme · 19/04/2022 21:31

I’d totally just go with my friends and kids.

I do see DH point that he would feel guilty if you all went off on hols without DSS so the simple answer is that this holiday is a girls / kids break for just you and friend and DHs stay at home.

If you were insisting DH come without DSS then I’d think that was maybe a little off - but you’re not.

I have senior age SC and if I wanted to go on holiday with my friend and our young children then I’d just crack on and do it.
“Understand you wouldn’t want DSS to feel left out DH so I’ll book this with my friend and then we will have a family hol in the summer”

End of issue

Moochio · 19/04/2022 21:32

Seriously you're fine. DH can take his kids away on a holiday by himself if it causes that much problems. Bet he won't though he just wants you to organise it so he cam be super dad.

Watapalava · 19/04/2022 21:32

It may be her trip but they’re a family so unless op is paying for it all using family money for not all the family is poor form

I feel sorry for your dh tbh

Excluding him from your birthday but inc your child and friend says a lot about your marriage

Tiredalwaystired · 19/04/2022 21:33

Why not leave the kids and just go with your friend?

The other way is pretty mean on your step son. He’ll always remember how it made him feel I’m sure.

5128gap · 19/04/2022 21:33

YANBU. This holiday is about you and your friend. You are not asking him to inconvenience himself to facilitate it, just to stay home with his own child and give you the space to be with your female friend and children. He is trying to reframe it as something he wants to do and in doing so changing what you have arranged. Its unfair and high handed. Tell him your plans will stay as they are and should he want a family holiday he can arrange one for you all, not hijack your trip.

Watapalava · 19/04/2022 21:33

That’s not to say you shouldn’t go with your mate

I just can’t get my head round what’s essentially a family holiday without your husband

newname12345 · 19/04/2022 21:34

If this really is (in OP's words..) a special once in a lifetime family (*) holiday then it is very reasonable for her DH to want to be there. It is though reasonable for him to want all his other children to be there, as if the holiday is that special they will find out that they were excluded.

(* if DCs will be there and DHs can attend then the big birthday holiday is already a family holiday)

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 21:35

@Teddah I assume those holidays weren’t once in a lifetime holidays

BareGrylls · 19/04/2022 21:35

I find it odd when adults make a fuss about birthdays.

Birthdays are for children.

Changeee1546789 · 19/04/2022 21:36

Sorry but I think YABU and this is so mean to DSS. You have said Both our husbands welcome too so you are deliberately excluding DSS. Yes of course you can do what you like but that doesn't make it kind or right.

Googlecanthelpme · 19/04/2022 21:37

Also it is absolutely NOT weird to have significant holidays or trips of a “lifetime” with friends rather than husband / partner.

Friends are often the very backbone of our lives, many many friendships outlive relationships and marriages. The divorce rate is a lot higher than the rate of friendship breakups I’d say.
I would certainly go on a holiday of a lifetime with a friend - assuming I still spent good quality time with my partner and we had our own plans and holidays.

Honestly I feel sorry for anyone who would only be prepared to share precious times and memories with their significant other.
Friends can be as precious as partners and sometimes even more so.

Soresoresore · 19/04/2022 21:38

I think it’s a great idea to go away with your friend and DC. Your DH’s will change the dynamic and I can see how a 10 year old will want a different kind of holiday to 4 year olds.

The problem is, are you thinking of going to Disney? If your husband’s child has never been I can understand why he is reluctant to go without them.

I would go with just your friend and the two little ones. Plan something else for DHs and the other children.

greenlynx · 19/04/2022 21:38

I think that the main problem is that your DH wants to come with you. Without him going it’s absolutely simple - you are going away with your child, I’m sure his ex does this with her child as well. Your DH shouldn’t go with you to keep it simple and fair.
By the way don’t call it a holiday - it’s your special birthday trip.

Booboobagins · 19/04/2022 21:39

Def your and your friends choose OP.

Everyone else can choose what to do. TBH your DSS won't enjoy just being with adults and little kids anyways...

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