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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not bothering with summer holidays- ungrateful kids?

263 replies

Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:15

We have two Kids ages 12 and 15.
To set the scene Myself and DH had horrible childhoods (poverty, abuse etc) and have worked hard in every way to ensure our kids lives are a world away from our own experiences
We have always made an effort with Summer holidays, mainly holidays in the UK ( hotels since they have been older and things like Centreparcs) also driven abroad, France, Eurodisney etc.
I have a huge fear of flying (flew a lot when I was younger) due to two horrific experiences and I have no interest in ‘getting over’ this.
It’s literally the only thing I’m not prepared to do holiday wise.
Now, I will say at this point, holidays are not something I particularly enjoy, they are not relaxing for me and even the fully catered ones are rather stressful overall.
Anyhow, both boys now want to go abroad but only on a plane.
One wants to go to the USA the other wants to go to skiing (we don’t ski).
I suggested a cruise on one of theuxuryvfamily cruise liners one where you stop off at lots of places but they are both refusing to even consider that. They are refusing a UK holiday or to drive to the continent.
I’m at a loss and seriously fed up.
I’m being made the scapegoat as they are blaming my lack of flying and as time goes on its less and less likely we will be anle to book anything at all.
AIBU not to bother this year?

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 17/04/2022 21:37

My mum also was terrified of flying after doing it once.

It never prevented us going on holidays - driving in Europe to campsites.

I wouldn't have wanted to go without my mum but I'd also never have been rude to her about her fears and demand elsewhere.

But I don't think it's wrong for them to have a preference if asked for their input.

KosherDill · 17/04/2022 21:38

@Ragwort

Children that age are very difficult to take on holiday ... it's not mandatory to have a holiday, just don't spend any more time and energy worrying about it, you've offered plenty of options, if they don't like any then fine ... no family holiday. If I was you I would go off on my own and have a lovely time doing what I wanted. Maybe you have done too much for them ... do they need to know about the Trust Funds?
They do sound entitled.

In my extended family children are told, not asked, what the holiday plans will be.

Ragwort · 17/04/2022 21:38

They sound very arrogant & opinionated to 'refuse a family holiday' because it's not exactly what they want.......
Hmm. And why can't they go with their Dad ... why do they need you to tag along? My DS & DH have enjoyed plenty of holidays without me.

Original poster
Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:38

Thanks for the kind responses!
The whole situation is upsetting.
I wish I didn’t have this phobia (I think its actually PTSD) but nothing works to change it. I have (when younger) tried everything.

OP posts:
violetbunny · 17/04/2022 21:39

If they won't fly alone with dad, then this seems to be less about the actual holiday and more about them being frustrated and annoyed that you are "different" in some way for not flying.

Nelliephant1 · 17/04/2022 21:39

I can honestly see their point, as nice as their holidays have been it's only natural that they want to see and experience new places and things, it's lovely and a big compliment that they want to travel with you as a family. They probably realise that you're missing out too. You say that you've travelled the world, lucky you, now they want to see things with you.

Whatever happened to you, get the help you need to deal with not only flying but holidays in general. It'll be the biggest gift you can give them, you'll never get these years back.

I came from an abusive home too and have had to get help in various areas so that my past impacts my children as little as possible. Some things I've had to suck up and get on with for their enjoyment and pleasure. It's all about not passing things onto the next generation.

PlasticineMeg · 17/04/2022 21:40

@drpet49

YABU- because of you they can’t go on a plane. I’d be fed up of car driving holidays too.
Nothing like a bit of empathy Hmm I actually love flying on a plane but I prefer a driving holiday because the car and space is so handy, and you have a lot of freedom

Ungrateful sods - many people save like mad for a UK holiday. YANBU. They’re not entitled to a holiday.

RedskyThisNight · 17/04/2022 21:41

Your post reminds me a lot of how my parents (still) talk to me. They constantly point out how many sacrifices they've made and how hard they've worked to give us "opportunities". Many of the opportunities my siblings and I didn't actually want and would rather have done other things, but to tell our parents this makes us ungrateful.

The fact you don't even like holidays yourself but think your DC should enjoy a holiday that's not of their choosing rings a lot of bells.

PlasticineMeg · 17/04/2022 21:42

I think threads like this beg the question: why are we always telling other women to park their fears, feelings and phobias because oF tHE sAKe oF thE CHIldReN? Because women, and mothers, should behave like robots and never have a preference of their own, right

oatlattetogo · 17/04/2022 21:43

You’re not being unreasonable.

Plenty of people aren’t able to go on holiday regularly/ever, because they can’t afford it, even in the UK.

Plenty of people are only able to afford UK holidays.

Your children are very fortunate that they’re being offered regular holidays abroad and in the UK. It’s absolutely fine not to want to go on a cruise, but they shouldn’t be nagging you about flying somewhere.

Plenty of time for them to fly all over the world when they’re paying for it themselves or old enough to go with their friends.

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 21:44

@RedskyThisNight

Your post reminds me a lot of how my parents (still) talk to me. They constantly point out how many sacrifices they've made and how hard they've worked to give us "opportunities". Many of the opportunities my siblings and I didn't actually want and would rather have done other things, but to tell our parents this makes us ungrateful.

The fact you don't even like holidays yourself but think your DC should enjoy a holiday that's not of their choosing rings a lot of bells.

Children in a family dont get to choose the family holiday, thats for the parents to do.
Nelliephant1 · 17/04/2022 21:44

@RedskyThisNight

Your post reminds me a lot of how my parents (still) talk to me. They constantly point out how many sacrifices they've made and how hard they've worked to give us "opportunities". Many of the opportunities my siblings and I didn't actually want and would rather have done other things, but to tell our parents this makes us ungrateful.

The fact you don't even like holidays yourself but think your DC should enjoy a holiday that's not of their choosing rings a lot of bells.

Me too 😏
PlasticineMeg · 17/04/2022 21:44

@RedskyThisNight

Your post reminds me a lot of how my parents (still) talk to me. They constantly point out how many sacrifices they've made and how hard they've worked to give us "opportunities". Many of the opportunities my siblings and I didn't actually want and would rather have done other things, but to tell our parents this makes us ungrateful.

The fact you don't even like holidays yourself but think your DC should enjoy a holiday that's not of their choosing rings a lot of bells.

This post reminds me that, despite everything we do for our kids, some people are determined to pretend they had a shitty childhood because their parents weren’t psychic or 100% perfect. It makes me think ‘what’s the fucking point’ in even trying to make your kids happy if they’re gonna grow up to be critical no matter what you do
Original poster
Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:47

Redsky- sorry but I’m not like you describe your parents to be.
The money we have put aside is very rarely discussed, and only when the boys express anxiety about how the hell they will make their way in the world (its hard).
We don’t harp on about ‘opportunities’ or make they feel ‘anything’ about the choices we have made for them.
This is specifically about holidays, and me feeling pushed into flying when i have a huge fear of it.

OP posts:
SoftSheen · 17/04/2022 21:47

DCs can choose the holiday destination once they can pay for it. Until then, you choose if, and where, your family are going on holiday.

RedskyThisNight · 17/04/2022 21:48

Children in a family dont get to choose the family holiday, thats for the parents to do.

absolutely. But children in a family are allowed to not like the family holiday that their parents have chosen for them and not to be branded as "ungrateful" if they don't.

12 and 15 year olds are not young children. They deserve to have their opinions considered.

saoirse31 · 17/04/2022 21:49

I think you should give them a break tbh. You sound as if you hold all you've done for them over their heads constantly which is no way to live. They're teenagers, they also haven't lived your life and shouldn't be expected to be constantly grateful. Surely they're entitled to express their opinion. Are you not even slightly happy that they would like you to go on holidays with them?

aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2022 21:50

They seem quite bossy to me, refusing holiday options and insisting they will only go if you do.

I think they need a bit of a reality check about that attitude and would call their bluff and not go anywhere this year.

PlasticineMeg · 17/04/2022 21:50

A 12 and 15yo do NOT have the right to the opinion that someone else with a fear of flying should be on a plane for 11 hours or should fork out thousands they maybe don’t have because the usual holiday isn’t good enough. Why would you want to make them entitled brats? Holidays are about family time and relaxing, not having an Insta-worthy experience

Boating123 · 17/04/2022 21:50

Could they go on holiday with their schools? Some schools offer ski trips.

Original poster
Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:51

Redsky- my children do get to have an opinion, and to choose from hundreds of holidays which don’t involve flying.
If, out of all those hundreds of choices they only want to do a flying holiday then it looks like we won’t be holidaying !

OP posts:
Changemaname1 · 17/04/2022 21:51

Actually I think they are being a bit ungrateful and I say this as someone who loves travelling and doesn’t really like U.K. holidays . Can’t imagine me as a child throwing a strop because we couldn’t go to the USA 😂 and wouldn’t put up with my dc doing so either !

The cruise sounds awesome , I’d probably just forget it for this year too maybe they appreciate the effort you do go to next year !

Cocomarine · 17/04/2022 21:52

I’m sure you haven’t brought them up badly.
They say they don’t want to go without you.
They don’t sound ungrateful to me. They sound like children who don’t truly understand MH issues who think this is a way to “force” you into getting over it - cruel to be kind perhaps, but not for malicious or selfish reasons.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/04/2022 21:54

I don't think they are being unreasonable. It may not be avoidable, but they are missing out on many of the experiences most people associate with holidays. Of course that isn't going to be great for them.

I think the obvious solution is their df taking them without you, so why not explore that more. I imagine the "don't want to go without you" might really mean "don't want to feel bad about going without you". You can solve that by being really positive about the holiday, and how a break at home will be like a holiday for you (or go on a solo UK trip at the same time).

Unsureaboutit9 · 17/04/2022 21:54

It’s not fair to hugely priorities them but hold it over them OP, although I’m sure you don’t express it that way to them. And you say flying is the only thing you won’t do, but it actually takes away a vast amount of options so it isn’t a small thing. I don’t think any of you are especially unreasonable but this is your issue, I don’t think you should be so annoyed at them.

It’s a shame you hate holidays, there won’t be that many left before they are off in the world doing their own thing, you won’t get this time again.