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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend still insisting on meeting outside only

189 replies

Lemons1571 · 16/04/2022 22:17

Anyone else experiencing this? A meet up for coffee with a friend has been postponed several times because of bad weather, but she won’t go inside with anyone as is scared of catching covid. She helps her cv parent out, though is not a carer, so is still worried about the guilt of catching it and passing it to them.

She’s happy to rearrange a planned meet up at short notice (her kids are adults now) but short notice is a bit of a nightmare for me juggling younger kids and childcare and no local family to help.

She does office work, but won’t sit with her team if she can help it, always sits at a bank of desks on her own.

So I guess AIBU to think that she needs to seek some help to move on a little? We are in the UK not Shanghai. There is an underlying insinuation that im not being flexible or understanding enough, because I can’t magic up childcare for these very short notice date changes.

OP posts:
ZarquonsSandals · 17/04/2022 08:53

I have a friend I haven't seen in 2 years for similar reasons. She is imminent suppressed (recently clear from chemo and radiotherapy) and her husband and mother for whom she cares are both CEV.
I have a primary school child so have to be available for drop off and pick up, which limits my daytime hours. As she works from home she's been able to carry on as normal, but we haven't been able to coordinate a meet up at a mutually convenient time.
I fully understand her concerns, covid is far from over and I have a friend who is CEV that would die if they caught it.
I'm hoping that now we are into better weather and having more places open with outdoor facilities that we may be able to catch up in the next few months.

toomuchlaundry · 17/04/2022 08:53

It is interesting that the people on this thread who are still being cautious are generally much nicer than some of those who have thrown caution to the wind

GoodSoup · 17/04/2022 08:57

The friend is absolutely entitled to make her own risk assessment. What she isn’t entitled to do is chop and change her plans and expect the OP to go along with them.

Understanding works both ways.

DesidaCrick · 17/04/2022 09:00

You have been very patient OP. I meet with a friend who has leukemia. She bought a gazebo for her garden and we sit in there to chat, whatever the weather. We’ve used it all winter, but now the weather is warming up it has gotten more pleasant! Could you together talk about organizing something like that?

It is sensible for your friend to be cautious. The COVID rates are really high and if the CV parents need hospital treatment, the wait times in A&E are horrendous. Catching COVID would also be bloody inconvenient for her and them even if symptoms turned out to be mild.

HardyBuckette · 17/04/2022 09:00

@GoodSoup

The friend is absolutely entitled to make her own risk assessment. What she isn’t entitled to do is chop and change her plans and expect the OP to go along with them.

Understanding works both ways.

I think this sums it up. OP is identifying the wrong part of this situation as the problem here.
CharityShopChic · 17/04/2022 09:00

@NorthSouthcatlady

It’s very retro. How long is this going to go on for?! Ultimately people just need to a suck it up
That's the thing, isn't it.

We have now reached the stage that the final restrictions are being removed - masks are FINALLY being ditched in Scotland tomorrow. We are not in April 2020 where we didn't really understand the virus and nobody had a vaccination. This friend is of course free to judge her own risk, but also has to accept that this means losing friends or her job.

Her choice to make. Personally I think she is very OTT and would be dropping her friendship and moving on.

DesidaCrick · 17/04/2022 09:06

This is not for the OP, but to other posters: Some people still need to shield for medical reasons. If an ECV person catches COVID on top of their medical condition, it could make them very sick. As the NHS is so stretched right now, then accessing treatment for serious complications is compromised.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 17/04/2022 09:10

I couldn't be doing with her either...life goes on....sadly some people seem to love the drama of Covid and want to be in lockdown forever.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/04/2022 09:12

Dh is CEV, in hospital and if I’m positive I can’t visit so I’m still meeting outside, wearing ppe etc.

Some of us don’t get to move onto the next stage of freeedom, we don’t get to book meals out or plan holidays and we’re not enjoying it.

AngelinaFibres · 17/04/2022 09:15

@metumble

I do know one person like this- practically still living like it’s lockdown. I understand the anxiety to a certain extent but I do wonder when exactly they will begin to return to normal, considering covid is here for good.
My SIL is still living like its lockdown. 53 , not health conditions. Sge works from home, has developed hobbies ( cooking, puzzles, reading,crochet) that mean she has a legitimate reason for never leaving the house. My brother goes for walks and does the food shopping to keep himself sane. He goes on short camping trips without her as he has a lot more leave than her. They did nanage to go to the Lake District last summer but she cleaned the rental house from top to bottom and washed everything in the cupboards before using it. She was in a state of anxiety the whole time
mythological · 17/04/2022 09:15

@Fluffycloudland77 Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2022 09:16

You are both being unreasonable.

There is an underlying insinuation that im not being flexible or understanding enough, because I can’t magic up childcare for these very short notice date changes.

This is not on but neither is you thinking she needs help and to move on. There's lots of Covid around, she has a perfectly good reason to be concerned. She should just also get your circumstances.

MrsJBaptiste · 17/04/2022 09:25

@toomuchlaundry

It is interesting that the people on this thread who are still being cautious are generally much nicer than some of those who have thrown caution to the wind
How on earth can you know that from a few sentences written here? 🙄
LakieLady · 17/04/2022 09:30

[quote Lemons1571]@Rewis both probably. She doesn’t want to meet in the rain, because she has flexibility to swap Wednesday evening for Thursday evening without a second thought. So it’s logical to just move the meet up back a day.

I don’t really want to sit in the rain but I am prepared to do so. As otherwise it feels like this meeting will never go ahead. But I still get requests to change the date and time with no notice.

Maybe I’m not being clear enough with her as to where I stand with this.[/quote]
I think you do need to be clearer, maybe not so much about where you stand, but about how difficult it is for you to rearrange things at short notice, and how cancelling prearranged childcare at the drop of a hat is unfair on those who help you with childcare. That will be easier for her to hear, imo.

I understand her difficulty, though, if she's supporting someone very elderly and vulnerable she needs to exercise more care than most.

I will only meet indoors at places that are generally quiet, and at times that are quieter. We're lucky here in that loads of pubs have covered outdoor spaces, so meeting for a drink or a meal isn't weather dependent. That doesn't resolve the need for a wee though!

I'd have thought that a mask and hand sanitiser would be enough by way of precautions.

I'm still cautious when it comes to meeting MIL, who's in her 80s. I'm seeing her today, so have done an LFT and I've worn a mask and used sanitiser in shops etc for the last few days, so unlikely to have picked up anything.

Innocenta · 17/04/2022 10:00

@Fluffycloudland77 Exactly, the people who act like it's a choice to be CEV / CV, or to be related to a CEV / CV person, have no idea what they're talking about and frankly, very little empathy. It's no fun having ongoing restrictions but Covid is a horrible way to go and I would prefer to avoid it if possible (CEV here and advised to continue shielding as much as possible).

Innocenta · 17/04/2022 10:02

@DesidaCrick

This is not for the OP, but to other posters: Some people still need to shield for medical reasons. If an ECV person catches COVID on top of their medical condition, it could make them very sick. As the NHS is so stretched right now, then accessing treatment for serious complications is compromised.
This! If you're literally being advised by your doctors to keep behaving the same way as during shielding, and your close family quite reasonably wants to protect you, then it's the height of unreasonable (and cruel, in fact) for twats on MN to say it's "hysterical" to follow that advice.
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 17/04/2022 10:07

@myusernamewastakenbyme

I couldn't be doing with her either...life goes on....sadly some people seem to love the drama of Covid and want to be in lockdown forever.
Yes, and I loved the drama of DM being told she had cancer on Christmas Eve too. Hmm 🙄🤔
Innocenta · 17/04/2022 10:13

@myusernamewastakenbyme Yes, I love the "drama" of not being able to go anywhere because I'm CEV. It's so fun for me to be restricted like this; I'm only in my early thirties. Enjoying every minute of it. There was definitely nothing else I wanted to do with this time. Hmm

zingally · 17/04/2022 10:57

I'd sack her off for now, to be honest.

Like someone said earlier, let the hysterics hang out with the hysterics. I had my first bout with covid 3 weeks ago, am triple-vaxxed, and honestly I've been to work before MUCH more poorly than I was with covid. I had 3 and a half days of feeling a bit achy and feverish, but nothing major.
My 66 year old mum has covid at the moment, and all she's got is a very mild cold and a bit of a headache.

Innocenta · 17/04/2022 11:16

@zingally Lovely for you that you had it mildly. Some people, I guess this is news to you, are vulnerable or extremely vulnerable. It is not hysterical to want to protect either yourself or the people you love; in fact it says a lot about you that you'd apply such a nasty and misogynistic label to others who are still obligated to continue with a greater level of restriction.

rookiemere · 17/04/2022 11:21

@zingally Weirdly not everyone experiences illness in the same way.
I'm certainly not restricting my movements but I respect others desire to do so, but the friend just sounds generally annoying so I'd stop
Seeing her because of that.

Robinni · 17/04/2022 11:23

@SpidersAreShitheads

^I should have added - I'm also very keen for my DC not to get COVID as they don't cope well with illness in themselves especially well. It can be pretty awful. Autistic overload goes into hyperdrive when they're unwell. And neither have been vaccinated as the nurses can't get near them with the needles.

Another big reason why I'm reticent to mingle right now.

@SpidersAreShitheads if they’re autistic that’s CV too, we received advance vacc offer and can request special accommodations for our son due to this (like not mixing with older kids in school), also can’t send him to child minder or wrap around which is a nuisance but accept it. He has other conditions too. Empathise vacc was a bit of a mare but we did all the explanatory stories in advance, nurses were great and only took a second, no 2 may be more tricky.

Not easy for you with CEV and the kids.

@Imlovinglife how ghastly, I don’t think any CV or CEV person wants to be pandered to. They want respect to get on with what they need to do. Everyone else is entitled to likewise do whatever they feel is appropriate for them.

CV/CEV and those who support them should not be forced to endanger their health/life because somebody can’t get a childminder.

Fizzbo · 17/04/2022 11:26

@toomuchlaundry I threw caution to the wind a year ago and I’m exceedingly lovely and very kind so your statement can’t be true! 😉

yogabbagabba134 · 17/04/2022 11:36

I don't understand the fear, vast majority of the population has been vaccinated AND we have the antivirals.

Imlovinglife · 17/04/2022 11:37

Whether or not we label only meeting outside with a mask on as "hysterical" or whether it is reasonable for a particular person's circumstances is beside the point.

The point is, it makes sense for people to hang out with people with whom they can agree terms.

eg I'm not into football, so if someone invited me to a match, I'd politely decline.

eg If someone suggested meeting but set a load of T&Cs I didn't like (like outside, masks, 2m etc) I'd also politely decline and leave them to hang out with people who are into all that.

You know, each to their own and all that. They can do their thing - being all scared. I'll do my thing, living normally.