I don't want more children, but I don't know if I'll forever regret not having a daughter.

[potofivy]

Firstly, I know children are all individuals, and I actually can't place exactly why I want a daughter.

I have two beautiful boys whom I love dearly.

I'm pretty sure two children is the perfect number for us. I also know that even if we had a third, there's a 50/50 chance it'd be another boy.

How can I just be happy with what I've got?!

Also agree: unnecessarily rude in response to @Hunderland

I have one child, a son who is 40 and he is a wonderful son. No daughter could beat how lovely he is. Stop wasting your time worrying about what you haven't got and make your sons the best men ever. I live with my son and DiL. What do I need a daughter for?

@Piglet89

Also agree: unnecessarily rude in response to *@Hunderland*

Yes, I agree too. I think she was just trying to say that sometimes it can work out. Nothing wrong with that. I'm happy it worked out for you *@Hunderland*, FWIW!

I understand how you feel. We also have two boys, and they are wonderful (and wonderfully different) but I made a point of finding out the sex as early as possible with DC2 as I knew he would be our last baby and I knew I would have some processing/grieving to do about never having a daughter - even though I was really pleased DC1 would get to have a brother.

DH would have a nervous breakdown if I got pregnant again. I also have difficult pregnancies and quite simply cannot bear the thought of being pregnant again. We can also just about cope with two, and suspect DC1 has some additional needs - definitely would feel too stretched with three. So we have a host of rational reasons I remind myself of from time to time.

But really for me, what helped was that DC2 was the right baby to complete our family. I can’t really articulate it any more clearly than that or explain how lucky I feel but he has made our family feel complete and there is no longer an empty seat at the table, if that makes sense? It’s completely by chance as well - but his personality is such a perfect fit and sort of balances the rest of us out in some ways. So that’s how I reconciled it for myself - a daughter might not have been the right baby to complete our family, but DS2 was - and it just so happens that he was a boy.

@BlindGirlMcSqueaky - wistfulness indeed. So sorry for your loss.

I don't really understand why some posters are shocked by the OP's rude response. Posters give rude responses ALL the time on MN. Am I missing something? Was this response even ruder than the norm on AIBU?

@sevencontinents

I don't really understand why some posters are shocked by the OP's rude response. Posters give rude responses ALL the time on MN. Am I missing something? Was this response even ruder than the norm on AIBU?

Well no. But considering OP is expecting sympathy it's a bit rich don't you think? Also what does OP want us to do that she doesn't have a DD? Lots of mothers don't it's not usual or are we missing something?

@MurmuratingStarling I have all girls and get asked constantly if I’m going to ‘try for a boy’ 😅 I just smile and say I’ll wait for grandsons now!

@Soringhaze
I think the only other country to the US that does gender selection is Turkey, and part of Cyprus. I am of the view that if you feel especially strong about this, it is always an option.

Given for me, and many, that fertility was not a ‘natural experience’ anyway, I don’t feel particularly concerned if you wanted to add gender selection into the process.

I was in your position and I decided to go for a third because I wanted a third child, not because I was trying to have a girl. I thought I was completely comfortable with the idea of 3 boys. I was told at an early scan it was a girl, I then found out later it was a boy. I went through the loss of the girl I had attached too. It does feel like being told it was a girl was what made that hard but maybe I would have felt that anyway. I wouldn’t swap my boys for anything, I’m glad they are who they are but I will forever feel the loss of not having a daughter.

If you did have a third you need to be 100% happy with the idea of having three boys to even consider it. Because even if you are content with that you’ll still feel the loss that you’ll never have the experience of a daughter

I have 2 boys and I often briefly consider trying for another to have a girl. Then I ask myself “what do I want a girl for?” The answer is because I want my child to be like me. DS1 likes cars and trains and isn’t interested in books reading, drawing etc like I am. However DS2 who’s still a baby might like those things.

I also know I’d probably have a breakdown if I had another baby. I cannot cope with broken sleep any more.

Someone said on another thread how she looked on it as she’d been given a gift of boys to raise who were going to make great husbands; who weren’t afraid to share their feelings, who didn’t feel burdened with toxic masculinity who would be proud of their close relationship with their mum and know terms like mummy’s boy were sexist (mummy’s girl anyone?).

There are ways to increase the chances of having a girl. Get DH to have a sperm check.

Certain special positions and timing of sex in your cycle increase your chances.

It won't work every time but worked for me.

And OP clearly said she doesn’t want more children and asked for advice on how to be happy with what she has. So I can’t see how it was a useful response at all.

Agree nor do I think OP was asking for sympathy either.

I don't think I miss the experience of raising a girl, but I do sometimes think of life when they are adults - maybe on here too much but being the "mil" rather than the dm, and being the grandparent they don't see as much of does worry me. Of course I will try to be the perfect mil (if this happens at all) but I do think it is harder to maintain the relationship than if I had a dd. Female socialisation and all that. Plus I loved my own mum so much and I definitely kept in touch with her more than her sons.

@Hunderland - OP sounds like a real gem of a woman!

@Countdownis35
No you're not missing anything. I am not excusing the OP's response, I have just rarely seen so many posters pick another poster up on their rudeness unless the post in question is blatantly disgusting. I quite like it, actually, because AIBU can be unnecessarily rude at times.

I always thought I wanted a girl. Then I suffered fertility problems and got told We would be very unlikely to conceive spontaneously.

Then it happened completely unexpectedly and we had our little boy. He’s so unlike me, honestly - as a poster upthread said - he’s into cars and trains and emergency services. He also never ever sits still and drives me mental.

But he’s perfect and I wouldn’t change him one iota.

@Lavenderlid

I don't think I miss the experience of raising a girl, but I do sometimes think of life when they are adults - maybe on here too much but being the "mil" rather than the dm, and being the grandparent they don't see as much of does worry me. Of course I will try to be the perfect mil (if this happens at all) but I do think it is harder to maintain the relationship than if I had a dd. Female socialisation and all that. Plus I loved my own mum so much and I definitely kept in touch with her more than her sons.

Yes this does worry me a bit. I wonder why this happens? Is it because men are shamed if they are close to their mums? Then it’s something us boy mums need to shine a light on and educate them that it’s good to be close to their Mums. Or maybe it’s because women tend to be the one in charge in the household and men default to what their wife wants them to do. Again. We need to raise our boys to be equal players in a marriage and be confident.

Anyone else any ideas why this happens? People used say a daughters a daughter for life, a sons a son til he finds a wife.

@potofivy

I don't like the expectation that 'we're going to try again' just because we have two of the same sex either.

It's like people feel sorry for me or something, makes me feel like I'm missing out when in reality I know that's not the case

Lol but you’ve just asked “how can I I be happy with what I’ve got?” Now you’re saying people make you feel like you’re missing out when you know that’s not the case?

@Twocrabs30 I agree. The last statistic I read was 80% of women using gender selection were after a girl which in itself is interesting. I think Italy, Mexico and Thailand also offer 'family balancing' gender selection.

My aunt and uncle had 6 girls hoping to get a boy. Unfortunately all the girls grew up knowing/feeling they didn't quite live up to their parents wants, as it was much talked about in the family growing up (mostly boys in the rest of the family).

My good childhood friend was one of 5, the last being a much tried for boy. Her mum was told having more children would be risky after no 3 but she continued to try for a boy. They struggled to fall pregnant after the 4th girl and so there's almost 20yrs between eldest and youngest. Unfortunately the mum suffered a major stroke and other ongoing issues as a result of the pregnancy/birth and will never lead an independent life as a result. There's a lot of resentment from the older girls about their quality of life as a result, and a lot of pressure on the boy to be perfect.

Not saying your feelings are as extreme OP, but I think they can snowball and people can become obsessed, to the detriment of their earlier DC which is so so sad.

I was told it was more like 70% chance you get the same sex again if you have the same dad. And I ignored that and am now a mum of 3 boys. I kind of knew he would be a boy, but I did allow myself hope. You have to not mind too much of you go for it. I kept my cry to the one day I found out and try not to think about the girl I'll never have too often. X

There is also no guarantee of the "mother - daughter" relationship. It does happen but in a lot of cases, it's pretty fraught due to the expectations put on the daughter by the mother.

Of course you are completely delighted with your 2 boys but I'd say you'd love to experience having a baby girl and nothing wrong with that,sure if you get a boy of course you'll love him

I’m lucky I have one of each... so never felt the need for a 3rd child however there was a time I was worried about what dd would turn out to be.
DP is one of 3 boys
His older brother has 2 daughters
He’s the middle with one of each
And his younger with 2 boys
His dad is the only boy with 2 sisters
His mum only had one brother
I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters
My mum had 1 sister, one brother
And my dad had 2 brothers and 1 sister.
More boys than girls so I was convinced i would have 2 boys. Sometimes I wish I did because girls are actually harder in my opinion 🤣

3 boys and no desire for a girl. My boys are so much fun even now they are older but I'm not a girly girl who liked doing hair and talking clothes. Is much rather be out on bikes or at the trampoline park. All mine like crafts too so they sew and make things. My teen rather fancies a spa day and facial with me even though he is a big rugby player