To quit my job and become a housewife

[HateMyJob12345]

AIBU to resign from my job and become a housewife? I am miserable at work (have another thread about it) to the point where I’m probably going to resign as it’s making me ill. My husband says I should resign as he’s seeing how miserable I am and says he’s happy to be the breadwinner. We can afford to do this. At the moment we don’t spend all our money and a large chunk goes in savings each month. The thought of being a housewife and having the time to have a clean house, cook decent meals each day and that sort of thing is seeming so appealing. But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work, as the feminist in me is saying women should have their own income. And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband. Anyone else done this? It feels lazy as I don’t have kids. Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

I walked out of my job in January this year as it was making me ill. I am starting a new job next week as it has taken longer than expected but I can honestly say it has been fantastic and I feel so relaxed. We can't afford to do it long term though and it wouldn't be fair on dh either.

The power asymmetry will probably appear in your relationship.

It might be difficult to return to the marketplace with a gap in your CV. It's easier to get a job when you already have one.

You're aware of the impact on your pension and future prospects.

I quit with no job to go to, husband happy to support me but then about 6 months later found a career I enjoyed for a lot less money but a lot less stress. I'm a SAHP now but will look at returning when child in school. I quit not knowing what I was going to do, just knew I needed out as I was so stressed and it was impacting my marriage as I was taking the stress home. Sort out with him a monthly amount for you and set up a private pension that gets paid into on top.

@MadameHeisenberg

Ywnbu to give up a job that’s making you ill. But becoming a housewife is a whole other kettle of fish. It’s a very precarious position to place yourself in. I can understand it seems appealing right now, when contrasted with your unpleasant work situation, but it’s likely the novelty of cleaning will wear very thin within a couple of weeks.

Take a bit of time to get over your ordeal by all means, but then find another job and get back into the workplace. You never know what the future might hold.

This. ^ It's also a bit to be a housewife when you have no children (IMO.) I do harshly judge women who are 'housewives' when they have no school age children - especially women younger than 45.

I mean at that age you could have worked 25-28 years, but if you DO 'retire' and become a 'housewife' at 42, it's a further 25 years before you can retire, and you can't live on fresh air.

So you WILL depend on your DH, and as many posters have said that is a dreadful idea. Apart from getting bored, you will put yourself in a very precarious position financially, AND despite what your DH says, he will get resentful, supporting you.

@HateMyJob12345

Get another job, part time at least.

It does sound as though you could do with a change and working continuously for years does take its toll. I would be tempted to just quit and have the summer off if you can afford it: if that feels too drastic see if you can book a holiday at short notice to give yourself some recovery time, and apply for a career break.

Sounds like you might be burned out. Or just fed up with putting up with unreasonable people. Resign from that job, take a break and see where it takes you. Its great you can afford it so it makes sense to go for it.

I’d really caution against giving up work entirely.

It might all be fine, but Just a quick skim through the relationship board will give you an idea of potential outcome if life throws a curveball.

DH has just had a life changing diagnosis. Absolutely out of the blue. He hasn’t worked since, and may never be able to. All I could think, once the dust had settled and we knew he was going to be OK in himself, was thank fuck I earn enough to keep us going.

It really all depends on your current financial situation and on how the relationship is. If you can find something for part time, that would be ideal in my opinion.

I'm in a similar position, work is making me miserable.

I'm on the verge of either quitting and doing nothing for a few months then finding a part-time job as I don't think just being a 'housewife' would do it for me full-time and if I was going to do that I would have preferred it to be when DC was pre-school age.

Have you considered doing something 'easy' part-time? The jobs I'm thinking of are hospitality a few shifts a week. (Not saying hospitality is easy btw but I need a job that I don't take home worry from.)

If you're Civil Service, could you take a career break?

Say you're going travelling, doing a uni course or whatever, but give yourself some breathing space to make a decision with the option of going back.

Don't burn your bridges quite yet.

Can you take a career break? Civil service usually has perks like that. Have a break and see how you feel. I left a job after 15 years, had a few months off. Worked part time locally then got another full time a couple of years later. Life is too short to be stressed and miserable.

No job is worth becoming ill for.
Resign, have a break, clean your house, enjoy the summer.
Find a job you like better.
You don't have to be a housewife for ever - retrain, take up painting (insert any interest), work part-time, have enough for your spends, to run your car, pay for holidays, etc.

If your pension or part of it is linked to final salary then defer it rather than transfer it if you earn less moving forward but do start another pension.

It sounds like you're fed up and just need a break. You're in a wonderful, fortunate position. Resign, recuperate, and redirect your time to an occupation that satisfies you and enables you to contribute properly. Cleaning up and making dinner won't be it.

I haven't had time to read all five pages of this thread, but you're 25+ years off retirement and a lot can happen in that time, including divorce and death. I'd never recommend any woman to give up work and rely on a partner for the next 50 years — particularly if that means living on a much-reduced pension and state pension.

Take the summer off, then start looking for a new job in the autumn.

By 'contribute', I mean any valuable contribution, not just paid employment.

I would suggest you resign, and call it a sabbatical until you find out where to go next with all your spare money.

Very few women genuinely get to be "just a housewife" as in no children either, often they'll be looking after a child who has SEN issues or similar. Often times they are housewives becaue they're having to sublimate their own ambitions and abilities to support children/ people who cannot be expected to fit into the normal routine. They have to deal with the inequity of having to rely on someone else's income, or they can't actually afford to go to work/ find work that fits with their other responsibilities.

If you wanted, you could consider helpfulness by volunteering, which is also something which a lot of housewives do.

Meanwhile, the fact that your default is to sneer at housewives, tells me that you have no clue what that means, and that you definitely don't need to do it.

It's not often something you do because you want to put your feet up (Although I know plenty of women think that's the case).

And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband.

Minor point, but if you’re not working but your husband is, then you shouldn’t be dipping into your savings just to live or enjoy the little luxuries of life. Keep those savings intact for a ‘rainy day’ or some bigger purchase.

More generally, there’s no shame at all in being a homemaker. You and your husband are partners and the fact that one in a relationship is the ‘breadwinner’ does not confer any special privileges, seniority or decision-making superiority.

In fact, I’d say that being the breadwinner is the privilege, precisely because society seems (incorrectly) to value that role more that the stay-at-home role. You don’t say if you have kids, but the fact that the ‘breadwinner’ gets to spend more time away from them, in the sanity of adult company, is definitely a privilege.

You're in a nice position then as you have options and aren't stuck in a job you hate in order to survive.
I wouldn't give up work permanently at 42, no. You do need to be able to manage alone if something happens to change things with dh.
However, you have breathing space and options which is lovely.
Quit your job and start thinking hard about what sort of work would make you happier.

Absolutely resign from your job, especially if its making you ill and you can afford it. I have just done the same and already the liberation I feel tells me that it was absolutely the right decision.

I think if you can afford to take some time out then absolutely do it. You might get another job, you may not for a while but even if you only end up having a month or two off, it'll give you time to decompress and remember what brings you happiness. Life is too short to be so miserable from work.

If you resign you would still have your notice period to work. Sorting out a career break wouldn't take much longer.
You wouldn't be totally burning your bridges.

I also think you should get signed off sick for a few months then hand in your notice - use this breathing space to decide on your next move. Maybe volunteer in different sectors, charities, schools etc and make a difference to people.

Then you may find something you’re keen to do.

Don’t wanly away with nothing.

I was in the same position and was about to walk out with no where to go because I was so miserable. As I last resort I turned to my GP who signed me off work with depression. I’ve been off 4 months now and just starting to feel better and have my head more in order. I now know I cannot return but I am so grateful for having the time off whilst I get my head in the right place.
Is that an option for you?

Hi would you feel if you were working and your DH gave up work to stay at home? Then reverse it I wouldn’t like it.

@flopseyR72

Hi would you feel if you were working and your DH gave up work to stay at home? Then reverse it I wouldn’t like it.

Well that’s irrelevant, given OP has already discussed it with her husband.

You’re in a lovely position to be able to quit work and take time to figure out what you would like to do. I’ve found that after a period of rest, you start to feel energised and enthusiastic again for work. Then start looking around for opportunities and as you will be in a good place, you’ll find something that’ll make you excited.
Good luck!