Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:59

He’d hate you forever and rightly so

He'd hate me forever for going on holiday without him or his dad? Jeez.

Believe it or not I have actually been away without him before! And so far no hate.

And as for him being my son now... I'll let his mum know. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear that.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 20:01

*Honestly the post comes across as a bit spoilt: ‘it’s my birthday so I want it all my way’ Imagine how DSS would feel about his siblings going on the holiday of a lifetime without him. He’d hate you forever and rightly so. Good luck with the teen years if that’s your attitude!! When you married DH this big came to: he is your son too now. So stop being so spoilt and work out a way to treat all of the children fairly.

Um.. That is the point of a birthday, to spoil yourself!

She is not even assisting that her DH goes, he is the one that is wanting to make it into a family trip than taking the initiative to plan one himself when his own son is out of school. OP also says she wouldn’t mind going on a family holiday as well.

TheGirlWhoLived · 19/04/2022 20:04

I think if dss mum will let him come out of school time then offer to take him, if she doesn’t then the onus is on her. I think it would be mean to discount him coming on the basis that he is 10, unless there are other underlying things (very hard work/special needs/you don’t get on) as they can often just entertain themselves mostly- particularly in this instance if your DH would then come too as he would help with the childcare part for DSS.

I can’t imagine being in a blended family situation and then saying actually you aren’t important enough to be invited to my birthday. If his mum won’t let him attend then that’s not your problem, but to not invite is very rude imo

LividLaVidaLoca · 19/04/2022 20:07

Some bonkersness on here.

YANBU. Of course you should do what you want for your birthday.

Probably best to leave the blokes behind though.

TheGirlWhoLived · 19/04/2022 20:07

There are lots of very good and valid reasons to go out of school holidays (the other children will be of a similar non-school age and therefore the general dynamic will be calmer at different times) taking preschool children in term time can be a bit of a disaster in terms of busyness and clientele

Mumdiva99 · 19/04/2022 20:07

Come on what's the trip?

I thought at first it was a safari......but that doesn't work with little kids......then Disney.....but am not convinced.....I think you would take SS there. Then somewhere like China, but you know Covid. .....so may e Dubai.......or is it a cruise? Please tell. I am so over invested.

But fyi I said YANBU. I enjoy taking my kids away. I enjoy going away with dad too.....but the dynamic changes. So I get you wanting to go with a friend.

TheGirlWhoLived · 19/04/2022 20:08

Sorry I mistyped- taking a preschooler in typical school holidays can be a bit of a disaster

givethatbabyaname · 19/04/2022 20:11

I said YABU only because I think it’s weird that you want to celebrate a milestone with your and your DH’s child, but not your DH Confused

I also find the “just me and my DC” attitude really stingray and miserly. You married a man with a child. There’s plenty of love to go around.

WindyKnickers · 19/04/2022 20:12

So you don't want a family holiday but you do want your DC and DH to come? This just sounds like the only thing you definitely want is to exclude your DSS. I think your DH is right not to go without his other child.

Hollyhead · 19/04/2022 20:14

I think YANBU If it’s just you, your friend and your DC. If your DH wants to go, I think it would seem exclusionary to leave out your SS

TEMPUSERNAME67 · 19/04/2022 20:14

You sound spiteful. You also sound like you prefer your friends kids to your own stepson. Well done you.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 20:16

If he’s going to be turning 11 SATS will be a factor too. If you are thinking early May then DSS really won’t be able to go.

phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 20:16

So you don't want a family holiday but you do want your DC and DH to come?

Did you even read OP’s posts?

She said neither her or her best friend were fussed with their husbands going and more than happy to just take their young children.

WindyKnickers · 19/04/2022 20:17

@TheGirlWhoLived

I think if dss mum will let him come out of school time then offer to take him, if she doesn’t then the onus is on her. I think it would be mean to discount him coming on the basis that he is 10, unless there are other underlying things (very hard work/special needs/you don’t get on) as they can often just entertain themselves mostly- particularly in this instance if your DH would then come too as he would help with the childcare part for DSS.

I can’t imagine being in a blended family situation and then saying actually you aren’t important enough to be invited to my birthday. If his mum won’t let him attend then that’s not your problem, but to not invite is very rude imo

I think inviting a school age child on holiday in term time, knowing his mum will (rightly) disapprove is bloody mean. Why turn her into the bad guy just so you don't look bad? Either plan a holiday including DSS or don't, but own the decision.
toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 20:17

If it is Disney it might be wasted on the DC if they are quite young. We took DS when he was school age and we saw so many younger children being scared of the characters when they got up close to them.

Dontbeme · 19/04/2022 20:19

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference

Is he offering to pay the difference for your friend and her DC also if the break is rebooked out of term time? Does he really want to go and bring DSS or does he feel put out that you and friend are off on a break when he feels that your place is at home with him?

TheOriginalEmu · 19/04/2022 20:20

@Clymene

If her husband went too, then as far as that child is concerned they’re all going without him. Kids notice this stuff and feel it.

TheGirlWhoLived · 19/04/2022 20:21

@WindyKnickers Maybe the difference is that I have taken an older child out in term time. The holiday is planned in term time, if dss cannot attend the planned holiday then they should do something else with him at a different time when he can attend 🤷🏼‍♀️

doggiescats · 19/04/2022 20:24

Is it the kind of holiday that DSS would have absolutely dreamed of ie Disney or is it just a bucket and spade type of destination?
I think that will make a big difference to how he will feel about being excluded!

rookiemere · 19/04/2022 20:24

Just go with your friend and the two young DCs and book another holiday which includes DH and DSS for a different occasion.

Chickychoccyegg · 19/04/2022 20:26

You and your friend should go with your dc, when you want to, your dss wouldn't expect to go on a holiday with you and your friend, he can do something separate with his dad.
Some people are so dramatic about including sc even when it's not needed.

Herejustforthisone · 19/04/2022 20:27

@Neverreturntoathread

If it’s a once in a lifetime holiday then yabvu to take the DC you had with DH but exclude your DSS. Either all the children go or none do.

Honestly the post comes across as a bit spoilt: ‘it’s my birthday so I want it all my way’ Imagine how DSS would feel about his siblings going on the holiday of a lifetime without him. He’d hate you forever and rightly so. Good luck with the teen years if that’s your attitude!! When you married DH this big came to: he is your son too now. So stop being so spoilt and work out a way to treat all of the children fairly.

Kerrrrrrrrist almighty. 😂

OP, have a lovely holiday with your friend and your child. Your H, who doesn’t do birthdays, can arrange the usual family holiday for everyone together. By virtue of being a stepmother, you’ll be rinsed here whatever you do but know that most reasonable posters agree with you.

Lollypop701 · 19/04/2022 20:27

I get you want a girls trip to remember and for you, this is it. The age difference of kids is also a factor . But it just feels off, although I find it hard to explain why. Disney is held up as THE best holiday so dss is going to be hurt, whether that’s reasonable or not. if he was going with his mum your child would be too young to understand but would probably be jealous if it ages were reversed. If my child were the older child I’d want to do something special with them separately albeit doesn’t have to cost so much. but I wouldn’t want to miss trip of lifetime with younger dc… I agree they might not remember but I would . It’s a difficult one op but it sounds like you’ve made your mind up and want reasons to explain what you are going to do, rather than opinions on Wethersfield you should do it.

Daqqe · 19/04/2022 20:27

Does the 10 year old want to come? Or would he rather be at home with his mates?

We’ve refused family holidays twice now because my SIL wouldn’t pull her kids out of school (fair enough) & we refused to pay school holiday prices when we had pre-schoolers. It caused a bit of fuss when we initially refused but hey ho. I’m not wasting my money on a shittier hotel in crap location when I can spend the same amount on afar nicer holiday in term time! My eldest is now at school, so my time has come to pay horrendous holiday prices 🥴

C152 · 19/04/2022 20:28

YANBU at all. This is a special birthday trip and your DH is trying to piggy back onto it. It's totally reasonable to say you would be happy to have family holidays at another time, but this is a special event for your birthday. No need to explain further or apologise; he's the one being unreasonable.