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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 19/04/2022 19:47

YABU, it seems like you are excluding DSS.
I understand wanting to go out of school holidays with it being much cheaper, maybe say that the dates are set so the option is there for DSS to have time off school. If his mum says no then that’s that but at least he’s been invited and not left out.
DH would be coming if DSS comes so he could plan a few separate activities with DSS if DSS wouldn’t want to do the same activities as younger children.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:47

Or the husband could go on holiday with both his sons and leave the OP at home

If my husband wanted to go away with his mate and DC I'd not have a problem at all.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 19/04/2022 19:47

I didn’t say that I thought a 10/11 yo boy wouldn’t want to go on holiday with his dad. Where have you got that from?

You said it would be shi**y for a DH to go on holiday with only one of his children? I asked why pointing out that it wouldn’t be a bad thing and it is in fact normal for some.

Wnkingawalrus · 19/04/2022 19:48

I find it a bit odd your best friend hasn’t met your DSS. Was he not at your wedding?

MangosteenSoda · 19/04/2022 19:48

What about your friend’s husband? Is he happy to stay home and does your friend prefer to have a mums & kids’ holiday or would she rather her DH joined in?

If the former, go without husbands; if the latter, how do you feel about going with her DH and without yours? And how would she feel about that? I think that’s the crux of it.

Basically, travel with no DHs is fine, travel with both DHs and your DSS is fine, travel with your DH but without his son is not fine as he is part of your nuclear family.

sweepeep · 19/04/2022 19:48

It depends...where are you going?

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:48

@toomuchlaundry

Why not take the people who will remember it?
Me and my friend will remember it. Should we never do anything with young DC just because they won't remember? Confused
OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 19:48

I’m guessing it’s Disney Paris or Florida. So Op and her friend can go on their actual birthday when it’s cheaper/cooler and concentrate on parks/rides for 3 year olds. Not sure if little ones are girls but there’s lots of princess stuff for mum/daughters that an older boy wouldn’t be into.
Going in summer hols means it’s hot, thousands dearer and they would be split up a lot too as an 11 year old boy will want bigger rides.
But it must sting as a step child to hear sibling is going to Disney without you.
Can DH plan a special holiday for 2 of them?
I think if DH going you need to take DS. No DH then you can explain as girlie trip.

Clymene · 19/04/2022 19:49

@TheOriginalEmu

From your husbands POV (and his child’s) you are going on a family holiday without one of his children. I still remember my dad and stepmum going on holiday with their joint child and my step siblings but not me and how hurt I was. Even as an adult knowing that my stepmums mum paid for it I still feel left out and resentful. So I think YABU.
No, she's taking her kid away with her mate and her kid.

That's not a family holiday.

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 19:49

What big birthday is it? Will you be doing once in a lifetime holidays for every big birthday?

Moochio · 19/04/2022 19:49

@Wnkingawalrus

I find it a bit odd your best friend hasn’t met your DSS. Was he not at your wedding?
Weddings aren't about getting a DSC to meet everyone. Mine were shy and just wanted to stick with their family.
caecilius1 · 19/04/2022 19:49

Does your friend want to bring her husband?

CarmenThePanda · 19/04/2022 19:50

No my birthday isn't likely to be whilst we are away though I don't see why it would matter. My birthday isn't a huge deal to DSS

No, but In most marriages it might be a big deal to your DH, and for you to want to be with your DH on your birthday.

Rewis · 19/04/2022 19:50

It would be shitty if your DH to go on holiday with only one of his children

Why? We've done one on one trips with one parent and different combos of siblings. I never had a problem with my dad taking my brother to a holiday. I knew that I'd get something else in return at some point. Husband going with his older son would be a great solution.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:50

@Wnkingawalrus

I find it a bit odd your best friend hasn’t met your DSS. Was he not at your wedding?
You're right. He was at our wedding so I guess yes technically they've met. I don't know if they spoke though and they haven't met since as far as I can recall. She certainly doesn't know him like she does our DC who she spends a lot of time with.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2022 19:52

@toomuchlaundry

Why not take the people who will remember it?
OP will remember it. Her friend will remember it. It’s for their birthdays. Their children will enjoy it. That will make them happy.

If you have children do you never do anything they might enjoy until they’re 4 or 5 because they might not remember it even though they’ll enjoy it at the time?

What a peculiar angle to take for a meaningless unpleasant swipe at a woman planning her birthday.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:52

@CarmenThePanda

No my birthday isn't likely to be whilst we are away though I don't see why it would matter. My birthday isn't a huge deal to DSS

No, but In most marriages it might be a big deal to your DH, and for you to want to be with your DH on your birthday.

My husband doesn't 'do' birthdays haha. He's not bothered by them at all, it's a running joke really every year. He doesn't get the fuss.
OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 19/04/2022 19:52

@Dillydollydingdong

Suggest to him that if he wants a big family holiday he can arrange it himself. You don't mind going twice, do you? You and your friend can have yours in honour of your birthday, and he can host a family extravaganza as well.
This! Your plans with your friends sound fab & you shouldn't have to forego that.
NorthSouthcatlady · 19/04/2022 19:53

It’s your birthday not his or your DSS. He can sort something else out, instead of piggy backing onto what you’ve planned

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 19/04/2022 19:53

I think it's unusual that you are closer bonded with your friend and her child, than you are with your H and DSS

It's an unusual set up to exclude your is. Husband (and his child) for your big celebration

FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 19:55

@phoenixrosehere

I didn’t say that I thought a 10/11 yo boy wouldn’t want to go on holiday with his dad. Where have you got that from?

You said it would be shi**y for a DH to go on holiday with only one of his children? I asked why pointing out that it wouldn’t be a bad thing and it is in fact normal for some.

I was referring to a completely different situation. A situation like the one in the OP oddly enough. I thought that was obvious.
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:55

@MangosteenSoda

What about your friend’s husband? Is he happy to stay home and does your friend prefer to have a mums & kids’ holiday or would she rather her DH joined in?

If the former, go without husbands; if the latter, how do you feel about going with her DH and without yours? And how would she feel about that? I think that’s the crux of it.

Basically, travel with no DHs is fine, travel with both DHs and your DSS is fine, travel with your DH but without his son is not fine as he is part of your nuclear family.

Yeah the idea was originally we'd just go together then said if husband's said anything we didn't mind if they wanted to come. Neither particularly keen or bothered and happy to let it be a 'girls' trip except my DH now moaning about DSS. My friends husband wouldn't come if mine wasn't and my friends fine with that.
OP posts:
Neverreturntoathread · 19/04/2022 19:56

If it’s a once in a lifetime holiday then yabvu to take the DC you had with DH but exclude your DSS. Either all the children go or none do.

Honestly the post comes across as a bit spoilt: ‘it’s my birthday so I want it all my way’ Imagine how DSS would feel about his siblings going on the holiday of a lifetime without him. He’d hate you forever and rightly so. Good luck with the teen years if that’s your attitude!! When you married DH this big came to: he is your son too now. So stop being so spoilt and work out a way to treat all of the children fairly.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 19/04/2022 19:56

Suggest he and DS go away on a lads weekend doing something completely un preschooler friendly...watersports trip or game convention or a trip to one of the big football stadiums, or whatever his thing is.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:56

@NandorTheRelentlessCleaner

I think it's unusual that you are closer bonded with your friend and her child, than you are with your H and DSS

It's an unusual set up to exclude your is. Husband (and his child) for your big celebration

I'm not closer bonded. We just share a close birthday and wanted to do something fun together with our kids.

I'm still happy to do something with DH another time though I imagine he wouldn't be bothered to make a fuss.

OP posts: