To quit my job and become a housewife

[HateMyJob12345]

AIBU to resign from my job and become a housewife? I am miserable at work (have another thread about it) to the point where I’m probably going to resign as it’s making me ill. My husband says I should resign as he’s seeing how miserable I am and says he’s happy to be the breadwinner. We can afford to do this. At the moment we don’t spend all our money and a large chunk goes in savings each month. The thought of being a housewife and having the time to have a clean house, cook decent meals each day and that sort of thing is seeming so appealing. But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work, as the feminist in me is saying women should have their own income. And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband. Anyone else done this? It feels lazy as I don’t have kids. Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

At 42 you're not even half way through your working life, leaving your current job doesn't mean you'll never work again!

You're in an enviable position - savings in the bank, supportive DH, no need to find a new job straight away.

So quit, take time to recover, enjoy the break, your hobbies, time with friends and family. Then, when you're ready, think about a new job. Or career, turning an interest into work, retaining or going back to university.

The world is your oyster. So don't put limits on how long you don't work for, or that you 'must' seek an alternative job, and certainly do not use this fantastic gift of time and opportunity to prioritise cleaning the bloody house.

Good luck OP.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

Don't underestimate the power imbalance it brings on a couple when one is financially reliant on the other. Also the recognition that comes from paid work. In work you get reviews and successes and a quantifiable worth to your work- all that is gone when you work in the home and it's can be a tough adjustment. My relationship now with dh working and me sahp is a completely different dynamic to when I worked. I found the lack of recognition really difficult. He complements me on a clean house, or if I've done something nice with the kids. Thanks me for my work and dinners etc but he doesn't give me formal reviews on my progress (and not would I want him to) and I found that lack of recognition really hard to manage.

Same. I just feel totally resentful of all the housework, cleaning, cooking. Nobody gives a shit and I hate myself for how that’s all I seem to do and that no one cares. No one cares they have clean clothes every day or a home cooked meal. It’s just taken for granted. I hate it. Considering getting a job but as a software developer, there are no part time roles in this and I would still want to be able to care for my small children.

Retraining, especially if a degree is involved, can cost tens or even hundreds of thousands of pounds! Taking into account opportunity costs, eg lost earnings and pension.

That’d be a massive, personal financial risk.

Quitting with no job lined up is also v costly and risky. In comparison with the option of taking active steps to improve MH and make a plan before quitting.

I’d definitely take a break & re-evaluate in a year or two. No job is worth your mental health. People are making themselves ill working awful jobs. If you’re in a position financially to stop, then just do it. Enjoy the rest.

Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

Why is there every chance you won't find another job? Even if it's just a stopgap part time job while you think about your long term future?

I agree you are going to find it difficult not having your own income. I hated that aspect of being on maternity leave and really felt quite diminished by being dependent on DH.

I'd recommend having a break but being very clear about how long you're not going to be working, say, six months to a year? Use that time to regain your mojo and start to plan for your future. You could then maybe take a part time job at something you enjoy, while possibly training to do something for your future. It's not the not working that's the problem long term, it's the potential loss of independence.

It wouldn't hurt to have a break to have time to work out what you want, but I think it's risky completely giving up work. What if you split up or your other half lost his job?

[quote lameasahorse]@Chatwin that depends on when she started full-time work. Plenty of people in the past started full-time work at 16.[/quote]
Yes true, I apologise. I made the assumption that as a civil servant she started her career post university. Either way, she won't reach state pension age for another 25 years - so plenty scope to do many things, career-wise!

If you can definitely afford to, why not?
Go for it.
Fuck what anyone else thinks (and there'll always be someone giving you their unwanted opinion )

@UrbanMage

I've just recently given up teaching to do this. Work was massively affecting my MH, my dd's MH and even putting extra pressure on DH. It's early days but I feel so much healthier mind wise. I'm only 37 so can go back into it or have a career change if I get 'bored'.

And there won't be a power unbalance with me and DH, because hes not that type of person.

The power balance isn’t necessarily a personality thing it’s a security thing. The person with the job has the power to leave (if they want) or do a number of things (like get a loan, get a mortgage, whatever whatever). The person with no income just has to hope the status quo (relationship, working partner’s health or job security etc) never changes for the worse. Bottom line is the one not getting an official income is the more vulnerable whatever way you look at it.

I've done it and I'm a bit bored to be honest. I can't work where I am right now because of visa issues anyway. It's ok but some days are more boring than others - then again I don't have any family or friends around to stem the boredom so I'm mainly kicking around the house on my own.

OP, I would strike the balance and get a new part time job. My cousin did it in her early 50's and is really enjoying life now, she works Tues, Weds, Thurs so always has a long weekend. (no DC)

If you're civil service you can always move to another role though? Relatively easy to do depending on what grade you are? Civil service is flexible with an amazing pension so I wouldn't give that up without thinking seriously about it.

If the people you work with are awful then agree you should move, but I'd be wary of giving up financial independence. What about applying for a career break? That way you can go back in at the same grade and you'd be given a role elsewhere (as I assume the current team wouldn't keep it open for yuu?)

Have a break and time to regroup,spend your time pottering,cooking,time in the garden or whatever you enjoy.Look at volunteering and meeting new people.You will fine something you would enjoy and earn money in the future.Good luck.

Do you need to quit completely or could you go part time instead? That might give you the time & freedom you need but still give you some security.
I think the things you need to work out are, if you did quit, and your DH died, could you cope? What about if he left you? What about if he had some sort of life changing accident or illness and could no longer work?

Find another job first, then leave.
Being a housewife might be great in the short term, but what if you and your husband split or he died?

* But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work,*

You sound unpleasant

Sounds boring

If you are 42 & in UK, you need 35 years of National Insurance contributions to receive a full state pension.
How many do you have already ?
Check on the Government gateway via www.gov.uk

Your state retirement age is possibly 68, so you have possibly 26 more years to work.

Why don't you look for a job that you will enjoy ?
Why don't you start some new hobbies ?

Why should your DH support you ?

It would be better to work now while you are young, than still be working in your 60s surely ?

I took a seven month break after burning out last year.

I then decided to work part time alongside retraining to set up my own consultancy in a specialism where I have lots of experience but no formal qualifications.

It's the best of both worlds. We could live off my husband's wage, but instead we have substantially the same income, I contribute a bit more to the household, and we both live a charmed lifestyle whilst I now have a sustainable plan to avoid the pitfalls of paid employment.

I was signed off work by my gp a while ago, I had major stress and anxiety which I felt stemmed from my stressful job. I took almost 2 months off and had told myself I wasn't going back, ever and began looking for other, less stressful jobs. I loved being at home, pottering about and felt free and lighter if that makes sense. However I did then return to my work after my time off and was able to cope much better and love work again. Do you think some time away might help you deal with your work and you might have a different perspective on returning?
If you think that your job really isn't for you then definitely look for something else, good luck

@MadameHeisenberg

Ywnbu to give up a job that’s making you ill. But becoming a housewife is a whole other kettle of fish. It’s a very precarious position to place yourself in. I can understand it seems appealing right now, when contrasted with your unpleasant work situation, but it’s likely the novelty of cleaning will wear very thin within a couple of weeks.

Take a bit of time to get over your ordeal by all means, but then find another job and get back into the workplace. You never know what the future might hold.

This is excellent advice.