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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

203 replies

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:32

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

OP posts:
Itsallaboutthebenjamins · 16/04/2022 21:37

Oh lovely do you have any older women to speak to? You seem very young and naive. LTB obviously he sounds like a typical horrible squaddie. Also why does he go drinking before work?! Seems odd. Anyway leave him. Hes abusive.

stevalnamechanger · 16/04/2022 21:39

He sounds awful . I wouldn't want to live with someone with such a low temper .

Can you get out safely ?

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:40

@Itsallaboutthebenjamins he doesn't drink, he never drinks alcohol. He goes for a few sociable juices before work lol. No I have no family whatsoever and not many friends. I just need to vent I feel so so lonely 😭

OP posts:
dudsville · 16/04/2022 21:40

I agree with the pp, this isn't a safe and healthy relationship. The way he acts isn't OK. This isn't what love looks like.

Imlovinglife · 16/04/2022 21:40

This reply has been deleted

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AgentProvocateur · 16/04/2022 21:41

Yes, you need to get out of this abusive relationship with your son. It’s not normal. And why are you doing 99% of the work? Set your standards higher.

PuppyMonkey · 16/04/2022 21:42

He sounds like a knob end.

Itsallaboutthebenjamins · 16/04/2022 21:43

[quote cttd1]@Itsallaboutthebenjamins he doesn't drink, he never drinks alcohol. He goes for a few sociable juices before work lol. No I have no family whatsoever and not many friends. I just need to vent I feel so so lonely 😭 [/quote]
Hoenstly LTB. Dont have anymore children with this man and make a better happer home for your DC.

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:43

I know what you guys are saying. I'm not in any danger at all, he adores me and his son and he hasn't got an aggressive streak with us at all. I don't want to leave him :( i know that's the only solution, I just wish he would change. His nice side we fit together perfectly, it feels different. But his bad side is draining :( we could have everything im just so confused as to what the problem is and why we can't have everything we want 😔

OP posts:
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:44

What does LTB mean guys?

OP posts:
longwayoff · 16/04/2022 21:44

No OP, there is not 'just one thing' that upsets your relationship, there's a whole bundle of resentful, simmering male fury. You need to seriously consider whether you feel safe enough to continue with your relationship, unless he's willing to have some treatment/counselling to address his issues. He's having a hard time adjusting to civilian life and needs some help.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 16/04/2022 21:45

I have a solution but you've said you just want to vent for now.
So tonight vent away, get it all off your chest.

Just an option for future reference: Maybe write down how he's making you feel for him to read, perhaps being able to read how he is making you feel without conversation could be a helpful way of him gaining understanding and it'll give you the chance to say what you need to without being sidetracked with defence.

Hopefully you have a chance to relax tonight.

Itsallaboutthebenjamins · 16/04/2022 21:46

@cttd1

I know what you guys are saying. I'm not in any danger at all, he adores me and his son and he hasn't got an aggressive streak with us at all. I don't want to leave him :( i know that's the only solution, I just wish he would change. His nice side we fit together perfectly, it feels different. But his bad side is draining :( we could have everything im just so confused as to what the problem is and why we can't have everything we want 😔
🙄 he doesnt adore you. Re read your post.
bloodywhitecat · 16/04/2022 21:46

Your time together isn't so easy though is it? It's easy if you are doing all the leg work and so long as nothing happens to upset him. It sounds like most of your life is spent walking on eggshells.

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:47

@longwayoff

No OP, there is not 'just one thing' that upsets your relationship, there's a whole bundle of resentful, simmering male fury. You need to seriously consider whether you feel safe enough to continue with your relationship, unless he's willing to have some treatment/counselling to address his issues. He's having a hard time adjusting to civilian life and needs some help.
He was only in the army 2 years he left because he hated it and he has this anger way before joining the army :/ there is a lot wrong with our relationship I know I'm so confused and upset as to why it's not working.

I'm not in any danger and neither is my son, he hasn't got it in him he does adore us I'm just so confused as to what the hell is going on right now!

OP posts:
Cocodreams · 16/04/2022 21:47

You can’t change someone, they have to want to change themselves. He is not a good man and you don’t have to live like this.

Contact Women’s Aid for advice.

And what is with the drinking just before going to work? I assume you mean alcohol and not soft drinks/coffee?! That is very, very odd and I’d wonder what kind of employer finds that acceptable.

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:50

Part of me doesn't want to leave him because I don't trust him with our son on the weekends he would have him (he would be safe!) but he had no clue what to do with him because I've done it all. He doesn't know what he needs when he cries EVER. He loves him so much but he has no clue what to do. No clue how to get him to sleep (our son can't self soothe) and no clue how to keep him entertained, it's a huge worry

OP posts:
Bunnybingesoneggs · 16/04/2022 21:50

Either he seeks anger management or you need to remove your dc from such an environment.. If your neighbours report him you could end up with ss involvement... How will you justify your dc living with him?

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:52

@Bunnybingesoneggs

Either he seeks anger management or you need to remove your dc from such an environment.. If your neighbours report him you could end up with ss involvement... How will you justify your dc living with him?
We never shout at each other or scream, so neighbours won't report. I wouldn't let him shout in front of my son
OP posts:
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:52

I just wish he would cheat on me and leave me to make it easier I physically can't do it :(

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 16/04/2022 21:53

He isn’t going to change just because you want him to

LakieLady · 16/04/2022 21:53

He's got a foul temper and he needs to learn how to control it. And he's verbally abusive to you, OP.

I'd be insisting he gets counselling for his anger issues if I was in your shoes, OP, and if he refused, I'd want him gone.

Bunnybingesoneggs · 16/04/2022 21:56

Give him time op.. You can't control him or his temper.
Sorry but you are deluded.

larkstar · 16/04/2022 21:57

I think you are being very naive - IMHO (based on ex-marine BIL who I've known for over 40 years and a couple of other ex-military guys - including my father) - this relationship could see-saw into something very unpleasant for you and your son that no amount of apologies and promises will fix - he needs help to change. Has he seen active service? Is he experiencing Post Traumatic Stress over something? Your priority is to protect yourself and your son. It sounds like driving a lovely car with defective breaks - think of the consequences if they fail. In order to train good soldiers - and IMHO - we have great military people - the Army really does screw up a lot of people - for life. I doubt you'll listen to anything being said TBH - there are hard decisions to be made.

MrsOosh77 · 16/04/2022 21:58

You say that he’s been worse over the last 8 weeks and also mention preparing gym meals. Do you think he might have started using steroids at all?