VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

[cttd1]

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

cttd1 I just wanted to send you a hug and say I really sympathise.

You and your little boy deserve better. This isn’t how you should be treated. I know it’s hard, but I think you can get through leaving and things will be better on the other side. You don’t have to leave all at once: you can think about it and make a plan. I agree with what people have said about going to Women’s Aid.

I think tittyfilarious81 might be right. Something has changed in the last 8 weeks. Maybe it’s something like she thinks.

Sending you all best wishes. xx

@Itsallaboutthebenjamins

Oh lovely do you have any older women to speak to? You seem very young and naive. LTB obviously he sounds like a typical horrible squaddie. Also why does he go drinking before work?! Seems odd. Anyway leave him. Hes abusive.

What a patronising and grossly unhelpful thing to say Do you get a thrill out of kicking women when they're already way, way down? Wow

We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other

I’m sorry, but this just isn’t true, is it? People don’t treat their best friends the way he treats you. Your time together isn’t easy at all; it’s full of his temper tantrums and him having a go at you. He does nothing for you and nothing for himself. This isn’t love. You think it is because you’ve been with him for most of your adulthood and you haven’t experienced a functional adult relationship, so you think this is OK.

It is not. He is abusive and he isn’t loving. He’s vile. Leave him.

@LifeExperience

My ex was ostensibly against adultery and used to tell me about his friends who had affairs. Turns out his supposed honesty was designed to keep me in the dark, because he was having affairs, too. Don't fall for it.

THIS!!!!! My ex did the same "I can't understand why some men cheat. Losers!" Turned out he was seeing someone else. He also used to comment on how vile men who abandon their children are and how the hell can they do it? They don't deserve their kids!!!!" - Then he ran off with the woman he was seeing and hasn't seen our child since. This was over 6 years ago.

Was he like thus when he was in the army? Sounds like he is struggling to adapt to normal life. It might be worth seeing if there are any support groups you could talk with.

Could he be having an affair OP?

Christ don’t move to Tenerife with this guy, OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/living_overseas/a4511515-immigration-help?msgid=116055918#116055918

Sorry, I haven't read all the responses, but I'm definitely on the LTB side.
In my experience when anyone says something hurtful/spiteful and claims it to be a joke, it is a thin veil for how they really feel about you.
You are doing it all, and seemingly for now you enjoy/don't mind, but it will creep up on you and you'll resent it. What happens when you go back to work (I'm making an assumption you're currently on maternity leave)? You need to lay it all out and have the discussion. Nothing will change otherwise, if that's what you want. I've been there and read this often where there's a small child, your life has changed dramatically and you're keeping it all together, yet his life has barely changed. He SHOULD be a partner AND a parent. It is not up to you to keep plugging the gaps and keep things ticking along. You can love someone wholeheartedly, but sometimes (especially when it's thrown back in your face) it's not enough.

Anger issues are often a symptom of depression and/or anxiety. It's a secondary emotion. That's how I was first diagnosed.

OP you can’t make him better.
Don’t waste your life thinking you can.
I know it may be difficult to put yourself first, but what about putting your son first? Surely you can see that this man is not a good role model? Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is the way men treat women? Think of the big picture. If you stay with this man, your son will learn that it is ok to treat women like this. Do you really want that? Make no mistake - he will learn behaviour from his dad.
Please break the cycle before it is too late.
You are not helpless, you are in control and can stop this.

Whatever you think about him, he sounds quite immature, and at the moment, not cut out for a proper real relationship. You doing everything at home, and he getting agitated at every little thing is not a good sign. If you can't talk to him about things, as in he won't listen, then it will be a rough ride for you if he wont agree to change his attitude., and you will then be struggling along, being worried all the time.

@cttd1 my advice may not be the most popular amongst the woman on here but I am looking at this from the angle of you wanting to stay in this relationship.
Have you thought that maybe sometimes when you are being helpful (I refer to the part where you said he couldn't fit the pram in the car) that he actually (in his own little warped way) sees that as you challenging his 'manhood' or belittling him in that you're 'showing him how to do it'? I know this seems a strange outlook but some men actually have a bit of a complex if their SO is constantly trying to 'show them how to do something' or saying 'here, I'll do it/ I'll help'. I know that the frustrated outbursts seem to put you on edge a little but this could be his way of trying to communicate that he wants to be left to work things out himself. You say that you do 99% of the things involving your son - maybe he feels like a little bit of a spare part and that you don't trust him to be able to do those things and his answer, rather than talking about it (I mean most men don't tbf) is to just leave you to it. Then when you do ask for help he's kinda like 'well why do you want me involved now?' I complete sympathise with your situation and I definitely seem to be out on a limb on my own here but men can be really strange sometimes and angry/aggressive outbursts can sometimes be borne purely out of frustration as they are afraid/ don't know how to voice their feelings. You say you feel safe with him and I take your word for it so that is why I came to this conclusion. I don't really know the best way to approach sorting this situation as I don't know enough about you, your partner or your relationship dynamics but here's a couple of suggestions:
speak to him!! ask him if there's anything frustrating or annoying him
Tactfully start putting some of the jobs involving your son (bathtime, bedtime, bottle whichever) on his shoulders to see if it's because he feels left out
Sometimes going from just the two of you to three of you can change much more in the relationship than you expect and/or realise and men have a funny way of communicating this. Let him know how much you love him, tell him you miss the special times you used to enjoy, make time for just you two (even if that means still being awake at 2am!) Me and my partner have been together 18 years and I'm currently pregnant with our 8th child. Sometimes, just to get an hour of uninterrupted time together we stay up wayyyyy past 3am but I never complain because I know how special that time is.
Like I said I know there will be women on here who don't agree with what I've said but if you feel that this relationship can work then maybe looking at things from his POV will help work things out. I wish you good luck.

@Itsallaboutthebenjamins

Oh lovely do you have any older women to speak to? You seem very young and naive. LTB obviously he sounds like a typical horrible squaddie. Also why does he go drinking before work?! Seems odd. Anyway leave him. Hes abusive.

What's a 'typical horrible squaddie'? Are our military men typically horrible?

@cttd1

Part of me doesn't want to leave him because I don't trust him with our son on the weekends he would have him (he would be safe!) but he had no clue what to do with him because I've done it all. He doesn't know what he needs when he cries EVER. He loves him so much but he has no clue what to do. No clue how to get him to sleep (our son can't self soothe) and no clue how to keep him entertained, it's a huge worry

What makes you think he loves him so much? He knows nothing about his son, that doesn't show "loving so much"

Honestly, don't waste anymore of your life with him.

Op please take care not to get pregnant - finding your feet on your own will be so much easier with one child than two.
Whether you leave him soon or not, it’s time to get your work life restarted. If you don’t imagine growing old happily together then at some point you are going to be standing on your own two feet. The earlier you lay the groundwork the better.

I'm not going to quote your whole post nearly8 but you're right, your opinion is unpopular with women and is absolute bollocks.
Victim blaming, which is what your doing, went out in the 1950s.
His screaming, shouting, anger, dangerous driving is not and never will be the OPS fault.

If he feels his "manhood" challenged (what the actual fuck!) that's not the Ops fault. Nor does it give him the right to shout, scream and be nasty.

Tactfully start putting some of the jobs involving your son (bathtime, bedtime, bottle whichever) on his shoulders to see if it's because he feels left out
What is he, a child?
He is a grown man who was involved in making this baby. He doesn't need gentle encouragement to look after his own baby.

@minou123

I'm not going to quote your whole post nearly8 but you're right, your opinion is unpopular with women and is absolute bollocks. Victim blaming, which is what your doing, went out in the 1950s. His screaming, shouting, anger, dangerous driving is not and never will be the OPS fault. If he feels his "manhood" challenged (what the actual fuck!) that's not the Ops fault. Nor does it give him the right to shout, scream and be nasty.

Tactfully start putting some of the jobs involving your son (bathtime, bedtime, bottle whichever) on his shoulders to see if it's because he feels left out
What is he, a child?
He is a grown man who was involved in making this baby. He doesn't need gentle encouragement to look after his own baby.

This!!!

OP, this has turned into a bit of a bunfight but my take away is that this is an angry man. He is disproportionally "losing it" all the time over the small everyday frustrations of life, didn't manage to get to grips with the army (hardly surprising with this attitude) and is venting his unhappiness and anger on you. The steroids are a symptom of this and will very much add to the problem. From what you describe, his self image is patterned on a toxic version of masculinity and he's even failing at that.

I'm not going to try to pretend that it is an easy thing, but you do need to get out for the safety of you and your baby, before this escalates. The advice to contact Womens Aid and Rights of Women is good. Please contact them and accept any help they can offer.

OP I know it might be hard, maybe even impossible to up and leave tomorrow.
But start making plans.
First don't have another child.
Second, see about getting a job. Even if its just a few hours a week, it would be something to build on.
I had to do it slowly slowly.
However if it turns physical AT ALL you must leave straight away.
Take care

[quote nearly8]@cttd1 my advice may not be the most popular amongst the woman on here but I am looking at this from the angle of you wanting to stay in this relationship.
Have you thought that maybe sometimes when you are being helpful (I refer to the part where you said he couldn't fit the pram in the car) that he actually (in his own little warped way) sees that as you challenging his 'manhood' or belittling him in that you're 'showing him how to do it'? I know this seems a strange outlook but some men actually have a bit of a complex if their SO is constantly trying to 'show them how to do something' or saying 'here, I'll do it/ I'll help'. I know that the frustrated outbursts seem to put you on edge a little but this could be his way of trying to communicate that he wants to be left to work things out himself. You say that you do 99% of the things involving your son - maybe he feels like a little bit of a spare part and that you don't trust him to be able to do those things and his answer, rather than talking about it (I mean most men don't tbf) is to just leave you to it. Then when you do ask for help he's kinda like 'well why do you want me involved now?' I complete sympathise with your situation and I definitely seem to be out on a limb on my own here but men can be really strange sometimes and angry/aggressive outbursts can sometimes be borne purely out of frustration as they are afraid/ don't know how to voice their feelings. You say you feel safe with him and I take your word for it so that is why I came to this conclusion. I don't really know the best way to approach sorting this situation as I don't know enough about you, your partner or your relationship dynamics but here's a couple of suggestions:
speak to him!! ask him if there's anything frustrating or annoying him
Tactfully start putting some of the jobs involving your son (bathtime, bedtime, bottle whichever) on his shoulders to see if it's because he feels left out
Sometimes going from just the two of you to three of you can change much more in the relationship than you expect and/or realise and men have a funny way of communicating this. Let him know how much you love him, tell him you miss the special times you used to enjoy, make time for just you two (even if that means still being awake at 2am!) Me and my partner have been together 18 years and I'm currently pregnant with our 8th child. Sometimes, just to get an hour of uninterrupted time together we stay up wayyyyy past 3am but I never complain because I know how special that time is.
Like I said I know there will be women on here who don't agree with what I've said but if you feel that this relationship can work then maybe looking at things from his POV will help work things out. I wish you good luck.[/quote]
Some women are strange as well, assuming you're one, I'll start with you!

What a load of utter bullshit!
!

It sounds as if you're not ready to change how you view his behaviour. He's abusive OP. One day he will lose his temper and accidentally hurt you or your son. Then one day it won't be an accident. Every abuser I've met ( mostly in a work context) hasn't started off physically hurting their partner. It's the swearing, banging, road rage, it's there to remind you of what he's capable of
But as I said you're not ready to accept this is who he is
I wish you well and hope I'm wrong

@cttd1

I just wish he would cheat on me and leave me to make it easier I physically can't do it :(

Maybe that’s what happened 8 weeks ago to change his demeanour?

You’re young. You can rewrite your life. Your child is so young -leave before he starts to grow up with his dad as a bad model of how to behave and the pattern repeats itself in him. Think of your baby, and find the strength to leave and find something better for yourself. You mentioned you worked in recruitment - that’s a good career - can you find a way back to it?

@RowanAlong

You’re young. You can rewrite your life. Your child is so young -leave before he starts to grow up with his dad as a bad model of how to behave and the pattern repeats itself in him. Think of your baby, and find the strength to leave and find something better for yourself. You mentioned you worked in recruitment - that’s a good career - can you find a way back to it?

I wish I could. Childcare is about £1200 a month, that's not including rent etc. I have no family to help with childcare or anything and where I live now everything is out of the way so mega stressed tbh

@cttd1 I'm not in any danger and neither is my son, he hasn't got it in him

Said every woman before she was hit for the first time....

Like as if any woman would deliberately choose to be with a man who hits women. If so, NO woman would ever be hit.

He clearly is a very nasty person and quite abusive towards you. I wouldn't want to stay with him, I'd have more self respect for myself, and for my son than that. If you think he won't change if you talk with him or won't go to therapy then you need to walk.

Do you want your son to grow up thinking that that's how you treat a woman?