To quit my job and become a housewife

[HateMyJob12345]

AIBU to resign from my job and become a housewife? I am miserable at work (have another thread about it) to the point where I’m probably going to resign as it’s making me ill. My husband says I should resign as he’s seeing how miserable I am and says he’s happy to be the breadwinner. We can afford to do this. At the moment we don’t spend all our money and a large chunk goes in savings each month. The thought of being a housewife and having the time to have a clean house, cook decent meals each day and that sort of thing is seeming so appealing. But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work, as the feminist in me is saying women should have their own income. And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband. Anyone else done this? It feels lazy as I don’t have kids. Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov I think that’s probably personal for you. There’s no power inbalance in our relationship and I don’t expect (or really want) reviews on the house.

OP I would do it. No amount of money or job is worth being unhappy for. Life is too short.

I've just recently given up teaching to do this. Work was massively affecting my MH, my dd's MH and even putting extra pressure on DH. It's early days but I feel so much healthier mind wise. I'm only 37 so can go back into it or have a career change if I get 'bored'.

And there won't be a power unbalance with me and DH, because hes not that type of person.

You can do both though.

Decide to be a housewife just for now, recover from that awful job and decide what you will want to do.
It might be that being a housewife doesn’t suit you. That you found some interest into something else etc…

My only advice to do it with intent, not just get pushed ‘by life events’ into being a housewife/working/whatever.

I have a friend in exactly the same position and my heart goes out to her.

One thing to consider is company, it's ideal to have time to yourself to get things done, but it won't take all day. Do you have a network of friends/family you could build up on, also maybe a hobby/something exercise wise you'd like to take up, so good to see others or get yourself out.

If you can afford it and your DH is happy, then you haven't got anything to lose. If being at home all day doesn't work, you can find a job that works around the family (I have two jobs that I took for this reason and happily still do them even family left home).

You're both on board so quit.

Take some time to heal, start your break with a holiday together and figure out what you want to do next.

Volunteer or get a lower stress part time job.

@Shinyandnew1

Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one

What, ever?! That seems very defeatist!

Good point! I think my confidence and self-esteem has got to the point where I’m thinking I won’t ever get another job, but your comment has made me realise that’s a ridiculous way to look at it, I think in the current jobs market 12 months will be plenty of time for me to get a job!

Doing that would likely worsen OP’s personal earning power and pension. Not a minor decision. She has 25 years or so before pension age.

Far easier to get another job when already in work.

@Touty

I felt like you OP, I left a proffessional well paid but deathly boring job, I used to drink too much to cope with it.

So do I with the drinking alcohol! I drink caffeine all day to get through all the pointless meetings and soul destroying work and then as soon as Friday night comes round I’m desperate for a glass / bottle of wine to decompress from the week

Take a break from this job and maybe retrain ?
Find a new job that’s less stressful.

Id advise not to be a housewife as potential to change the dynamic of your relationship and change the power balance.

Never good for a woman to be 100% dependant on a man.
All is ok now but things can change.

I'm older than you (54) and have just quit a job I hated. I'm single, have savings and am taking a 6 month sabbatical to work out what I want to do and also do some stuff I've not got round to. I've just finished my first week of not being formally employed and it feels great. I can't see myself not working at all though - and being dependent on someone else for an income is risky. If I were you I'd resign, take a fixed term sabbatical to recover your mojo and then start over, maybe even retrain.

Go for a 2 year career break.

I would leave as the job is affecting your health. Take a break, but after that, start looking for something maybe lower stress. Som good suggestions on this thread.
At 42, you have years ahead.

I don't think it's unreasonable to quit that job without one to go, and I've done that myself when I was miserable, to but I myself wouldn't plan to quit an just be a housewife with or without kids but less so without kids. I personally feel the need to contribute and have my own career if ever we were not together I wouldn't want to be solely dependant on someone. That's me, you do you, but I say quit the job I just think it should be with intent to find something more suitable just for your own stability, future and routine etc...

@ifonly4

I have a friend in exactly the same position and my heart goes out to her.

One thing to consider is company, it's ideal to have time to yourself to get things done, but it won't take all day. Do you have a network of friends/family you could build up on, also maybe a hobby/something exercise wise you'd like to take up, so good to see others or get yourself out.

If you can afford it and your DH is happy, then you haven't got anything to lose. If being at home all day doesn't work, you can find a job that works around the family (I have two jobs that I took for this reason and happily still do them even family left home).

I have loads of hobbies and interests, they’re all cheap hobbies too, so I know if I quit I will have loads of stuff to keep me busy both at home and with others

Yes, leave if you can and as with bullying, if you don’t leave on time you can carry the trauma with you.

What I would say is leave but start looking for a job while you are enjoying your break. House making is not for everyone, I found it more soul destroying and lonely than having a bad job.

It seems very sensible to take advantage of the fortunate financial position you're in to take a break, take stock and recharge, especially as your partner is supportive.

Not quite the same , but when my DH was made redundant from a job he wasn't happy in it was a turning point for him. He took up new healthy habits. I was only working very part time, and as the months rolled on we did begin to worry about our finances. When he did get another (slightly less well paid job) he enjoyed it and has a new, also healthy hobby as a result of this new job.

Great advice everyone. I think I need to leave, and look for a part time low stress job so I still have an income coming in and then I can think about what I want to do long term. I know I could explore taking a sabbatical, but civil servants aren’t allowed to take up other employment whilst on sabbatical and also knowing I have something to go back to would prevent my brain from actively pursuing a new career. I agree with everyone saying I shouldn’t just be a house wife forever. I think I was just thinking that as my confidence is so low I’m be been thinking I’ll never work again!

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

Don't underestimate the power imbalance it brings on a couple when one is financially reliant on the other. Also the recognition that comes from paid work. In work you get reviews and successes and a quantifiable worth to your work- all that is gone when you work in the home and it's can be a tough adjustment. My relationship now with dh working and me sahp is a completely different dynamic to when I worked. I found the lack of recognition really difficult. He complements me on a clean house, or if I've done something nice with the kids. Thanks me for my work and dinners etc but he doesn't give me formal reviews on my progress (and not would I want him to) and I found that lack of recognition really hard to manage.

I couldn't agree with this any more.
My dd is 10 now and although l worked part time since she was born, l always feel like the dynamics are totally different to when l worked full time. I know l do more than my fair share of housework but l know he definitely feels like he has the harder end of the deal because he works full time plus Saturdays (his choice to do weekends, no pressure from me).
But my hours have recently increased so it is all starting to balance back out now and sometimes l even get home to a cooked meal.
It is so lovely at work because my boss is always appreciate g the little things l do to make her life easier but at home? Nah !
But l wouldn't not work at all OP....whereas the resentment isn't there yet, it could come creeping in.

In your shoes OP I would hand my notice in.
I only work because I have no choice. I would absolutely love to be a housewife

Good luck

How does DH feel about having all the finical responsibility dumped on him.

Also looking further ahead he will have on chance of finishing work early when he gets to his 60's if you do this .

Have a break, figure out what you want to do next, and get back into work before your savings run out?

At your age then no I wouldn’t.

If you need to find work in a few years time you will really struggle to do so and most of the jobs you will find will be low paid and hard work.

I would try everything you can before you take that drastic step.

You say you’re financially well off which is great because you can look for a job you truly enjoy even if the pay is rubbish or if it’s not FT.

Look on indeed and see what types of jobs there are.
Think about what you dislike about this job and how you can prevent that in another job.

@SirChenjins

I’m worried if I get signed off with stress then will that impact me getting another job in future? I’m concerned about my sick record

That really wouldn’t happen. It sounds like you’ve already decided that the only solution is to give up work and are not really interested in looking at alternatives.

I agree.

This is 2022. Being signed off work for a while because of stress/depression is totally common and accepted and doesn't go against you in most jobs, not at all. Legally they could be in big trouble if they even alluded to it.

I'm finding it really hard to understand why you're so black and white thinking about this. Take a few weeks off sick leave. Make a plan. The civil service itself is a vast workforce there could be many many roles/areas in there that would suit you better.

But I feel you are married to the idea of becoming a housewife and don't seem interested in taking the time to properly think all this through.

I absolutely LOVE being a housewife . Even though I have a medical qualification degree i havn't worked since I was 30 and our ( disabled ) daughter was born. I think it's really rewarding being a homemaker but it depends what sort of person you are . If you are ambitious and driven then I doubt you would enjoy it . What floats your boat?

Can you stick in a flexible working request as a first step? Request to drop to say four days? Or even start with three and be negotiated up.
A shot job is more bearable over fewer days!

That need only be a temporary step. Free up some time for searching for a better job. University administration would have a lot of the same skills if you are in a university area.

The reason I'd try this option first is because it gives you a better negotiating position. Others are in effect trying to poach you and are more likely to match your terms and conditions than if they see you 'need' a job

Plus asking your current employer from a position where you are prepared to walk away also gives you an added advantage