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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want more children, but I don't know if I'll forever regret not having a daughter.

206 replies

potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:14

Firstly, I know children are all individuals, and I actually can't place exactly why I want a daughter.

I have two beautiful boys whom I love dearly.

I'm pretty sure two children is the perfect number for us. I also know that even if we had a third, there's a 50/50 chance it'd be another boy.

How can I just be happy with what I've got?!

OP posts:
Original poster
potofivy · 18/04/2022 03:08

Absolutely right.When you think of the women who cannot have children at ALL, for whatever reason, it seems very 'ungrateful' to be wanting a third child, when one already has two.

Be thankful for what one has.

I am grateful. We needed IVF for our second due to secondary infertility. I also suffered a miscarriage before my successful second pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
potofivy · 18/04/2022 03:13

Most women I know had awful relationships with their mothers growing up,

This includes me. I think I've always wanted a girl to in some way repair the fact I've never had a good 'mother-daughter' relationship. Which is no reason to bring a child into the world anyway.

Essentially I'm sticking with two unless there is an accidental pregnancy at some point which is unlikely given our fertility issues.

My boys are absolutely gorgeous. I'll have to make sure we are still close when they're adults!

OP posts:
alanabennett · 18/04/2022 03:25

FWIW, my colleagues wife felt the same way as you. Two lovely boys but desperate for a girl so tried for number three.

She is now three months pregnant. With twins.

They are freaking out and need to move house and buy a bigger car within the next six months. Just to give another perspective 😀

namechangeranonymouse · 18/04/2022 03:27

Actually it's not 50/50. Statistically if your first is of one sex the second is more likely to be of the same sex and the shutdown even more likely to be a boy. Sorry. Look around. How many boy/boy and girl/girl families do you know. My friend has just had her third girl because her husband was desperate for a boy.

MarianosOnHisWay · 18/04/2022 03:30

@Palease

I have 2 boys and I often briefly consider trying for another to have a girl. Then I ask myself “what do I want a girl for?” The answer is because I want my child to be like me. DS1 likes cars and trains and isn’t interested in books reading, drawing etc like I am. However DS2 who’s still a baby might like those things.

I also know I’d probably have a breakdown if I had another baby. I cannot cope with broken sleep any more.

Someone said on another thread how she looked on it as she’d been given a gift of boys to raise who were going to make great husbands; who weren’t afraid to share their feelings, who didn’t feel burdened with toxic masculinity who would be proud of their close relationship with their mum and know terms like mummy’s boy were sexist (mummy’s girl anyone?).

Well, your DS might be into trains and cars now but I assume he’s under 5yo? He’s unlikely to be into trains when he’s 15 or 25 or 35 (although he might still be, of course, in a different way) and he might then get into reading and drawing and find some common ground with yourself. Don’t write off finding common interests while he is a young child.
Original poster
potofivy · 18/04/2022 03:32

@alanabennett

FWIW, my colleagues wife felt the same way as you. Two lovely boys but desperate for a girl so tried for number three.

She is now three months pregnant. With twins.

They are freaking out and need to move house and buy a bigger car within the next six months. Just to give another perspective 😀

Worst nightmare!
OP posts:
Flickflak · 18/04/2022 03:35

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Original poster
potofivy · 18/04/2022 03:37

To have a discussion about it?

It's a head over heart matter isn't it.

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 18/04/2022 03:54

If I, as a state, were trying to incentivize couples to have more children, I'd offer "family balancing" permits (issued only at natural gender ratios, so 105 boy permits to every 100 girl permits) to couples planning a third child. Most of the three-child families I know have two older siblings of the same sex; I bet a lot more people would have a third if they could choose the gender.

SnappleInTime · 18/04/2022 04:05

We had two boys. Then went on to have two girls. I'd give anything to go back in time and stop at those two boys. Jealous of the number of people that did just that....

It may take time but I time you will accept what you have and if you stand around school mums long enough you'll be glad for it then. I used to hear all the drama from school mums talking about their daughters and there was another boy mum and me who only had the boys at school glad we weren't having to worry about all this but my go came....

Fraaahnces · 18/04/2022 04:11

How many times would you want to keep trying and failing to have one? Would you love each boy less? Would you be devastated every time the gender of the baby was revealed to you?

Lovethewinter · 18/04/2022 04:12

I always pictured myself having boys - I'm not sure why. I've ended up with 2 girls and my DH is very keen to have one more to try for a boy. I always thought I'd want 3 kids but I absolutely don't! Pregnancy is awful for me and we wouldn't cope financially. I think a lot of people see 1 of each as the ideal, but I'm glad my girls have got a sister! My only disappointment is my DH's disappointment about not having a son but he really suits being a dad to girls - he also says he knows if we had a third it would be another girl anyway! 🤣

CouldIBeAnymoreOuting · 18/04/2022 04:13

When you are in the thick of these feelings it can be hard to sift through what is desire for another child versus desire for the sex of the child you don’t have. At one point, I worried I might be stuck with these mixed feelings forever. But I wanted 4 children, luckily got 4 wonderful boys, and after the last was pleased to feel very much ‘done’ having children. I desperately want to be out of the baby / toddler years getting better sleep and time to focus on everything else. I’ve reached my number where it definitely feels enough, the thought of doing it again is less than ideal. Husband has recently had a vasectomy and I didn’t feel at all wobbly about it.

You aren’t meant to mention it because people will tell you there’s no difference between sons and daughters, or that you should be lucky with what you have, but that doesn’t change that you DO have feelings on it. I’ve been there in the past and had phases where I worried I might never move past the desire for a daughter, which is a totally separate thing to loving my amazing boys and doesn’t mean that I am in any way not happy with them. I don’t really do girly so my desire for a daughter was not anything to do with wanting to shop for girl clothes or feeling that I’d miss out on wedding stuff, etc. but my overactive imagination had built
up the idea of a daughter to a point where it felt like I was waiting for someone who I always assumed was coming, and never did. I don’t have great relationships with the men in my family, but this doesn’t mean it will be this way with my sons - I want to focus on building on our bonds rather than divide focus further with a quest to have more children.

I imagine there will be occasional phases in life where I have wobbles about it, but only small ones, and I know I will no longer wonder “what if we had tried again?” because I know 100% that I was ready to be done having children.

People make insensitive comments, ask if you will ‘try for a girl’. It’s personal and annoying and a fact of life that families with all the same sex children have to learn to live with. I could probably write a novel with the amount of comments we’ve received having four boys!

But as far as your question about how to move forward without regrets, there is no hard and fast answer. Just be confident that you know your limits and stick to them. Having more children mainly because you seek a certain sex is a risky and miserable game to play.

Momijin · 18/04/2022 04:33

Hi op. I have 2 of each and there is no real difference between them and our relationship. The only difference is that my girls keep using my stuff - socks, toiletries etc.

But in terms of doing things together, being close, talking etc there is no difference. And my eldest son's girlfriend is also around a lot. She is lovely.

Joystir59 · 18/04/2022 04:33

My aunt ended up with 3 boys trying for a girl. Let the dream go.

VeneziaGiulia45 · 18/04/2022 05:11

I'm sorry, but I have 0 sympathy for some of these commenters... I have always been baffled at how readily people will admit their disappointment with not having their "preference" when it comes to their own children. If your life is so easy that not having a girl causes you sorrow and "disappointment", you're doing just fine. Children aren't commodities. You don't get to be "disappointed" with their inherent DNA. What a self-entitled culture we live in. Or maybe I should be happy for people - how easy and wonderful your life must be if not getting to choose your child's gender is such a source of sadness.
(this isn't aimed at you OP. Just rather flabbergasted at some of the absurdly emotive language used by some commenters here).

sashh · 18/04/2022 05:16

OP

I was the much wanted daughter, if I'd been a boy then my parents would have had a third child.

My father's mother had always wanted a daughter but got 2 boys so I was also a much wanted grand daughter.

But I'm not the pretty, dainty thing they imagined.

This caused problems, particularly with my mother, to the extent my relationship with her improved after her death.

So OP it isn't just a 50/50 if you do have a third and you have a girl, you might get one like me, a girl who hates clothes shopping, wears mostly black, has a motorbike licence, doesn't wear make up and hates most things mothers and daughters are supposed to enjoy.

AmericanStickInsect · 18/04/2022 05:35

I don't think you'll forever regret not having a daughter.
You have your family and it's the perfect size for you.
I can't imagine anyone 'feeling sorry' for you for having a pair of brothers. Boys are great! Girls are great! It's all great!
Boy families are often great places to be and you're lucky to be part of one, and I'm sure you know that deep down.
'What ifs' are the source of your current sadness, not your family make up. Don't let it take up any more space than it needs to.

HistoricMoment · 18/04/2022 05:38

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AmericanStickInsect · 18/04/2022 05:56

@Siameasy

Girls seem to be almost fetishised. Apart from socialisation ie gender, the only difference is biology. Girls can like any activities/clothes they want, may or may not be close to their mums, there are no guarantees and having 3 kids is unreasonable and unnecessary imo especially when it’s obvious you are projecting gender stereotypes onto female children.
I think deep down there can be more to it. If women had a difficult relationship with their Mums, I think there can be a desire to create the Mum/daughter relationship they wish they had had or to 'do it right'; and if they had a good relationship with their Mums there's a yearning for the security and familiarity of that. It's a relationship you 'know' because it's one you've been in. It's not always about better/worse but familiar/strange. No Mum has been a son or experienced the Son/Mum relationship from the child's side so I think can feel slightly out of place/in uncharted territory. Of course that's an illusion and your children are your children and you are their Mum and that eclipses any importance of what's between their legs. Boys and girls are far more similar than they are different and each is a total blessing. Apart from really superficial stereotyped beliefs, I think these situations are far more about the Mum's sense of 'knowing' than anything to do with their child's sex. However you know your children by being their Mum, and chasing a theoretical child for a theoretical relationship I don't think is the right solution. Find what you're looking for in your boys OP, it will be there.
Flatandhappy · 18/04/2022 06:11

I got unexpectedly pregnant when my boys were 10 and 5. Yes, I ended up with a daughter but I was so annoyed by the whole “oh, so you are trying for a girl”, “you must be so happy you got your girl” comments of which they were many. It is never a good idea to have another baby in the hope of one or the other, there were two families at our primary school - one had five boys, the other five girls. Both mums got pregnant again and they both ended up with six of the same.

StScholastica · 18/04/2022 06:29

I'm interested in the statistics being bandied about and wonder if anyone can link to an evidence base for this?
80 per cent more likely to have a boy if you already have 2 sounds completely far fetched to me?
Surely the chances of boy v girl are always just 50/50 Confused

icecreamcart · 18/04/2022 06:34

I have one of each and I can you my boy is more sensitive than my girl. Think about getting another child not about gender. My daughter is more of a tom boy. I love them both dearly.

HoppingPavlova · 18/04/2022 06:41

I never understand these threads. I have both and thankfully never had any preconceived notion’s regarding a DD. As much as we love each other, DD is much closer to DH than she is to me. We are just very different people and have been from the minute she walked and talked and her personality and interests align more do with DH. I had a close relationship with my mother but we were very similar people so that was natural. I would have a closer relationship with my sons than my DD, likely as we are much closer in personality and interests.

I feel really sorry for DDs of some posters if they have them, it’s as though they either expect a mini-me, an identical relationship to that they had with their own mother or have some preconceived idea of what a DD is, and I wonder what happens if a DD is just their own individual who doesn’t fit any of this?

Roselilly36 · 18/04/2022 06:47

I am a mum to two DS’ I love them to bits, but… I would have loved a girl too, to go shopping with etc. I think it’s lovely when friends and their daughters are going out to do girly stuff together. I am sure if I had had a third I would have had another boy. Not that I would change my two sons, they are great. But I totally understand what you mean OP. I also have know two mums that have 4 girls as they wanted to try for a boy.

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