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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend is very annoying

243 replies

lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:15

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:50

The thing is I don’t mind being a lower tier friend I hate being the main person because you to attend everything and be very present
Which I’m not
I’m very much a peripheral friend. So I don’t mind people beinf “so so so busy” genuinely I don’t care. I kinda just don’t want it rammed down my throat?!

But equally like I said, I take on board the majority of people are saying I’m in the wrong ans I’ll accept that.

OP posts:
LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 18/04/2022 16:50

I’m a little worried you might be my friend.

I do exactly that - apologise for being busy, but I don’t mean with things more fun than talking to you. My life is full of mundane things, I’m stretched beyond my emotional capacity and I’m basically disorganised. I feel guilty for not keeping up with friends as much as I’d like.

It’s dawning on me now that I’m always the one making contact though.

yelauo · 18/04/2022 16:50

Op, you need some salt and vinegar for that chip on your shoulder Grin

But seriously, I think she is trying to be nice and probably feels insecure that you haven’t been in touch and is trying to smooth things over. If she is a nice person for many many years, why do you think so uncharitably of her?

SkoolShoes · 18/04/2022 16:50

To be honest I think you would be doing her a favour to ghost her. She is trying to keep the friendship going by being the one to keep in touch (however she phrases her messages) and you come on MN and bitch about her.......

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:51

@coffeeisthebest

OP this is clearly about more than these messages, there must be other stuff about the relationship that isn't working for this to annoy you so much. Maybe it is just done, and this is the final straw, in which case just back away. You are not crazy or acting 13, you are allowed to read inferences in your own relationships. So clearly all the therapy has paid off and maybe this is one relationship that isn't working so well currently. Good luck.
Thank you I was starting to think I was a fucking awful person actually so yeah thank you
OP posts:
ToliteHost · 18/04/2022 16:53

@litlealligator

I think you're reading way too much into this. It's pretty standard to apologise for not being in touch lately because you're busy. It doesn't mean you don't think the other person is busy too. She's just being polite and you have blown it waaaay out of proportion.
This. But as you clearly don't like your friend, just leave her alone and stop replying.
NETSRIK · 18/04/2022 16:53

YANBU at all. She sounds like she just takes. No one is ever too busy. It's all about priorities and you are not one of hers. She sounds like hard work to be friends with.

ToliteHost · 18/04/2022 16:53

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald

I’m a little worried you might be my friend.

I do exactly that - apologise for being busy, but I don’t mean with things more fun than talking to you. My life is full of mundane things, I’m stretched beyond my emotional capacity and I’m basically disorganised. I feel guilty for not keeping up with friends as much as I’d like.

It’s dawning on me now that I’m always the one making contact though.

Same Sad
NETSRIK · 18/04/2022 16:56

@oneform

Grow up
This screams as being a response from someone who recognises themself as someone like your busy busy friend 😀
Cherylstorm11 · 18/04/2022 16:57

Just wanted to jump on to say I have a friend like this. When we meet up she acts like we are best buds so close etc but after meeting up I'll text a few weeks later and she won't reply for a few months until it suits her and then the cycle begins again. When she gets back in touch she does the whole I've been crazy busy with work spiel but I can see on SM she has been out loads with her other friends which is completely fine. That's completely fine it's the being ignored in the interim and not replying to my texts until months later when it suits her that I've realised really bothers me. I also find the 'sorry I've been too busy to contact you' texts condescending. I feel your pain OP.

coffeeisthebest · 18/04/2022 16:58

@lilkiki, I could see that this thread was taking a turn where you could feel like that. But sometimes if something just doesn't feel right it's because it isn't. And none of us can really tell you. But something about this is making you feel crap so listen to your feeling, not a load of strangers on a forum.

NewBlueGoo · 18/04/2022 16:58

I think you’re the one making the drama here. It’s possible to just drift apart without having to make a formal decision to ghost her. This is just what happens over time as people grow up and go their separate ways.

Dacquoise · 18/04/2022 16:58

I kind of get your irritation with your friend. The competitive 'busyness' and 'exhaustion' as an excuse not to prioritise a friendship can be quite wearing after a while. I have someone that periodically sends a one line "how are you" text, I respond, then you wait hours and hours, sometimes days for the follow up. Ridiculous excuses not to meet if it involves effort or expense on her part so what's the point? I don't bother texting her now, not sure if she's noticed!

Cherylstorm11 · 18/04/2022 17:01

Also it is the assumption you will be happy just to go back to opening up to someone who blanks you for months on end... it's presumptuous and rude tbh.

supersop60 · 18/04/2022 17:02

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald

I’m a little worried you might be my friend.

I do exactly that - apologise for being busy, but I don’t mean with things more fun than talking to you. My life is full of mundane things, I’m stretched beyond my emotional capacity and I’m basically disorganised. I feel guilty for not keeping up with friends as much as I’d like.

It’s dawning on me now that I’m always the one making contact though.

I am the same. Just busy with boring mundane crap. And I always make contact first. My friend complained that people hadn't contacted her during the last lockdown, and my thought was 'have your arms dropped off with Covid so you can't use a phone?'
Chikapu · 18/04/2022 17:02

I have a friend who does exactly the same thing, the apologies for being too busy piss me off no end. I feel like asking her if she thinks I've just been sat on my arse holding my breath waiting for her text!

muddyford · 18/04/2022 17:09

A now former friend texted at the beginning of the first lockdown, asking how we were. I texted back immediately, suggested a meetup once we were able to, and I have not heard anything since. We are both busy with our lives and it had usually been me who made contact. I think the last two years have winnowed friendships, the chaff has blown away and the grain is our true, balanced friendships.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:15

@Dacquoise

I kind of get your irritation with your friend. The competitive 'busyness' and 'exhaustion' as an excuse not to prioritise a friendship can be quite wearing after a while. I have someone that periodically sends a one line "how are you" text, I respond, then you wait hours and hours, sometimes days for the follow up. Ridiculous excuses not to meet if it involves effort or expense on her part so what's the point? I don't bother texting her now, not sure if she's noticed!
I definitely don’t think mine has noticed
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:15

@Chikapu

I have a friend who does exactly the same thing, the apologies for being too busy piss me off no end. I feel like asking her if she thinks I've just been sat on my arse holding my breath waiting for her text!
You’ve summarised my 5000 word essay into a few sentences
OP posts:
Gowithme · 18/04/2022 17:16

At the end of the day I guess it's just a case of do you want to be friends with this person or not. If you do then text her more and try to get a better friendship going or if you don't keep telling her you're really busy too and she'll eventually get the message.

godmum56 · 18/04/2022 17:16

@ThinWomansBrain

you don't say how old you are, but I think with school/friends from a young age, it's quite common to grow apart as you develop different interests, go through different life stages - or even with friends that you met/made at a later stage of life. Move on, find new friends that you want to spend time with (and they with you) - you don't have to ghost them, just accept that you're both moving on and in touch less often.
this. I have got quite a few friends who I don't see or talk to often. We remain on friendly terms but our ways have parted....when we do communicate is usually stuff like "where has the year has gone we will definitely get together soon" but we probably won't. In the words of the well know song....let it go.
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:17

[quote coffeeisthebest]@lilkiki, I could see that this thread was taking a turn where you could feel like that. But sometimes if something just doesn't feel right it's because it isn't. And none of us can really tell you. But something about this is making you feel crap so listen to your feeling, not a load of strangers on a forum.[/quote]
It is kind of that

Me turning a blind eye and assuming I’m being bonkers like I always do. And I guess now I’m just over it. Really is a straw that broke the camels back situation

But thank you again

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:19

Thank you everyone. I have read and taken on board all of the comments (even the shady ones!!)

OP posts:
Cherylstorm11 · 18/04/2022 17:20

Gowithme I think often these types who think they are too busy like to be the ones who control the narrative of the friendship and like to come and go under the guise they are too busy to see you... in reality of course it means other things are more important. In my cases, my texts and calls are ignored sometimes for months. Actions are more important with words. Especially if it becomes a pattern of behaviour. It's like anything, eventually you have to decide if it works for you or not.

MyCatIsAJerk · 18/04/2022 17:21

My friend, along with her pals, ditched me in Mexico and I had to hitchhike approximately 65-70 miles back to the U.S. I beat her & her friends back to San Diego.
She said that because I was back & safe there was no harm, no foul. Hmm
That’s what I call very annoying.
I haven’t spoken to her since the early 2000s — and will never again.

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