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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend is very annoying

243 replies

lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:15

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 18/04/2022 15:49

@TeaStory

If she’s anything like me, she’s overwhelmed getting through day to day stuff and is worried you are angry about the lack of contact so is going overboard to explain herself.
Yes! I'm like this. Even when somebody hasn't bothered to message me either, I feel guilty that I haven't made an effort so try to over-explain myself.
ReadyToMoveIt · 18/04/2022 15:50

Yeah I get it OP. I have a friend like this… she kept telling me how busy she was, with the overriding message being ‘I’m so busy seeing everyone else I haven’t got time to see you’.
I told her how much it pissed me off. We didn’t talk for a while. After about 6 months she text me saying she’d been thinking about it and realised she’d been a massive dick. We’re friends again now Grin

VanLife · 18/04/2022 15:51

Do you ever text her first ? Like pp said .. goes both ways

Hertsgirl10 · 18/04/2022 15:52

You sound quite insecure about this for some reason?

Doesn’t sound like you even need to worry about this as she’s not around enough to cause any issues.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:55

@TokenGinger

She's being nice. Probably trying to take the blame for no contact because she doesn't want to call you out on being shit at not contacting her. She's just taking the blame to reinstate conversation without awkwardness. That isn't her saying that you're not busy.

This is so weird. I can't believe someone would take offence at somebody saying they're busy, as if it suggests your life isn't.

I didn’t think of this at all.
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:56

@ReadyToMoveIt

Yeah I get it OP. I have a friend like this… she kept telling me how busy she was, with the overriding message being ‘I’m so busy seeing everyone else I haven’t got time to see you’. I told her how much it pissed me off. We didn’t talk for a while. After about 6 months she text me saying she’d been thinking about it and realised she’d been a massive dick. We’re friends again now Grin
Maybe I need to be a bit more direct rather than, just hiding and secretly seething LOL
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:57

@VanLife

Do you ever text her first ? Like pp said .. goes both ways
No I don’t message first mostly because I always assume she’s just too busy to talk to me (I actually laughed to myself when I realised that’s why I don’t message her)

I feel I’ve been a bit hasty and mean so oh dear ahahah whoops

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:00

@TokenGinger

She's being nice. Probably trying to take the blame for no contact because she doesn't want to call you out on being shit at not contacting her. She's just taking the blame to reinstate conversation without awkwardness. That isn't her saying that you're not busy.

This is so weird. I can't believe someone would take offence at somebody saying they're busy, as if it suggests your life isn't.

Also in response to the “weird” bit Maybe I am weird, fuck it? I don’t particularly like someone popping up on me patting me on tbe head telling me they’re just so so so busy. I mean cool, I’m weird then :/
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 16:03

If she’s anything like me, she’s overwhelmed getting through day to day stuff and is worried you are angry about the lack of contact so is going overboard to explain herself.

This is what I thought too.

She’s not trying to be patronising or unkind. She’s literally doing the opposite and feels guilty for not being in touch so much.

You say why would she think you’re annoyed but if you haven’t bothered messaging her first for a while then I can see why she’d have that idea.

It’s absolutely fine to just not want to be friends with someone anymore.
Usually friendships like this tend to fade away rather than actually fall out with each other.

However I think there’s more to this story.
I think you could be a bit jealous of her life which is why you take so much offence to her messages.
Does she have DCs and you don’t?
Or do she have a ‘higher professional’ job and you don’t?

NotMeekNotObedient · 18/04/2022 16:04

Sorry to say friendship is a two way street!

I've text 2 friends this week who I haven't spoken to in ages and I apologised for not being in touch, said that I'd been really busy lately. I'd like to think that they wouldn't take offence at that. I mean, they haven't text me in the meantime so I would be a bit miffed if they suddenly had the hump because I'd reached out them.

Mol1628 · 18/04/2022 16:05

Just detach from her. Polite messages no information about your life.

You’ll be ‘acting’ at first but soon you’ll realise you don’t really care anymore.

SadButTheTruth · 18/04/2022 16:05

Maybe strip the whole thing back to the bare basics and ask what you have in common and how friendship benefits both of you? If you can’t come up with a good reason to keep going, then it might be time to call it a day? Some friendships do fall away, maybe this is one of them? If you find lots of reasons why you objectively want to stay friends then PPs have given lots of good advice above.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:06

Umm no I have a child, a career and friends and hobbies and things? I’m a bit lost as to how me not wanting someone messaging me telling me
How busy they are means I am jealous of her life? No that’s definitely not it in this instance. But thanks for… yeah, that.

OP posts:
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 18/04/2022 16:07

I think you read too much into the messages. Though that’s the problem with messaging though - it’s an easy thing to do since we don’t see body language, hear tone of voice etc like we would talking in person or even on the phone.

If you were initiating contact and she was ignoring you for stretches of time and then responding in that way, you might have a point. But since she’s the only one initiating contact, she’s actually being polite and you are being quite rude by not ever messaging first and taking offence at her apologising for BOTH of your lack of contact.

namechangeforprivacyxxx · 18/04/2022 16:08

I think yabu. I think this is maybe about your own insecurities rather than what you friend is doing.

As adults people are very busy especially when they start to have kids and careers, it takes a lot of planning and logistics for me and my friends to see each other.

You won't be the only thing going on in her life, at least she is bothering to message you and keep in touch. Do you ever contact her or actually plan things or do you wait for her to suggest what to do and when etc it can get exhausting always being the planner.

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:12

no I don’t message her or ask to meet up or anything
Just sort of, maybe acknowledge when she messages me and leave it at that. I don’t reach out or seek any kind of contact.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2022 16:12

I was on the fence between 'she's annoying' and 'she's trying to keep in touch' - until you posted this.

"I got one message saying - this is true - “I realise I have spoken to so many people and haven’t spoken to you!!! Feel so guilty”"

That is such a snide little dig right there, very much in line with "for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty". It doesn't matter how low someone is in your priorities - YOU DON'T SPELL IT OUT TO THEM AS SHE HAS IN THAT MESSAGE! The 'feel so guilty' - she might as well replace it with 'I see you as a charity case'.

I would go with whitewashing's ‘oh! Gosh, I’ve been so busy, I didn’t even notice!’ It's at the same level of passive-aggressive as her missive. Or, you could ramp it up a notch with something like 'You're so busy and short of time, maybe not contacting me at all would make it easier. It won't save you much time, but every little helps. xx'

FangsForTheMemory · 18/04/2022 16:12

YANBU. I stopped seeing a friend because she told me she was booked up at the weekend for the next six months ‘except two weekends that I want to keep free for myself’. I can’t really say I ghosted her because she was so self-absorbed she didn’t realise I hadn’t been in touch. If your friend doesn’t make you feel happy, it’s time to drop her.

oneform · 18/04/2022 16:12

Grow up

Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:14

@WhereYouLeftIt

I was on the fence between 'she's annoying' and 'she's trying to keep in touch' - until you posted this.

"I got one message saying - this is true - “I realise I have spoken to so many people and haven’t spoken to you!!! Feel so guilty”"

That is such a snide little dig right there, very much in line with "for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty". It doesn't matter how low someone is in your priorities - YOU DON'T SPELL IT OUT TO THEM AS SHE HAS IN THAT MESSAGE! The 'feel so guilty' - she might as well replace it with 'I see you as a charity case'.

I would go with whitewashing's ‘oh! Gosh, I’ve been so busy, I didn’t even notice!’ It's at the same level of passive-aggressive as her missive. Or, you could ramp it up a notch with something like 'You're so busy and short of time, maybe not contacting me at all would make it easier. It won't save you much time, but every little helps. xx'

That was when I completely disengaged and just stopped reaching out or even replying very much
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 18/04/2022 16:14

@oneform

Grow up
Ok I will. Can’t wait!!
OP posts:
butterpuffed · 18/04/2022 16:16

Think of it from your friend's point of view. She's always the one to get in touch after a gap and must wonder why it's always her who does so.

It sounds like she's keen to keep your friendship going and probably uses 'busy' as she's not sure what to say .

RealBecca · 18/04/2022 16:16

Do you have many friends? You seem hyper invested in the inferences you're drawing in this one friendship rather than just messaging back and asking when shes free. Given she has so much going on and you never instigate the chat I'm surprised shes bothered so much.

Abaababa · 18/04/2022 16:17

You hit the nail on the head, OP, when you wrote ‘Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous…’.

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 16:17

I’m a bit lost as to how me not wanting someone messaging me telling me
How busy they are means I am jealous of her life?

I’m a bit lost as to how someone apologising for not messaging because they’re busy is offensive or annoying to you.

If you don’t want her messaging you either tell or or block her number.