my friend is very annoying

[lilkiki]

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

@Colourfulrainbows

Lilkiki

Maybe she has genuinely been busy and not notice you cutting contact.

Your last update shows the issue with ghosting same as like I said stubbornness.
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You ghosted. Her text every so oftenare are breezy, not noticing you have ghosted her.

Did you want her to be all like, hi lilkiki not heard from you for a while is everything OK sort of thing and your annoyed because is not.

Friends are not mind readers, plus I can understand your friend not doing that, she knows you have lessoned contact. Just prob sees it as if you need to talk you will.

She will eventually give up. And you will never be friends again.

My god why don't people just talk to each other?

This friend is adding nothing to the OP’s life, why would she miss her if she gives up contacting her? I wouldn’t miss someone contacting me every few months to tell me how busy they are. Would you?

The full thread clearly states the op cut contact the friend at least bothers to text.

Clearly it was never a true friendship in the first place if the op can not be herself and open with her.

Friendship as an adult is not like in school /college. People have, families, work, hobbies, animals, appointments, homes never mind some down time.

This expectation that you need regular contact ( I get it if not spoke in say months). Otherwise no longer friends perplexed me.

What if the move abroad? What if the join army and away for months, what if they are ill in a coma.

Just examples... Do you stop being friends? Do people measure friendship based onhow much they text/call?

Really? Or isn't friendship based on someone you love you get along with.

I will take the friend that I see every so often but is quality over a friend that texts me every day to just talk about nothing.

But I am also fine in my own company, maybe that is the difference. I choose my friends and they mean the world to Me.

It's not about what they can give me.

I’ve never asked anybody to give me anything?

@Colourfulrainbows

The full thread clearly states the op cut contact the friend at least bothers to text.

Clearly it was never a true friendship in the first place if the op can not be herself and open with her.

Friendship as an adult is not like in school /college. People have, families, work, hobbies, animals, appointments, homes never mind some down time.

This expectation that you need regular contact ( I get it if not spoke in say months). Otherwise no longer friends perplexed me.

What if the move abroad? What if the join army and away for months, what if they are ill in a coma.

Just examples... Do you stop being friends? Do people measure friendship based onhow much they text/call?

Really? Or isn't friendship based on someone you love you get along with.

I will take the friend that I see every so often but is quality over a friend that texts me every day to just talk about nothing.

But I am also fine in my own company, maybe that is the difference. I choose my friends and they mean the world to Me.

It's not about what they can give me.

But you have no idea that this was a ‘quality’ friend. The OP has said there were other issues that she hasn’t gone into here. You’re projecting.

In response to this thread/friendship/scenario I mean

And I say that as someone who spent years living abroad and maintained many friendships from afar.

Colourfulrainbows - wow!!

OP I completely get what you meant and I know how it feels. When it becomes a pattern stretching over years it does feel silly really and just a shame. Just know that it's not you. Some people haven't been through this.

Has nobody actually noticed that the op don't contact the friend.

That the op has made no effort herself to meet up.

The op is annoyed as she has cut the friend and the friend don't know this as has not been told.

But hey the friend that actually bothered with her, yep she is awful for you know checking in. Because it was not asking the op what's wrong, but breezy.

That's what ghosting is. A person stops communicating. Expecting the other to just know what is wrong. And for them to sort it.

The one ghosted has no idea as nobody has told them, they should just pick up clues. Friend she has ghosted. Cares a little still as breezy texts.

Eventually she will care zero. And the friendship will never be again.

Me if you ghost me, leave you to it and good luck. If someone sees me as a friend but cannot talk with me openingly then sorry we never became real friends.

As if you don't trust me and can not talk to me, that's not a friend. All I do is wish them well and get on with my life.

@Colourfulrainbows

Has nobody actually noticed that the op don't contact the friend.

That the op has made no effort herself to meet up.

The op is annoyed as she has cut the friend and the friend don't know this as has not been told.

But hey the friend that actually bothered with her, yep she is awful for you know checking in. Because it was not asking the op what's wrong, but breezy.

That's what ghosting is. A person stops communicating. Expecting the other to just know what is wrong. And for them to sort it.

The one ghosted has no idea as nobody has told them, they should just pick up clues. Friend she has ghosted. Cares a little still as breezy texts.

Eventually she will care zero. And the friendship will never be again.

Me if you ghost me, leave you to it and good luck. If someone sees me as a friend but cannot talk with me openingly then sorry we never became real friends.

As if you don't trust me and can not talk to me, that's not a friend. All I do is wish them well and get on with my life.

You are taking this very personally.

Honestly, I get the feeling that you’re really invested and I’m not sure why?

Readtomove.

You are correct I do not know if it was a quality friend or not.

I know nothing about their friendship, other than what op has stated.

That she has cut the friendship due to her feelings of friend being haughty and she is annoyed that the other person still texts every so often as finds it patronising as says soo busy.

Not quite sure what you think I am projecting but OK.

Readytomove

Not at all. Just stating my opinion and replying.
Nothing at all personal about that.

If you read you will see quite clearly I state different people have different expectations of friendship.

The op wrote a post on a public forum. That generates different responses and opinions.

I could be this friend but I am genuinely busy. It’s not that I prefer some friends to others but it’s just how things work out. I have friends all over the country as well as family. I can’t see everyone and I can’t afford to stay in hotels when I visit. When I stay with my family I normally only have time to see one friend as well. I apologise to my friends but I’m the one who does all the organising. I also work shifts and weekends, some of my friends do and some don’t. If we want a weekend off these are normally for big birthdays, weddings and still not guaranteed. I would hope a friend would never bin me off because I’m busy or take to long to reply. Let your friend go, let her spend time with people who value her friendship and the effort she puts into maintaining them.

I am so sick of ‘friends’ saying that they miss me and we must get together soon but then not making any effort. I used to contact them first to check in ( two moved away, not very far, maybe 30mins.) and the narrative is always the same. I don’t bother now. My stock response used to be ‘that’s a great idea, let me know when you are free’, now I just ignore it.
I had exactly the same with a school Mum friend. We known each other for 15 years. Been friendly and been out loads, with our kids and just the two of us. Since lockdown she’s been having a tough time. I’ve tried calling and messaging and not gotten any replies, so I left it. I’ve seen recently that she has been on social media posting lots of memes about being alone and having no friends (I usually ignore these, from anyone), but I reached out and told her I am always free if she needed anyone. She replied thanks. I bumped into her in the playground, the first time I’ve seen her in person for a long time, she looked really embarrassed and said that we just get together soon. It felt like an automated response to seeing me. I just said, okay let me know when. I don’t think I’ll hear from her

Alexisrose 16

Agree with you. I mean the op sees the friend texting as her should be greatful.

She is not seeing maybe a genuine friend of 15 years who is seeing how she is when she gets a chance.

Yet the op slates the friend for checking in, yet she makes zero effort herself.

But we don't know the dynamics or why after 15 years of friendship, she finds her haughty.

Or why after 15 years can not communicate her feelings to her friend.

I have friend 15 + and can say anything to them. But yeah I totally agree with you.

This could be written about me . I say I'm
Busy because I am insanely overwhelmed though 🤷‍♀️

I'd say go easy!

And by the way, I agree that competitive busyness is annoying although as others on this thread have pointed out there could genuinely be no ill intent behind it.

Yes, makes sense!
I've done the same with someone in a friends group before. Group of 8 - no problem. Group of 3/4 - no thank you!