Not bothering with summer holidays- ungrateful kids?

[Tethersend01]

We have two Kids ages 12 and 15.
To set the scene Myself and DH had horrible childhoods (poverty, abuse etc) and have worked hard in every way to ensure our kids lives are a world away from our own experiences
We have always made an effort with Summer holidays, mainly holidays in the UK ( hotels since they have been older and things like Centreparcs) also driven abroad, France, Eurodisney etc.
I have a huge fear of flying (flew a lot when I was younger) due to two horrific experiences and I have no interest in ‘getting over’ this.
It’s literally the only thing I’m not prepared to do holiday wise.
Now, I will say at this point, holidays are not something I particularly enjoy, they are not relaxing for me and even the fully catered ones are rather stressful overall.
Anyhow, both boys now want to go abroad but only on a plane.
One wants to go to the USA the other wants to go to skiing (we don’t ski).
I suggested a cruise on one of theuxuryvfamily cruise liners one where you stop off at lots of places but they are both refusing to even consider that. They are refusing a UK holiday or to drive to the continent.
I’m at a loss and seriously fed up.
I’m being made the scapegoat as they are blaming my lack of flying and as time goes on its less and less likely we will be anle to book anything at all.
AIBU not to bother this year?

I sometimes feel dd is incredibly ungrateful. Dh at this stage tells me she isn’t. She’s just living what she learned and to be happy that she’s in a secure place and able to assert herself when I was not.

I get it’s tough to be the sandwich with shit from both sides - parents and children. However YABU to refuse to go on holiday at all. I would suggest doing two things. One, where you stay at home and another, where you don’t.

Op in the kindest way And I'm sure this has Been Said many times already, your DC can't be held hostage to your own childhood s!! DH and mine also incredibly difficult in very different ways too what we do for our dc.
My goodness my parents were arguing all the time ! I can't explain this to children?!

Just leave them be.

DC at this age have very little senses of perspective And context, I can't believe some of the responses on here.

I think your children are highly unreasonable. You have a fear of flying, and yet they want you to be terrified just so they can go abroad. That's nasty really. You've given them an alternative, they can go with their dad, why is that not good enough? I only went abroad with my mum, my dad wouldn't go on planes either as too scared.

They can go with your husband, or they can just wait for the money you've saved for them to go abroad, and then it will likely be with no parent at all.

Also op, with the DC we mostly drove to France from about 2004 until about 2017. DD was desperate to go on an aeroplane like all her friends so I took her to Rome and Berlin for weekends. Then all if a sudden they were big enough to gangway with chums and come at different times to me and DH and to hop on a plane to do so.

Your DH has offered to take them on his own and they've refused - nothing more you can do!
I think it's fine for you to not want to fly or go on holiday ( for reference - I'm happy to do both). They have another parent to take them. FWIW these are the ages holidays start becoming tricky regardless - as they don't want to be seen with parents.

I don’t like flying, I’m scared too if it. They’re being selfish, it’s not long til they can do their own exploring. You’re not limiting them, they’re still young. We didn’t get to choose where to go on holiday when I was young, but you could give them a choice of European places? Or places in UK - there’s so many places you can get the ferry or train to.

Either they fly with dad or they choose one of your options. If neither is good enough, no holiday.

Just book the holiday you and your husband are happy with, they'll be fine. How about train travel across Europe for a change? As money doesn't seem to be an issue, why not let them go on school ski trips if it's not your thing.

I am with you - I won’t fly - will go anywhere but will not go on a plane - to be honest I rather holiday in the uk anyway - as don’t like hot countries!

I dont see why you do holidays you dont enjoy. Why do you need to "make so much effort". There is no need to do expensive holidays.

@tkwal

If flying terrifies you, you must believe it to be dangerous. If you believe it to be dangerous then why would you want your husband and children to do it ? If it's safe for them, does it not follow that it would be safe for you ?

Firstly phobias don’t really work like that, and secondly the OP has said that she doesn’t really even think it’s a phobia, she thinks it’s PTSD.

Btw I take it you've tried EMDR OP? I only ask because it's become accepted only relatively recently, that's all. Supposed to be effective for trauma related issues.

Anyway - I imagine the kids are just suffering from that well known teenage lack of empathy - they literally cannot imagine what it's like to have your body and mind going crazy going NOPE NOPE NOPE when you're in certain situations. They are still engaging in magical thinking, that just because they WANT your reaction to be different means it instantly will - but in reality, how many people have instantly got over a severe flying phobia? I wouldn't want to bet my summer hols on that being true!

Can confirm you can get to a lot of places without flying. Malta. Morocco. Turkey. If you stop off here and there to break the journey up, it can be fun. Shorter distances you can just travel straight through (e.g. Switzerland, Germany, Austria, south of France, bits of Spain, you can do in a day).

Lastly how much of the "oh but Mum must come too!" from DH & DC is just because people are scared of change? You could take off for a mini break with a friend and see if they've gotten fonder of the idea by the time you get back.

Are they just wanting you to come so they don't have to organise/dogsbody themselves? In which case, shame on them, and clearly they need the opportunity in order to grow as people!

However, if it's just that they love you THAT MUCH, then, surely, they can bear your absence for the sake of your happiness, eh?

YANBU for not wanting to fly.

They ANBU for wanting to fly.

They are however BU for refusing to go on a holiday that requires a flight with just their Dad, while you stay home.

Could I recommend somewhere like Chamonix OP- ? your boys can learn to ski there and yet it’s a lovely place anyway if you don’t want to ski— lakes, shopping, cute restaurants etc — and you can drive down— same with seefeld in Austria or Garmisch in Germany or Cortina in Italy . If it’s that the lads want to fly — why not let them fly down to the nearest airport -and you drive down a day earlier and pick them up at airport — is the oldest nature enough to manage that— my son would have been — or how about sending them on one of the PGL holidays that involve a flight and are outside the UK. ? Just some suggestions.

@Tethersend01

Drpet- I’ve suggested and encouraged them to go with Dad- he doesn’t mind flying, but they say they will only go if I go which actually pisses me off as I don’t enjoy holidays anyway and am not prepared to increase that level of discomfort to terror.

I'd never go on holiday again, in your shoes. Fuck the ungrateful bastards.

@oatlattetogo

You’re not being unreasonable.

Plenty of people aren’t able to go on holiday regularly/ever, because they can’t afford it, even in the UK.

Plenty of people are only able to afford UK holidays.

Your children are very fortunate that they’re being offered regular holidays abroad and in the UK. It’s absolutely fine not to want to go on a cruise, but they shouldn’t be nagging you about flying somewhere.

Plenty of time for them to fly all over the world when they’re paying for it themselves or old enough to go with their friends.

We as a family havent been abroad- Dc are 18,14,6,4. Cost is a main factor. We have done a few Uk holidays and thats it- The Dc have enjoyed. We are however, lucky enough to live in a lovely part of the UK, with beaches on our doorstep. I grew up here too and as a family, we only went abroad once. I dont feel I missed out , I do feel my DC are though a bit and hope to afford to go abroad at some point with them.

I feel your Dc are a bit ungreatful

YABU - pull yourself together

I love holidays, but wouldn’t want to go on a cruise. I like quiet rather than germ filled boxes.
We often do U.K. holidays with out kids - who will be 16,14 and 11 in the summer. They like activities now as well as beach stuff do we book things like - escape rooms, fishing trips, zip wires, surfing, pottery, cooking courses, quad biking, coasteering interspersed with the beech days.
Kids also love a beech BBQ and also visiting local foodie sites - ie. We’re going to the beech abs then off to xxxx ice cream shop.

I do also think you’re being ridiculous with the planes too though. You have significantly more chance of dying in the car on the way to the airport, than on the plane.

@chillidoritto

Have you done one of those courses for people who are afraid of flying? Seems a shame for your kids to miss out!

It seems a shame for OP to miss out.

We have this rule, parents book holiday- do you want to come? Yes or no.
If they want to go somewhere else- the absolutely can - when they're the ones paying. Simple.

YANBU, you’ve offered them multiple options and they should be greatful for the chance to go on holiday each year.
Also to the people saying cruises are boring/ what teenagers would want to go on a cruise, have you ever actually been on a cruise? They are far from boring, there are cruises with water parks etc. I’m sure a lot of teenagers would love this!

I think your kids should be grateful they get offered a holiday at all. Deciding where they go is up to the person paying for it presumably you and your husband. If they don't like it they can do what they want when they are adults and can pay for themselves.

I’ve noticed one of the quirks of Mumsnet is that people think children should go on foreign holidays ( with school etc) , even if you can’t afford them.
Which is quite ludicrous.
In your case, your children are being unreasonable, and you are quite reasonable to refuse to go away at all this year.
I find planning, buying for and organising holidays, incredibly stressful, and it spoils if for me.
And if you can’t fly, they need to accept that.
And if they can’t, well it’s a lesson in growing up for them.

This is no help now, but in five years or so, they'll be much better able to understand how you feel. Kids in that age range are, by and large, hugely selfish, but it is generally temporary.