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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not bothering with summer holidays- ungrateful kids?

263 replies

Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:15

We have two Kids ages 12 and 15.
To set the scene Myself and DH had horrible childhoods (poverty, abuse etc) and have worked hard in every way to ensure our kids lives are a world away from our own experiences
We have always made an effort with Summer holidays, mainly holidays in the UK ( hotels since they have been older and things like Centreparcs) also driven abroad, France, Eurodisney etc.
I have a huge fear of flying (flew a lot when I was younger) due to two horrific experiences and I have no interest in ‘getting over’ this.
It’s literally the only thing I’m not prepared to do holiday wise.
Now, I will say at this point, holidays are not something I particularly enjoy, they are not relaxing for me and even the fully catered ones are rather stressful overall.
Anyhow, both boys now want to go abroad but only on a plane.
One wants to go to the USA the other wants to go to skiing (we don’t ski).
I suggested a cruise on one of theuxuryvfamily cruise liners one where you stop off at lots of places but they are both refusing to even consider that. They are refusing a UK holiday or to drive to the continent.
I’m at a loss and seriously fed up.
I’m being made the scapegoat as they are blaming my lack of flying and as time goes on its less and less likely we will be anle to book anything at all.
AIBU not to bother this year?

OP posts:
AllKnowingGerbil · 17/04/2022 21:19

Don't bother if the lovely non-flying holidays aren't going to be appreciated.

drpet49 · 17/04/2022 21:21

YABU- because of you they can’t go on a plane. I’d be fed up of car driving holidays too.

AskingforaBaskin · 17/04/2022 21:24

I don't see where they are ungrateful. They don't want what has been offered but do desire an alternative like many other people.

I would never choose a cruise. You could offer me one for free and I would still say no.

You don't want to fly. They don't have to be happy about it.

How old are they? Are they far off being able to holiday without you?

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 21:25

Leave them at home then OP, they can stay with family or friends. Have a lovely break yourself, its not up to your children where you go on holiday.

Original poster
Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:26

Drpet- I’ve suggested and encouraged them to go with Dad- he doesn’t mind flying, but they say they will only go if I go which actually pisses me off as I don’t enjoy holidays anyway and am not prepared to increase that level of discomfort to terror.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 17/04/2022 21:26

Going on holiday isn't mandatory, stay at home and relax if you want. They can go to the USA or skiing by themselves soon (if they save up the money)

ShirleyPhallus · 17/04/2022 21:26

I’d put them on a plane to somewhere in France and enjoy the drive down on my own, stopping at some gites en route for a few nights of cheese and wine solo. Lovely.

But if they’re being ungrateful then YANBU and no holiday is really needed

duvetdayforeveryone · 17/04/2022 21:26

Send DH and DC on a holiday for a week.

Enjoy the freedom of having the house to yourself Grin

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2022 21:26

As the adult you get to pick where you go, but I would be trying to find something suitable for everyone. I honestly wouldn't want a driving on the continent holiday, but I would be quite happy with a UK holiday or a cruise

Chantinge · 17/04/2022 21:28

I don’t think any of you are being unreasonable.

I can see how having had a bad experience you don’t want to fly, and with your childhood it must seem they are being ungrateful.

However at their age they are exploring, want to try new things, want to fit in with peers, pushing boundaries. Of course these new types of holidays that their friends may be taking seem enticing- I presume that is where skiing has come from!

I’m being biased but yes I’d also hate a cruise holiday…

Could you discuss preferred activities/ themes rather than countries/transport?

Maybe a compromise could be getting ferry to Amsterdam - that might have a bit of ‘cool’ factor and you can drive further into Europe?

Original poster
Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:29

Bigfatliar thank you.
For context, we prioritise our children hugely and have set up trusts so they can buy their own homes, pay for uni and travel the world when they are older, we came from nothing financially so its all been sheer hard graft.
They know this but choose to make me feel truly dreadful that I can’t face flying. Its depressing and makes me a bit angry too.
I didn’t fly til i was 19 but still managed to see the world.

OP posts:
chillidoritto · 17/04/2022 21:30

Have you done one of those courses for people who are afraid of flying? Seems a shame for your kids to miss out!

Quincythequince · 17/04/2022 21:31

@bellac11

Leave them at home then OP, they can stay with family or friends. Have a lovely break yourself, its not up to your children where you go on holiday.
This!
SleepingFrog · 17/04/2022 21:31

Whoever is paying gets to decide the destination! Unless your 12 and 15yr olds are spending their own money on flights, accomodation, food, travel insurance, etc then I'd be of the opinion they go where you choose. I'd definitely book somewhere more for your own benefit than theirs- surely you deserve a holiday if you want one!?

Perhaps you could buy them a mini weekend break away with DH if you were feeling very generous where they get to go on a plane (e.g. a European city with good attractions for teenagers) as their next Christmas present and it would give you a few days child free to relax too.

Heronwatcher · 17/04/2022 21:31

I think that if you’ve offered them to go on a plane holiday without you YANBU. That said I do think it’s a bit sad that you’ll never get to enjoy a glorious long haul holiday as a family just because of your fear of flying- maybe that’s what they mean?

Jinglebin1 · 17/04/2022 21:31

You have different ideas of a holiday thats all. I dont think its any deeper than that. I also dont see how your poverty background is relevant. I grew up the same way, but my kids havent so its not a life they know and has no relevance.

Original poster
Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:32

It wouldn’t bother me if I never went on holiday again. I have everything I need at home (including lots of animals to care for!)
I think we can still have a nice time without flying.

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 17/04/2022 21:32

@Tethersend01

Bigfatliar thank you. For context, we prioritise our children hugely and have set up trusts so they can buy their own homes, pay for uni and travel the world when they are older, we came from nothing financially so its all been sheer hard graft. They know this but choose to make me feel truly dreadful that I can’t face flying. Its depressing and makes me a bit angry too. I didn’t fly til i was 19 but still managed to see the world.
Sorry OP. If your kids know this, and they make you feel like this, they are spoilt little devils!

How embarrassed I hope they feel when they are older!

Goodness.

Ragwort · 17/04/2022 21:34

Children that age are very difficult to take on holiday ... it's not mandatory to have a holiday, just don't spend any more time and energy worrying about it, you've offered plenty of options, if they don't like any then fine ... no family holiday. If I was you I would go off on my own and have a lovely time doing what I wanted. Maybe you have done too much for them ... do they need to know about the Trust Funds?

AliceW89 · 17/04/2022 21:34

Teens and pre-teens aren’t known for their empathy OP. I bet in a fair few years time they’d be mortified to learn how this has upset you re: your phobia. I do agree with PPs though - your idea of a good holiday may not be the same as theirs. You could of course force them to go…If however they aren’t going to enjoy it and you find the whole thing quite stressful, I’d personally park the whole idea.

Fairyliz · 17/04/2022 21:34

Wow when they were that age, I was telling my children where they were going on holiday not asking them what they wanted. They were always happy and grateful to be going away.
Sorry but I wouldn’t take them anywhere.

User48751490 · 17/04/2022 21:34

Give them a wave as you head off on your world cruise OP🤪

Quincythequince · 17/04/2022 21:35

@Tethersend01

It wouldn’t bother me if I never went on holiday again. I have everything I need at home (including lots of animals to care for!) I think we can still have a nice time without flying.
Then say no! No holiday for you.
Chantinge · 17/04/2022 21:36

@Tethersend01

With kindness, it sounds like you have worked very hard to ensure their future, but you also need to make sure you don’t hold that over their heads.
They are allowed to have their own wants and desires, and express those.

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 21:37

I think your mistake has been prioritising them 'hugely' as you say, they are growing into entitled and unpleasant boys if they think that they can bully and manipulate you.

So they either go away with their dad or go on holiday in the Uk as a family. They are the children and you are the adult. They need opportunities to build respect and empathy for others, too much focus on themselves might have minimised those opportunities?

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