my friend is very annoying

[lilkiki]

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

Lilkiki don't beat yourself up about how you feel about it. I don't think you have handled things badly as it's not just the messages it's the feeling behind them. We all have intuition etc and we all know deep down that how people feel about us is how they act around us. Just pay attention and see whether that will work for you now and act accordingly.

In my case, I now feel that it would take too much effort for me after years of feeling ghosted on and off to pick things back up with my friend if and when she gets back in touch. I would rather be open to new friendships tbh. I won't ghost or ignore but I won't meet either. With some friendships I've realised its not worth investing to that.degree when you feel you are not getting what you need back if that makes sense. I wasn't asking for very much after all. Just a reply to the odd message between meetings!

I don’t really have any friends, I have one old school friend, we solely speak via social media and only occasionally but I value the friendship, my husband gets annoyed though as he feels my friend only reached out when she needs help, she doesn’t really send me a message just to chat but I’ve always been the agony aunt

I also have one family member who I value as a close friend, again I live hundreds of miles away from them but when I lived close by we regularly met up and I see them once every 1/2 years now.
We speak online sporadically but we both have hectic lives so it’s easy to go weeks without contact and then think oh shit I haven’t spoke to Nora for weeks!
I’ll send a very apologetic message saying how busy (hectic) life’s been, they know I have two disabled children and a lot going on but I always feel guilty for not keeping in contact as much as I’d like to so I always say sorry.
I do miss seeing them very much, they have a physical friendship circle of people they get to meet up with, go out for coffee/drinks and socialise with.
I only have my husband and my children, I don’t have any friends that I see in real life so it does get lonely and I do feel like the friend that is easily forgotten, out of sight out of mind.

I discovered a few years ago that I have autism, I’ve struggled to keep friendships all my life, I had friends in school but I only saw them in school, the same goes for uni and work, I’ve always longed to have a group a “girlfriends” but clearly I’m not very good at the whole friend thing.

Be thankful you have someone who cares enough to reach out to you, you said she was lovely and maybe you are just overthinking the text messages. She could genuinely be feeling guilty for not chatting as much as she’d like, life does get in the way, especially if things are chaotic, I don’t know what your friend is like but she could be reaching out to you for help, maybe she needs a friend to confide in but doesn’t know how to say it so is hoping you’ll ask how she is?
Friendships are complicated but I think if you have someone who is truly lovely and caring then it’s important to try to hold on to them.

Lilkiki I don't think you have handled this badly or you should feel badly, although how you feel is how you feel.

You sound funny and your friend sounds like she takes herself too seriously. No-one is that busy all the time so its a question of prioritising. And she is prioritising other things/people over you which is fine but why the need to keep texting to say she's busy, especially when you haven't messaged her first.

Don't you want to go to the birthday meet-ups @lilkiki?
I wouldn't remove yourself from your mutual friends just because of this one rather annoying 'busy' acquaintance.
I had a few mixed acquaintance/friends groups over the years and there is usually one who a bit on the annoying side for varying reasons.

I think that, essentially, you don't really like her very much any more, and so you're looking for things in her texts to be annoyed by so you don't feel so bad about ditching her.

Clearly this friendship has long since run its course. No need for drama.

The op has decided long ago its not someone she cares to be friends with anymore. Op has made no effort her side to maintain the friendship but then is confused as to why the other person still pops up saying been busy etc and trying to you know start conversations and maybe ease into if anything is wrong.

Op clearly finds this annoying as the friend of over 15 years didn't take the hint/ read mind. Maybe the op friend genuinely respected the friendship. You know if you was in a relationship for 15 years would you just ghost them? Not speak to them about how you are feeling?

I don't understand why people get up in arms about a polite text, which is essentially saying sorry I have not been in touch ( but you are still on my mind I still value you) and am seeing how you are?

Why on earth would that annoying anyone?

Other than your own issues. You feel like they are implying something else.

That's your feelings. Not what is said.

Text causes biggest communicate mixes.

I am glad I have friends that understand I work. That when my disabled son requires my support I will be busy. That they don't get all petty at me because I send a text saying sorry for delay in replying been busy.

And you know what works both ways. And none of them fall out with me over it.

@ChampagneLassie response is spot on - no drama and no awkwardness as and when paths do cross.

Friendship is a two way street. People prioritise a friendship or they don't. That's all there is to it. Ignoring someone because a friend is too busy is fine but the other friend might need more for a deep or important friendship.

Yes no need for drama or ghosting, just be friendly and civil and move on.

OP I don't think you're being passive aggressive or weird or insecure. This friend does sound annoying! Most of us are busy in one way or another. If she felt bad she could just say she's sorry for not getting in touch sooner. She doesn't need to keep saying how busy she is unless it somehow makes her feel important.

She may mean nothing by it but I can see that it is annoying and I would probably reply "No worries I've been busy too. Hope all is well" or something because I do think some people think they are busier than everyone else.

Cherylstorm 11

You are correct, friendship is a two way street. But generally after 15 years you know if you have a compatible friendship or not.

Yes some people require more time, deepness is not about time it quality of the friendship. My longest standing friend. I saw oh let's see for a proper catch up well before Christmas and then day after my birthday in March.

Then yesterday. We don't talk text for weeks. But you know what. Both if need each other are there. Can be totally honest with each other. Have a laugh together.

She just had a baby and moved house. I work and have a son with learning disabilities.

Shall I cut her out my life if I text and she don't reply for a week? Shall I cut her out my life if I don't message her yet she messages me saying been busy and asked how I am? That would be petty and stupid to myself.

You thing the op is correct which is fine. But the op from what I have read would be friends with you for 15 years then ghost you because the are annoyed that you text in a way they find patronising ( which is there issue).

They would also all of a sudden find you haughty and not communicate with you why this is or ask themselves what has changed for them to feel that way first.

Nope they would just throw away a friendship without finding out what changed.

The friend would have no idea.

This is why I hate ghosting. It's same as stubbornness. Thing is the friend knows she has been ghosted just don't know why.

The op clearly wasn't as close to the friend as she said as would not throw away a friendship after 15 years over something so petty.

Prob more an acquaintance.

As if you truly value the friendship you don't ghost them and chuck it in the bin.

Over that they don't like the way they text them. That the op finds it patronising. So the op's feelings.

Nothing about the quality of the friendship.

I watched my best friend die. That puts a lots of stuff into perspective.

I agree. They are patronising.

Let's assume the OP is a grown up woman able to read the nuances and changes in an old friendship. Let's assume that she finds her old friend now patronising and condescending. Who are we to judge that on her behalf?

As MN is famous for saying, we can leave a relationship at any time if we feel there is no respect anymore.

Colourfulrainbows what if the old friend isn't there for you when you need them? What if their absence upsets you? What if you are not okay wirh greater and greater gaps between contact? Are you still supposed to be delighted that your busy friend has eventually made time for you? To accept crumbs? Or accept the friend has decided the friendship is not what it was and decide to move on yourself.

I am sorry your friend died.

Cherylstorm 11

The thing is the op don't actually contact this person herself. She cut contact.

Because she ( assuming she) finds her friend haughty after 15 years. But nowhere has she elebrated on why that is.

So after 15 years there has been a change. And the change has come from the op 's feelings.

The thread is not I message my friend and she never replies or takes ages to respond and gaps are longer in between.

The op clearly states that she has been friends for 15 years and during lockdown she has not contacted them for years but the friend she has ghosted still texts every so often saying been busy trying to keep in touch. And the op don't like this.

I mean why on earth has the op even kept the number. Because it is about friend coming to her.

I don't at all disagree with if contact drifts then friendship drifts, that is life.

But that's not what the op post is about

Funnily enough I do not have her as a contact. But I haven’t blocked her so I do receive messages.

I don’t know why you seem to care so much? You think I’m in the wrong, well alright.

I think you're more annoying. You haven't contacted her first in years. You expect her to initiate all contact. Maybe she is fed up of that and is passive aggressively kind of showing that and only 'remembering' you when she can be arsed? Not sure I blame her really.

Friendships go both ways. If you want to talk to her, send her a message or phone her. If you don't, just stop replying altogether and let yourselves drift apart. Sounds like the latter is the correct option to be honest.

Cherylstorm 11

Like you said friendship works both ways
.
All I can see from the op's post is her friend at least bothers to contact her, where as she don't contact them.

And the reason she started to find her haughty, yet instead of talking to her friend as clearly something had changed for her to feel that way or they were never close to start with. She ghosted her.

And now it's the ghosted friend that is the issue as she tries to reach out. And she see that as patronising.

I mean how dare her friend who has not done anything wrong.been unfriended yet don't know is unaware as nobody has actually communicated with her.

How dare she send a message saying that she has been busy and try to engage with what she prob believes is a friend of 15 years?!

No wonder grown woman have issues forming close friendships.

If my friend told me how to act. What I could say in text. Not state I was busy or got annoyed at me for not replying straight away. I would not be friends with them.

As you don't get to say how another grown up woman should behave.

@Courante

Don't you want to go to the birthday meet-ups *@lilkiki*? I wouldn't remove yourself from your mutual friends just because of this one rather annoying 'busy' acquaintance. I had a few mixed acquaintance/friends groups over the years and there is usually one who a bit on the annoying side for varying reasons.

I will go but maybe avoid tbe more intimate gatherings. I just feel as tho (presuming again but from knowing her obvs) that’d be a loud and noticeable “oh my god!!! Lilkiki!!! How are you it’s been so long!!! You know what I’m like I’ve been all over tbe place. How are you!!!!” Know what I mean? I’m actually not as bothered as I have come across on this thread. I think I was a bit triggered but overall, it’s just a case of people drifting apart. I just find the swanning in with unsolicited updates , as if our lack of contact has been purely down to their inordinately busy life as the reason we do not see one another. Not actually noticing that I don’t engage whatsoever I guess I’m a bit like, I dunno spoilt or unseen or something? I don’t know how to explain it

@AllOfUsAreDead

I think you're more annoying. You haven't contacted her first in years. You expect her to initiate all contact. Maybe she is fed up of that and is passive aggressively kind of showing that and only 'remembering' you when she can be arsed? Not sure I blame her really.

Friendships go both ways. If you want to talk to her, send her a message or phone her. If you don't, just stop replying altogether and let yourselves drift apart. Sounds like the latter is the correct option to be honest.

I’ve never said I expected contact?

Lilkiki

Not about right or wrong.

If it's a friend who you actually like when spend time together. Then personally I think you will regret it. 15 years is a long time to just drop someone.

Who from what little I know has done nothing bad to you. Just don't meet your expectations of how wish a friend to act.

If no regrets fine. You do you. End of the day you posted on a public forum clearly its on your mind.

You post you get opinions that differ to your own.

Just like people expectations in friendship differ.

I mean this with the greatest respect, just make sure you are certain before you cut a chord as real true good friends are worth their weight in gold. And be a shame to loose one because of slight annoyance on your own part.

But hey what do i know.

I appreciate your responses and I’m sorry abojf your friend. I can understand your position considering you’ve lost a friend.

But for me, this isn’t a “new” thing. I’m not throwing somebody away because they do not text me in a way I expect. Altho I appreciate that’s how you see it.

It’s been a long time coming of their superior and lofty bullshit (various things I can’t be arsed to her into because they’re irrelevant to the reason she’s annoying me now) and this is just the last issue. I don’t need someone to intermittently pop up, just to tell me how busy they are and apologise for being too busy for me
I haven’t asked for an explanation or friendship. I don’t seek help, advice or contact from them. I certainly don’t need to be told why I’m not a priority in their busy life. They can be busy and important over there and good luck to them.

Are they really worth their weight in gold though if they are too busy to get in touch or meet? Dead weight perhaps.

If that is the case then the bar is set too low.

The OP has said she has backed off / gone quiet because her friend is too busy with other things to prioritise the friendship with OP.

Of course the OP is going to back off at this point, most people would.

It sounds as though, true to form, the OP gets a message from her friend sporadically saying she has been really busy with other things to have been in touch... newsflash... the OP knows!!!!!

I don't understand why other people find this dynamic so difficult to understand.

Lilkiki

Maybe she has genuinely been busy and not notice you cutting contact.

Your last update shows the issue with ghosting same as like I said stubbornness.
e
You ghosted. Her text every so oftenare are breezy, not noticing you have ghosted her.

Did you want her to be all like, hi lilkiki not heard from you for a while is everything OK sort of thing and your annoyed because is not.

Friends are not mind readers, plus I can understand your friend not doing that, she knows you have lessoned contact. Just prob sees it as if you need to talk you will.

She will eventually give up. And you will never be friends again.

My god why don't people just talk to each other?

@Cherylstorm11

Are they really worth their weight in gold though if they are too busy to get in touch or meet? Dead weight perhaps.

If that is the case then the bar is set too low.

The OP has said she has backed off / gone quiet because her friend is too busy with other things to prioritise the friendship with OP.

Of course the OP is going to back off at this point, most people would.

It sounds as though, true to form, the OP gets a message from her friend sporadically saying she has been really busy with other things to have been in touch... newsflash... the OP knows!!!!!

I don't understand why other people find this dynamic so difficult to understand.

I’m thinking how some people see it, I’m supposed to be grateful for the check-ins and I’m surly for not being appreciate of them