VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

[cttd1]

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

@GrazingSheep

Why don’t you just leave ?? Before he screws you up even more?

Oh. That's so easy.

She has no job and no money.

Where do you suggest she 'just leaves' to?

She's come here, she's getting some good advice for how to plan to do just that.

@nearly8
@cttd1but I am looking at this from the angle of you wanting to stay in this relationship.

Ya think???

speak to him!! ask him if there's anything frustrating or annoying him
Tactfully start putting some of the jobs involving your son (bathtime, bedtime, bottle whichever) on his shoulders to see if it's because he feels left out

Oh for the love!! Pander to the little dear, why don't you?
This is a grown man on steroids, not a delicate little flower who can't work out that he needs to step up and parent his own child

Sometimes going from just the two of you to three of you can change much more in the relationship than you expect and/or realise and men have a funny way of communicating this. Let him know how much you love him, tell him you miss the special times you used to enjoy, make time for just you two (even if that means still being awake at 2am!) Me and my partner have been together 18 years and I'm currently pregnant with our 8th child. Sometimes, just to get an hour of uninterrupted time together we stay up wayyyyy past 3am but I never complain because I know how special that time is.
Like I said I know there will be women on here who don't agree with what I've said but if you feel that this relationship can work then maybe looking at things from his POV will help work things out. I wish you good luck.

When's he going to look at it from the OP's POV?
Being a Surrended Wife might work for you but not for 99.99% of the female population

The 1950s is calling. It misses you.

@cttd1

Ask for this to be moved to Relationships.

They will advise on how to look up what you'd be entitled to if you left and what other practical help you can get and agencies to contact.

There is a way, you just need to take a breath and look for it and the women on there will be behind you every step of the way

@cttd1
You’re young but you have a wise head on your shoulders. You sound like a decent person and you’re clearly bright and emotionally intelligent. You have a lot going for you and a lot to offer the world. I hope you can one day see your worth and that you are deserving of being in a relationship where you feel loved and equal. It’s hard to “just leave” and break the cycle. You’ve had a challenging upbringing. Yet, look at you, still standing and you’re very self aware. That’s half the battle.

I think you’d benefit from boosting your self esteem and building up your confidence. There are free online courses for things like this. You are worthy. Please believe me when I say this.

He’s using cocaine.

@nearly8 what a crock of misogynistic shit. I hope you're not teaching your 8 kids that the woman must pander to the man at all times. But you probably are.

@Darkroot

He’s using cocaine.

Tbh I did think this as well

Yeah I thought there would be a chance he is using coke too. But I do feel you OP I have been in a similar situation at a young age with a baby and it isn’t always as easy as just leaving. But ultimately that is what you’ll have to do because it won’t improve it will get

Worse

@nearly8

Your post is really sad.

I definitely seem to be out on a limb on my own here but men can be really strange sometimes and angry/aggressive outbursts can sometimes be borne purely out of frustration as they are afraid/ don't know how to voice their feelings.

There's never an excuse for getting angry or aggressive with your partner. That's not what a healthy or happy relationship looks like.

@Darkroot

He’s using cocaine.

I think you may be right!

I just wanted to tell you that some of his issues sounds like anabolic steroid withdrawal symptoms. Sorry if someone already mention this, I haven’t had the time to read the whole thread. www.nhs.uk/conditions/anabolic-steroid-misuse/

To all you women who replied to my post I'm glad you have found men who enjoy being emasculated and that you are comfortable advising a woman to grow children in a single parent family / combined step family before actually attempting to resolve the problems in the relationship.

OPs other half is clearly a troubled man who does not know or understand how to be a proper partner or father but all of you seem to think that because of that she should just give up and go it alone or find somebody else.

Also OP you seem to have jumped on this bandwagon despite stating in your original post that you love your other half and want to make the relationship work. If all you wanted was a load of women to back your decision to give up on your relationship because you chose the wrong man maybe you should have used better birth control or left him years ago.

Also to the idiot who accused me of bringing up my children to pander to men you must be joking - I would never allow my 6 daughters to be with such a waste of a man in the first place let alone have a baby with them and I would never allow my sons to treat anyone in such a manner nor get away with such childish and manipulative behaviour. HOWEVER OP has already got herself in this shit situation and her son deserves parents who don't crumble at the first sign of trouble. All this 'you can do it by yourself' talk is a load of bullshit and you all know it.

Most of you are so pig ignorant that this will fall on deaf ears but luckily I don't look to anyone to validate who I am or what I do so with the greatest of respect you can all go and whistle

@nearly8

All this 'you can do it by yourself' talk is a load of bullshit and you all know it.

Plenty of women raise children by themselves. No dad is better than a useless one who gets angry and aggressive. Why should the OP resign herself to spending the next 18 years walking around on eggshells and trying to change her behaviour to suit him so he doesn't feel emasculated? What a miserable way to live.

@SaggyBlinders I never suggested that this is how she should live. People on these forums are so quick to jump to an assumption rather than actually read what someone has written.

What I think she should do is accept that there needs to be some changes but not be so quick to end the relationship. Yes it may end up that she has to leave and this man can't scratch around in his boxers for any faint whiff of a ball but you can't hide from the fact that sometimes relationships take work and people need help. There are plenty of women who push their men to the side when it comes to taking care of children/housework then moan that the man does nothing. They are both still very young and if she has never placed any responsibility for childcare etc on him then I feel it needs both of them to work together to change the situation. Many of you have been quick to say 'if he loved his child he would do his fair share' but what if he has never handled a baby, cared for a baby, changed a nappy etc. It actually takes a lot for a man to say 'yes i need help with that' especially when prenatal care is mainly designed to help women (you can harp on all you like about the help being there but this guy obviously has issues to start with so I can hardly see him signing up for antenatal classes without having some sort of push in the right direction) OP has already stated he doesn't know how to soothe the baby, provide basic care for the baby but shouldn't they both have learned this together. A gentle 'try burping him' or 'maybe he's hungry' or 'is his nappy dirty' would help him to understand what the needs of the baby are. I mean I know lots of women will be smacking their heads saying 'but how does he not know this' or 'he should be in tune with his own child if he cared' but as I've said and will keep saying if he grew up with no younger siblings or nieces and nephews or cousins how do you just expect someone to know what to do with a baby? Coupled with a partner who then just takes it all on themselves without sharing the process the man can just feel completely useless and left out and stop trying. Like I said I have 8 children and I have an amazing partner who is also an amazing father but I'm not naïve or stupid enough to believe that all men are born like this.
Yes he may be a first class piece of shit - but he also may be feeling just as helpless, lost and unhappy as the OP and something as simple as talking (whether that be with professional help or not) could mean that OP and more importantly THEIR CHILD gets the happy ending they want and deserve.

Yes OP deserves to have a loving caring partner and to be happy, safe and nurtured in her relationship and if after trying to sort the problems he still refuses to engage by all means she should leave and find this elsewhere, however, as I said before she should not be so quick to give up without trying and part of that is to really look into what could be causing these issues and to me from some of the things that have been raised I think her partner is feeling useless, pushed out and emasculated and that is what is helping to fuel this aggressive short temper.

here is an example of how her son may be being treated in a few years time if she runs away from this relationship .......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4531868-to-not-have-bought-eggs-for-dscs?pg=1

@nearly8

If the OPs partner was being described as a bit grumpy, useless and drifting then your advice might well be worth a try.

She's described a man with a hair trigger temper who has the option of doing things for his son but flies off the handle when the smallest element goes wrong. He takes steroids. He is getting worse. What part of this makes you think that he is actually safe to be around a 10 month old baby? Forget the relationship, from a safeguarding perspective there are real concerns here.

@CPL593H you make a fair point and of course above everything the child's safety must come first. But you could also consider that if she just leaves and his behaviour is not addressed is could be even worse and more dangerous for any future partner/children. Not that this is OP's problem per se but while she still has a small chance of helping him I think for her son's sake she could at least try a nudge in the right direction.
Call me an eternal optimistic if you will but while he still has a chance I think he deserves it. OP also deserves to be happy and respected like I said - I think a lot of people on here were quick to judge my advice but I think raising a child single handedly should always be the last resort (I watched my sister struggle so much as a single parent and my nephew also suffered, my parents divorced shortly after she got pregnant at 17 leaving me (14) and my little brother 10 with our Dad and our sister fending for herself after her DP went down the same sort of spiral as OP so maybe you could say I'm a little biased as I have the advantage of hindsight and can see where this sorry mess could end up)

@cttd1 I'm sorry OP but this is classic Steroid withdrawal rage. Is he gurning at all? Also sounds very much like he could be trying to deal with this by taking cocaine. I'd bet all I own on it. I'm so sorry.

There are options. You could go into a Women's Aid Refuge (they're not as bad as they sound! Some are beautiful! And are filled with women & children just like yourself & your son). They will help you claim what you're entitled to and help you find more permanent housing. When you're in a Refuge, you're considered top of the queue for social housing. Refuges are exactly that - a refuge and are amazing! They have everything you'll need, including playrooms for kids, usually a big garden, it's completely secure and the locations are a closely guarded secret. Please call women's aid and at least discuss it with them

@nearly8

To all you women who replied to my post I'm glad you have found men who enjoy being emasculated and that you are comfortable advising a woman to grow children in a single parent family / combined step family before actually attempting to resolve the problems in the relationship.

OPs other half is clearly a troubled man who does not know or understand how to be a proper partner or father but all of you seem to think that because of that she should just give up and go it alone or find somebody else.

Also OP you seem to have jumped on this bandwagon despite stating in your original post that you love your other half and want to make the relationship work. If all you wanted was a load of women to back your decision to give up on your relationship because you chose the wrong man maybe you should have used better birth control or left him years ago.

Also to the idiot who accused me of bringing up my children to pander to men you must be joking - I would never allow my 6 daughters to be with such a waste of a man in the first place let alone have a baby with them and I would never allow my sons to treat anyone in such a manner nor get away with such childish and manipulative behaviour. HOWEVER OP has already got herself in this shit situation and her son deserves parents who don't crumble at the first sign of trouble. All this 'you can do it by yourself' talk is a load of bullshit and you all know it.

Most of you are so pig ignorant that this will fall on deaf ears but luckily I don't look to anyone to validate who I am or what I do so with the greatest of respect you can all go and whistle

When you say you wouldn't allow your daughters, how are you going to control them?

@nearly8

To all you women who replied to my post I'm glad you have found men who enjoy being emasculated and that you are comfortable advising a woman to grow children in a single parent family / combined step family before actually attempting to resolve the problems in the relationship.

OPs other half is clearly a troubled man who does not know or understand how to be a proper partner or father but all of you seem to think that because of that she should just give up and go it alone or find somebody else.

Also OP you seem to have jumped on this bandwagon despite stating in your original post that you love your other half and want to make the relationship work. If all you wanted was a load of women to back your decision to give up on your relationship because you chose the wrong man maybe you should have used better birth control or left him years ago.

Also to the idiot who accused me of bringing up my children to pander to men you must be joking - I would never allow my 6 daughters to be with such a waste of a man in the first place let alone have a baby with them and I would never allow my sons to treat anyone in such a manner nor get away with such childish and manipulative behaviour. HOWEVER OP has already got herself in this shit situation and her son deserves parents who don't crumble at the first sign of trouble. All this 'you can do it by yourself' talk is a load of bullshit and you all know it.

Most of you are so pig ignorant that this will fall on deaf ears but luckily I don't look to anyone to validate who I am or what I do so with the greatest of respect you can all go and whistle

Why because I responded to your frankly ridiculous post of "oh the poor man", do I emasculate my husband?

Not all me are bastards, but OP has one, he's dangerous and you are actively encouraging her to stay with him.

Shame on you!

I think you're a dreadful role model to your 6 daughters and your sons.

I haven't read the full thread but your post really struck a chord with me as my ex husband was like this too. He spent 6 years in the army and was such an angry person, both before he went in and after he came out. He would fly off the handle over nothing, smash the house up. I stayed because he never hurt me. Until he did.
You say you wish he would cheat and leave you so you clearly don't want to be with him. I know it isn't easy to leave, I put up with it for 9 years, but if you do want to leave there is help out there. Speak to CAB, have a look on Entitled to. If you want to stay then you need to speak to him, if you can. Explain how he is making you feel. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's awful, bit if he doesn't want to change he won't change, sadly.

[quote nearly8]@SaggyBlinders I never suggested that this is how she should live. People on these forums are so quick to jump to an assumption rather than actually read what someone has written.

What I think she should do is accept that there needs to be some changes but not be so quick to end the relationship. Yes it may end up that she has to leave and this man can't scratch around in his boxers for any faint whiff of a ball but you can't hide from the fact that sometimes relationships take work and people need help. There are plenty of women who push their men to the side when it comes to taking care of children/housework then moan that the man does nothing. They are both still very young and if she has never placed any responsibility for childcare etc on him then I feel it needs both of them to work together to change the situation. Many of you have been quick to say 'if he loved his child he would do his fair share' but what if he has never handled a baby, cared for a baby, changed a nappy etc. It actually takes a lot for a man to say 'yes i need help with that' especially when prenatal care is mainly designed to help women (you can harp on all you like about the help being there but this guy obviously has issues to start with so I can hardly see him signing up for antenatal classes without having some sort of push in the right direction) OP has already stated he doesn't know how to soothe the baby, provide basic care for the baby but shouldn't they both have learned this together. A gentle 'try burping him' or 'maybe he's hungry' or 'is his nappy dirty' would help him to understand what the needs of the baby are. I mean I know lots of women will be smacking their heads saying 'but how does he not know this' or 'he should be in tune with his own child if he cared' but as I've said and will keep saying if he grew up with no younger siblings or nieces and nephews or cousins how do you just expect someone to know what to do with a baby? Coupled with a partner who then just takes it all on themselves without sharing the process the man can just feel completely useless and left out and stop trying. Like I said I have 8 children and I have an amazing partner who is also an amazing father but I'm not naïve or stupid enough to believe that all men are born like this.
Yes he may be a first class piece of shit - but he also may be feeling just as helpless, lost and unhappy as the OP and something as simple as talking (whether that be with professional help or not) could mean that OP and more importantly THEIR CHILD gets the happy ending they want and deserve.

Yes OP deserves to have a loving caring partner and to be happy, safe and nurtured in her relationship and if after trying to sort the problems he still refuses to engage by all means she should leave and find this elsewhere, however, as I said before she should not be so quick to give up without trying and part of that is to really look into what could be causing these issues and to me from some of the things that have been raised I think her partner is feeling useless, pushed out and emasculated and that is what is helping to fuel this aggressive short temper.

here is an example of how her son may be being treated in a few years time if she runs away from this relationship .......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4531868-to-not-have-bought-eggs-for-dscs?pg=1[/quote]
nearly8, maybe you have a point and it is worth OP trying one time before ending it. I can see you were trying to help, and I don’t think you deserved the negativity and anger you got.

OP, to me your partner does sound abusive. But if it was me, maybe I would give him a chance to change. I would first work out a plan of how I could leave (say a refuge). Then I’d try and find a good time to talk (if you feel it would be safe) and say you can’t go on as things are and you will have to leave if he doesn’t change his behaviour towards you and the baby.

If that didn’t work I’d leave and hope for that to shock him into seeing how he’s been mistreating you and wanting to restrain himself in future. It may be a slim chance. He does sound immature: possibly if you set some boundaries he might grow up a bit. It sounds like leaving off the steroids would be a good idea.

Or maybe he’s having an affair and he wouldn’t be motivated to change. Or he’d promise change and not deliver it. But in either of those cases you’d know you’d done all you could.

@longwayoff

No OP, there is not 'just one thing' that upsets your relationship, there's a whole bundle of resentful, simmering male fury. You need to seriously consider whether you feel safe enough to continue with your relationship, unless he's willing to have some treatment/counselling to address his issues. He's having a hard time adjusting to civilian life and needs some help.

This.

He sounds like an extremely dangerous person. Please seek help.

@Calmdown14

I noticed you mentioned'gym prep food'. Just for process of elimination if this has escalated in the last eight weeks, is there a chance he's using steroids? Mood changes, increased anger and low sex drive would all fit

Yes, I thought the same.

"Roid rage" can be deadly.