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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend is very annoying

243 replies

lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:15

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:16

Oh gosh I’m sorry it’s so long!!!
I think I seriously needed to rant
My apologies

OP posts:
DaffodilsandCoffee · 18/04/2022 15:18

I think you’re reading something into her messages that has more to do with your own insecurities than anything she’s doing.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:19

how do you mean??
(Genuine question)

OP posts:
Poppins2016 · 18/04/2022 15:20

YANBU. I once distanced myself from a friend after she bigged up how busy she was and actually sent me a screenshot of her calendar so that I could 'squeeze myself in somewhere'. It left me feeling pretty rubbish that someone valued me so little that they literally couldn't make the effort to make time for me and I was effectively 'plan f' (nevermind b, c, d, e, etc...).

ScarlettSing · 18/04/2022 15:22

I mean, why are you waiting for her to text you first. Why aren't you texting her?
'Hey just checking in hope your doing well' etc
It does work both ways.

TenThousandSpoons · 18/04/2022 15:22

YANBU. Purely because people who go on about how busy they are are very annoying.

Poppins2016 · 18/04/2022 15:23

I was also going to say, in these circumstances I feel people who say they're 'soooo busy' protest far too much. What's really happening is that they're prioritising other people and making weak excuses for why you're not a priority (while also making themselves feel good).

Holly60 · 18/04/2022 15:24

Yeah I don’t really get it. She gets in touch sporadically, and often apologises she hasn’t been in touch sooner. That’s actually very common. She isn’t being patronising, she is trying to be nice.

To be frank I think you should just be honest with her about the fact you don’t want to be friends, and try to explain why (although I can’t think of a way you can word it that won’t sound like you are a bit crazy, to be honest). Ghosting is incredibly cruel and unnecessary, especially as the girl hasn’t done anything wrong.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:24

@Poppins2016

YANBU. I once distanced myself from a friend after she bigged up how busy she was and actually sent me a screenshot of her calendar so that I could 'squeeze myself in somewhere'. It left me feeling pretty rubbish that someone valued me so little that they literally couldn't make the effort to make time for me and I was effectively 'plan f' (nevermind b, c, d, e, etc...).
Thank you so much for this. That literally how it felt. So I ghosted

I got one message saying - this is true - “I realise I have spoken to so many people and haven’t spoken to you!!! Feel so guilty”

Umm ok??!

OP posts:
litlealligator · 18/04/2022 15:25

I think you're reading way too much into this. It's pretty standard to apologise for not being in touch lately because you're busy. It doesn't mean you don't think the other person is busy too. She's just being polite and you have blown it waaaay out of proportion.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:26

@Holly60

Yeah I don’t really get it. She gets in touch sporadically, and often apologises she hasn’t been in touch sooner. That’s actually very common. She isn’t being patronising, she is trying to be nice.

To be frank I think you should just be honest with her about the fact you don’t want to be friends, and try to explain why (although I can’t think of a way you can word it that won’t sound like you are a bit crazy, to be honest). Ghosting is incredibly cruel and unnecessary, especially as the girl hasn’t done anything wrong.

Yeah I get what you mean. And defo am crazy!!

I think it’s more that, if she just popped up and said “hi what’s going on” (or something similar??) I’d be so much more receptive
But it’s this long message about how busy she’s been and how bad she feels for not talking to me
It really makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
DaffodilsandCoffee · 18/04/2022 15:27

Ok, I think I get where you are coming from. Like she’s saying she feels she has a duty to talk to you, because you need her, but the implication is she’s been busy with people she actually wants to talk to.

You’re probably right about what the dynamic is in your own friendship, even if it’s subtle.

I think I’d just reply a bit unenthusiastically, saying you’ve been busy too. No need for drama. It sounds like you’re already not making much effort with her.

PartiallyStars · 18/04/2022 15:31

Taking out your own interpretations and subjectivity all that has happened is a friend hasn't been able to contact you as much as she would like, and when she does contact you she obviously apologises for not having done so in a while, while at the same time you also haven't been contacting her.

All that thinking that she is patronising etc is just in your own head I think. I really would not see what she has done and said as meaning that she is arrogant, lofty, and sees you as a piece of shit at all - and to be honest if any of my friends thought that about me, I would be bemused as to why they were friends with me (and hurt).

ThinWomansBrain · 18/04/2022 15:32

you don't say how old you are, but I think with school/friends from a young age, it's quite common to grow apart as you develop different interests, go through different life stages - or even with friends that you met/made at a later stage of life.
Move on, find new friends that you want to spend time with (and they with you) - you don't have to ghost them, just accept that you're both moving on and in touch less often.

lemongreentea · 18/04/2022 15:33

OP do you have low-self esteem and fear of rejection? Is that why this is bothering you so much?

Your friend sounds busy and wrapped up in her own life. I have friends like this who keep telling me how busy they are and how every minute of every day is full. I am pretty busy with work and family life but try to make time to see friends.

Maybe she wants to keep you as a friend but only one she texts every so often?

whitewashing · 18/04/2022 15:36

Just text back and say ‘oh! Gosh, I’ve been so busy, I didn’t even notice!’

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:38

@lemongreentea

OP do you have low-self esteem and fear of rejection? Is that why this is bothering you so much?

Your friend sounds busy and wrapped up in her own life. I have friends like this who keep telling me how busy they are and how every minute of every day is full. I am pretty busy with work and family life but try to make time to see friends.

Maybe she wants to keep you as a friend but only one she texts every so often?

Umm I guess I probably do have a fear of rejection but in this instance it actually isn’t the rejection that’s a problem. I’m quite happy for us to not speak. It’s more that I don’t understand why I need to be constantly reminded that someone is busy?
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:38

@whitewashing

Just text back and say ‘oh! Gosh, I’ve been so busy, I didn’t even notice!’
Literally love this!!!
OP posts:
JolieJ · 18/04/2022 15:40

Next time just be like; new phone, who dis? 😁

TeaStory · 18/04/2022 15:41

If she’s anything like me, she’s overwhelmed getting through day to day stuff and is worried you are angry about the lack of contact so is going overboard to explain herself.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:44

@TeaStory

If she’s anything like me, she’s overwhelmed getting through day to day stuff and is worried you are angry about the lack of contact so is going overboard to explain herself.
Hmm Didn’t really see it like that But how could I be angry with her, if I haven’t contacted her either? If so she should be mad at me? Sorry massive overthinker here

Thank you for your feedback everyone
Maybe I need to think about whether I’m being a bit of a bitch

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 18/04/2022 15:44

I get that OP. She does sound annoying, maybe she has issues in her life that makes her feel powerless so telling everyone how busy she is makes her feel more in control.

I have two friends like this, one of which sends me her calender.

I like the suggestions of counter-busying her busyness. Something like 'sorry busy now, will reply to your message later'. Then don't. If/when she asks why, say you were busy.

TweetTweetMF · 18/04/2022 15:46

YANBU. Text back either the truth that your not really interested in being friends or "omg I didn't notice, I've been so so busy doing x,y and z I almost forgot about you." Grin
Play her at her own game op.

TweetTweetMF · 18/04/2022 15:47

@JolieJ

Next time just be like; new phone, who dis? 😁
Haha do this. Grin
TokenGinger · 18/04/2022 15:48

She's being nice. Probably trying to take the blame for no contact because she doesn't want to call you out on being shit at not contacting her. She's just taking the blame to reinstate conversation without awkwardness. That isn't her saying that you're not busy.

This is so weird. I can't believe someone would take offence at somebody saying they're busy, as if it suggests your life isn't.

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