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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want more children, but I don't know if I'll forever regret not having a daughter.

206 replies

potofivy · 17/04/2022 19:14

Firstly, I know children are all individuals, and I actually can't place exactly why I want a daughter.

I have two beautiful boys whom I love dearly.

I'm pretty sure two children is the perfect number for us. I also know that even if we had a third, there's a 50/50 chance it'd be another boy.

How can I just be happy with what I've got?!

OP posts:
MsDataPotata · 18/04/2022 06:53

After my first was a boy, I wanted another boy (was lucky enough to have 2 more). My brothers are really close & I would be completely lost without my sister. Because of that, I wanted my kids to experience having a same sex sibling. My 3 (teenage) boys are thick as thieves & I love it. I honestly think that if you're only having 2, same sex is far better for them. And isn't having kids meant to be all about 'them'?

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 06:56

With two DC of the same sex, think the odds of DC3 also being that sex are much higher than 50/50

Original poster
potofivy · 18/04/2022 06:58

@MsDataPotata

After my first was a boy, I wanted another boy (was lucky enough to have 2 more). My brothers are really close & I would be completely lost without my sister. Because of that, I wanted my kids to experience having a same sex sibling. My 3 (teenage) boys are thick as thieves & I love it. I honestly think that if you're only having 2, same sex is far better for them. And isn't having kids meant to be all about 'them'?
I do agree with this. I'm the only girl, I have four brothers, the twins are especially close.

I'm over the moon for my sons that they have a brother each. It definitely helps me to think about that when the little voice pipes up wanting a daughter.

OP posts:
AnOldCynic · 18/04/2022 07:24

@potofivy I think this is less to do with the girl/boy conundrum but just learning to live with regret, any regret, full stop. It just so happens that you are in a position to (possibly) avoid that regret by having another child.

But you say you don't want any more children, so don't have any and learn to live with the 'what ifs'. Having a third child whatever the sex might upset the apple cart completely.

AnOldCynic · 18/04/2022 07:26

And with regards to learning to live with it, just don't hold on to thoughts that make you unhappy. Be more Buddhist 😊

GoFishandChips · 18/04/2022 07:26

I don't really understand why some posters are shocked by the OP's rude response. Posters give rude responses ALL the time on MN. Am I missing something? Was this response even ruder than the norm on AIBU?

Indeed! Considering some of the replies you see on here, but some people love a pile on. And on the face of it the original comment did sound like a brag.

OP, I don't have anything to add to your question but just wanted to show support.

RedHelenB · 18/04/2022 07:29

A lot of people I knew had 2 or more girls and people asked if they were going to try for a boy. I think the norm is one of each isn't it?

LactoseTheIntolerant · 18/04/2022 07:48

@VeneziaGiulia45

I'm sorry, but I have 0 sympathy for some of these commenters... I have always been baffled at how readily people will admit their disappointment with not having their "preference" when it comes to their own children. If your life is so easy that not having a girl causes you sorrow and "disappointment", you're doing just fine. Children aren't commodities. You don't get to be "disappointed" with their inherent DNA. What a self-entitled culture we live in. Or maybe I should be happy for people - how easy and wonderful your life must be if not getting to choose your child's gender is such a source of sadness. (this isn't aimed at you OP. Just rather flabbergasted at some of the absurdly emotive language used by some commenters here).
I agree with this. I think there is something very self - absorbed in wanting a child of a particular sex in order to fulfill some need in your own life. There are a lot of posts where people imply they want a dd so they can dress them in pink and have someone to go shopping with when they're older... My own parents do it in that they trot out that rhyme A daughter is for life and son until he gets a wife. (I do a lot more for my parents than my brother) So what they're really saying is, women are seen as being more nurturing so will help out when we get old, thank god we had one of those! But that's not about me, that's about my role as nuturer/carer providing for others it's all entirely selfish iyswim.
Totheweekend · 18/04/2022 07:53

@alanabennett

FWIW, my colleagues wife felt the same way as you. Two lovely boys but desperate for a girl so tried for number three.

She is now three months pregnant. With twins.

They are freaking out and need to move house and buy a bigger car within the next six months. Just to give another perspective 😀

I knew someone who had three boys and went one last time for a girl. Twin boys!! Beautiful family. But huge!
Lunalicious · 18/04/2022 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunalicious · 18/04/2022 07:54

Whoops! Totally wrong thread!!! I dunno how that happened

Mylifeisruinednow · 18/04/2022 07:54

@Sisisimone
Me too. Very rude reply .

Fundays12 · 18/04/2022 07:56

Hi OP I have 3 boys. We were actually done at our 2 boys as I just felt it was enough then I had an unplanned pregnancy. It was a real surprise and did take a little getting used too. Part of me thought a girl would be nice but with DS2 I had a lot of pregnancy complications and we really didn’t know was he going to be ok. He was rushed to SCBU not breathing properly as a newborn so the babies health was our priority. Thankfully he is ok though now has asthma.

The pressure from some other people to have a girl was horrible to be honest and ruined my pregnancy to a degree. A couple of close family members made it clear they wanted us to have a girl and we got comments such as a disappointed “Ohh sorry” that he is a boy.

As a mum of 3 boys I can tell you they are 3 very different kids. My middle child loves dolls, pink, glitter, shopping etc so everything people assume are “girly” and my youngest looks like he will be into similar things though he is only a toddler so it’s early days. My eldest loves outdoors, darker colours, computer games and has a group of lovely friends. They are all very close and loving to me. I have noticed that those who don’t have close relationships with there sons as they grow either wanted a girl and we’re disappointed or had a girl and the boys got pushed aside. Obviously this isn’t the case in all families and I have friends who have lovely relationships with there adults dcs (boys and girls) but regardless of a child’s sex relationships are what matter long term.

You may have another boy or a girl but I can promise you either child will enrich your life but having 3 is exhausting. There is no down time and life is never dull. Please don’t have a baby to try for a girl have one because you want one. I have been asked if I could guarantee a girl would I have a 4th. My answer was no as I don’t want to raise another child. Our family is complete now.

glittereyelash · 18/04/2022 08:01

I know how you feel. I'm the only girl in my family and I ended up having a little boy myself. Since my mother passed its felt like I'm surrounded by boys so there's a little piece of me that would like a girl but I know I'm one and done. An aunt of mine ended up with six boys no girls but has five grandaughters so it can also come full circle.

PrivateHall · 18/04/2022 08:04

OP, I am not in your position but just wanted to say 'I get it' and I am another one who believes your feelings are normal. You aren't a bad person for feeling this way! I think you are wise to consider the impact of a third child, we have 3, and whilst I adore the youngest and she was very much wanted - I definitely underestimated the difference between 2 and 3 - mostly financial, but also time wise.

If you are happy with 2 and don't really want 3 - I honestly don't think you will have any regrets. Good luck with your decision Flowers

Tiredalwaystired · 18/04/2022 08:05

Of course it happens. Happened to me.

Tiredalwaystired · 18/04/2022 08:06

Doh! That was supposed to have the quote about no one worth two girls ever being asked about trying for a boy

phoenixrosehere · 18/04/2022 08:07

*Absolutely right.When you think of the women who cannot have children at ALL, for whatever reason, it seems very 'ungrateful' to be wanting a third child, when one already has two.

Be thankful for what one has.*

Why is this always necessary to trot this out when it has nothing to do with OP and OP has even said that she has struggled herself?

The mass majority of women with children already know this so trying to guilt them over feelings they have that they are trying to change is dismissive and ridiculous.

And those who always use this never seem to consider that such women struggled; typically seem to have it in their head that it must be someone who was able to have children easily.

I swear some act like they never pictured a certain life for themselves and not being a bit disappointed that it didn’t happen for them. People can’t always control or help what they feel but they can control/decide their actions afterwards.

Foggydayz · 18/04/2022 08:07

I don’t think the modern world is made for 2 kid families
Hub and I both have a sibling each and found the relationship is tricky. It is so polarising having 2 kids. You either get on or don’t .. but 3 makes for a proper gang. A team. And you have to work hard to make it work but it’s a more significant part of their childhood… and hopefully life together. I am not going to say it is easy - it isn’t easier having a third ( tho many say it is ) but my third is the best ! I would agree with your husband tho - a big age gap is tough, so I would go quick. It may be another gorgeous boy , but surely different and gender is so irrelevant really. I do agree that girls can grow up v fast , being more hormonal and more spiky. Boys seem to have a mad physicality but otherwise affectionate and calm down . Ultimately , we make gender how it is

I wanted my third to be a girl as I felt boys never stay as close once married … but he is the most affectionate little thing …I can’t imagine our relationship changing and even if it does, the last few years have been wonderful and we can’t imagine not having him. Kids are only cross we didn’t have a 4th 🙈

surreygirl1987 · 18/04/2022 08:12

No, being one or three myself, I'm aware that 3 really can be a crowd. So often one of us was left out.

But anyway, whether a 2 or 3 child family is 'better' wasn't the point of this thread.

CoalCraft · 18/04/2022 08:18

I'm similar. Have a DD whom I adore, currently carrying another girl whom I already love just the way she is, but a part of me is sad I'll never have a son. DH and I always adamant that we'd only have two at the absolute most and I can't see my feelings on that changing, let alone DH's, so that's that!

Just the way life goes.

josil · 18/04/2022 08:25

Honestly I think anyone having a child in the hope of it being a certain sec is setting themselves up for a potential big fall.

Have another child if you want a CHILD not a boy or a girl.

And if you wouldn't be happy either way don't bother - because you're going to really struggle if you don't get the sec you want.

workingmomlife · 18/04/2022 08:27

@VeneziaGiulia45

I'm sorry, but I have 0 sympathy for some of these commenters... I have always been baffled at how readily people will admit their disappointment with not having their "preference" when it comes to their own children. If your life is so easy that not having a girl causes you sorrow and "disappointment", you're doing just fine. Children aren't commodities. You don't get to be "disappointed" with their inherent DNA. What a self-entitled culture we live in. Or maybe I should be happy for people - how easy and wonderful your life must be if not getting to choose your child's gender is such a source of sadness. (this isn't aimed at you OP. Just rather flabbergasted at some of the absurdly emotive language used by some commenters here).

Have to agree with this post.

Maybe it's because I lost a lot of babies trying to have my children that I was just so happy to be able to actually bring a baby home. But I know no one likes a race to the bottom or so it's called on MN

I actually think this modern world is harder for boys than girls to those that saying growing up a woman in this day and age is hard/dangerous. Physically we are no more at risk than we were. But politically and legally we are more protected than we've ever been in terms of equal opportunities

It's a sad fact however that's rates of suicide are highest in the young male group - they are automatically classed as abusers and vilified on MN it would seem from 99% of the posts on here. And not surprising when many are considered a disappointment to their mothers from the moment she finds out he's a boy given all the "gender disappointment" threads which are overwhelmingly about sons.

I fear more for my son than my daughters in this modern world

gannett · 18/04/2022 08:34

OP maybe something that will help is if you think about all the reasons you think you specifically want a daughter... the assumptions about what she'd be like and the ideal vision of your relationship. Then take a step back and think about how many of those assumptions are based in stereotypes. There's actually no reason to think a daughter would fulfil any of that - nor that a son won't.

Stereotypically girly things like pink and shopping? I can't stand any of that so I'd have been a very disappointing daughter to you. But boys can enjoy those things too. Your kids will be individuals, not stereotypes.

Original poster
potofivy · 18/04/2022 08:56

@gannett

OP maybe something that will help is if you think about all the reasons you think you specifically want a daughter... the assumptions about what she'd be like and the ideal vision of your relationship. Then take a step back and think about how many of those assumptions are based in stereotypes. There's actually no reason to think a daughter would fulfil any of that - nor that a son won't.

Stereotypically girly things like pink and shopping? I can't stand any of that so I'd have been a very disappointing daughter to you. But boys can enjoy those things too. Your kids will be individuals, not stereotypes.

I hate pink and shopping too! So it's definitely not that stuff!
OP posts: