VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

[cttd1]

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

@Hawkins001 Do you know any links to military intelligence or black ops type missions and he's getting pressure from his bosses to complete or progress more with his missions and that could be what's driving his frustrations with others activities ?

Hardly likely as he's an ex squaddie of 2 years in with a part time door job and a 'roid habit.

For me the turning point was when I thought he was seeing someone else - he wasn't, but he heavily implied that he was, to try and make me jealous I think?! I realised then that I just didn't have the inclination to cut myself trying to fix a broken relationship, even when it was "good" it was only a 3 out of 10 good and life is far to short to settle for that!

Theres lots of people who can help you. It is just a case of knowing who to ask.

Have you tried ringing women’s aid? They could maybe point you in the direction of local places and people who can help. Join groups with your child. Build connections.

Oh lovely, I know you love him, but a good father and partner is not one that shouts at inanimate objects, it isn’t one that has the rest of the household walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting him, it isn’t one where one person does all the work because it’s easier than having them lose their temper. It definitely isn’t one that puts their lives in danger because they feel disrespected by a stranger. Do you want your child to grow up with this role model?
I’m saying this as someone who deeply regrets putting up with this shit for 23 years. He didn’t love me, but he did love the comfortable life without responsibilities that I allowed him to lead. My children have suffered too, that’s my fault for staying as long as I did. Get out safely as soon as you can. He honestly doesn’t love you. I’m so sorry.

@Imlovinglife

Don't apologise. At the same time, no way am I going to read all that.

I'll give some standard Mumsnet advice - pick one - "LTB", "Call the police", "Go to A&E", "Have you tried budgeting?"

Do you have difficulties with your reading @Imlovinglife? It really isn’t all that long. If all you have to say is something as flippant and uncaring as that, I suggest you don’t bother in future.

OP, he really doesn’t sound very nice I’m afraid. He is emotionally abusing you. You deserve better than this. He needs to either completely change his behaviour (probably unlikely) or you need to leave him. You say it’s just one thing, but it’s a pretty big thing.

I think the fact that your DP was willing to risk driving dangerously with his baby son in the car should be enough reason for you to consider leaving him.

If this is unrealistic then I would say Relate couple's counselling or even just looking for a counsellor to talk to yourself (www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/how-to-find-a-therapist/ ) would be the other option just now.

Obviously you could try asking him why he has been so short-tempered with you recently but it's likely he'll just blame you for no reason.

Sorry that didn't sound sympathetic and I absolutely feel so sorry for you in this situation, it must be awful, especially without family support.

You are spending all your time trying to make him happy - and he’s still got a horrible temper, talks to you in an abusive way. Reading this we can all see this is a relationship that you need to take your son out of too. You are being a doormat and he’s using you as one - you deserve so so so much more. Get support and leave xxx

[quote CPL593H]**@Hawkins001* Do you know any links to military intelligence or black ops type missions and he's getting pressure from his bosses to complete or progress more with his missions and that could be what's driving his frustrations with others activities ?*

Hardly likely as he's an ex squaddie of 2 years in with a part time door job and a 'roid habit.[/quote]
That's made me giggle. The only place he went with the army was Manchester for 4 weeks to help with Covid supplies
😂so no don't think so hahah

If you want your child to think this is normal and be treated like this then stay if not teach them right from wrong for goodness sake. I grew up In similar shit and its awful.

"Deluded? I'm a 24 year old young mum stuck in clearly an Abusive relationship because I'm pretty much in denial about it?"
Well, I bet you didn't mean it this way but I'd love to be able to read that comment as: glad you're out of your delusion and realise you're "...a 24 year old mum stuck in a clearly abusive relationship" because you have been "pretty much in denial about it..."
Because that's what we are all clearly seeing. He's angry and abusive at things - cars, prams windows and you think you're safe for now but he does those things to keep you scared and in line. It's things now and it will be people i.e.: you and your son very soon who see the back of his hand, get thrown about, slammed around in a car. Please please do a little more reading, a little less denying and find some resources like womens aid or refuge. Keep a truthful record for yourself how often this happens and how sweet you need to be to stop him kicking off.

@Gilead

Oh lovely, I know you love him, but a good father and partner is not one that shouts at inanimate objects, it isn’t one that has the rest of the household walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting him, it isn’t one where one person does all the work because it’s easier than having them lose their temper. It definitely isn’t one that puts their lives in danger because they feel disrespected by a stranger. Do you want your child to grow up with this role model? I’m saying this as someone who deeply regrets putting up with this shit for 23 years. He didn’t love me, but he did love the comfortable life without responsibilities that I allowed him to lead. My children have suffered too, that’s my fault for staying as long as I did. Get out safely as soon as you can. He honestly doesn’t love you. I’m so sorry.

You are right, I know deep down we're not going to work. It's just the next step I guess that I don't know how to approach and tbh don't think I have the energy for. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted 😴 I feel stuck, I have no career, no degrees, no car, no license, no savings, no family to help watch my DC whilst I try work... nothing. Whilst I've set him up with a good paying job and I can't go out and work 😔 please don't think I'm a loser either I had a well paying job up until Covid then lost everything, now I have my DC I can't work. So I'm just a bit scared that I won't be able to provide for my DC either. I thought everything would be perfect, I'm just in shock that it's turned out like this really

@Ugzbugz

If you want your child to think this is normal and be treated like this then stay if not teach them right from wrong for goodness sake. I grew up In similar shit and its awful.

Oh my god I'm getting annoyed with these comments, I'm not a mean person but seriously just go elsewhere. I get you mean good but I've said I know this!!! If you read the thread you'll see. So annoying when I'm already dealing with this and you show up and state the bloody obvious. I'm wanting to vent as I know that's what I need to do but my hearts breaking at the thought of it.

Steroids ?

I have never posted or commented before but I really hope you talk to Womens Aid.

Also guys. I won't say if we break up I will say when we break up because that's where we're heading... when we break up, I'm getting so frustrated at the thought of someone asking why we broke up and wondering what he will say. Hand on my heart I do nothing wrong, I can't I'm too scared if the stress it will cause. It's so annoying thinking about it.

It's just so hard, he's my life, all I've ever known. Despite all of the bad (a lot) he is just still for some reason my comfort and I hate that I love him so much. The thought of him not being here breaks my heart, I know I can't do anything or put up with this any longer... it's just breaking my heart thinking about it.

@Imlovinglife

Don't apologise. At the same time, no way am I going to read all that.

I'll give some standard Mumsnet advice - pick one - "LTB", "Call the police", "Go to A&E", "Have you tried budgeting?"

What's your problem you nasty person???

Also, it really get under my skin that he has no clue what I'm on about or why I'm upset most of the time. He doesn't see a problem with his anger he just says he's a man he's got his own way of doing things that I don't understand, St

He sounds scary - I don't think your or your DC are safe. An unreliable temper can always erupt.

I had a BF years ago that I was crazy for, and stuck with on and off for 4 years. Luckily no children. He was my perfect man, and we had so much fun and such great times, our physical life was amazing, he was everything I'd ever wanted. But his true colours started to emerge quite soon, and more fool me for not getting out at the first loss of temper. I totally get that you think you love him and you just want it to be the way it is when it's good - but please trust me - it never will be!

My BF became controlling, then violent. I was always on eggshells. He was suspicious and a liar. Drink makes it worse so that's one good thing that your DP doesn't drink - but please don't think he will ever turn into that person who is 100% the nice man you know. He won't. Leave now, even if you need to go to a refuge. It took me 4 years and I moved in with a friend's Mum to get away - please don't leave it that long!

What sort of education has he had? How intelligent is he? Doesn't he have any ambitions for a good career/ job? He doesn't seem to have a disciplined, trained mind, his emotions are all over the place and he seems inclined to violence. Is body building all there is? What are his prospects say for 10 years in future? What are your hopes for your own future? Do you have any training for work etc you could do in the future?

@cttd1

Also, it really get under my skin that he has no clue what I'm on about or why I'm upset most of the time. He doesn't see a problem with his anger he just says he's a man he's got his own way of doing things that I don't understand, St

It's like his good side is perfect for me but his bad side is just the worst for me. Ahhhh sorry I just need to get all of this out 😂

I feel very sorry for your baby.

Having an abusing fuckwit as a father

@GrazingSheep

I feel very sorry for your baby.

Do you not think I don't! Please don't come here trying to make me feel guilty I want to cry looking at my son right now, I want to cry for myself, I feel so so so broken so please don't try make me feel even more guilt which I cannot take. Are you in my position? No so you don't understand how hard this is.

I stopped reading at page 2 because of this:
You don’t trust him to be alone with your son.
Read that sentence again.
You don’t trust a father alone with his own child. You won’t leave because of that. You’re staying because of a fear. It’s not a good relationship and your child will grow up seeing anger and think this is the norm.