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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not bothering with summer holidays- ungrateful kids?

263 replies

Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:15

We have two Kids ages 12 and 15.
To set the scene Myself and DH had horrible childhoods (poverty, abuse etc) and have worked hard in every way to ensure our kids lives are a world away from our own experiences
We have always made an effort with Summer holidays, mainly holidays in the UK ( hotels since they have been older and things like Centreparcs) also driven abroad, France, Eurodisney etc.
I have a huge fear of flying (flew a lot when I was younger) due to two horrific experiences and I have no interest in ‘getting over’ this.
It’s literally the only thing I’m not prepared to do holiday wise.
Now, I will say at this point, holidays are not something I particularly enjoy, they are not relaxing for me and even the fully catered ones are rather stressful overall.
Anyhow, both boys now want to go abroad but only on a plane.
One wants to go to the USA the other wants to go to skiing (we don’t ski).
I suggested a cruise on one of theuxuryvfamily cruise liners one where you stop off at lots of places but they are both refusing to even consider that. They are refusing a UK holiday or to drive to the continent.
I’m at a loss and seriously fed up.
I’m being made the scapegoat as they are blaming my lack of flying and as time goes on its less and less likely we will be anle to book anything at all.
AIBU not to bother this year?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2022 22:33

They sound pretty spoilt and entitled OP. They sounds like they have the pick of holidays on the condition that they go without you or don't fly. That isn't enough because they want to fly with you. They're old enough to understand that something like flying is terrifying for you and your feelings matter.

Does your DH demonstrate to them that you are important and a valuable member of the family? Do they see you as worthy as Dad of love and consideration or are you just Mom who just does it all and is always ok?

I'd settle it down to half a dozen options, no 6 being no holiday.

northernruth · 17/04/2022 22:33

YANBU. You don't want to fly, you have offered that they can fly without you or join you on an alternative.

Just a suggestion tho - what about interrailing or similar? Is there something you'd like to do for yourself? why do you find holidays stressful?

Just for comparison I'd love to drive to France but Dh won't hear of it!

We have just been to Spain for two weeks in four different locations, all chosen by me with a minimal amount of input by 14 yo daughter and DH, both leave it mostly up to me and they both enjoyed it. Appreciate that's flying but similar is possible in France, Holland or Germany using trains and ferries/ chunnel

IggysPop · 17/04/2022 22:35

YANBU at all.

There are two choices - go without you or a holiday that doesn’t require flying. Simple. Though I would not have wanted to cruise at that age either.

As for people suggesting that you get over your fear - you’ve explained this and it’s your business if/when you get to a place where you want to address that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2022 22:40

They don’t sound ungrateful, they are just teens who want to experience things. They aren’t going to have the empathy to understand why you can’t

There isn’t a teen alive who wants to go on a cruise, unless it’s maybe down the Nile.

Would they like a watersportsy activity holiday? I’m Greece or S of France? Find a compromise and tell them they can fly in a couple years.

BungleandGeorge · 17/04/2022 22:41

They should be grateful for the options you’ve given them. But they’re 12 and 15 so probably won’t be and even if you gave in they’d probably moan when they got there! Could they go on a school trip skiing or flying somewhere instead? As the adult doing all the planning and arranging holidays aren’t really all they’re cracked up to be, I’d just stay at home or maybe get a weekend away by yourself ?

NewandNotImproved · 17/04/2022 22:42

@Mickarooni must be taking the piss 😂
The entitled brats are free to go away with their father, what’s the issue?

tkwal · 17/04/2022 22:43

If flying terrifies you, you must believe it to be dangerous. If you believe it to be dangerous then why would you want your husband and children to do it ? If it's safe for them, does it not follow that it would be safe for you ?

NewandNotImproved · 17/04/2022 22:44

And yes, it is brat behaviour to be offered up a luxury experience (no one is entitled to a holiday) and when it’s not to their liking, they’re pandered to and offered up many more options which they turn their noses up at.

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 17/04/2022 22:45

@tkwal

If flying terrifies you, you must believe it to be dangerous. If you believe it to be dangerous then why would you want your husband and children to do it ? If it's safe for them, does it not follow that it would be safe for you ?
I’m arachnophobic, doesn’t mean I worry about other people coming in to contact. That’s not how phobias work.
Justwingingit2005 · 17/04/2022 22:46

I don't like flying.
I told my boys 11, 13 and 16 it is UK, France on the Eurostar or a cruise. They picked a cruise.

Peppapigforlife · 17/04/2022 22:46

Could you send them to camp America for a couple of weeks?

BotterMon · 17/04/2022 22:47

Sorry but they want to go skiing and they want to go to the USA. Well they can pay for it themselves then!

Why on earth are you letting your children dictate to you? You pay, you choose.

Unfortunately they sound rather entitled and brattish.

bumblingbovine49 · 17/04/2022 22:47

I have no opinion on whether your should want to get past your fear of flying but I think your children want you to and It is interesting that you are so angry with your children because they are asking something of you that you feel unable to give them and because they are not grateful enough for what you have given them

It is not necessary to give children everything they ask for or want and quite often they don't want what we give them and we sometimes have to live with their disappointment. They are entitled to be disappointed.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/04/2022 22:49

@tkwal

If flying terrifies you, you must believe it to be dangerous. If you believe it to be dangerous then why would you want your husband and children to do it ? If it's safe for them, does it not follow that it would be safe for you ?
Phobia doesnt work like that though, as I am sure you know. I have a very odd phobia of something that will never be a danger to me as a) I live in a part of the world where I will NEVER come in to contact with it and b) even if I did happen to come in to contact with it, it still wouldnt kill me.

But its a phobia to the point where I cannot see this thing on TV or even listen to something about it. The kids (unknowingly) put this particular thing on VR, were transfixed and said I should look at it. I had it on for a about 10 seconds and vomitted.

A phobia is, by definition, an irrational fear. The OP knows that it is safe but due to her own experiences, cant do it herself.

Houseplantmad · 17/04/2022 22:50

@Lalliella

Why don’t you go to Spain, Italy or the South of France? They can fly and you could go by train and join them.
Perfect solution. My idea of a fab holiday. I'd plan a couple of days in Paris en route though 😉
Synchrony · 17/04/2022 22:54

They won't consider?!?!! I would expect them to holiday where I chose!

You can ski without flying. I have done group coach trips to ski resorts. Was great.

Cruise to America across the Atlantic?

They sound like ungrateful brats. Holiday to somewhere like Anne Frank House or Berlin where they can learn what some people suffered in the war?

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 17/04/2022 22:54

Exactly this.

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 17/04/2022 22:56

Sorry - in support of the phobias don’t worry like that comment!

ldontWanna · 17/04/2022 22:58

Do they know what happened to you? Do they understand it?

Is this some weird cockamamie plan to get you to fly/get over your fears?

Sit them down,ask them why. Why is flying so important? Why do you need to go too? Why must you fly?

See what the come up with, and depending on their answers you might be able to get them to see the reality of things and change their minds.

Namesrus · 17/04/2022 22:58

If that is truly their entitled attitude I would be thinking that I’d failed as a parent. Yes teenagers should get an input into holiday discussions but they are not the decision makers. I truly wouldn’t book any holiday this year, maybe a year of no holiday at all may make them adjust their attitude to one of a little gratitude. Mine are past those teenage years now but I wouldn’t have allowed them to dictate where we go on holiday. PP’s are you really suggesting OP allows her kids to bully her into something she doesn’t want to do, she’s the parent fgs.

Teenagehorrorbag · 17/04/2022 22:59

You can drive to skiing holidays. But I don't think YABU - if they don't appreciate what's on offer they can do their own things when they are adults. They can suggest what they would like to do now - but as you are paying and you don't fly - they have to accept that. And they should be grateful! (But they are teenogres....Grin)

I don't like skiing. Went a few times when younger and fitter, but was always useless and scared. DH and I then took our two DCs aged about 9/10 pre-Covid, and I realised I am now too unfit to get up when I crash, and did both knees in falls and was in pain for several months afterwards. I stayed around the nursery slopes while DH and they charged all over the mountain, and we met for lunch - but I really don't want to go again. But they loved it so much, I may give in (they are now teenogres). But I'll dread it, and will either be bored drinking coffee all day, or spend a fortune to do one baby run alone each day - neither appeals. But the DCs know how I feel and although they occasionally try to persuade me - they'd never knock a different holiday or complain because I am such a party pooper. I do feel really bad - but they have been to Spain three times and had lots of UK holidays - we always have a great time. I would be sad if they were as grumpy as your boys.....Sad

But I'm sure your two would have a great time with their Dad - send them with your blessing and enjoy a week of peace and quiet! They have made the choice, whatever they say!

LeonoraFlorence · 17/04/2022 23:00

I’m torn, OP. Nobody would guess in real life but I absolutely hate flying too. We frequently go abroad as family, often long haul with DDs. They’re younger than yours but we do ask them where they fancy (to a degree!). I get medication for the flights which isn’t ideal but it gets me by. I tend to grit my teeth and get on with it and the holidays themselves are worth the flights. DDs know mummy doesn’t like flying and tend to rely on daddy more than normal on planes.

Threetulips · 17/04/2022 23:00

We had a dreadful holiday a few years ago - similar aged children. I told them I was never taking them on holiday again and I meant it!

They each went on the end of school week away - one to France, one to Wales and one to Edinburgh - they are now older and plan their own jaunts to different places, obviously Covid has restricted them somewhat, DD1 has two city breaks visiting friends and on trip abroad with a group. They’ll have a blast.

YANBU. They are being ungrateful and can do their own thing in a few short years.

Branleuse · 17/04/2022 23:01

I think your kids need to be a bit more grateful that they already get a holiday every year. Tell them that when theyre big enough and ugly enough to get good jobs and pay for their own holidays then it will be lovely for them to go on all the fancy longhaul holidays they want, but youve been very clear with what you will and wont consider, so their choices now are like it or lump it. Go with their dad if theyre desperate to fly but you will not be bullied into it by them or anyone

RosesAndHellebores · 17/04/2022 23:01

OP we have a home in France (close to the Spanish border) we travel by car or plane. Is there any particular reason why a holiday in Europe can't be booked, they fly with their dad and you travel by Eurostar/train? You could even break your journey with an hotel stop-over in complete and utter peace.

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