I don't want more children, but I don't know if I'll forever regret not having a daughter.

[potofivy]

Firstly, I know children are all individuals, and I actually can't place exactly why I want a daughter.

I have two beautiful boys whom I love dearly.

I'm pretty sure two children is the perfect number for us. I also know that even if we had a third, there's a 50/50 chance it'd be another boy.

How can I just be happy with what I've got?!

I read that the mums and
Daughters are the most
Likely family dynamic to fall out. This seems to hold true when I look at my friends ect. I have boys and I couldn’t care less about having a girl tbh.

For those saying that us who have said 'be grateful to have any children' aren't being helpful:
The intention is not to dismiss gender disappointment. As people have said, a feeling is a feeling and if it's there, it's real.
The point was to encourage those in this position to focus on just being grateful in the hope it will help OP & others to manage & move past their disappointment. To be more 'Buddhist' about it all another poster said.
I made my point (before OP then shared details of her own struggles with infertility) because my own best friend has struggled with gender disappointment with her second, and is in same postion as OP right now, but I know that seeing me struggle with secondary infertility whilst pregnant with her second boy has helped her to find peace with it all.

Good luck OP.
As others have said. I think it comes down to ultimately to whether or not you want a 3rd regardless of sex.

I don’t usually admit this, but I get where you are coming from, OP. I have 2 of each and I love them all equally, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a strong preference for at least one or 2 DD’s. to be honest, I can’t even explain it. I’m not girly, I hate shopping, and doing hair or cutesy clothing is the furthest thing from my mind. The girls aren’t enrolled in stereotypical female interests like dance classes, and both do things like soccer, basketball, and tennis. I would play lego and cars over barbies every day of the week…..nothing about me would suggest a preference and yet I had a really irrational one!

I think in your position I’d decide if you want 3 boys. If you do and it’s a girl then it’s a nice surprise

Honestly I understand. I have a daughter, I wanted a daughter, and being totally honest I would have been disappointed at not having a daughter. I love my daughter more than anything and she is my little mini me, my little best friend. I can't wait to share clothes with her, makeup, shopping, getting nails done, we love pink. She has on things like Barbies on the telly instead of PJ Masks (even though we don't tend to gender her life, she naturally prefers "girlie" things)

I would probably have this regret at not having a daughter too. So I get it.

HoppingPavlova

I never understand these threads. I have both
Well that will be why then!

Sons never truly leave you but daughters do. I've been so close to my mother in law and step mother. So think of the girlfriends and also the grand daughter!

What sexist bollocks, cordelia!

Lavenderlid surely someone doesn’t need to have both to know that kids are individuals? It’s really not rocket science to understand that if you are after a girl so you can go dress shopping, do hair, talk about periods, skip about hand in hand as mother/daughter etc, you may get one that can’t stand shopping, detests make up, has a shaved head and would rather go watch motor bike racing than sit and have girly talks about periods or being a woman.

Same as boys, maybe a boy’s favourite pastime is crocheting, watching Beaches a million times and is engrossed by fashion and takes every opportunity to go shopping?

How can you only thing understand that a child is an individual if you have children of both sexes, but not if you only have a child of one sex?

I have a boy and 2 girls and I've never felt strongly about having a particular gender, although my 2 girls are closer in age and I'm glad they have each other. Personally I think for families with 2 dc, 2 boys or 2 girls works better, as it's just easier to have 2 boys or 2 girls in terms of hand me downs, shared activities, shared rooms and having a same-sex sibling as adults. One of my sisters has 2 boys and the other sister has 2 girls and that seems to work well. Friends with one boy and one girl end up doing different activities more often (boy doing things with daddy and girl doing things with mum).

I'm pretty sure there are options overseas (with IVF) if you did feel strongly about having a particular gender, so it could be worth looking into. Also I found out the sex of my dc pretty early (11 weeks) as I had NIPT tests on the youngest (I had the test to check for genetic issues as I'm an older mum, but it also gives a very accurate result for sex).

surely someone doesn’t need to have both to know that kids are individuals? It’s really not rocket science to understand that if you are after a girl so you can go dress shopping, do hair, talk about periods, skip about hand in hand as mother/daughter etc, you may get one that can’t stand shopping, detests make up, has a shaved head and would rather go watch motor bike racing than sit and have girly talks about periods or being a woman.

Nor is it rocket science that boys and girls will face different issues as they grow despite being individuals and for many parents the preference could be due to having more of an idea what their daughter or son will face because they have already done so. Numerous studies have proven that if men and women were able to choose, that an overwhelming majority would choose their own gender with a small percentage actually saying they don’t care. People have preferences regardless, doesn’t mean they are going to automatically care less for a child that isn’t the gender they wanted. It isn’t an either/or situation that people choose to make it out to be.

@HoppingPavlova if you read any of my other posts on this thread you would know that stereotypical feminine activities are not what I would be looking for from a daughter.

I sympathise OP. I'm having a similar dilemma. We have 2 boys but I'd love a girl. I think it's because I'm close to my DM and I want that relationship. Also I just assumed I'd have a girl, all my family have mixed sex siblings so I suppose I had it in my head that's what it'd be like. Not sure if that'd be heathy though really, would I have really high expectations of a daughter?
Of my 3 closest female friends, one can't find the right man, 1 can't get pregnant and is looking at IVF and another has 1 child but is having IVF due to secondary infertility. I try to focus on how lucky we are to have our amazing little boys.

I agree with this. I think there is something very self - absorbed in wanting a child of a particular sex in order to fulfill some need in your own life. There are a lot of posts where people imply they want a dd so they can dress them in pink and have someone to go shopping with when they're older...

---

But first of all- why did you have kids? Was is it to do society a favour, or more likely to fulfil a need (desire for a family, wanting to relive experiences like going to the beach)? Like yes, we all have kids for slightly selfish reasons.

Also, It's too simplistic to make it about pink dresses. Sons can be close to their mums but it's not as simple as that. @AmericanStickInsect have a great answer.

There are some parents who are just very superficial and it's all about pretty pink (nothing wrong with enjoying that either tbh) but for most people it's about recreating a mother-daughter or sister relationship that we either had, or didn't get to have.

Another one of these posts ffs. I don’t know the answer to why can’t you be happy with what you’ve got. Maybe try counselling as it sounds like there’s some issues to resolve

@HoppingPavlova if you read any of my other posts on this thread you would know that stereotypical feminine activities are not what I would be looking for from a daughter.

So what would you be looking for. Apart from a vagina?

If it’s not feminine activities or the stereotypical mini me mother/daughter relationship that’s often an object of fiction, what would you be looking for?

You sound quite rude. To save you the bother of looking for my post, I will paste in.
It's moot anyway as I won't have any more dc, and as a sufferer of recurrent miscarriages I'm bloody lucky to have the 2 I do have.

I don't think I miss the experience of raising a girl, but I do sometimes think of life when they are adults - maybe on here too much but being the "mil" rather than the dm, and being the grandparent they don't see as much of does worry me. Of course I will try to be the perfect mil (if this happens at all) but I do think it is harder to maintain the relationship than if I had a dd. Female socialisation and all that. Plus I loved my own mum so much and I definitely kept in touch with her more than her sons.

My friend felt this way too but with 3 boys.

They accident got pregnant and luckily for them this time they had a girl but it so easily could've been a boy too.

I had the opposite in that I had 2 girls and had an accidental pregnancy (failed contraceptive) and just assumed it would be a girl as I had it in my head I couldn't have boys and I actually said 'are you serious/sure' to the sonographer .

I hope wherever you decide you can be happy 🌸

Also anecdotally a friend of mine has has 6 sisters and him.

He also has 8 nieces and a dajughter. What are the odds!

I totally understand OP and as a mum of 2 boys , we went through the whole should we try for a third thing.
We didn’t as I didn’t want to be disappointed if I had a third boy.
My two are adults now and there have been many times I do find myself thinking what if…
My 3 closest friends have daughters the same age as my sons .
They all had a mums and daughters night out to which I was invited, I have to say I found it hard . I know when it comes to weddings etc; it will be hard again too.

If it helps, my parents wanted "one of each!" and they got just that. I was the girl, and I was profoundly the opposite of what they thought the fantasy of "having a daughter" would be. They never let me forget it either... Serves them right!

OP, you sound very thoughtful and sensible. There's nothing wrong with wondering "what if", that's human nature! Wish you the best whatever your decision.

As someone who grew up with all sisters I really didnt want a girl at all.

I have three boys and 1 girl. I was glad i found out the sex as it took me the remainder of my pregnancy to get round to the idea of a girl.

My friend has 4 boys and is delighted and never had a 'yearning' for a girl.

I have had many losses via miscarriage and ectopic and was delighted to have healthy babies. The OP making up some nonsense about fixing her own mother daughter bond by having a girl is just bizarre. Enjoy what you have and stop fixating on what you dont as you will spend your life feeling dissappointed.

OP you are rude.

I had decided to be happy with my two boys and we didn't think more kids would fit into our life easily. Unfortunately fate had other plans, and although of course I love my daughter dearly, no, I was not really missing a girl specifically. I actually find her much harder to parent and the overall pressure of this much kid stuff is sometimes overwhelming.

My DD wants to be male now. I didn't see it coming at all so it's been a huge shock. Life doesn't always follow what you expect

For me I worry about when my boys are older, whether they’ll still be close to me. I’m close to my mum, I live 5 mins away from her and see her every other day, but my brother is an hour away and sees her once every 2 months maybe. That’s my real reasoning behind wanting a girl.