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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To quit my job and become a housewife

249 replies

HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 09:56

AIBU to resign from my job and become a housewife? I am miserable at work (have another thread about it) to the point where I’m probably going to resign as it’s making me ill. My husband says I should resign as he’s seeing how miserable I am and says he’s happy to be the breadwinner. We can afford to do this. At the moment we don’t spend all our money and a large chunk goes in savings each month. The thought of being a housewife and having the time to have a clean house, cook decent meals each day and that sort of thing is seeming so appealing. But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work, as the feminist in me is saying women should have their own income. And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband. Anyone else done this? It feels lazy as I don’t have kids. Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

OP posts:

Winkydink · 18/04/2022 09:58

Do you plan to have children (or likely to have other caring responsibilities eg ageing parents)?

Chely · 18/04/2022 10:00

If you can afford it... enjoy a break.

southlondonerhere · 18/04/2022 10:00

How old are you? What kind of work do you do? Could you possibly retrain instead if it's the job in general that you don't like? Or is it just the company and you could move to a different company?

Original poster

HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 10:01

@winkydink I’m 42 so I think that ship has sailed! It just never really happened for us. Might have caring responsibilities in the future I suppose as parents in 70s

OP posts:

CheshireCats · 18/04/2022 10:01

Don't do it.
If you were to split up in the future, you will have lost your career and financial independence. Not to mention pension contributions.

Fireflygal · 18/04/2022 10:01

How old are you? What is your pension provision like? If you're closer to retirement then I think less concern but I wouldn't give up work if younger. Can you not apply for jobs now?

Being dependant changes the dynamics in a relationship and can make the breadwinner spouse feel resentful.

MadameHeisenberg · 18/04/2022 10:02

Ywnbu to give up a job that’s making you ill. But becoming a housewife is a whole other kettle of fish. It’s a very precarious position to place yourself in. I can understand it seems appealing right now, when contrasted with your unpleasant work situation, but it’s likely the novelty of cleaning will wear very thin within a couple of weeks.

Take a bit of time to get over your ordeal by all means, but then find another job and get back into the workplace. You never know what the future might hold.

Original poster

HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 10:02

@southlondonerhere

How old are you? What kind of work do you do? Could you possibly retrain instead if it's the job in general that you don't like? Or is it just the company and you could move to a different company?

I’m 42 and a civil servant. I don’t really know what else I’d like to do. I think I need a break to work out what I want.

OP posts:

Fizzgigg · 18/04/2022 10:03

@CheshireCats

Don't do it. If you were to split up in the future, you will have lost your career and financial independence. Not to mention pension contributions.

Or if your DH passed away.

But if you split, and with no dependants to pay for, you'd get nothing in terms of financial support

ilovesooty · 18/04/2022 10:04

Up to you of course but I think I'd be more inclined to look for another job.

SirChenjins · 18/04/2022 10:04

There’s a vast middle ground between being in a job you hate and bring a housewife who’s completely financially dependent on another adult. Can you eg retrain, find another job, change sectors, go part time?

WimpoleHat · 18/04/2022 10:04

I think I need a break to work out what I want.

And you have the opportunity to take it. So do so. There are pros and cons to every situation; if you hate the one you’re in at the moment, take some time to think about what you want to do.

Winkydink · 18/04/2022 10:05

I would probably focus on finding something that you’ll enjoy part time. Work can be fun! What are your interests and hobbies - anything there that you could retrain as? I had a spell as a housewife and don’t “have” to work but I do because I enjoy it (and am respected in my work place because I am very senior and good at my job - I am treated with deference and very differently than by my children or friends who don’t understand what I do. It’s fun to have an alter ego of sorts!).

Original poster

HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 10:05

@CheshireCats

Don't do it. If you were to split up in the future, you will have lost your career and financial independence. Not to mention pension contributions.

This is what worries me. I have 20 years of pension contributions so will have a decent pension pot even if I never work again but not working will mean no income of my own at all until I reach retirement

OP posts:

SirChenjins · 18/04/2022 10:06

If you’re in the civil service do you have the option of a career break, sabbatical, unpaid leave or something along those lines?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 18/04/2022 10:07

Don't underestimate the power imbalance it brings on a couple when one is financially reliant on the other. Also the recognition that comes from paid work. In work you get reviews and successes and a quantifiable worth to your work- all that is gone when you work in the home and it's can be a tough adjustment. My relationship now with dh working and me sahp is a completely different dynamic to when I worked. I found the lack of recognition really difficult. He complements me on a clean house, or if I've done something nice with the kids. Thanks me for my work and dinners etc but he doesn't give me formal reviews on my progress (and not would I want him to) and I found that lack of recognition really hard to manage.

violetbunny · 18/04/2022 10:09

Why does it have to be all or nothing? In your shoes I would try to find another job - any job, even if part time - and work in that while I figured out my longer term career path.

It's always much easier to find a new job when you already have one, plus I would be worried that the longer I was unemployed the harder it would be to get back in. Not to mention wanting to maintain financial independence.

Weewillywinkle · 18/04/2022 10:10

I saw your previous thread. Resign, take a break and some proper time to rest, energise and reflect before making a plan.

Being a housewife forever is quite a dramatic move.

A change of career/job or part time role might be more of a balance.

Original poster

HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 10:11

Thanks for the advice everyone. I do want to work. Just not in a job I hate with awful people! I have decent salary and loads of disposal income but never have the energy or time to enjoy spending it as work is draining the life out of me. It all feels so pointless. I don’t feel I can work out what I want to do whilst still working…I just don’t have the energy. So I think a break might be good, with a view to getting another job in a totally new field. But of course if I don’t get a job I could end up as a housewife…

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 18/04/2022 10:12

Following as I feel the same op

Tumbleweed101 · 18/04/2022 10:13

I'm a single parent and would love to have a break and be a stay at home parent for a whole, just to keep up with the house etc more easily. Obviously for me it isnt an option but can understand the temptation. I think in your situation I would leave my job, have a couple months to rest and recover and then look for something new.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 18/04/2022 10:13

It's not all or nothing though surely.
I'm sure you've gained lots of skills over your working life. You won't get any returns immediately but setting up an etsy shop and producing printables is a method of making passive income. To be successful I think you probably have to have a lot in your store but then they just sit there making money. Think about what you are good at, could you make organizers, planners, calendars, write a course or tutorial on a specific topic etc. Something to keep your brain ticking over and some cash coming in. You can earn £1000 per year without declaring tax.

onlywork55 · 18/04/2022 10:14

If I could afford this then I'd do it in a heartbeat. So I understand the appeal.

As others have said though, it doesn't need to be all or nothing. Why not quit for now (or even better, take a career break if you can - CS usually has good options for this) take a break and consider looking for something else in a few months?

Smudgeis13 · 18/04/2022 10:15

There will be plenty of transfer opportunities. And part time hours would give you a good compromise.

NeedleNoodle3 · 18/04/2022 10:17

If you do it then you need to hang onto your savings.
I’d be mindful that a lot of couples do seem to split up late 40’s possibly because of one partner having a mid life crisis.

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