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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want more children, but I don't know if I'll forever regret not having a daughter.

206 replies

potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:14

Firstly, I know children are all individuals, and I actually can't place exactly why I want a daughter.

I have two beautiful boys whom I love dearly.

I'm pretty sure two children is the perfect number for us. I also know that even if we had a third, there's a 50/50 chance it'd be another boy.

How can I just be happy with what I've got?!

OP posts:
Foreverbaffled · 17/04/2022 19:25

I have two boys who I adore. I’ve also always loved the idea of a girl but it’s just a fantasy and definitely not worth changing all our plans to “try” for one. If two makes sense for your family then stick with that.

Plus I read a study which said something like the chances of having a third of the same sex as two previous babies is as high as 80% (something about your womb environment) so chances are you’d have another boy.

All the reasons I’ve wanted a daughter are based on my own lovely relationship with my mum. No reason why I can’t have that with my boys. I’ve just let go of a silly stereotyped fantasy and enjoying my reality.

I’m not being harsh by the way as I totally get it.

Original poster
potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:27

@Foreverbaffled

I have two boys who I adore. I’ve also always loved the idea of a girl but it’s just a fantasy and definitely not worth changing all our plans to “try” for one. If two makes sense for your family then stick with that.

Plus I read a study which said something like the chances of having a third of the same sex as two previous babies is as high as 80% (something about your womb environment) so chances are you’d have another boy.

All the reasons I’ve wanted a daughter are based on my own lovely relationship with my mum. No reason why I can’t have that with my boys. I’ve just let go of a silly stereotyped fantasy and enjoying my reality.

I’m not being harsh by the way as I totally get it.

Thanks. I think I feel exactly the same as you!
OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 17/04/2022 19:28

Another mum of 2 boys here.

I have felt this way and it has got easier as they get older - I think partly as they are such different children definitely not two of the same (obviously).

I think it’s fine to be a bit sad for not having a daughter. It doesn’t mean you love your sons any less.

I always wanted a daughter but at the end of the day I don’t want a third child. Husband is very much against so in our case it was never really on the cards, which I guess was helpful.

Original poster
potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:31

@Frazzled2207

Another mum of 2 boys here.

I have felt this way and it has got easier as they get older - I think partly as they are such different children definitely not two of the same (obviously).

I think it’s fine to be a bit sad for not having a daughter. It doesn’t mean you love your sons any less.

I always wanted a daughter but at the end of the day I don’t want a third child. Husband is very much against so in our case it was never really on the cards, which I guess was helpful.

My husband is saying that if we want to have another child we should do so quickly as we both would want to get the baby years out of the way as quickly as possible!

But honestly, I really feel like 2 is enough. Doesn't help that out of 11 NCT friends, everyone else has girls! Suppose that makes me special!

OP posts:
Hunderland · 17/04/2022 19:31

We had two boys and DH is one of a family of boys so we knew the chances of a third DS were high.

But we wanted a third - fully expected a boy but we had a girl.

Original poster
potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:31

@Hunderland

We had two boys and DH is one of a family of boys so we knew the chances of a third DS were high.

But we wanted a third - fully expected a boy but we had a girl.

Ok. Good for you?
OP posts:
AuntyMabelandPippin · 17/04/2022 19:32

I get you. I've four boys and never really felt the girl thing until my friend's daughters started having weddings.

To think I'll never have that is hard, though I know anyone that marries my sons will probably be wonderful and keep me in the loop.

I have a lovely relationship with my sons, and hopefully it'll be the same with anyone that comes into our family.

Needtogetoffmyphone · 17/04/2022 19:32

I have three boys and one girl. The boys are (mostly) much much easier and straightforward. My DD has succumbed to social media - has caused us no end of pain and certainly is not close to me. She always has her own interests at heart.
My boys are warm towards me and they are fun.
Two children works in the modern world, let go of your expectations and enjoy what you have.
When you have DIL (if you have), prioritise your relationship with them - they are the key to an ongoing relationship with your son and grandchildren. The great thing is you won’t have a history with your DIL - they may want to do girly things with you. And they may really appreciate your relationship

Mommabear20 · 17/04/2022 19:33

I can kind of relate.
I have 1 of each (girl and boy) and we said that's it, we're done! But I'd always had dreams/visions of having two girls, but we knew that two was ideal and we were incredibly lucky with what we have. I am now pregnant with a very unplanned 3rd baby, and while I'm excited, the prospect of all the hassles that come with 3 kids is frightening, and until my 20 week scan I don't even know if it's a girl or boy. If it's a boy I will absolutely adore it, as I do my DS, but I'll also be a little sad at not having the 2 girls I've always pictured.

It's okay to be sad about something, but if you're on the fence about something, I'd always go with the safe option.

Original poster
potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:35

Yes! Safe option is the best option!

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 17/04/2022 19:35

So similar to other posters, two completely chalk and cheese boys here. I mourned the relationship I'd never had when I was expecting DS2 and that was it.. Definitely worth acknowledging it. I know a lot of 3 boy families and had heard the stat above also. I definitely wasn't going to bring another life into the world only because of wanting a girl. I am extremely close to both of my highly affectionate DS and I've never regretted not going again. I had a MMC before both and though I'll never know, I think of that baby as a little girl. Best of luck OP. You're not alone.

MurmuratingStarling · 17/04/2022 19:37

I think it's risky unless you can 100% guarantee baby No. 3 will be a girl. And that's not possible.

What if the next one is a boy? Are you going to keep going til you get a girl?

I do 'get' you. I wanted a girl very badly, and I got my wish. One of my cousins had 5 boys trying to get a girl, and sadly, it made her very bitter. She can't bear to be in the same room as anyone with a daughter. Her sons know it too. (All 25 to 37 now.)

Unsurprisingly 4 out of the 5 boys left home at 18-19 years old, and moved between 100-200 miles away, and never returned. The last one remains at home, (for now,) but is well aware of how she sobbed when she discovered that he wasn't a girl. She doesn't have a single good relationship with any of her sons.

Original poster
potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:40

I don't like the expectation that 'we're going to try again' just because we have two of the same sex either.

It's like people feel sorry for me or something, makes me feel like I'm missing out when in reality I know that's not the case

OP posts:
Original poster
potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:41

@MurmuratingStarling

I think it's risky unless you can 100% guarantee baby No. 3 will be a girl. And that's not possible.

What if the next one is a boy? Are you going to keep going til you get a girl?

I do 'get' you. I wanted a girl very badly, and I got my wish. One of my cousins had 5 boys trying to get a girl, and sadly, it made her very bitter. She can't bear to be in the same room as anyone with a daughter. Her sons know it too. (All 25 to 37 now.)

Unsurprisingly 4 out of the 5 boys left home at 18-19 years old, and moved between 100-200 miles away, and never returned. The last one remains at home, (for now,) but is well aware of how she sobbed when she discovered that he wasn't a girl. She doesn't have a single good relationship with any of her sons.

That's extreme... I don't feel like that at all
OP posts:
Countdownis35 · 17/04/2022 19:43

I had to read this twice. I can't believe OP is so dam rude?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 17/04/2022 19:44

Yes re people prodding if you will 'try for the girl' as if complete dismissing your beautiful boys as somehow inferior!

Countdownis35 · 17/04/2022 19:44

@Hunderland

MurmuratingStarling · 17/04/2022 19:45

@potofivy

Oh no I never meant to say YOU are like my cousin. Sorry Flowers

Soringhaze · 17/04/2022 19:45

We have a few friends that have gone to the US to get fertility treatment as you can choose. If I'm honest we would have liked done the same if DD had been a DS.

MurmuratingStarling · 17/04/2022 19:47

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Yes re people prodding if you will 'try for the girl' as if complete dismissing your beautiful boys as somehow inferior!
Rude ain't it? Yet I have NEVER known anyone ask 'are you gonna try for a boy' when they have just girls. I mean I am sure it's happened, I just haven't heard it/experienced it.
Notwithittoday · 17/04/2022 19:48

Just to put it into perspective I have two girls and whilst I love them dearly, I think being a woman is quite difficult in lots of ways and I worry about them. I don’t like the way the world is for girls. I’m not saying I wouldn’t worry about boys if I had them but I think girls are a different kind of stress entirely.

lemongreentea · 17/04/2022 19:50

I had 2 boys like you OP. Felt the same and was so unsure.

Anyway got pregnant and was a girl. Feel so lucky. You might be too. Good luck

SoggyPaper · 17/04/2022 19:50

I’ve got 3 boys. People assume I should be disappointed sometimes. I’m not. They’re great.

Sisisimone · 17/04/2022 19:51

@Countdownis35

I had to read this twice. I can't believe OP is so dam rude?
Yes, thought this too re response to Hunderland.
MinnieMountain · 17/04/2022 19:54

Genuine question- what do you expect from a daughter that you don’t have with your sons? Because no particular relationship is guaranteed.