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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quit my job and become a housewife

249 replies

HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 09:56

AIBU to resign from my job and become a housewife? I am miserable at work (have another thread about it) to the point where I’m probably going to resign as it’s making me ill. My husband says I should resign as he’s seeing how miserable I am and says he’s happy to be the breadwinner. We can afford to do this. At the moment we don’t spend all our money and a large chunk goes in savings each month. The thought of being a housewife and having the time to have a clean house, cook decent meals each day and that sort of thing is seeming so appealing. But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work, as the feminist in me is saying women should have their own income. And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband. Anyone else done this? It feels lazy as I don’t have kids. Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/04/2022 15:02

@MadameHeisenberg

Being a housewife is an invaluable role and the payoff is the appreciation of your family. The prospect is the love of your children who then care for you in old age and pass on the values to their children. It's social change at grassroots level. It's a wonderful example and a celebration of innate self-worth.

🤣🤣

What a pile of 💩!

Absolutely. I'm struggling to read that with a straight face.
MadameHeisenberg · 18/04/2022 15:03

@speakout

Many people who work aren’t frazzled or tired either. I work FT in a role I love that gives my life meaning and purpose. It energises me and allows me to be the best mother I can be to my two small boys. I’d be tired and bored SAH, however. We’re all different.

speakout · 18/04/2022 15:11

MadameHeisenberg

I had and still do have lots of meaning and purpose to my life.
Thankfully not centered around a 9-5 job.

foggia · 18/04/2022 15:14

One thing I would say though OP, is to have a bit of a plan here. I'd be a bit worried if 'being a housewife' is all you can think of doing with your time. Nothing wrong with valuing having a nice home and cooking for your husband etc, but you will need other focuses for sure, particularly as you say you don't have children.

DontJumpInTheFountain · 18/04/2022 15:15

If you never return to work you may prevent your husband from being able to take early retirement because you're both reliant on his income. I can see a situation where he's happy to support you financially now because he's happy working, but in 20 years or so when he has no choice but to work and yet you're effectively retired it may cause resentment. Clearly a work environment that is damaging to your health is not sustainable, and you're right to look for alternatives, but maybe there's a middle ground of a different type of work or a change in career as others have suggested.

Geezabreak82 · 18/04/2022 15:15

I'm a similar age and if I was in your position financially I'd definitely quit my job and take some time off at home. It doesn't need to be permanent, but I think it's really difficult to assess where you want your life to go next when your job is sucking the life out of you!

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 18/04/2022 15:17

Why so much one extreme?
I'm a couple of years older than you. My partner and I intend to retire at 55 - 56 ish. Will you be taking early retirement for your husband off the table by giving up work now? As if so that seems pretty unfair on him

loveliesbleeding1 · 18/04/2022 15:20

I gave up work almost 18 months ago and I really love it, I was so stressed out every day,even though I was part time it did infringe on my at home days too.
DH could see how stressed I was and said he was happy for me to be at home.It was his idea.If I do get fed up, I can get back into it.(I’m 44)

Belkell · 18/04/2022 15:25

The prospect is the love of your children who then care for you in old age and pass on the values to their children

Ah yes, just what I want. The deep joy of attempting to run a household, care for kids AND ageing parents, and ensure we earn enough/ budget sufficiently not to go under.

Whoop de fucking do.

StrongerOrWeaker · 18/04/2022 15:33

I d go for something in between ( part time, another more enjoyable job, retrain etc) so I can keep contributing to my pension and remain financially independent

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 18/04/2022 15:36

Best thing I ever did OP. I am 50 and would highly recommend it! My dh is not in the least bothered about me not working and puts no restrictions on me whtsoever,The money he says is ours and he never questions anything I do and I am 10 months into being just a housewife and I could not be happier, i love my time my freedom and my sanity! I have gained so much since quitting work,I am genuinely very happy,

Original poster
HateMyJob12345 · 18/04/2022 15:36

@SecretSpAD

My husband walked out of his civil service job last Thursday. He was working i a particularly toxic ministry with a particularly toxic, bullying minister. He is an extremely experienced civil servant that has worked across five govt departments, for hundreds of ministers, reaching a high level in the profession. He is an expert in the field in which he was working before he quit with legal qualifications in that area. He went straight into the civil service at 22 for Uni so has 30 years experience. He is well loved, respected and knowledgable.

By the time he quit he was doubting every single decision he had made and every bit of advice he'd given. He didn't know who to trust in his department and found that the minister was actively briefing against him. He was so stressed his entire personality changed - he was snappy, argumentative at home. He couldn't sleep, was drinking too much and staying in London at the weekends instead of coming to us in Cornwall.

He quit after a particularly bad day where he was shouted at during a meeting by the minister, who called him useless and a dinosaur. He walked out of the meeting, cleared his desk and caught the next train home. He emailed his resignation first thing Saturday morning and it was accepted with immediate effect.

So many civil servants are being bullied now, criticised and treated like cheap scapegoats. I don't blame you @HateMyJob12345 for wanting to walk out. If you can afford it, do it. Take time out and decide what your future will look like.

So interesting to hear this and sorry he is going through this. It seems the civil service just isn’t what it used to be. It all seems to have changed in the past few years.
OP posts:
DorritLittle · 18/04/2022 16:20

I've just had a secret guess which department that is, with a few others on the shortlist. @SecretSpAD.

It's just terrible that he felt the need to quit because of treatment like that.

Ilady · 18/04/2022 16:27

A number of years ago one of my friends was in your position re a job. My friend was physically and mentally exhausted due to a high work load and a horrible supervisor. She knew she needed a break and a bit of time to decide what to do next. So she went to her doctor and got a sick note due to stress.
She began to sleep better, eat well and met up with friends. After a few weeks she looked around and got a better job with more money. She is not currently working at the moment due to a few reasons but does volunteer work. She is currently looking for a nice part time job but is paying towards her ni to ensure her pension.

Another lady I know was in a particular job in the public service. Like you she was not overly happy in it but was trying to work towards a plan of changing jobs within a few years. She then heard via a friend about a year long contact elsewhere which she applied for and got. She went to her job and asked for a years career break so if the new job did not work out she had a job to come back to. She never went back to her previous employer and her current job suits her and her family far better.

In your situation I would take a career break and have a few weeks break. I would then look for another job even a part time one. Once you get another job you can hand in your notice to current employer.
This will give you a break and some time to get another job.

Another option to you is to look elsewhere in the civil service for a job or a part time role or see if you can move into another department which want your current skills.
If you give up your job fully I think your leaving yourself in a bad position long term as you won't have enough stamps to get the full state pension. Also if anything was to happen to your husband or his job your in a very vulnerable position because as a couple you may no longer have his income.

RussianSpy101 · 18/04/2022 16:35

@drpet49 boring?
Can you honestly not think of anything to do with your time other than working? That’s really sad.

breadedchicken · 18/04/2022 16:39

I think rather than thinking of it as 'becoming a housewife', you just need a break. Why not take 6 months off and enjoy yourself pottering around and doing whatever you like. Even a year off wouldn't look bad on a CV. Everything can be explained away.

tiggergoesbounce · 18/04/2022 16:55

Life is far too short to spend so much time in a job you hate, when you have a choice not to.

Maybe as others have said and take some time out, relax, fill your days with things that make you happy and then once you have done that, see what role takes your fancy for you to step back into.

SecretSpAD · 18/04/2022 17:00

I've just had a secret guess which department that is, with a few others on the shortlist

I can't possibly say but think about the timing Wink

lameasahorse · 18/04/2022 17:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheBigDilemma · 18/04/2022 17:15

So interesting to hear this and sorry he is going through this. It seems the civil service just isn’t what it used to be. It all seems to have changed in the past few years.

Perhaps the civil service has not changed, it is just plagued with corrupted and nasty ministers that do not allow the service to do their work.

I would take a long career break if possible, this corrupt government may not even be in place when you return.

SecretSpAD · 18/04/2022 17:37

@TheBigDilemma it definitely has changed in the 30 since my husband started work there, and from when I was working there as well. There used to be respect from ministers, from the public, from other professions that we all worked alongside. Now there is nothing but bullying and blame.

DorritLittle · 18/04/2022 17:38

@SecretSpAD hmm....Angry

TheBigDilemma · 18/04/2022 17:40

I wonder how often it would take for Britain to realise we are walking into a dictatorship. I guess the belief that these things do not happen in Britain is keeping the blindfold on.

MarriedThreeChildren · 18/04/2022 18:32

@TheBigDilemma I have been convinced about that for about 10 years but BJ has ramped that up massively.
The way BJ has done a big clean up with MP just before the 2019 election was a sign of what to come tbh.

Teachertotutor · 18/04/2022 18:33

This doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation does it? Just because you leave your job doesn't mean you have to be a housewife for the next 30 years. You can clearly afford to leave your job and explore your options, so why don't you take a year off and think about what job to try next? I don't think many people would be satisfied just being a housewife with no kids to look after from the age of 42 onwards, and as some other posters have said, you are putting yourself in quite a vulnerable position financially.