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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quit my job and become a housewife

249 replies

HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 09:56

AIBU to resign from my job and become a housewife? I am miserable at work (have another thread about it) to the point where I’m probably going to resign as it’s making me ill. My husband says I should resign as he’s seeing how miserable I am and says he’s happy to be the breadwinner. We can afford to do this. At the moment we don’t spend all our money and a large chunk goes in savings each month. The thought of being a housewife and having the time to have a clean house, cook decent meals each day and that sort of thing is seeming so appealing. But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work, as the feminist in me is saying women should have their own income. And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband. Anyone else done this? It feels lazy as I don’t have kids. Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

OP posts:
Original poster
HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 10:17

@SirChenjins

If you’re in the civil service do you have the option of a career break, sabbatical, unpaid leave or something along those lines?
Perhaps but I’m so miserable I think I need to quit now and don’t feel I have time to explore those options
OP posts:
anothermansmother · 18/04/2022 10:18

Could you take a sabbatical year? It would give you a taste of what it would be like, the reality of it may be very different to the thought of it.
At least that way you'll have a job to go back to.

SirChenjins · 18/04/2022 10:19

Can you get signed off with stress or depression and then explore these options while you’re off?

Giving up work when there are alternatives (as listed on here) is a major step that leaves you incredibly vulnerable.

Cocomarine · 18/04/2022 10:19

I don’t think that having more time to clean is a great aspiration. How much mess do two working adults even make?!

If I had the opportunity to be supported by my savings or a partner, I’d want to make a hell of a lot out of that opportunity than just bloody cleaning!

And yes, I know it’s not the only thing you mentioned… but it’s notable that you did.

Imagine posting, “I’ve got a one year paid sabbatical from work, no restrictions on other work, don’t want to travel the whole time due to husband, what shall I do?”

Would anyone answer, “ooooh - you could do more cleaning?” Would they fuck.

Think of it as a year off to do all the things you want to do. Try a different role part time? Volunteer? Visit new places? Take a course? Train for an event?

Don’t waste it cleaning Wink

hangrylady · 18/04/2022 10:20

Why don't you have a break and work out what you want to do? You could maybe look at part time options. I honestly think giving up work completely puts you in a very precarious position and if you need to work in the future it will be difficult if you don't have any paid work on your CV for several years, especially if you don't have children.

axolotlfloof · 18/04/2022 10:20

I think having a break to find out what you want is sensible.
I think after a while you won't find your days very fulfilling but then you can find something else.
Have you considered both taking a break, and going travelling together?

BobbyeinArkansas · 18/04/2022 10:20

Given you have 12-18 months of savings, I’d think about training to do something else that you might enjoy in that time.

However if you were to become a SAHW, at a minimum I’d hope you have a joint bank account and that you have full access to it and don’t have an “allowance”. And that your husband would be completely onboard with that. Otherwise you may end up resenting each other/damaging your relationship.

Original poster
HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 10:21

@SirChenjins

Can you get signed off with stress or depression and then explore these options while you’re off?

Giving up work when there are alternatives (as listed on here) is a major step that leaves you incredibly vulnerable.

I’m worried if I get signed off with stress then will that impact me getting another job in future? I’m concerned about my sick record
OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 18/04/2022 10:21

Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one

What, ever?! That seems very defeatist!

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/04/2022 10:24

I did it for 2 years. Kids were teenagers. I was knackered (working FT). DH happy to pick up the rope on income.

I really enjoyed those 2 years. Garden was gorgeous. House running like a dream. Baking. Cooking. Everybody was happy.

Then I went back to work because I like having extras and wanted to be earning again and I feel insecure if I'm not able to control my own finances.

So for me taking a break and stepping off the work-hamster-mill situation was great. Just what I needed.

naomi81 · 18/04/2022 10:27

From someone who has been in a similar position be very very careful doing this. If you are still paying for half of everything do not take on your husbands home workload as you will never get back to work. Use your free time to find other suitable work.

BellePeppa · 18/04/2022 10:28

I would never advise losing your financial independence to rely on someone else. I did it and it was a very bad mistake. I’m back to earning my own money and what a relief that is. If I had daughters I would always tell them to earn their own money. Have a break to regroup yourself or find a part time job but carry on earning your own money.

SirChenjins · 18/04/2022 10:30

I’m worried if I get signed off with stress then will that impact me getting another job in future? I’m concerned about my sick record

That really wouldn’t happen. It sounds like you’ve already decided that the only solution is to give up work and are not really interested in looking at alternatives.

MrsAliceRichards · 18/04/2022 10:32

OP, is it something in particular about your current role you don't like? Is it the work itself, team, your manager? I ask as I was in a similar position a couple of years ago and it was my manger that was the problem. She has thankfully retired and I really enjoy my job again as my new manager is so much easier to work with, doesn't micromanage etc. I would have serious concerns about anyone giving up their financial independence and with a civil service role I would seriously think about a career break to take a step away and think about what you really want to do. It leaves the door open if you need it and is a safety net but the time away would allow you to think.

converseandjeans · 18/04/2022 10:32

You need a certain amount of years contributions to get full state pension. I think it's 35 years

www.gov.uk/new-state-pension/your-national-insurance-record-and-your-state-pension

Can't you ask to go part time? I think even two days extra would mean a day for doing jobs about the house & food shop & cleaning & another day to do something nice would make a big difference to your wellbeing.

I've recently gone up to FT after a few years PT & am finding it hard to find time to do anything fun or relaxing.

TheKeatingFive · 18/04/2022 10:34

Why wouldn't you find another job OP? That's an odd assertion to make.

I think it's a good idea to take some time off to consider what you want, but not to sign up as Mrs mop forever

converseandjeans · 18/04/2022 10:39

SirChenjins

I don't know but wouldn't OP have to declare being off work with stress? I know employees aren't supposed to discriminate but it might put some off employing OP.

Plus it's more honest to just make a decision rather than expecting the employer to continue to pay a salary to someone who doesn't intend to return. Presumably it's tax payer money too if it's a government job?

saoirse31 · 18/04/2022 10:39

Surely u can transfer within civil service? Speak to welfare officer, union etc. Consider going part time

Dreambigger · 18/04/2022 10:45

Yes agree with all...go part time or take career break or move. Don't lightly leave the civil service as bad as it is..I know what is like to be in an awful job but u can't lightly give up that pension and benefits. Need a rethink

Forgetaboutme · 18/04/2022 10:45

Quit your job and get another. You dont need to rush from the sounds of things so just go for it and enjoy a break while you find another job.

If I could afford to I would. I am sitting dreading work tomorrow but we couldn't afford to be a one income family unfortunately. I am also a civil servant. I would love to quit and work in a local garden shop or something similar but we are just scraping by as it is without a paycut.

SirChenjins · 18/04/2022 10:49

@converseandjeans

SirChenjins

I don't know but wouldn't OP have to declare being off work with stress? I know employees aren't supposed to discriminate but it might put some off employing OP.

Plus it's more honest to just make a decision rather than expecting the employer to continue to pay a salary to someone who doesn't intend to return. Presumably it's tax payer money too if it's a government job?

She would only have to declare it to her employer - to claim that it would affect her sick record and prevent her getting another job is a big leap. What she’s describing is stress, so if she uses that time to take a breath, look after her MH and decide whether she feels able to return or to return to eg p/t hours then no, it’s not dishonest. I would far rather that one of my team did that than just left - it would give me a chance to address their concerns and look for alternative ways of working (if I could), rather than losing a valued member of staff Id then have to try and recruit a replacement to (which requires all sorts of paperwork to be completed).
SirChenjins · 18/04/2022 10:51

However I did say that was only one option - I have provided others in pp.

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 10:52

Quitting your job now because you’re unhappy may well NOT help your mental health.

Have you sought MH support, eg counselling? Paying privately for this would be a lot less costly than quitting.

Civil service seems a huge employer with lots of jobs available and a good pension. Wouldn’t quit that without a firm plan and job prospects.

I wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on DH.

LondonQueen · 18/04/2022 10:52

Quit and enjoy the break for a few weeks, but look for another job, maybe a part time one that's less stressful. If you were to split and you were unemployed, you would be stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Touty · 18/04/2022 10:53

I felt like you OP, I left a proffessional well paid but deathly boring job, I used to drink too much to cope with it.

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