Friend still insisting on meeting outside only

[Lemons1571]

Anyone else experiencing this? A meet up for coffee with a friend has been postponed several times because of bad weather, but she won’t go inside with anyone as is scared of catching covid. She helps her cv parent out, though is not a carer, so is still worried about the guilt of catching it and passing it to them.

She’s happy to rearrange a planned meet up at short notice (her kids are adults now) but short notice is a bit of a nightmare for me juggling younger kids and childcare and no local family to help.

She does office work, but won’t sit with her team if she can help it, always sits at a bank of desks on her own.

So I guess AIBU to think that she needs to seek some help to move on a little? We are in the UK not Shanghai. There is an underlying insinuation that im not being flexible or understanding enough, because I can’t magic up childcare for these very short notice date changes.

Sounds like she’s got a good reason and is trying to be as flexible as she can.

Sorry but you don’t sound like a good friend.

I couldn't be doing with it at this stage tbh...

Also is she insisting you don't bring your kids hence the need for childcare?

Neither of you are wrong. She doesn't want to meet inside, you can magic childcare. It really depends how important the relationship is to you both.

4.9 million people are believed to currently be Covid positive.
She has a CV relative.
I don't blame her.

We care for a 98 year old so are more cautious than most people we know, still wear masks, avoid crowded shops etc. I went to an indoor meeting and meal last week for 20 people, over half reported positive 5 days later. I feel very lucky to have dodged it that time. If one if us catches it, we are not worried about ourselves, but are concerned about how we will care for someone who needs help with everything, never mind passing it onto her which could result in her death. So give your friend some support, it is hard.

@Bootskates yes they are child free meet ups

@Lincslady53 I’m not really sure how i can support her, as I can’t see her in person. I’m just not prepared to sit outside in the rain and tbh neither is she. She won’t go to a pub even on the outside covered tables, in case she needs the loo inside etc. What sort of support could I offer?

Up to her if she wants to be like this, up to you if you don’t want to meet her under these circumstances. I wouldn’t be arsed with it myself, especially since she isn’t acknowledging that the vast majority of people aren’t living like this anymore.

@Lincslady53

We care for a 98 year old so are more cautious than most people we know, still wear masks, avoid crowded shops etc. I went to an indoor meeting and meal last week for 20 people, over half reported positive 5 days later. I feel very lucky to have dodged it that time. If one if us catches it, we are not worried about ourselves, but are concerned about how we will care for someone who needs help with everything, never mind passing it onto her which could result in her death. So give your friend some support, it is hard.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but how long would you expect a 98 year old to live for? Anything can "kill" someone at that age - very many things besides Covid. My dad was in hospital with Alzheimer's at the end of his life. He caught a virus from someone which went to his chest and he died. It didn't cross any of our minds that someone was "responsible" for passing him the virus. And he was a lot younger than 98.

That does sound harsh.

1 in 12 people are reported to have Covid at the moment, and those figures are probably under estimated as no testing is required.

Your friend is still being sensibly cautious.

Move on and find a new friend. COVID isn’t going anywhere. It’s a virus. It’ll mutate continuously. We still have the flu virus 100 years after the first pandemic. Incidentally, how did she act during every flu season prior to March 2020? If she lives with someone with a serious medical issue that puts them at risk, this should be nothing new to her.

OP it may seem inconvenient , but be assured it's as frustrating for your friend. She sounds as if she's trying her best - I'm in a similar position Carer to a disabled child and both my elderly parents.

Given there have been close to 2k deaths this week it's a pretty tough call to balance indoor mixing whilst ensuring you're able to continue in caring responsibilities and have even some semblance of a social life. If you did this tedious I'd bet your friend could do with some company and release from what must be a very challenging time.
I'm sure with the right will you can both work something out surely?!

I do know one person like this- practically still living like it’s lockdown. I understand the anxiety to a certain extent but I do wonder when exactly they will begin to return to normal, considering covid is here for good.

*find this tedious

Very wise shout from them. I'm glad you've got such good and sensible friends.

She's not being unreasonable, she just has a different perspective to you. If you can't/don't want to meet with her then don't. It doesn't have to be reasonable Vs unreasonable - you're just different people with different lives.

This sounds like my husband. He’s been very anxious the whole way through and still is. I worry a lot about his mental health/our relationship…
I’d say try and be there for your friend by chatting over the phone/messages/ outside where possible but if you don’t have childcare, you don’t have childcare.

She shouldn't be making you feel bad for being inflexible with arrangements, it sounds like you're trying your best. Is meeting at her house or your's not an option? Possibly doing lateral flow tests beforehand if you're willing to. I would agree if she's too scared to momentarily go into public places to use the toilet, that sounds like something she could use some therapy for.

I regularly walk with a friend who will not share a pavement with me - she will walk in the road whilst I’m on the pavement so we’re not that close. This despite the fact that we’ve got children in the same class at school and had covid in the house twice each (though she has escaped it). I can’t imagine she will ever have people in her house again at this rate.

@DoubleShotEspresso the stumbling block is, the onus is on me to “work something
out”. Which translates as “sort childcare with a few hours notice when we know from the forecast that it’s definitely not going to rain”.

I am fed up of checking the weather app and having WhatsApp conversations along the lines of “oh the forecast has changed, light showers at 7pm now, can you do Thursday instead?”
Not without leaving young children to fend for themselves, no, no I can’t!

And what would she (and pps above) have done if they had a job that required them to work with large numbers of people? Plenty of supermarket workers, prison staff, teachers etc have CV relatives, or indeed are CV themselves, and just have to get on with it. I'm not sure why the 'we're still cautious' attitude rubs me up the wrong way because I know it's illogical and it shouldn't be a race to the bottom, but it just seems unfair when so many people don't have a choice about being careful, and didn't have a choice about working even before everyone was vaccinated.