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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend is very annoying

243 replies

lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:15

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:23

@Cherylstorm11

Gowithme I think often these types who think they are too busy like to be the ones who control the narrative of the friendship and like to come and go under the guise they are too busy to see you... in reality of course it means other things are more important. In my cases, my texts and calls are ignored sometimes for months. Actions are more important with words. Especially if it becomes a pattern of behaviour. It's like anything, eventually you have to decide if it works for you or not.
I do agree Like I notice with mine, when I see our mutual friends, it is often commented that they saw X who said they’d been meaning to see me/speak to me etc but hadn’t. And I get like a puppy dog look like “aww you’ll see X soon don’t worry!!” And it’s like, I know I’m being petty 100% but I haven’t spoken to you either so fricken stop!! Just annoying but I think from this thread it does seem as tho I’m maybe just too much or being a prick or whatever
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:23

@MyCatIsAJerk

My friend, along with her pals, ditched me in Mexico and I had to hitchhike approximately 65-70 miles back to the U.S. I beat her & her friends back to San Diego. She said that because I was back & safe there was no harm, no foul. Hmm That’s what I call very annoying. I haven’t spoken to her since the early 2000s — and will never again.
Bloody hell
OP posts:
bringon2020 · 18/04/2022 17:24

Perhaps she would like you to make contact, but she doesn't want to be seen as "demanding"?
(I HATE when people complain about my silence, or demand anything. It's a trigger of mine. So, I never demand attention from friends, even when I feel like)

Cherylstorm11 · 18/04/2022 17:27

Lilkiki I think if it's like my situation, I've realised because the friendship doesn't mean the same to them, it doesn't mean as much to me anymore if that makes sense. So I'm happy to let it go. I think I would feel almost taken advantage of to meet mine again!! I just don't believe what they say as much anymore, as dramatic as that sounds!

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:31

@Cherylstorm11

Lilkiki I think if it's like my situation, I've realised because the friendship doesn't mean the same to them, it doesn't mean as much to me anymore if that makes sense. So I'm happy to let it go. I think I would feel almost taken advantage of to meet mine again!! I just don't believe what they say as much anymore, as dramatic as that sounds!
We’re pretty much singing from the same hymn sheet. I mentally checked out a while back and don’t want to meet up or chat or anything really but we have friends in common and I don’t want it To be a ‘thing’

It’s all a lot lol
Think I’ll not mention it to anyone we mutually
Know tho tho by the way this thread has gone hahaha!!

OP posts:
katepilar · 18/04/2022 17:35

I dont get why you think she thinks you have nothing to do and just keep waiting for her to text you.

1AngelicFruitCake · 18/04/2022 17:36

I think you need to be more mature about this, stop seeing the worst in her and text first. If she replies with ‘sorry I’ve been so busy’ maybe she’s beating herself up, even taking the blame knowing it’s both of you.

You sound quite sulky if you don’t mind me saying! Very ready to be offended!

beastlyslumber · 18/04/2022 17:37

It's fine to not want to stay friends with someone. But you don't need to find a reason why it's the other person's fault. Just own your decision - you feel annoyed by her (whether that's fair or not is irrelevant) and you're deciding to back away from the friendship.

I think where YABU is in putting the responsibility/blame on your friend for what are your boundaries and your decisions.

MakkaPakkas · 18/04/2022 17:37

I have a friend who is a bit like this. Very flakey, sends a message every 3 months or so saying let's meet up and when I say ok. How about Monday night or I can do any night except Thursday and Friday etc... She then either doesn't reply or can't do the day or whatever. We only ever meet up about once every 18 months. Tbh I do find it mildly annoying, but I presume she's been having a hard time (I know problems TTC plus pandemic etc.) & doesn't want to prioritize hanging out with me, which is fair enough.
My response is basically that I don't initiate because I find it frustrating and I'm not that arsed about seeing her either, but I don't want to be mean so I don't ghost her or say anything about it. Perhaps something similar will work for you?

Dacquoise · 18/04/2022 17:37

@Cherylstorm11, spot on! It does feel like they want the control in the friendship and keep you on the back-burner in case they need you at any stage.

I was told by my annoying friend that she was so busy and exhausted that she needed to take a day off work to recover for a meet on a weekend, oh and she only just realised that she'd run out of leave. That was after telling about her weekend away with someone else! All a bit wanky and self-involved. I had to chuckleGrin

MarilynValentine · 18/04/2022 17:39

YANBU.

Please reply with the ‘Oh wow so sorry I’ve been too busy to notice! Aargh sorry! Hope you’re ok?’

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:40

@katepilar

I dont get why you think she thinks you have nothing to do and just keep waiting for her to text you.
I suppose I took it that way because I don’t understand why telling someone how busy you are and have been too busy To contact is a convo opener. Like, it’s just a given that we haven’t been in contact because they have been too busy. Rather than just a “hi how are you stranger” type of text, I guess? like there’s no acknowledgement that maybe I got stuff going on too?

But like I’ve said I do appreciate I’m likely in the wrong here as per the majority of responses

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:42

@beastlyslumber

It's fine to not want to stay friends with someone. But you don't need to find a reason why it's the other person's fault. Just own your decision - you feel annoyed by her (whether that's fair or not is irrelevant) and you're deciding to back away from the friendship.

I think where YABU is in putting the responsibility/blame on your friend for what are your boundaries and your decisions.

That’s a fair point
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:45

@MakkaPakkas

I have a friend who is a bit like this. Very flakey, sends a message every 3 months or so saying let's meet up and when I say ok. How about Monday night or I can do any night except Thursday and Friday etc... She then either doesn't reply or can't do the day or whatever. We only ever meet up about once every 18 months. Tbh I do find it mildly annoying, but I presume she's been having a hard time (I know problems TTC plus pandemic etc.) & doesn't want to prioritize hanging out with me, which is fair enough. My response is basically that I don't initiate because I find it frustrating and I'm not that arsed about seeing her either, but I don't want to be mean so I don't ghost her or say anything about it. Perhaps something similar will work for you?
That was what I was doing for quite some time. Just reply and happy to meet when when available but then it became just instant “I’m so so busy” texts which have shifted my attitude quote a lot. It’s like a preemptive “don’t ask to meet up because I’m so busy” type thing. So I’m just Like, ok go be busy and important somewhere then?

But I dunno
Tbe threads been a bit of an eye
Opener so I’ll just think it all over

OP posts:
Cherylstorm11 · 18/04/2022 17:45

It's difficult isn't it OP. For ages I was in the accept people as they are camp, even if things are on their terms but I'm moving towards the this doesn't work for me I would like more back from this supposed level of friendship, if thay makes sense? Again, I realise this does sound very dramatic but this feeling has been building up in me for years I suppose...

MarilynValentine · 18/04/2022 17:45

I disagree. The friend sounds irritating, reading all the updates.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:46

[quote Dacquoise]@Cherylstorm11, spot on! It does feel like they want the control in the friendship and keep you on the back-burner in case they need you at any stage.

I was told by my annoying friend that she was so busy and exhausted that she needed to take a day off work to recover for a meet on a weekend, oh and she only just realised that she'd run out of leave. That was after telling about her weekend away with someone else! All a bit wanky and self-involved. I had to chuckleGrin[/quote]
Wouldn’t surprise me if we have the same friend I can relate to this

OP posts:
PointersPlease · 18/04/2022 17:48

Actually I've stopped contacting a friend who was always too busy to fit me in, or it had to be booked in 4 weeks ahead. I stopped trying to keep things going last summer and she hasn't initiated any contact since. Its a shame but there it is. Patently I thought we were better friends than she did and I'm not going to push it.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 17:48

@MarilynValentine

YANBU.

Please reply with the ‘Oh wow so sorry I’ve been too busy to notice! Aargh sorry! Hope you’re ok?’

Will actually use this!!!
OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/04/2022 17:55

And leave her messages on unread for days and days.

NETSRIK · 18/04/2022 18:00

@MarilynValentine

YANBU.

Please reply with the ‘Oh wow so sorry I’ve been too busy to notice! Aargh sorry! Hope you’re ok?’

Love this. Good thing is that if you mirror them in your reply they won't like it. They'll see exactly how they sound and come across. Might be a good lesson for them.
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 18:06

I particularly
Love the “argh!!” Lol

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 18/04/2022 18:09

@lilkiki, I would be sympathetic but she was furloughed for two years and doesn't have a high powered job! It's all very dramatic.

beastlyslumber · 18/04/2022 18:11

This is just an observation, OP. Reading through the thread, it seems that you are very easily swayed by other people's opinions. When someone makes a good case that YABU, you agree and say you'll take that on board. Then when someone else makes a case that YANBU, you agree with them and say that's exactly how you feel. It makes me wonder if the issue is really nothing to do with your friend, and everything to do with your own lack of boundaries? Do you feel you can trust your own perceptions and make good decisions? It's fine to decide you don't want to be friends with someone. You don't need anyone else's endorsement or permission. Maybe the reason you take her comments as insults is because you are overly focused on what others think about you?

Courante · 18/04/2022 18:14

Yes, your friend does sound irritating OP.
I would reply with something like the suggestions you've already had regarding you've been just as busy and no big deal - bright and breezy!
Is there anything in the pipeline for your friends group as a whole?