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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend still insisting on meeting outside only

189 replies

Lemons1571 · 16/04/2022 22:17

Anyone else experiencing this? A meet up for coffee with a friend has been postponed several times because of bad weather, but she won’t go inside with anyone as is scared of catching covid. She helps her cv parent out, though is not a carer, so is still worried about the guilt of catching it and passing it to them.

She’s happy to rearrange a planned meet up at short notice (her kids are adults now) but short notice is a bit of a nightmare for me juggling younger kids and childcare and no local family to help.

She does office work, but won’t sit with her team if she can help it, always sits at a bank of desks on her own.

So I guess AIBU to think that she needs to seek some help to move on a little? We are in the UK not Shanghai. There is an underlying insinuation that im not being flexible or understanding enough, because I can’t magic up childcare for these very short notice date changes.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 16/04/2022 23:55

How much of a friend…?

TheMoreYouKnow · 16/04/2022 23:59

She obviously concerned about her parents and very caring. A good friend would be more understanding. Maybe you'll have to meet up in the summer when the weathers more reliable. Support your friend. The numbers are high, local to where I live the hospital has a high number of cases, nearly 200 so she's not being hysterical. You should respect her wishes.

Lalliella · 17/04/2022 00:08

Her choice. I don’t blame her tbh, she presumably doesn’t want to give a potentially fatal illness to her cv parent. As a friend you should respect her choices. Going for a walk together is hardly a hardship.

Namesrus · 17/04/2022 00:09

I think PP’s have identified the best solution you invite her to your garden, unless she lives a big distance away or has a medical issue she shouldn’t need to use your bathroom during a short visit. Although unless her workplace has many toilets she must be sharing a toilet there? She is trying to protect her CV relative but you need to make it clearer that your responsibility is protecting your children and so you can’t just magic up decent childcare at a moments notice. If she says no to coming to your garden I think you have your answer, this friendship is done.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/04/2022 00:11

@Shiningpath

Sounds like she’s got a good reason and is trying to be as flexible as she can.

Sorry but you don’t sound like a good friend.

I agree. She has very good reason to be extremely cautious ,I'm surprised you can't see this OP.
saraclara · 17/04/2022 00:13

@Lalliella

Her choice. I don’t blame her tbh, she presumably doesn’t want to give a potentially fatal illness to her cv parent. As a friend you should respect her choices. Going for a walk together is hardly a hardship.
You've clearly not read the OP's posts. It's not about her resenting going for a walk, it's about the friend constantly asking OP to reschedule at late notice due to the weather, when there are childcare issues that make that a pain in the neck.
MyCatIsAJerk · 17/04/2022 00:34

I have a friend who won’t leave her house!
She won’t meet up for any reason, inside or out.
She won’t come to mine for lunch or a coffee (I’ve never had Covid & I’m fully vaccinated.)
She refuses to work.
She refuses to shop.
She refuses to go anywhere.
She refuses to listen to reason or logic.

At first this was quite frustrating, but now I think some people are just less capable of handling the stress of Covid and its repercussions than others.
I’d give your friend a pass.

EmmaH2022 · 17/04/2022 00:41

I have experienced this and just said no

She would be masked and keeping distance outdoors. I would be uncomfortable and then there's the issues with finding a loo. She has a garden but won't let me use the loo.

Just no point. Easier to have phone catch ups.

Momijin · 17/04/2022 00:45

I've only just started seeing a friend indoors since the pandemic began. She has diabetes so is very careful which I understand.

What does cv mean?

PickAChew · 17/04/2022 00:49

I would respect this. We're in spring. Cases are still very high. Even if it's chilly, you won't freeze your tits off.

Topseyt · 17/04/2022 00:55

@Imlovinglife

Let the hysterics hang out with the hysterics - outside and all masked up. I'm totally done with them by now.
Totally agree.

I'm afraid I just couldn't be arsed with this and have very fast dwindling supplies of sympathy for it.

NorthSouthcatlady · 17/04/2022 00:57

It’s very retro. How long is this going to go on for?! Ultimately people just need to a suck it up

Cauliflowersqueeze · 17/04/2022 01:09

I’d leave it till the summer to be honest. Maybe suggest a zoom chat one evening?

TheArtfulBlogger · 17/04/2022 01:31

Stop pandering to her. She doesn't want to meet up inside, has to cancel if weather's bad outside, makes stupid rules for using her loo and NOW is anti kid.

She must have a scintillating personality for you to keep bothering. Sounds like a PITA to me

Robinni · 17/04/2022 01:54

@Lemons1571 I am CV, as are my DH and DS. I currently have covid and they are staying elsewhere until I’m better. I caught it because I took my son to a birthday party, in an outside environment and one of the other parents must have passed it on.

I have spent time in only 4 other houses since the pandemic began - the friends we see most often also are CV so we have confidence they and their families are being safe. WFH and though I go out to cinema and restaurants if I can’t get 2m between I’ll leave. We’ve had to avoid some family for several months as they won’t get vaccinated - GP advice. So all in all it’s made life difficult.

As I say even with this abundance of caution I’ve ended up getting it and I’m upset that I have. I’ve known several CV people die, some even when vaccinated, some very young. Another had been hospitalised twice and was on a ventilator for 10wks the first time. I’m hoping I will be ok.

Your attitude lacks empathy and is quite self centred.

AmandaMirandaPanda · 17/04/2022 02:04

So I guess AIBU to think that she needs to seek some help to move on a little? We are in the UK not Shanghai. Yes, YABU here - you could have said the exact opposite at a few other times in the past 2 years and COVID still exists; we haven't seen the final outcome yet.

There is an underlying insinuation that im not being flexible or understanding enough, because I can’t magic up childcare for these very short notice date changes. YANBU, and if you're reading her right, she is BU.

You said maybe you need to be clearer, and it sounds right - she's not appreciating how shifting at the last minute causes problems with your responsibilities, especially childcare. If you think her misunderstanding is sincere, explain clearly (again)/more clearly, but you can't do what you can't do.

Can you perhaps put the whole thing off a bit? Not sure exactly where you are, but there should be consistently better weather from May on - easier to negotiate a little rain, too, if it's not also windy and cold.

erinaceus · 17/04/2022 02:08

Can you meet on Zoom? I think you need to be very clear with her how much the practicalities of short-notice rearranging are a problem for you. It sounds as if she is not tuned into your needs, or doesn't remember the practicalities of caring for young kids.

Robinni · 17/04/2022 02:14

Also - not to state the obvious, but we are still mid pandemic.

If you want to preserve the friendship you could both be more supportive of one another. Try zoom if she won’t meet up. Wait until the better weather comes in. Ask how their parent is and how they feel about it all. Likewise explain you are feeling stressed about the kids and childcare arrangements.

You may just have to let it go for a period of time, but please respect what they are going through it’s a difficult and unenviable position.

TalkingCat · 17/04/2022 02:50

What does CV mean?

TheOriginalEmu · 17/04/2022 03:05

@MrsTerryPratchett

That does sound harsh.
Indeed.

@HesterShaw1 so because someone is old we just shouldn’t be arsed trying to keep them safe?? Jesus Christ.

@Lemons1571 I can understand it’s frustrating, and it’s not really fair to be pissy with you if you can’t just change plans that easily, and I don’t even necessarily think you can do anything more than you are about anything- but just try and be patient, she’s not alone in feeling worried still, when you hsve a medically vulnerable person in your life it’s really scary worrying about them all the time.

jokalyn · 17/04/2022 03:08

I have a friend who isn't close but has depression and worried about Covid etc. Personally I've never been bothered about Covid, but if my friend is then that's all that matters. If she can't come for 3 years then I will support that, and she will still be my good friend when I see her. If you are bothered there you can make a compromise within friend x

HELLITHURT · 17/04/2022 03:46

@underneathleaf

And what would she (and pps above) have done if they had a job that required them to work with large numbers of people? Plenty of supermarket workers, prison staff, teachers etc have CV relatives, or indeed are CV themselves, and just have to get on with it. I'm not sure why the 'we're still cautious' attitude rubs me up the wrong way because I know it's illogical and it shouldn't be a race to the bottom, but it just seems unfair when so many people don't have a choice about being careful, and didn't have a choice about working even before everyone was vaccinated.
This exactly!

Sone people are so fucking sanctimonious, I'm still being cautious, I don't share a desk, I'm sensible, you lot are reckless.

Tell that to the huge amount of people that have to work dealing with people, in close proximity.

Strange that they expect these people to overcome any "health anxiety", not expect them to have CEV relatives.

HELLITHURT · 17/04/2022 03:49

@toconclude

Some extremely callous and unpleasant attitudes from some ignorant and selfish posters here Perhaps you might consider that we don't all want to kill off our vulnerable relatives and friends, even if you don't gaf about it.
Perhaps you'll understand that many of us have had to go back to work, which includes mixing with lots of people and we don't have the luxury of staying away from others.
ChampagneLassie · 17/04/2022 04:00

She's a bit anti-kid. Why are you friends with this woman? Honestly she sounds selfish, entitled and with little empathy. I'd just let it fade away

applesandoranges221 · 17/04/2022 06:25

Honestly I've been relatively lucky in that I only have a couple of people like this in my life and I've just faded them out. Life's too short!