my friend is very annoying

[lilkiki]

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

@MarilynValentine

YANBU.

Please reply with the ‘Oh wow so sorry I’ve been too busy to notice! Aargh sorry! Hope you’re ok?’

Yes - this ^. Pretty perfect!

Beastlyslumber that is a good question to the OP. I sometimes think of mumsnet as a laboratory where you can test ideas and thoughts out wirh other people without having to share them with people in real life. Sometimes ideas coming out of the subconscious, if that makes sense sometimes to test decisions you haven't made yet. When you have followed a certain path for a while I think it's a good idea to check in with yourself and ask yourself whether it is still working. I think the OP is at the weighing things up stage.

Im jumping in OP! To say firstly, I think you sound great :) and secondly I totally get it. I have a friend of many years who is very much like this and it’s all get very dull and grating. I think the insecurity may sit with your friend, not you. Perhaps it grates on her that you demonstrate you aren’t needy of her friendship. There can be real pleasure in being ‘seen/heard’ to be so busy in life. As if it’s a sign of successful living. She doesn’t seem to follow up with meeting you, so you have to ask, what’s in it for her… I think sending the message is what’s in it for her.

@beastlyslumber

This is just an observation, OP. Reading through the thread, it seems that you are very easily swayed by other people's opinions. When someone makes a good case that YABU, you agree and say you'll take that on board. Then when someone else makes a case that YANBU, you agree with them and say that's exactly how you feel. It makes me wonder if the issue is really nothing to do with your friend, and everything to do with your own lack of boundaries? Do you feel you can trust your own perceptions and make good decisions? It's fine to decide you don't want to be friends with someone. You don't need anyone else's endorsement or permission. Maybe the reason you take her comments as insults is because you are overly focused on what others think about you?

Thanks for this I guess I’m just used to being told I’m like, being a wanted or whatever that I suppose that’s my default position I’m not particularly focused on what she thinks of me because actually I’m kind of done with her but I suppose I don’t want to be horrible. And many of the responses are essentially that I’m being childish or similar So I guess I’m just accepting that maybe I have acted wrongly in this scenario (but ghosting or not reaching oht and placing the onus on her etc) But in terms of our friendship, I’m totally over it

I have no idea if any of that made sense! Sorry

I have a friend where it has become a thing that i find myself really being careful what i say, as if i say something positive or happy about our lives, i feel like she takes it, well, in the way you are taking your friend saying she is busy. As if its sort of a one upmanship thing, when its really not, so i find myself now struggling a bit for things to say of what we have been up to, incase she takes it the wrong way.

She is very much probably not saying she is busy, inferring you are not and you are just sitting around waiting for her, she's is just busy and telling you so ?!

@Notonmywatch21

Im jumping in OP! To say firstly, I think you sound great :) and secondly I totally get it. I have a friend of many years who is very much like this and it’s all get very dull and grating. I think the insecurity may sit with your friend, not you. Perhaps it grates on her that you demonstrate you aren’t needy of her friendship. There can be real pleasure in being ‘seen/heard’ to be so busy in life. As if it’s a sign of successful living. She doesn’t seem to follow up with meeting you, so you have to ask, what’s in it for her… I think sending the message is what’s in it for her.

I’ve never really thought about it like that

@tiggergoesbounce

I have a friend where it has become a thing that i find myself really being careful what i say, as if i say something positive or happy about our lives, i feel like she takes it, well, in the way you are taking your friend saying she is busy. As if its sort of a one upmanship thing, when its really not, so i find myself now struggling a bit for things to say of what we have been up to, incase she takes it the wrong way.

She is very much probably not saying she is busy, inferring you are not and you are just sitting around waiting for her, she's is just busy and telling you so ?!

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that I don’t want them to tell me good news. That would be the complete opposite of what I’d want from any interaction!

Yeah it makes sense. It sounds like you already made the decision you don't want to maintain the friendship, but you're looking for justification/support for that decision? Or reassurance that it's okay because she's horrible/annoying etc. But really, it's your decision. She could be the loveliest person in the world and you are still 100% entitled to say you don't want to be friends with her.

I don't think you're being horrible. I do think you are unreasonable to take her comments about being busy as insults about your lack of busy-ness, or to blame her in any way for your decision to end the friendship. I think the pp who said you're being childish are talking about these aspects of your post, rather than your decision to not continue the friendship.

I would just stop being in contact, be friendly if you're in a room together, and when her name comes up in conversation, just change the subject or say something non-commital, like, "no we haven't been in touch, we've drifted apart. How are you, what have you been up to lately?"

@Courante

Yes, your friend does sound irritating OP. I would reply with something like the suggestions you've already had regarding you've been just as busy and no big deal - bright and breezy! Is there anything in the pipeline for your friends group as a whole?

Couple of Birthdays I might have a headache for. I can feel it coming on already lol

Sorry
I meant to say “being a wanker” not “being wanted” hahaha

@beastlyslumber

Yeah it makes sense. It sounds like you already made the decision you don't want to maintain the friendship, but you're looking for justification/support for that decision? Or reassurance that it's okay because she's horrible/annoying etc. But really, it's your decision. She could be the loveliest person in the world and you are still 100% entitled to say you don't want to be friends with her.

I don't think you're being horrible. I do think you are unreasonable to take her comments about being busy as insults about your lack of busy-ness, or to blame her in any way for your decision to end the friendship. I think the pp who said you're being childish are talking about these aspects of your post, rather than your decision to not continue the friendship.

I would just stop being in contact, be friendly if you're in a room together, and when her name comes up in conversation, just change the subject or say something non-commital, like, "no we haven't been in touch, we've drifted apart. How are you, what have you been up to lately?"

Thank you

Could you say something like aren't we all ? I hate peopel that go on a on about how busy they are
Somehow they have enough time to bore everyone to death with how busy they are
Listing off jobs to do and what time they got up etc
Fuck off !!! Bore someone else

I've said this to friends before when feeling awkward about not being in touch to a whole. Truthfully I wasn't really that busy, I just didn't have anything interesting to say

To a whole = for a while.

Not read whole thread so don’t know if this has been said. But I’ve a friend who does the opposite, who messages me to say ‘I’m missing you when can we talk’.

I’m not neglecting her but I am busy and I only ever talk on the phone to my family these days. So I end up messaging apologising for being busy so I could sound like your friend.

But I’ve got to say it came to a head when she sent me a message making me feel guilty again. I realise that the friendship has kinda run its course. Maybe this is what’s happened with your friendship? So I can understand you ignoring her, sometimes this action is not about being horrible but a bit of self preservation.

She sounds v annoying

Can’t see the friendship recovering

Ghosting is petty and an overreaction

Just reply occasionally several days after her text something like “yep all good, you?”

I had a friend like this. Constantly banging on about how busy she was, constantly talking about how busy her kids were, how busy her kids friends were, how busy the cat was, how busy the mouse was who was chased by the cat was (you get the idea). It was a running joke betwen me and DH about how many busy things would be mentioned. I just started playing her at her own game and invented the busiest life ever. Almost, but not quite, as unbelievably busy as hers.

I get 'let's go to Manchester I'll take you out for lunch we can go shopping' or 'let's go back to the pub quiz on Friday' reply and say sounds great, let's do it and then never hear anything for 3 months when she gets back in touch to say sorry she has been v busy. It's sort of future faking from a friend! Sorry to derail thread just wanted to explain it's complicated.

I have a friend like this. I totally sympathize. It is all about them feeling they are in control of the narrative of the friendship, as people have said. My friend can't make a simple arrangement and stick to it. The other day she invited herself along to something I was doing with my daughter , she may be able to meet me in town, afterwards, she said, only I knew it wouldn't happen, it was her way of keeping me dangling on a string. Sure enough I get the text that she was doing an egg hunt instead. But I hadn't invited her anyway! I just have to go through the whole tedious process with her , knowing she is hedging her bets. I want to get honest with her but don't want the drama. So I never initiate contact either. Unless you have experienced these silly games it's hard to understand. And they really do want to feel that you are sitting at home waiting for them, insane as that seems.

Tedturtle poor you... must be some sort of weird ego thing then? That they like to feel like the powerful one around people who aren't as powerful seemingly to them in the friendship as they are rhe ones calling the shots?! Honestly it gives me a headache thinking about!!

Thinking about it

What's the problem? Your annoying friend is displaying the behaviour that you used to justify the ghosting. You can hardly blame her for continuing to reply occasionally, as she hasn't yet realised you've ghosted her. If it really bothers you to see her messages until the ghosting sinks in, block her. If you feel that ghosting isn't sufficient punishment for her sins, punish her in some more direct way.

I've had 'friends' like this.. the generally turn out to be flakey and all about them. Trust your instincts and walk away. They are not your friends and when the shit hits the fan would you call this person? Could you rely them?
If the answer is no walk away, literally not worth your time. Be civil be nice nothing else needed

I say this, and it's not that I'm too busy it's that I need lots of downtime and my head can be all over the place. I say ‘I'm too busy’ because I don’t want to say ‘I need lots of downtime and my head can be all over the place’ because that just sounds silly and made up and I doubt the person would find that a proper excuse. It sounds sort of self-centred to me so I say I'm busy. I say this to one friend all the time. I don’t pick up the phone to my friend because I'm just not in the mood to speak to them so get on with other things – then I can say I've been busy.

It's perfectly fine to not want to speak to people, but to say ‘sorry I haven't wanted to speak to you enough to call you’ sounds awful but it's the truth.

@mrziggycoco

I say this, and it's not that I'm too busy it's that I need lots of downtime and my head can be all over the place. I say ‘I'm too busy’ because I don’t want to say ‘I need lots of downtime and my head can be all over the place’ because that just sounds silly and made up and I doubt the person would find that a proper excuse. It sounds sort of self-centred to me so I say I'm busy. I say this to one friend all the time. I don’t pick up the phone to my friend because I'm just not in the mood to speak to them so get on with other things – then I can say I've been busy.

It's perfectly fine to not want to speak to people, but to say ‘sorry I haven't wanted to speak to you enough to call you’ sounds awful but it's the truth.

Then just don’t say anything and let the friendship drop?