Page 5 | I don't want more children, but I don't know if I'll forever regret not having a daughter.

potofivy · 2022-04-17T18:14:32+00:00

Firstly, I know children are all individuals, and I actually can't place exactly why I want a daughter. I have two beautiful boys whom I love dearly. I'm pretty sure two children is the perfect number for us. I also know that even if we had a third, there's a 50/50 chance it'd be another boy. How can I just be happy with what I've got?!

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 17/04/2022 22:45

@silentpool

There is also no guarantee of the "mother - daughter" relationship. It does happen but in a lot of cases, it's pretty fraught due to the expectations put on the daughter by the mother.

This... I have an amazing relationship with my mum, we actually live together... yes she winds me up but I wouldn’t have it any other way... however I know several people that have horrific relationships with thier mums.

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2022 22:52

I must be weird though as my 1st pregnancy I wanted a girl and got a boy. After that I wanted boys. Perhaps I felt I knew baby boys 🤷‍♀️. I was a bit worried/scared with pregnancy 2 and 3 might be girls. Again not sure why, perhaps I just fell in love so much with ds1

oakleaffy · 17/04/2022 22:58

@SoggyPaper

I’ve got 3 boys. People assume I should be disappointed sometimes. I’m not. They’re great.

I was massively pleased to have a boy, too.

Girls can be wonderful, though.
Just depends of the child, their nature, rather than what sex they are.

Needtogetoffmyphone · 17/04/2022 23:03

@oakleaffy
That is completely true - personality matters a whole lot more than what sex the child is.

MurmuratingStarling · 17/04/2022 23:05

@sevencontinents

I don't really understand why some posters are shocked by the OP's rude response. Posters give rude responses ALL the time on MN. Am I missing something? Was this response even ruder than the norm on AIBU?

People keep banging on about the OP's response to hunderland's post, it as if she has stamped on a kitten. She doesn't need to keep being told by finger-wagging self-righteous posters that she was soooo rude to 'hunderland' FFS, all the OP said was 'good for you' in response to that poster saying she had 2 boys, and the third child was a girl...!

A few posters have come on here purely to have a go at the OP for her one response to hunderland, and have contributed nothing else to the thread whatsover. Which is VERY strange.. (I am looking at YOU @Giviningup @Sisisimone @Kittromney and @SilverSusie !)

How many more people are going to have a poke at the OP for that ONE comment? It really is looking more pathetic every time someone says something about it now. Especially those posters who have trotted on to the thread PURELY to have a dig at the OP for that one comment, and to offer NOTHING else.

And can people just stop with the passive-aggressive 'be thankful you HAVE 2 children, I only have one, and some people have none' type comments?! They are supremely unhelpful and bring nothing to the thread.

MurmuratingStarling · 17/04/2022 23:06

@sevencontinents my post there ^ wasn't aimed at you by the way, it was in response to what you said.. that the OP's posts are not particularly rude.

Hunderland · 17/04/2022 23:11

@MurmuratingStarling If you're implying I'm those other posters mentioned who posted supportive comments, please do check with @mumsnet - I can assure you I'm not.

bellamountain · 17/04/2022 23:13

I have 2 boys and can't get my head around this way of thinking, especially when my youngest spent a considerable amount of time in hospital as a baby. They are just so precious and you are so bloody fortunate.

MurmuratingStarling · 17/04/2022 23:15

[quote Hunderland]**@MurmuratingStarling* If you're implying I'm those other posters mentioned who posted supportive comments, please do check with @mumsnet* - I can assure you I'm not.[/quote]
No I am NOT implying that at all. I just think it's strange that a bunch of posters have come onto a thread just to have a pop at the OP for ONE comment she made, and have not contributed anything else to the thread. I never MENTIONED you being those 4 posters. That never even entered my head.

Hunderland · 17/04/2022 23:25

@MurmuratingStarling I think it's more likely they came on to say something, thought the comment to me was uncalled for and decided against it...

Painiscrap · 17/04/2022 23:27

I went to school with a girl who’s df was desperate for sons! She had 5 sisters, before child number 7 turned out to be a boy. They then thought they had cracked it and had another child, hoping for a second son, but unfortunately it was another girl. So 8 children, just because their father wanted sons!

I think it was incredibly sad, that her father didn’t think his daughters were enough!

Countdownis35 · 17/04/2022 23:32

The irony passive aggressive some people ought to look that defination up for a start!

MurmuratingStarling · 17/04/2022 23:33

[quote Hunderland]@MurmuratingStarling I think it's more likely they came on to say something, thought the comment to me was uncalled for and decided against it...[/quote]
Hmm maybe. Just seems a bit weird to go onto a thread purely to have a pop at the OP for one post and not contribute anything else to the thread. And FOUR people did it too which seemed odd. (to me.) Maybe one yeah, possibly even two, but FOUR? Seemed a bit weird (IMO.) Especially as they ALL referred to the same post.

And then a load more posters kept banging on at her too. There was literally nothing wrong with what the OP said to you, (IMO,) so I don't 'get' why so many people are finger-wagging at the OP and scolding her.

Anyway, I've said my piece so that's it from me.

But I genuinely was NOT accusing you of being multiple posters.(Honestly...)

surreygirl1987 · 17/04/2022 23:37

I don't like the expectation that 'we're going to try again' just because we have two of the same sex either.

It's like people feel sorry for me or something, makes me feel like I'm missing out when in reality I know that's not the case

I have NEVER experienced this! I am in a similar boat to you, OP - I have two boys and I have always wanted a girl. But, although I occasionally feel a little pang about not having a daughter, I do feel it is right to stop at 2. I only wanted two children, and I hate the thought of going through all that again. My little boys are delightful and I would never in a million years exchange my youngest for the girl I was hoping for - he's just the sweetest little thing in the world! When I found out at my 20 week scan it was a boy, I was pretty gutted, and I do think gender disappointment is real, but I think trying to have perspective helps a lot too. I have friends with babies with awful heath conditions or who were stillborn or serious disabled etc, and reflecting on that has made me realise how lucky I am.

oakleaffy · 17/04/2022 23:43

@bellamountain

I have 2 boys and can't get my head around this way of thinking, especially when my youngest spent a considerable amount of time in hospital as a baby. They are just so precious and you are so bloody fortunate.

Absolutely right. When you think of the women who cannot have children at ALL, for whatever reason, it seems very 'ungrateful' to be wanting a third child, when one already has two.

Be thankful for what one has.

Isonthecase · 18/04/2022 00:11

The expectation that you're trying for a girl with a third is was worse than with two, virtually everyone I know said they were hoping we'd get a girl. I was pleased to find out that I genuinely didn't mind - I still get pangs about not having a girl but I'm genuinely pleased to be having three boys when I wasn't thrilled to be having two.

It has helped as they've got older and so clearly been their own people rather than just a specific sex so I tie a lot less importance to that. It also helps realising that most of the reason you want a girl is due to internalised sexism as fundamentally they shouldn't be that different.

JaneJeffer · 18/04/2022 00:17

Ok. Good for you?
Was going to reply until I saw this. Why so nasty?

CandyLeBonBon · 18/04/2022 00:24

The op, it seems, was ousting for support to get her over the fact that she only wants two and they're both going to be boys, and she doesn't want to try for a third because she's done, yes?

Another poster gave their perspective in a fairly innocuous way and the op was like 'yeah? Good for you!' (I'm paraphrasing'

There was no need for the op to be snippy. The pp wasn't being nasty.

I think that's where it's gone a bit wrong?

Siameasy · 18/04/2022 00:32

Girls seem to be almost fetishised. Apart from socialisation ie gender, the only difference is biology. Girls can like any activities/clothes they want, may or may not be close to their mums, there are no guarantees and having 3 kids is unreasonable and unnecessary imo especially when it’s obvious you are projecting gender stereotypes onto female children.

JellyBunny · 18/04/2022 00:37

All families are different and not everyone gets a daughter. Not everyone gets to have a son. Try to be happy with what you have.

707smile · 18/04/2022 00:39

Do you think you'd be significantly more unhappy with three sons than two?

If not, then you would have a slightly less than 50% chance of your dream of a DD, a slightly more than 50% chance of things being fairly similar but with another baby boy so it might be worth considering. At least you wouldn't be stuck with the doubt of what could have been forever.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/04/2022 01:11

@Siameasy

Girls seem to be almost fetishised. Apart from socialisation ie gender, the only difference is biology. Girls can like any activities/clothes they want, may or may not be close to their mums, there are no guarantees and having 3 kids is unreasonable and unnecessary imo especially when it’s obvious you are projecting gender stereotypes onto female children.

Absolutely this. My now exH absolutely treated his dd differently to our first x2 ds. He was obsessed with having a girl because his mother made it abundantly clear she'd have preferred him to be a girl.

It's had long lasting repercussions that our kids are feeling.

cruelladevill · 18/04/2022 01:38

Jesus this is so weird

I have 2 sons and I have never NEVER ONCE felt like I wanted or needed a girl

I've just felt content that I have two healthy children, I am very lucky for that

Strange way of thinking

AlternativePerspective · 18/04/2022 01:55

Is it just me who looks at the length of a thread and skips to the end to see how it’s been derailed? Never ceases to disappoint.

Back to the OP, I’ve never understood this wish for a daughter, I actually can’t get my head around it. Just what is it that people want in a daughter that a son won’t give you?

I have one DS, but IME the people with DD’s find them far more difficult. The moods/hormones as teenagers for a start, and often the hostility towards their mothers growing up.

Most women I know had awful relationships with their mothers growing up, and even if that’s different now, it usually takes an awfully long time to get there.

Plus haven’t we as women moved past all this girly crap? I mean really…

Original poster

potofivy · 18/04/2022 02:59

OP is expecting sympathy it's a bit rich don't you think?

Am I?

OP posts: