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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

203 replies

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 21:32

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

OP posts:
tss67 · 16/04/2022 21:58

You're stating that he isn't any harm to you or your son but he is slamming breaks harshly whilst driving with you both in the car.

Theunamedcat · 16/04/2022 22:00

Slamming on the breaks in the car can injure a child physically

Being around a man like this can injure a child emotionally

Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:03

@Bunnybingesoneggs

Give him time op.. You can't control him or his temper. Sorry but you are deluded.
Deluded? I'm a 24 year old young mum stuck in clearly an Abu ive relationship because I'm pretty much in denial about it? I've needed to vent not be called deluded. Thanks
OP posts:
Crazyinlove123 · 16/04/2022 22:03

So he has had anger issues for ages, you always piss him off even when you do absolutely everything, he wouldn’t know how to look after your son? I’m not sure what he is actually offering here. You seem to be walking on eggshells in case something sets him off. Who can live like that? I’m telling you from experience things won’t change.

Calmdown14 · 16/04/2022 22:03

I noticed you mentioned'gym prep food'. Just for process of elimination if this has escalated in the last eight weeks, is there a chance he's using steroids?
Mood changes, increased anger and low sex drive would all fit

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/04/2022 22:04

I am very sorry OP. You either have to confront him and insist he deals with his anger issues via counselling and courses - or you just leave.

You might be better to just fit your losses and go. It sounds like he is a terrible partner and that’s unlikely to change.

WomblingWilma · 16/04/2022 22:04

Agree that he doesn’t sound like a decent guy at all. My DD is a similar age to you and if she was with a sexist, lazy pig like this who left her to do everything and who speaks to her like yours does, I’d be strongly encouraging her to get rid after telling him clearly what I thought of him myself.

Men don’t suddenly start being decent after being horrible, it’s the other way round and likely to get worse. You sound as if you’re afraid to ask him to do anything for his own child.

No one on here can answer why he’s ramped up his arseholery now. Could be he’s bored of the relationship and being a Dad, could be he’s got his eye on someone else, could be he’s just showing you who he is and you’re only starting to realise now.

I feel terrible for you that you don’t have any family or anyone to support you so will probably be stuck with him. Can you speak to your Health Visitor to see if there are support groups in your area, Meet a Mum etc?

Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:05

@Crazyinlove123

So he has had anger issues for ages, you always piss him off even when you do absolutely everything, he wouldn’t know how to look after your son? I’m not sure what he is actually offering here. You seem to be walking on eggshells in case something sets him off. Who can live like that? I’m telling you from experience things won’t change.
I know all of this :( you aren't wrong! He does offer me a lot, the plans we have, the little thoughtful things he does for me, the laughs we have are unreal. And I get his good side everyday but then it just turns quickly :(
OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 16/04/2022 22:06

@cttd1

I just wish he would cheat on me and leave me to make it easier I physically can't do it :(
You sound so down OP. I think you are minimising the situation by saying you’re safe and he’s not aggressive because you’ve described a few aggressive incidents here - just not him physically assaulting you.

It’s sad that you feel perhaps if he cheated things could end - you know, a lot of people think that way when in a toxic relationship (which this is i’m afraid). For some reason, ‘cheating’ seems to be a kind of line in the sand for many people but they are willing to put up with so much else in the way of poor behaviour. Perhaps it would be good for you to think about what cheating means - it means being betrayed by someone and your trust broken at heart. And he’s already doing that by being aggressive and not making an effort with his son to learn how to parent properly, and leaving 99% of things to you - not to mention being rude and uncaring to you. After spending so long together don’t you see that in itself as a betrayal?

lemongreentea · 16/04/2022 22:06

Sorry OP but is he uneducated and a bit thick? He sounds awful

Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:07

@Calmdown14

I noticed you mentioned'gym prep food'. Just for process of elimination if this has escalated in the last eight weeks, is there a chance he's using steroids? Mood changes, increased anger and low sex drive would all fit
Yeah he has done steroids but he finished his last course about 3 months ago (he's very open about it) and he's fine when he's taking them which is why I'm confused as to why he's being a dick now
OP posts:
Dancer47 · 16/04/2022 22:09

You sound really a very nice young person, so I will try not to be too blunt.

I think he has settled down well before he was ready to. Far too young. No career, the army didn't work out, and you said you got him his current job.. He probably feels emasculated, frustrated and a failure. Not surprised you aren't having sex.

The one great thing is that he doesn't drink alcohol - that's excellent.

He has a very short fuse. I can't tell from reading what has caused this - him getting frustrated with kitchen implements etc - it sounds like he is frustrated and bored. He might mature into a good man, but he is way to young for you to know that. The temper thing is going to get very wearing and you are having to handle the baby on your own.

Could you get a babysitter and have a serious heart to heart with him about the way things are? Try and get him to open up to you and you will get your answer as to whether this is going to work. Perhaps he did not have a good childhood and problems are stemming from there as well?

Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:09

@PriestessofPing you are right. I agree with everything you've just said. I physically can't. I love him so much and all of the things I want in life I want with him. All of a sudden everything will be ok and I'll forget it all but then it happens again and again and again. I'm so so so upset. I feel lonely, lost, and tbh I feel bad for him. He doesn't have any family either... 0. His dad left when young and his mum is really not a great person. He would have no one, probably deserves no one but I see that sweet innocent kid in him that I see sometimes and I just feel awful, I know he won't change and I know I need to leave him, I just don't know how, it's like my mind and heart won't let me

OP posts:
Ottersmith · 16/04/2022 22:10

I know pulling yourself away from someone you love is nearly impossible. But somehow you need to find the strength to put in some boundaries so that you aren't doing everything and being treated this way. If he isn't willing to change at all then you just have to consider what your son will be witnessing. Do you want your son to treat his partner this way when he is grown up? Because he will as he is growing up thinking that treating women like shit is normal.

Are you in any Mums groups where you can chat to some women? It's hard to see things clearly when you have no one to bounce things off.

If you start to write down things he says to you then you might see a pattern of behaviour that is worse than you are realising. Why don't you have any friends / family? Does he have something to do with that?

Honestly raising your child on your own is easier than dealing with someone else's moods and expectations all day at the same time. You owe it to yourself and your child to make a plan improve your situation.

Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:12

@Dancer47

You sound really a very nice young person, so I will try not to be too blunt.

I think he has settled down well before he was ready to. Far too young. No career, the army didn't work out, and you said you got him his current job.. He probably feels emasculated, frustrated and a failure. Not surprised you aren't having sex.

The one great thing is that he doesn't drink alcohol - that's excellent.

He has a very short fuse. I can't tell from reading what has caused this - him getting frustrated with kitchen implements etc - it sounds like he is frustrated and bored. He might mature into a good man, but he is way to young for you to know that. The temper thing is going to get very wearing and you are having to handle the baby on your own.

Could you get a babysitter and have a serious heart to heart with him about the way things are? Try and get him to open up to you and you will get your answer as to whether this is going to work. Perhaps he did not have a good childhood and problems are stemming from there as well?

Thank you, hand on my heart I just want to he happy, and for him to be happy. All of these thoughts have crossed my mind. He said before he left "I love you to bits I can't do this arguing anymore I'm sick of it it's depressing me" we do argue a lot atm but most the time because he's not there for me emotionally it's like he doesn't get it, which frustrates me and makes me feel lonely, he here frustrated because he doesn't see why the things he says/does sometimes upset me. We have a lot of heart to hearts and deep conversations but nothings changed as of yet, I guess it never will, I just wish it could
OP posts:
Movetothebeat · 16/04/2022 22:14

Do seek some counselling for you from Women’s Aid or talk to your HV to help you work through your feelings. This isn’t going to get better and you can’t change him.

What you have with this man isn’t what love looks like in relationship. A man who has no clue, and no interest, in what to do to care for their 10 month old baby is not a good and loving dad either.

Dancer47 · 16/04/2022 22:15

Ignore my post.
While I was composing it, you mentioned he takes steroids.
For a whole host of reasons, not only roid rage, I wouldn't want a man like that. Desperate vanity - instead of doing it the proper way in the gym, he wants the steroid short cut. He doesn;t give a shit for his health long term. Not surprised he isn't interested in sex much when any normal 25 year old would be all over you like a cheap coat 24.7.

Think seriously about your future. x

RedHelenB · 16/04/2022 22:15

@cttd1

I just wish he would cheat on me and leave me to make it easier I physically can't do it :(
What do you want from any advice? For a parent who dotes on their spouse and child he's not acting like it if he doesn't take any care of them, e.g.nappy chsnges, making you dinner etc.
Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:16

@Ottersmith

I know pulling yourself away from someone you love is nearly impossible. But somehow you need to find the strength to put in some boundaries so that you aren't doing everything and being treated this way. If he isn't willing to change at all then you just have to consider what your son will be witnessing. Do you want your son to treat his partner this way when he is grown up? Because he will as he is growing up thinking that treating women like shit is normal.

Are you in any Mums groups where you can chat to some women? It's hard to see things clearly when you have no one to bounce things off.

If you start to write down things he says to you then you might see a pattern of behaviour that is worse than you are realising. Why don't you have any friends / family? Does he have something to do with that?

Honestly raising your child on your own is easier than dealing with someone else's moods and expectations all day at the same time. You owe it to yourself and your child to make a plan improve your situation.

My mums really abusive, really bitter and blames the world for her problems. Fell out with me because I didn't go see her Mother's Day because me and DC had a sickness bug. My dads married and has such a hard time from my mum he now has mental health issues and lives a simple life and keeps himself to himself unless I reach out (he is crazy and will probably try to fight my partner so... not a great option) my sister has bad mental health due to my mum and how she brought us up. I need to find the strength and maybe one day I will I just don't want it be labelled the bad one! I so desperately want that perfect family that I didn't have so I'm clinging on, I will find the strength eventually! I just wish he could leave me and make this easier for me :(
OP posts:
WimpyKidYouNot · 16/04/2022 22:18

This isn’t an AIBU, it needs moving to the relationship board.

He is abusive Flowers

Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:18

@Dancer47

Ignore my post. While I was composing it, you mentioned he takes steroids. For a whole host of reasons, not only roid rage, I wouldn't want a man like that. Desperate vanity - instead of doing it the proper way in the gym, he wants the steroid short cut. He doesn;t give a shit for his health long term. Not surprised he isn't interested in sex much when any normal 25 year old would be all over you like a cheap coat 24.7.

Think seriously about your future. x

He wants to compete and a lot of guys who compete take steroids. Tbh in all fairness he's done steroids a while and I never notice a different when he's on (he does cycles where he has a few weeks on and then few months off) this anger has been there before he even started taking steroids. Like he's always been annoyed at pointless stuff that just does not matter. I know I could find someone that would treat me how I want and is carefree like me I'm just so heartbroken that it won't be him
OP posts:
alittlefickle · 16/04/2022 22:18

I'm not going to judge but the one thing I will say is that you say you're safe and he's not aggressive, however the 'road rage' could potentially put you in a very harmful situation.

You are so very young, and I feel for you cause I was a mum at 23 so I know what it's like. The last thing that you need is to be exhausting yourself mentally/emotionally and physically 'cause you have a baby to be there for.

I would TRY and have a rational conversation with him expressing how you feel he's changed recently and perhaps it's something you could both work through together ... Don't go into the discussion finger pointing and blaming cause that'll just get his back up straight away.

Good luck x

Original poster
cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:19

@WimpyKidYouNot

This isn’t an AIBU, it needs moving to the relationship board.

He is abusive Flowers

Sorry I know! I posted it here as I knew I wouldn't get any replies in the relationship board and just needed to speak to someone x
OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 16/04/2022 22:19

sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

And then you said he doesn't shout at you ..... well yes, he does. You said it in your OP.

That and the steroids would have me straight out of this relationship.

cumonilean · 16/04/2022 22:21

Someone once said to me we settle for the love we think we deserve. This is what you are doing. You deserve better though.