Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend still insisting on meeting outside only

189 replies

Lemons1571 · 16/04/2022 22:17

Anyone else experiencing this? A meet up for coffee with a friend has been postponed several times because of bad weather, but she won’t go inside with anyone as is scared of catching covid. She helps her cv parent out, though is not a carer, so is still worried about the guilt of catching it and passing it to them.

She’s happy to rearrange a planned meet up at short notice (her kids are adults now) but short notice is a bit of a nightmare for me juggling younger kids and childcare and no local family to help.

She does office work, but won’t sit with her team if she can help it, always sits at a bank of desks on her own.

So I guess AIBU to think that she needs to seek some help to move on a little? We are in the UK not Shanghai. There is an underlying insinuation that im not being flexible or understanding enough, because I can’t magic up childcare for these very short notice date changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemons1571 · 16/04/2022 22:58

@FollowTheLizards meeting in her garden is ok. But weather dependent.

But there is a very detailed process to using her loo - I have to use a different entrance that avoids walking though any other part of her house apart from the hall and cloakroom. I felt very guilty needing to ask to use it at all actually. It was obviously an ask that caused her some anxiety and a bit of a waking on eggshells moment.

OP posts:
saraclara · 16/04/2022 22:59

[quote Lemons1571]@DoubleShotEspresso the stumbling block is, the onus is on me to “work something
out”. Which translates as “sort childcare with a few hours notice when we know from the forecast that it’s definitely not going to rain”.

I am fed up of checking the weather app and having WhatsApp conversations along the lines of “oh the forecast has changed, light showers at 7pm now, can you do Thursday instead?”
Not without leaving young children to fend for themselves, no, no I can’t![/quote]
I think you have to actually give her that last line and be quite blunt about it. No, you can't rearrange because it's annoying for those who are doing the childcare and who keep being messed around, and she needs to understand that.

Rewis · 16/04/2022 23:01

Is the westher turn off for you or for her or both of you? I'm just thinking does light showers really matter or could you still go for a walk in rain gear?

Tabasco007 · 16/04/2022 23:05

[quote Lemons1571]@Lincslady53 I’m not really sure how i can support her, as I can’t see her in person. I’m just not prepared to sit outside in the rain and tbh neither is she. She won’t go to a pub even on the outside covered tables, in case she needs the loo inside etc. What sort of support could I offer?[/quote]
Can you go round to one of your houses, both do a LTR beforehand?

Original poster
Lemons1571 · 16/04/2022 23:06

@Rewis both probably. She doesn’t want to meet in the rain, because she has flexibility to swap Wednesday evening for Thursday evening without a second thought. So it’s logical to just move the meet up back a day.

I don’t really want to sit in the rain but I am prepared to do so. As otherwise it feels like this meeting will never go ahead. But I still get requests to change the date and time with no notice.

Maybe I’m not being clear enough with her as to where I stand with this.

OP posts:
daysfilledwithdappledlight · 16/04/2022 23:06

@Magnoliayellowbird

1 in 12 people are reported to have Covid at the moment, and those figures are probably under estimated as no testing is required.

Your friend is still being sensibly cautious.

Agree with this. Sounds like she has a very good reason to still be cautious.

You both have different life situations which has led you to a different risk tolerance, hopefully as friends you'll be able to keep in touch and with the weather warming up meet up more often with ease.

saraclara · 16/04/2022 23:07

@Tabasco007 OP has already said she can only go in her friends garden, and even her asking to use the loo stressed her friend out.

Mariposista · 16/04/2022 23:07

Drop her like a hot brick. I agree with a PP, let the hysterical hang out with the hysterical. Enjoy time with normal people. Covid should not be an excuse for flaky behaviour anymore.

Lipsandlashes · 16/04/2022 23:07

I’m sorry to say that I have a friend who still hasn’t moved on from the pandemic. The kids are out of school for weeks and weeks at a time and none of them socialise. I have tried and tried but I’ve given up on her

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2022 23:08

@underneathleaf

And what would she (and pps above) have done if they had a job that required them to work with large numbers of people? Plenty of supermarket workers, prison staff, teachers etc have CV relatives, or indeed are CV themselves, and just have to get on with it. I'm not sure why the 'we're still cautious' attitude rubs me up the wrong way because I know it's illogical and it shouldn't be a race to the bottom, but it just seems unfair when so many people don't have a choice about being careful, and didn't have a choice about working even before everyone was vaccinated.
I worked through the whole pandemic. No WFH for me. I was incredibly careful outside work BECAUSE I couldn't be inside. I have vulnerable clients and was worried about causing an outbreak.

Everyone does their own risk assessment based on what they think.

Doesn't mean OP has to meet up.

WouldBeGood · 16/04/2022 23:08

YANBU. She sounds well OTT. I just couldn’t be arsed with that nonsense

TotallyTS · 16/04/2022 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/04/2022 23:11

[quote Lemons1571]@DoubleShotEspresso the stumbling block is, the onus is on me to “work something
out”. Which translates as “sort childcare with a few hours notice when we know from the forecast that it’s definitely not going to rain”.

I am fed up of checking the weather app and having WhatsApp conversations along the lines of “oh the forecast has changed, light showers at 7pm now, can you do Thursday instead?”
Not without leaving young children to fend for themselves, no, no I can’t![/quote]
And

"There is an underlying insinuation that im not being flexible or understanding enough, because I can’t magic up childcare for these very short notice date changes."

You're going to have to be blunt with her. Really blunt. Really really blunt. And actually, what you wrote here - "Not without leaving young children to fend for themselves, no, no I can’t!" might do the trick. Put the ball back in her court re flexibility. She has it, you don't - and she has to accept that.

toconclude · 16/04/2022 23:15

Some extremely callous and unpleasant attitudes from some ignorant and selfish posters here
Perhaps you might consider that we don't all want to kill off our vulnerable relatives and friends, even if you don't gaf about it.

FollowTheLizards · 16/04/2022 23:17

But there is a very detailed process to using her loo - I have to use a different entrance that avoids walking though any other part of her house apart from the hall and cloakroom. I felt very guilty needing to ask to use it at all actually. It was obviously an ask that caused her some anxiety and a bit of a waking on eggshells moment.

That would be a step too far for me. I would understand a friend not wanting to go out to the pub if they were caring for someone vulnerable and I would make the effort to visit with them at home. But if they're imposing weird rules on momentarily entering their house to use the loo when the risks are so tiny, I'd be swerving making any plans to meet them in the near future.

TheArtfulBlogger · 16/04/2022 23:19

Why cant she come round to your garden? Then it doesnt matter if she cancels as kids are in the house so no childcare needed

toomuchlaundry · 16/04/2022 23:19

Do one in 12 people have flu at the moment, for those posters comparing to what we do with flu?

Imlovinglife · 16/04/2022 23:21

@toomuchlaundry

Do one in 12 people have flu at the moment, for those posters comparing to what we do with flu?
The figure is just based on Fergie's modelling, so I wouldn't attach too much to it.
Macaroni46 · 16/04/2022 23:22

@underneathleaf totally agree. I can't be doing with the over cautious brigade. Some of us have had no option but to mingle amongst the unclean for the past 2 years.

DoubleShotEspresso · 16/04/2022 23:23

[quote Lemons1571]@DoubleShotEspresso the stumbling block is, the onus is on me to “work something
out”. Which translates as “sort childcare with a few hours notice when we know from the forecast that it’s definitely not going to rain”.

I am fed up of checking the weather app and having WhatsApp conversations along the lines of “oh the forecast has changed, light showers at 7pm now, can you do Thursday instead?”
Not without leaving young children to fend for themselves, no, no I can’t![/quote]
Do you have a garden OP? That way late notice/childcare less of an issue perhaps?

Original poster
Lemons1571 · 16/04/2022 23:29

Yes I do have a garden and it’s a possibility. She’s a bit anti kid though, no idea why, but I’m wondering if it would be an uncomfortable meet up with the kids in the house and maybe coming out to us - I’d end up dashing between friend and kids checking up and making sure everyone’s alright!

OP posts:
Laszlomydarling · 16/04/2022 23:30

I am still cautious about covid as I spend time with my elderly and vulnerable grandparents twice a week. I'm not hysterical, I simply want them to be as healthy as possible and not to risk causing them any suffering.

I can't imagine having an attitude of 'at 98 how long are they going to live anyway'. I love them dearly and they're more important to me than any of my friends. So if I don't feel like a plan is safe, I won't go. Similarly if I make a plan and find out one of the kids has been sick or got chicken pox or whatever, I won't go.

Yes they won't live much longer, but why would I risk cutting what time they do have left short?

DoubleShotEspresso · 16/04/2022 23:53

@Lemons1571

Yes I do have a garden and it’s a possibility. She’s a bit anti kid though, no idea why, but I’m wondering if it would be an uncomfortable meet up with the kids in the house and maybe coming out to us - I’d end up dashing between friend and kids checking up and making sure everyone’s alright!
Well then I suppose this is your perfect compromise/comeback? You're facilitating a meet up at short notice in an outside space. Im sure most people visiting a family household would expect/be happy if you need to monitor your children- that's pretty normal. Do you mean she's anti-kid generally or as a result of Covid fears? If the latter I think you've got to be more honest with her...
Chely · 16/04/2022 23:53

I wouldn't bother with her tbh. Fine wanting to do distance but constant short notice cancellations would annoy me.

UniversalAunt · 16/04/2022 23:55

How. Uclh of a friend is this person? Really?

You’ve just mentioned that ‘she’s a bit anti-kid’.
She sounds like hard work before Covid.

Your lives & priorities have diverged - it happens.
If she cannot flex & compromise as you are ready to do, then it’s time to leave her be & move on.