VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

[cttd1]

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

Why don’t you just leave ??
Before he screws you up even more?

[quote CPL593H]**@Hawkins001* Do you know any links to military intelligence or black ops type missions and he's getting pressure from his bosses to complete or progress more with his missions and that could be what's driving his frustrations with others activities ?*

Hardly likely as he's an ex squaddie of 2 years in with a part time door job and a 'roid habit.[/quote]
These days depending on the mission spec, a person most would say would be unsuitable, could be the person needed for x mission, especially depending on the people involved in the group that the person being recruited would be infiltrating. Etc,

yes I could be completely wrong.

@GrazingSheep

Why don’t you just leave ?? Before he screws you up even more?

I didn't think of that? Problem solved guys thread over thanks for coming x

This guy doesn't add any value to your life or that of your DS. Find the strength to leave and make a better life for yourself.

@GrazingSheep

Why don’t you just leave ?? Before he screws you up even more?

Its not always that easy.

@Tubs11

This guy doesn't add any value to your life or that of your DS. Find the strength to leave and make a better life for yourself.

Trying :)

Contact woman's aid OP they will be able to help you.

Jesus @GrazingSheep give it a rest. This is a young woman who is clearly vulnerable, trying to come to terms with the fact she knows she needs to leave someone and is scared about that difficult prospect and looking for advice.

Your comments are cruel and offer nothing in the way of advice and support.

OP - don’t feed the grazing troll, ignore. There are many people on these boards who have been through what you are going through and will offer you support. I hope you can get some rest tonight. I think you’ve been courageous to post and to face that things aren’t right. There will be solutions for you, even though right now it might seem really tough. You’re clearly an intelligent, strong woman who wants the best for her baby. You will find a way out and towards a better life for you and your son.

From what you say about his childhood and that his issues started before the army. Try googling personality disorders and see if it fits.

If it does it explains why he is like he is and may give you some reassurance that it's nothing to do with you or your relationship just bad wiring in childhood and there are no easy fixes, it won't get better unless he wanted to, fought for treatment and put in 110%, even then no guarantees.

A little reading should also clue you up on the long term affects of his behaviour on your child.

Sorry OP, not what you wanted to hear

@cttd1

I know what you guys are saying. I'm not in any danger at all, he adores me and his son and he hasn't got an aggressive streak with us at all. I don't want to leave him :( i know that's the only solution, I just wish he would change. His nice side we fit together perfectly, it feels different. But his bad side is draining :( we could have everything im just so confused as to what the problem is and why we can't have everything we want 😔

Your mental health is not safe.

The screaming and yelling is abusive.

Please don’t teach your son this is how relationships are.

hasn't got an aggressive streak with us at all

Umm I beg to disagree. he's verbally abusive for a start. Making you miserable and walking on eggshells. He has anger issues (highly common in military) and you and his home environment are becoming more and more his figurative punchbag. Get out before it's literal punching.

I havent read the whole thread, just your comments, glad the nest of vipers have helped you unravel your thoughts and realise this relationship is unhealthy and the way he treats you unacceptable.

You only get one life, dont waste too long with this guy.

You need to do the Freedom Program, Darling. He has isolated you, made you entirely responsible for HIS happiness, the happiness of your relationship and the grunt work of your family. I suspect he has mental health problems and he is manipulating you. He is not at all the sweet, adorable man you keep saying that he is. That was an act to hook you in. Now that he thinks you’re trapped, the true side of him is free to come out. He’s aggressive, impulsive and resentful. You and your son are not 100% safe with him.

Jeez, give op a break! She is clearly going through a lot, she really doesn't need unhelpful, judgemental or plain nasty comments.

Op, ignore the toxic twats, listen to the really good advice that you've had. You know what you need to do, just please be careful, he has a temper and I'd hate to think you could get hurt. Take care.

@cttd1

Also guys. I won't say if we break up I will say when we break up because that's where we're heading... when we break up, I'm getting so frustrated at the thought of someone asking why we broke up and wondering what he will say. Hand on my heart I do nothing wrong, I can't I'm too scared if the stress it will cause. It's so annoying thinking about it.

It's just so hard, he's my life, all I've ever known. Despite all of the bad (a lot) he is just still for some reason my comfort and I hate that I love him so much. The thought of him not being here breaks my heart, I know I can't do anything or put up with this any longer... it's just breaking my heart thinking about it.

I'm getting so frustrated at the thought of someone asking why we broke up and wondering what he will say.

There's an old saying "Them that minds don't matter and them that matters don't mind". What do you care what he says? People who know and care about you will know the truth. If others believe his lies, well, you don't want them in your life anyway.

I'm saying this kindly, but you are putting obstacles in your own way. You're concentrating on "I can't". But you can. Women have walked out of abusive marriages (because that is what yours is) with nothing more than the clothes on their backs and their children in their arms. And they have made it and been happy. So can you, once you stop letting fear of 'failure' or guilt about 'what about him' put roadblocks in your way. Leaving an abusive marriage is a success, staying in one is a failure. And he'll be just fine. Men like that always are. He'll soon move on to another woman victim. But you will be FREE.

And remember, that violence always escalates, it never 'regresses'. He may be swearing at and throwing inanimate objects now, but soon that won't satisfy his anger. He'll look around for another channel for his rage. And there you'll be unless you get out now.

Contact WA and Rights of Women. Speak to them openly and honestly, they'll help you plan your exit.

As far as 'all I've ever known' and him being 'my life, that's not healthy given his behaviour. Have you heard of trauma bonding?

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#signs

@Iamtheweedonkey

Jeez, give op a break! She is clearly going through a lot, she really doesn't need unhelpful, judgemental or plain nasty comments.

Op, ignore the toxic twats, listen to the really good advice that you've had. You know what you need to do, just please be careful, he has a temper and I'd hate to think you could get hurt. Take care.

Thank you ♥️

@cttd1 it’s really scary isn’t it. As I say, I did 23 years and trust me, I left and let him back more than once, that was fear. The point at which I stuck to my guns was when I didn’t give a damn anymore, I thought zi had nothing left to lose. I wondered about the children (much older than yours) and how I’d manage but equally couldn’t take anymore of the madness. But zi did it, and you know whaT, it was hard, but I have never regretted it. It got easier as time went on and now, a few years down the line, I’m safe and happy. I have my own place and I love it. I go out and I do things with fr. Our children are far happier and none of them have any contact with him. That’s their decision.
Take your time, plan carefully, be safe. You can do this. 💐

[quote Gilead]@cttd1 it’s really scary isn’t it. As I say, I did 23 years and trust me, I left and let him back more than once, that was fear. The point at which I stuck to my guns was when I didn’t give a damn anymore, I thought zi had nothing left to lose. I wondered about the children (much older than yours) and how I’d manage but equally couldn’t take anymore of the madness. But zi did it, and you know whaT, it was hard, but I have never regretted it. It got easier as time went on and now, a few years down the line, I’m safe and happy. I have my own place and I love it. I go out and I do things with fr. Our children are far happier and none of them have any contact with him. That’s their decision.
Take your time, plan carefully, be safe. You can do this. 💐[/quote]
Thank you, I'm glad you're happy. Hoping one day I can finally be the same. Really appreciate the kind words and support x

@cttd1

So sorry I'm not replying to everyone guys I'm exhausted, my eyes feel heavy, I'm just sat in silence with my brain frazzled. I've just ate 4 bags of crisps and now regret it... I'm looking at the bottles I need to make and the shower I need to take and well I just CANT BE BOTHERED. I really appreciate everyone's supportive comments it means so much, I wish I could give you all a hug. I feel like I could really do with my mum right now. Upsets me so much that I don't have a relationship with her.

I don't have a relationship with my mum and when I feel like this I recognise that I want A mum, not my mum.

You can find similar support from other places.

Btw, he didn't "get himself chucked out of the army", the army don't like people with anger issues, I expect he wasn't capable of controlling himself and that got him chucked out and he excused it to himself (and you) that he didn't want to be in anyway so did it on purpose. And he's probably still angry about it and trying to prove he's "good enough".

It's a shame he doesn't see stepping up for his kid as a mark of being good enough, but he obviously doesn't.

@VanGoghsDog it was a voluntary discharge that they agreed too because he persisted too much, I've seen the paperwork? Not sticking to for him just stating that is the case.

I can get that from elsewhere you're right but I would love my own mum right now?

Honestly? I would bet my life he was under threat of disciplinary action and they offered him an honourable way out, it's very common.

Honestly, if you take out the baby and add in a ton of alcohol then I could’ve written this. I was married to an ex soldier for two years and was looking for an escape plan for most of that. His behaviour was exactly as you describe (he once struggled with a pizza cutter, screamed and threw it across the kitchen). I got into a cycle of, “Things will be better when…” but, as everyone has said, people don’t change and chances are it won’t get better. You can’t change this man and he clearly doesn’t want to change for you. Ignore everything he says and listen to what he does.

@LifeExperience

My ex was ostensibly against adultery and used to tell me about his friends who had affairs. Turns out his supposed honesty was designed to keep me in the dark, because he was having affairs, too. Don't fall for it.

I’m sorry op but I agree with this. Horrible to hear I know. Mine used to say to my questioning whether he was unfaithful “chance would be a fine thing”. I remember it vividly. Was 37 years ago. He was being unfaithful with multiple people.

Are you ok????
Your making every excuse and contradicting what you’ve written
“He shouted at you in the car…with your sin present….but you responded to another poster that he never shouts infront of the baby……ermm 1st of all you need to stop hanging onto a mirage of what he once was, your baby is getting older and will start to mimic the behaviour exhibited by this temper fuelled man!
Ultimately you want to rant….but your doing no good by making up pathetic excuses. He doesn’t “adore” you he sees you as his mom / help. Dfqqq making his gym food?? And he can’t even put a buggy in the boot im confused.
I hope it works out for you. But me personally I’d be gone!