Page 3 | VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

alittlefickle · 16/04/2022 22:24

Oh... I've just seen he takes steroids!
There's your answer!

His anger is worse due to the steroid use, it's called 'roid rage' for a reason!

Not acceptable.

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:25

@alittlefickle

Oh... I've just seen he takes steroids! There's your answer!

His anger is worse due to the steroid use, it's called 'roid rage' for a reason!

Not acceptable.

I get why people say that but I'm all fairness his anger is like a personality trait it's been like this before he joined the army or started taking them. He's currently not taken steroids for 3 months (he's very open about it I know where he keeps them etc) so it can't be that as it's the last 8 weeks that have been bad

OP posts:

PriestessofPing · 16/04/2022 22:26

I’m so sorry OP, it’s clear you are really hurting. I’m sorry he’s had a bad life but from your post so have you, and it’s not made you into someone aggressive who doesn’t parent her child.

It’s no wonder you want to cling on to your idea of a perfect family - and your idea of him as your perfect partner. So much that you are prepared to do so much for him - and yet he still gives so little back and actually is abusive towards you with his behaviour.

There’s a really old thread in the relationship section that used to be pinned because so many people found it helpful - it’s here : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You have clearly suffered a lot in your life and perhaps what he dishes out to you now feels small compared to what your mother did. But as the post I linked above says - “Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.”

To move forward is painful because it involves facing the truth of your relationship rather than how it could be or your hopes for what you want. But you’re doing that right now by posting here, that’s an excellent first step.

DrBrennerFan · 16/04/2022 22:27

He won’t change you know they never do mines been as good as gold and very well behaved because I’ve done my back in but once I’m back on my feel he’ll go back to grumpy self .

Tittyfilarious81 · 16/04/2022 22:30

Is his 2 ND job a doorman by any chance ?

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:32

@Tittyfilarious81

Is his 2 ND job a doorman by any chance ?

You are correct 👀 why do you ask?

OP posts:

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:33

@PriestessofPing

I’m so sorry OP, it’s clear you are really hurting. I’m sorry he’s had a bad life but from your post so have you, and it’s not made you into someone aggressive who doesn’t parent her child.

It’s no wonder you want to cling on to your idea of a perfect family - and your idea of him as your perfect partner. So much that you are prepared to do so much for him - and yet he still gives so little back and actually is abusive towards you with his behaviour.

There’s a really old thread in the relationship section that used to be pinned because so many people found it helpful - it’s here : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You have clearly suffered a lot in your life and perhaps what he dishes out to you now feels small compared to what your mother did. But as the post I linked above says - “Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.”

To move forward is painful because it involves facing the truth of your relationship rather than how it could be or your hopes for what you want. But you’re doing that right now by posting here, that’s an excellent first step.

I will have a read now, thank you so much x

OP posts:

Dancer47 · 16/04/2022 22:33

OP:
"He wants to compete and a lot of guys who compete take steroids. Tbh in all fairness he's done steroids a while and I never notice a different when he's on (he does cycles where he has a few weeks on and then few months off) this anger has been there before he even started taking steroids. Like he's always been annoyed at pointless stuff that just does not matter. I know I could find someone that would treat me how I want and is carefree like me I'm just so heartbroken that it won't be him"

I see OP - he's a lifter/bodybuilder.
I'm sure you know that long-term. steroid use is a very bad thing.
I really hope things work out for you and baby.
I totally understand how you wish it could work out for you all as a family, but maybe it can't. It's so hard.

Regularsizedrudy · 16/04/2022 22:33

It’s not working because he’s a horrible person. You say he’s not aggressive with you or your son but you have described clear instances of aggression. Why are you bending over backwards for this man? Your living like a 1950s housewife. Making all the effort while he makes none. He does not adore you, these are not the actions of a man that adores you. You need to get angry.

Booboobibles · 16/04/2022 22:36

You need to read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

You’re very young and naive and you don’t seem to understand that you’re in an abusive relationship.

I ended up in one in my thirties so I’m not being at all patronising (my marriage was a bit abusive - which I didn’t have a clue about - but the relationship that followed was very emotionally abusive). My boyfriend was also lovely a lot of the time and hilariously funny. No one has ever made me laugh that much but he seemed to be angry and irritated most of the time and constantly trying to hold back the anger. He was ok when everything was going smoothly but he couldn’t deal with any stress and the slightest thing would set him off. It turned out that he had borderline personality disorder. I was so naive (I’m autistic) and he was attracted to me because of that.

He’s done me a favour in a way because once I did my research I realised that many of my relationships over the years have been abusive. I always think it’s helpful to reverse roles and imagine yourself acting like he does…it helps you realise how completely unacceptable it is.

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:36

@Dancer47

OP: "He wants to compete and a lot of guys who compete take steroids. Tbh in all fairness he's done steroids a while and I never notice a different when he's on (he does cycles where he has a few weeks on and then few months off) this anger has been there before he even started taking steroids. Like he's always been annoyed at pointless stuff that just does not matter. I know I could find someone that would treat me how I want and is carefree like me I'm just so heartbroken that it won't be him"

I see OP - he's a lifter/bodybuilder.
I'm sure you know that long-term. steroid use is a very bad thing.
I really hope things work out for you and baby.
I totally understand how you wish it could work out for you all as a family, but maybe it can't. It's so hard.

He's very unconfident he really struggles it's the only thing that makes him feel like he's a man apparently? Idk

Thank you so much for your kind words I feel good for venting to be honest I needed to get it off my chest!

I've taken in what everyone's said I really have, part of me knows we're never going to work, I just don't know how to do the next part I guess

OP posts:

GucciBear · 16/04/2022 22:36

I really could not live with such an ignorant oaf. Dreadful example for your child.

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:37

@GucciBear

I really could not live with such an ignorant oaf. Dreadful example for your child.

You've stated the obvious, thanks x

OP posts:

Tittyfilarious81 · 16/04/2022 22:40

@cttd1 I asked because my friend went through something very similar many years ago her DP took a 2 ND job as a doorman and not long after started treating her like shit always blaming her for everything she walked on eggshells with his mood , he took steroid too . Long story short is he wanted to rid of her because he wanted to be free to sleep with other girls like some of his mates were so he forced her into ending it . I'm not saying this is what's going on with your partner but 8 weeks with no sex and treating you like shit all of a sudden seems suspicious x

Sarkymarky · 16/04/2022 22:41

I found his new job??
Why??? Are you taking on all the responsibilities because you know he is not capable. You have one dc to look after not two. He is using you my lovely and abusive please leave him he does not sound quite stable

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:43

[quote Tittyfilarious81]@cttd1 I asked because my friend went through something very similar many years ago her DP took a 2 ND job as a doorman and not long after started treating her like shit always blaming her for everything she walked on eggshells with his mood , he took steroid too . Long story short is he wanted to rid of her because he wanted to be free to sleep with other girls like some of his mates were so he forced her into ending it . I'm not saying this is what's going on with your partner but 8 weeks with no sex and treating you like shit all of a sudden seems suspicious x[/quote]
I did think that at first because I'm very insecure! But he is very against that he comes back and tell me which mates do that and which mates don't and calls them losers. So I just highly doubt it! Ive even come out and asked him like do you want to he free and be able to do what you want or? He said no 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:44

@Sarkymarky

I found his new job?? Why??? Are you taking on all the responsibilities because you know he is not capable. You have one dc to look after not two. He is using you my lovely and abusive please leave him he does not sound quite stable

He struggles yeah and I know he would struggle even more if he didn't find something soon. I used to work in recruitment so it's kind of my skill if you like. It is starting to feel that way; my days are much less stressful when he's at work tbh

OP posts:

minou123 · 16/04/2022 22:46

Its good you are talking to someone about this, even if it's to strangers.

I know you want to vent, but it's hard not to give you advice

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising. I remember being 24 and thinking there was so much time. But then one day you wake up and you are 40.

I get you, you are hoping he will suddenly change and be the man you need him to be.
He won't and he can't.
Don't wake up at 40 and regret staying with him.
Don't settle for mediocre.

Original poster

cttd1 · 16/04/2022 22:48

@minou123

Its good you are talking to someone about this, even if it's to strangers.

I know you want to vent, but it's hard not to give you advice

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising. I remember being 24 and thinking there was so much time. But then one day you wake up and you are 40.

I get you, you are hoping he will suddenly change and be the man you need him to be.
He won't and he can't.
Don't wake up at 40 and regret staying with him.
Don't settle for mediocre.

That's honestly what I'm stressing about, I'm washing so much time and probably giving myself so many wrinkles right now (lol) I know we're done really, I'm just trying to find the right time so say look this isn't working what do we do. I'm such a weak person I don't even know how to break up with someone. Ah idk everything's a mess right now

OP posts:

Cauliflowersqueeze · 16/04/2022 22:50

I don’t think either of you have a stable background and examples of positive calm and respectful relationships with parents to be able to draw on. You are both also very young.

Things cannot continue as they are and if you carry on doing what you’re doing you’ll carry on getting what you’re getting.

I’d say he needs some anger management counselling and some assistance on building up his self esteem and learning what it is to be a kind and disciplined man. And I also think you could do with some counselling of some sort to establish what your boundaries are and what sorts of behaviours are “red flags” because what you are describing sounds like a simmering problem that could boil over quite quickly. The “good” and “fun” times are quite few and far between now. Good luck OP.

Dancer47 · 16/04/2022 22:50

OP:
"He's very unconfident he really struggles it's the only thing that makes him feel like he's a man apparently? Idk
Thank you so much for your kind words I feel good for venting to be honest I needed to get it off my chest!
I've taken in what everyone's said I really have, part of me knows we're never going to work, I just don't know how to do the next part I guess"

I totally understand what you said about him lacking confidence and doing bodybuilding to deal with that. He also probably does door work for the same reason. He may not have had a great father figure or a good role model, so is trying to work it out on his own. You can't help him work out his masculinity, and this is something a lot of young men face when they have had no good role model. The problem is that you are going to have a lot of hassle and grief while he tries to work this out. It could take him years, if ever, to get balanced and confident and comfortable in himself.

Maybe you are the kind of person who likes to help people out and never walks away from someone in trouble - yes? You look at your partner and see a child who had a hard life and you love him and feel you can never desert him. I get that as well - but - you have to put yourself and the baby before him.

He will be okay. He has a job and friends, and his youth. I really feel for you and wish you all the best. if you do split, please develop some great friendships - not just with other mums, but all sorts of people - make your own solid group of support for you and baby.

cherish123 · 16/04/2022 22:50

I think he does sound immature. Not making excuses for him but he is very young and has had to grow up quickly. You seem the organised, calm one.

cherish123 · 16/04/2022 22:50

Do you have local support?

violetbunny · 16/04/2022 22:51

He's being a dick now because he's got you where he wants you and he believes you are unlikely to leave. Unfortunately it's not uncommon.

He isn't a nice man OP. He is "nice" so long as everything is going his way and you are doing everything. That's how men like this stay in relationships so long. If they were horrible 100% of the time they know that no one would stay with them that long. He is treating you unacceptably. He is not going to change because he doesn't see a problem. Only you can change the situation by leaving.

Hawkins001 · 16/04/2022 22:52

@cttd1

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

Is he having an affair ?