VERY LONG AIBU sorry x

[cttd1]

Long one here, if you're not going to give a hand hold please don't read!!😔

I'm 24, partner is 25 and we have a little boy who's 10 months old. We've been together 5 years, we get on like the bestest of friends, our time spent together is easy and we're both so in love with each other. Hes my everything, my soulmate really, but... there's just one thing. He has a side to him which just completely ruins all of the good.

I do everything for him, he's left the army, I've found his new job. I care for our son pretty much 99% of the time, I make 99% of the bottles, wash all the clothes, pots, cook all his gym prep food, put our son to bed etc. He does offer, but sometimes he gets so mad when doing things! Trying to get a container out the kitchen draw? If it gets stuck he will just throw it and say "fuck off!!!" Begets so annoyed at things so I just do then myself to prevent him getting mad.

Yesterday, it was hot, the window was open (which he always needs open because he's a hot person) so I said oh why are you closing the window? He replies with attitude in his voice "because I fucking want too"

Today, he couldn't get the pram in the car so I say oh here this is how you do it, go to show him and he just blocks my hand away and huffs at me.

Anyway in the car again he got road rage and slammed the breaks on (I was scared because our son was in the car so I was shouting telling him to stop) he then calls me pathetic for thinking it's ok for someone in another car to swear at him.

I just want to add this has just been the last 8 weeks*, he's always had this sort of temper but the last 8 weeks it's got a lot worse. I've tried speaking to him and he doesn't recognise it at all. Nothing has happened either to make him this way.

T*his afternoon it was sons bedtime which is always a hard part of the day. My sons not letting me change his he's screaming etc so I just quickly "can I have some help?!" To which he replies god you're so moody. And then when I get upset with the comment he says you used to have a sense of humour come on. He then explained both comments were a joke ( I was annoyed and went into the bedroom for 45 mins because I was upset )

Skip forward to tonight, we haven't had sex in 8 weeks (because of the arguing) which is a long time for us. We had a lovely day, no arguing but had nice walk down the canal with our son and it was so nice! So tonight he was going to work at 10pm (not his proper job just his weekend job which is a hobby/extra money) he was meeting the boys at 8pm before work for a few drinks which he always does. We said we would have food, watch a film and spend some "time together" if you get what I mean. So our son ends up going to bed later than expected, I w showered, left my makeup on, put on some nice perfume etc. I walk in and he's asleep, he then wakes up and has to go meet the boys. So I say we'll are guy going to cancel? Just go to work at normal time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ he then says I'm pissing him off and that there's a problem every time he goes out for a beer with the boys (which there isn't) I just felt like well it's been a while I've made effort am I not irresistible anymore or something ? I feel ugly and upset that he's got angry with me for that. He genuinely thinks I'm in the wrong and it's so frustrating!!

I'm not asking for advise or a solution as there's none to give I just needed to vent tonight. I'm so upset and my relationships breaking down and I have no idea why. He thinks I'm constantly on at him but I'm not, I'm genuinely so good to him and I'm struggling to see why he just doesn't like me? There's isn't anyone else before anyone asks. I trust him. I just need to let all of this out. Even if no one replies, it's been good to write all of this down

I just want to add im just confused as to why our 5 year relationship is suddenly struggling this bad and as to why we just do not get on

So sorry I'm not replying to everyone guys I'm exhausted, my eyes feel heavy, I'm just sat in silence with my brain frazzled. I've just ate 4 bags of crisps and now regret it... I'm looking at the bottles I need to make and the shower I need to take and well I just CANT BE BOTHERED. I really appreciate everyone's supportive comments it means so much, I wish I could give you all a hug. I feel like I could really do with my mum right now. Upsets me so much that I don't have a relationship with her.

@Hawkins001 haha no way! I'm confident in that. Leaves his phone around, always tell me where he's at (I don't ask he just tells me) always messages whilst he's out and goes to work, comes back and goes to the gym. I understand why you would think that though!

I'm sorry @cttd1 but he is aggressive and has anger issues.
He does have it in him to hurt you and your child and I really believe that you are in danger.
This behaviour tends to escalate rather than getting better. How long before he takes his frustration out on you or your child.

Putting aside physical risks from him, your child is already being harmed because of your partner's abuse and it is abuse.

I know you say you don't want to end the relationship but you need to seriously consider what will happen if you don't.

What do you need? Can you call Women's Aid for some advice?
What's your housing and financial situation?

Imagine you are 84 in your rocking chair and you are exactly the person you are today - and he is in his rocking chair beside you and he has not changed either because he won't. He closed the window because he 'fucking wants to'. He huffs because he can't do something. He is mean and dismissive and has been that way for 60 years.
Then imagine yourself in your rocking chair at 84 and no one beside you but a sense of peace and the knowledge you did not take that shit all your life.
Choose the flavour of the shit you want to eat for the rest of your life. Don't get someone shoving it into your mouth.

My ex was ostensibly against adultery and used to tell me about his friends who had affairs. Turns out his supposed honesty was designed to keep me in the dark, because he was having affairs, too. Don't fall for it.

You need to be thinking ahead to when your DS is a bit older OP. Right now he’s still a cute baby, can’t run or talk back. Soon he will be a toddler with tantrums and normal toddler behaviour which for someone who already has anger issues, takes steroids and body builds is a great concern.

I can see why you don’t want to be put in a situation, where he has your DS on his own if you split. Right now you’re also pretty trapped with nowhere to go?

If you think there’s even a glimmer of you wanting to stay with him, you need to tell him he gets urgent therapy for anger management, stops the steroids and learns how to take care of his son or it’s over.

I can't add anything that hasn't been covered by previous posters OP, but wanted to send you a big hug.
My Dd is 24 and I had her and her brother by the time I was 24, I thought I was a grown up, but honestly I was just a kid putting up with shit because I so wanted a happy ever after.
I'll tell you what I wish I'd known then - you are stronger than you realise and that "little boy lost" act is exactly that, an act. He is not your responsibility, and you're worth so much more than this. Be brave sweetheart, have a really good think about what you want to do for yourself and your baby, don't feel guilty for putting yourself first because I can guarantee that if the tables were turned he'd have no qualms about prioritising himself over you.

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

I can't add anything that hasn't been covered by previous posters OP, but wanted to send you a big hug. My Dd is 24 and I had her and her brother by the time I was 24, I thought I was a grown up, but honestly I was just a kid putting up with shit because I so wanted a happy ever after. I'll tell you what I wish I'd known then - you are stronger than you realise and that "little boy lost" act is exactly that, an act. He is not your responsibility, and you're worth so much more than this. Be brave sweetheart, have a really good think about what you want to do for yourself and your baby, don't feel guilty for putting yourself first because I can guarantee that if the tables were turned he'd have no qualms about prioritising himself over you.

This message has made me feel so warm. Thank you so much, wish I was local to some of you lovelies would be nice to speak to someone in person, I have friends but they'll judge that's why I've come here 😔 thank you all x

cddt1
That's honestly what I'm stressing about, I'm washing so much time and probably giving myself so many wrinkles right now (lol) I know we're done really, I'm just trying to find the right time so say look this isn't working what do we do. I'm such a weak person I don't even know how to break up with someone. Ah idk everything's a mess right now

You are not a weak person.
You are not a weak person.

You are, in fact, the complete opposite. Look at what you are doing now. Essentially , being a single mum, looking after him aswell. Dealing with a an emotionally abusive man. That is not easy to deal with.
You are very strong.
I think, once you have made the decision, you will be absolutely fine.

There is a lot to read through on this thread and posters are giving you brilliant advice.
No wonder you are tired, have some sleep and come back tomorrow

@cttd1 this is going to sound really judgmental and it probably is but it wasn't a big leap to guess what his evening job is. Ex squaddie, gym obsessed and steroid user. Of course he's a doorman.

It's all to familiar and I've known lots of blokes like this. It's such a cliche. There's reasons why men like your partner go into these types of jobs and it's usually about being able to throw their weight around.

@minou123

cddt1 That's honestly what I'm stressing about, I'm washing so much time and probably giving myself so many wrinkles right now (lol) I know we're done really, I'm just trying to find the right time so say look this isn't working what do we do. I'm such a weak person I don't even know how to break up with someone. Ah idk everything's a mess right now

You are not a weak person.
You are not a weak person.

You are, in fact, the complete opposite. Look at what you are doing now. Essentially , being a single mum, looking after him aswell. Dealing with a an emotionally abusive man. That is not easy to deal with.
You are very strong.
I think, once you have made the decision, you will be absolutely fine.

There is a lot to read through on this thread and posters are giving you brilliant advice.
No wonder you are tired, have some sleep and come back tomorrow

Thank you so much. I didn't look at it like that 😔 I hope I'm feeling as strong in the morning

Why did he leave the army?

He may well have PTSD-many ex-army do, even those that keep it well together.
But also the army life going to civilian can be a shock. They're there with all their mates and a huge bond between them, then they're out on civvy street on their own. Many people struggle at that point.
The army does do some help for readjusting. Is he making use of that? he may be regretting coming out-and knowing that he can't just slot back in again.

Have you tried telling him you're worried about him? It may be worth seeing if he'd contact a veteran's charity-there are several around that may be able to give him some support.

[quote TotallyTS]@cttd1 this is going to sound really judgmental and it probably is but it wasn't a big leap to guess what his evening job is. Ex squaddie, gym obsessed and steroid user. Of course he's a doorman.

It's all to familiar and I've known lots of blokes like this. It's such a cliche. There's reasons why men like your partner go into these types of jobs and it's usually about being able to throw their weight around.

[/quote]
No judge away! I didn't see it like that, I still don't. I guess it's easy to see as an outsider. Men ay, apparently were the confusing ones 🙄

@MargaretThursday

Why did he leave the army?

He may well have PTSD-many ex-army do, even those that keep it well together.
But also the army life going to civilian can be a shock. They're there with all their mates and a huge bond between them, then they're out on civvy street on their own. Many people struggle at that point.
The army does do some help for readjusting. Is he making use of that? he may be regretting coming out-and knowing that he can't just slot back in again.

Have you tried telling him you're worried about him? It may be worth seeing if he'd contact a veteran's charity-there are several around that may be able to give him some support.

He was only in two years, he got himself kicked out because he hated it. I thought all of this but he's just dismissed me

You poor thing. I cannot imagine how bad your life has been so far for you to think this angry man who swears at you and scares you adores you. He doesnt. You and your child deserve much more.

When he was in the army, did you live together or did he live in barracks?

if you do start planning to leave him, please be aware OP that leaving can be the most dangerous time for a woman leaving someone who is aggressive. Maybe research / call women's aid / find out about safer ways to leave.

Worrying about him looking after DS on his own might be premature - it doesn't seem much like he'd want to? Although he may see pursuing custody time as a way to punish or control you.

It's good you have a job and income so hopefully you have some options, maybe.

@TracyMosby

You poor thing. I cannot imagine how bad your life has been so far for you to think this angry man who swears at you and scares you adores you. He doesnt. You and your child deserve much more.

I just feel numb to be honest, my whole life has been chaos, I have no one and I'm just clinging onto his good side so I'm not so lonely I get that. I'm sat in silence now just feeling the calm, I just don't know if I have the strength to push through this hurdle and to get rid of him. I just feel so exhausted like I can't cope with anymore negativity or drama

Sweetie, he has had his head turned.

It could be by any number of things, another woman/women, another lifestyle, 90% of his time being free of responsibilites.....anything. But right now what you are describing is The Script, its what all men do when they want out but dont want to be the bad guy. He doesnt want to leave, he wants YOU to leave so he can be the victim whilst at the same time skipping off into the sunset to enjoy this shiny new life he has envisioned.

I'm sorry but there it is. I am twice your age and have seen this too often to think "Oh perhaps its depression". It ain't, it really ain't.

You absolutely will get answers on the Relationship board

And when you're ready to leave you will also get lots of practical advice.

Men can do that thing where they tell stories of what 'other people' are doing to you, they see your reaction, theyre planting the seed so its not so shocking when you find out that actually they were the ones doing it all along. It's quite common, sorry

From an objective perspective, this man sounds like an utter nightmare. I wasted my entire 20s on an extremely destructive relationship with a highly-strung, angry man who I thought was my soulmate because I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Yes, I was attracted to him, when things were good they were incredible and we had plenty of things in common, but there was no consistency and no matter how hard I tried nothing I did was ever good enough for him - he picked arguments out of thin air. I was always trying to make excuses for him, like you have on this thread, because I was completely in denial and normalised his behaviour because it was all I knew.

When the relationship eventually fell apart I was surprised that I didn't feel heartbroken or lost...instead I felt a sense of peace because I was no longer perpetually on edge, wondering when he was going to fly off the handle.

I met my real soulmate in my 30s - we've faced incredibly challenging times together - the loss of our son, the sudden death of his best friend, my mum getting dementia, our daughter's ill health and the constant challenges of her disabilities, his high-stress job, but through all of this he's never taken anything out on me and has remained level-headed, supportive and loving. I often think how my ex would have reacted under the same pressures.

If life with your partner is so fraught that he loses his rag when he can't get a container out of the drawer, how will he react when life throws some serious curveballs at you?

You're only 24. You have your entire life ahead of you. Do you really want to waste it waiting on someone hand and foot who doesn't appreciate you and who sees red at the slightest thing?

Oh, OP.

There is nothing as lonely as being with an abusive, controlling, moody man.

A loving partner doesn't have a 'good side' and a 'bad side'.

The unknown can seem frightening, I understand that. A bad relationship sucks all the energy out of you.

Anyway, not giving advice, just offering a shoulder.

www.womensaid.org.uk/