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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend is very annoying

243 replies

lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:15

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 18/04/2022 16:17

Maybe she thinks you've got the hump for some reason because you never message first

I don't think I'd read too much into any of it if you actually like her

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:19

@butterpuffed

Think of it from your friend's point of view. She's always the one to get in touch after a gap and must wonder why it's always her who does so.

It sounds like she's keen to keep your friendship going and probably uses 'busy' as she's not sure what to say .

Yeah i have been thinking about the responses. It’s just completely different perspectives I guess. I just saw it as really, like rude and condescending rather than maybe a way to fill the awkwardness So I will maybe give it a ponder, for sure.
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:20

@Abaababa

You hit the nail on the head, OP, when you wrote ‘Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous…’.
Lol point taken!!
OP posts:
Dragonsbe · 18/04/2022 16:23

Likiki, I have had a couple of "friends" like this...no one I really want to be friends with would write with nothing interesting to say, or ask, so just respond if and when you want with, perhaps, aww, it's so lovely to hear from you! All great with me (insert random news here), hope the same for you? And then ...slow fade the engagement. You don't need people like that intruding your life randomly.

ExMachinaDeus · 18/04/2022 16:25

she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me

And were you in touch with her more frequently?

I think that the effects of the lockdowns are hard to judge and we should cut each other some slack about the last 2 years. I know that they've been the toughest years of my working life, and yes, I have been both very busy & also just exhausted from dealing with the pandemic, illness, overwork etc etc etc.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:32

@ExMachinaDeus

she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me

And were you in touch with her more frequently?

I think that the effects of the lockdowns are hard to judge and we should cut each other some slack about the last 2 years. I know that they've been the toughest years of my working life, and yes, I have been both very busy & also just exhausted from dealing with the pandemic, illness, overwork etc etc etc.

No didnt message at all Which is a lot of the reason I found the sporadic declarations of business (busyness?) to be so grating. Altho admittedly it didn’t always annoy me; it actually confused me at first.

But I have taken the comments on board from both sides. And I’ll have to have a think about my levels of bitchness (and also why she’s even talking to me?? I’d have ghosted myself ago!!)

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 18/04/2022 16:35

Lol OP you sound like fun Smile

Philisophigal · 18/04/2022 16:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

FabFitFifties · 18/04/2022 16:36

Are you just having a grumpy day OP? It seems you are massively over thinking things. You have already admitted she is a lovely person. I doubt she would therefore view you as a "piece of shit". That's not very charitable thinking, from you as a friend. You seem to read "busy" life as having a fantastic social life without you. It may mean, hectic, stressful, chaotic life. She does make an effort - you don't, other than the effort you put into nasty thoughts about her. Ghosting would be hurtful and mean. I'd like to think you are a nicer person than your posts are suggesting. Try checking in with her more often, and checking she is OK in the middle of all this busyness, and keep a lovely friend.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:37

I sound insane I can’t help it I don’t know how to be any different haaaaaahaha

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 18/04/2022 16:37

You sound pretty immature tbh.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:39

@FabFitFifties

Are you just having a grumpy day OP? It seems you are massively over thinking things. You have already admitted she is a lovely person. I doubt she would therefore view you as a "piece of shit". That's not very charitable thinking, from you as a friend. You seem to read "busy" life as having a fantastic social life without you. It may mean, hectic, stressful, chaotic life. She does make an effort - you don't, other than the effort you put into nasty thoughts about her. Ghosting would be hurtful and mean. I'd like to think you are a nicer person than your posts are suggesting. Try checking in with her more often, and checking she is OK in the middle of all this busyness, and keep a lovely friend.
that’s actually made me feel like I’ve been really awful Now I feel so guilty Oh no :(

Ok well thank you
I am taking on board what you’ve said and I likely very much in the wrong so I’ll do better

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:40

@HaggisBurger

You sound pretty immature tbh.
Yeah you’d not think Ive already had lots of therapy already right
OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2022 16:40

But how could I be angry with her, if I haven’t contacted her either?

So you've ghosted her because you're pissed of that she hasn't contacted you as much as you deem appropriate?

Are you all 13?

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:41

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

But how could I be angry with her, if I haven’t contacted her either?

So you've ghosted her because you're pissed of that she hasn't contacted you as much as you deem appropriate?

Are you all 13?

No I was answering someone else saying that they assumed I was mad or angry And I asked how I could be angry - that would make me a hypocrite?
OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 18/04/2022 16:42

I relate. I once dumped a friend who was exactly like this. I have no time for this nonsense. I’ve now made friends with honest and direct people. They message “I miss you. When can I see you? Coffee tomorrow?” That kind of thing. If I get those squeeze you in type messages they are binned. Just don’t put up with it. The next “gosh I’m so busy” kind of message you get from her respond “ah ok, you seem to have a lot going on so I’d rather you didn’t keep messaging me anymore. You don’t have the time and I don’t have the time to read these kind of messages. All the best” then don’t respond to anything else. She’s a narc. Dump.

TeaStory · 18/04/2022 16:44

I didn’t say I would assume you were angry, I said I would be worried you were angry - not the same thing.

needmorethanthis · 18/04/2022 16:44

I also dump people who constantly talk about all the “brilliant 100 friends they have” if we get together for dinner etc. I’m not interested in hearing about how “amazing” all your other friends are. When you’re with me you’d better prioritise me and our friendship or you are binned.

RJnomore1 · 18/04/2022 16:45

Yeah she’s trying to give you an out for you not having contacted her either but unlike you she values your friendship enough to keep it going. You sound horribly self centred tbh.

WindyKnickers · 18/04/2022 16:45

I think you're overthinking this. We all feel bad about friends we don't speak to often and although we value them and enjoy their company life gets in the way. No need to "ghost", just let it go the way it is going and accept that friendships change over time.

SkoolShoes · 18/04/2022 16:45

@TokenGinger

She's being nice. Probably trying to take the blame for no contact because she doesn't want to call you out on being shit at not contacting her. She's just taking the blame to reinstate conversation without awkwardness. That isn't her saying that you're not busy.

This is so weird. I can't believe someone would take offence at somebody saying they're busy, as if it suggests your life isn't.

This is kind of what I thought.
WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 16:47

How old are you both?

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 16:48

When you’re with me you’d better prioritise me and our friendship or you are binned.

😂😂😂

nitsandwormsdodger · 18/04/2022 16:48

You aren’t close friends otherwise you would have arranged to actually meet up
Can’t really work out how she is being “ haughty”? She is making all the effort to keep contact she acknowledges and apologises for it so not haughty
Sorry but you are over thinking and reading insults where. There are none just let friendship slide if you are not interested in meeting up sounds as if she would make you feel crap about yourself whatever she said or did

coffeeisthebest · 18/04/2022 16:49

OP this is clearly about more than these messages, there must be other stuff about the relationship that isn't working for this to annoy you so much. Maybe it is just done, and this is the final straw, in which case just back away. You are not crazy or acting 13, you are allowed to read inferences in your own relationships. So clearly all the therapy has paid off and maybe this is one relationship that isn't working so well currently. Good luck.