Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

[ThreeLittleDots]

To me it doesn't matter. It's a betrayal and that's enough for me to reconsider the relationship. What's the point if he's going to be with someone else in his head?

[Itsallaboutthebenjamins]

It doesnt matter if it was just that or more IMO he would still be out of my house.

[ImBurtMacklin]

He deleted the texts straight away. There was more going on than he will admit

[SpacePotato]

He is testing the waters with someone else. It might start with texting but do you honestly think he wouldn't take it further.

Very much a betrayal of trust.

[teaandtoastwithmarmite]

YANBU

[Chely]

I'd kick him in the balls tbh

The fact he deleted the conversation straight away is a huge red flag.

[theremustonlybeone]

Ask him to restore the deleted messages and then read it- then decide

[Booboo24]

Hs initial reaction tells you all you need to know I'm afraid, but I'd be asking for his phone and woulld expect him to hand it over immediately if it's innocent It won't only be through Instagram if there's something going on. Scour his phone. If he won't let you then you have your answer.a second time

[Silversurfer101]

As the previous poster said, the fact that he has deleted the texts speak volumes. If he hasn’t physically cheated on you, he had the evidence right there on his phone to be able to prove it to you. Yet he chose to delete it. Therefore there must be far worse in that conversation he did not want you to see. He doesn’t care that the fact that you will now never know what went on between them will be awful for you. I am so so sorry.

[Shinydiscoballs1]

Was he thinking of you and your relationship when he sent 'morning you' doubt it. Bet that was the last thing on his mind.
That wouldn't be good enough for me sorry, I'd constantly be paranoid after that op

[teaandtoastwithmarmite]

Sorry you're going through this

[PoleaxedAndSome]

I agree with all of you- the deletion of the messages was what really got me. I was so sure before this morning that he wouldn’t do this that honestly had he been able to give me any kind of decent explanation I would have probably told him I was pissed off and that he would be coming off as an old creep to whoever he was messaging, using terms like a teenager instead of the 40 something he is. I know everyone probably thinks there husband won’t but….. we’ve been together 13 years and never ever once have I had reason to doubt him in any way. He can be a dick for sure as can we all but I thought for sure he was a loyal dick!

I also agree that starting down that path is disloyal and unacceptable. I guess what I’m wondering is whether it’s mid life crisis-ish and a stupid wrong move because he was feeling a bit neglected or past it, and it gave him a nice buzz (which I THINK I could get past though I’d still be furious and it would be a process) or whether he would actually have been open to going on to more.

I messaged the girl - very nicely - and said look; I’m not mad at you. You’re not married to me and you owe me nothing, but could you tell me the truth so I can kick his arse into touch if need be. She says absolutely nothing. Messages, about shared hobby, far as she was concerned, not flirty or anything like it.

Still though. He clearly thought it was flirty, the fool. Which is still a betrayal.

[MissMaple82]

At what point does the flirting stop though!? See it for what it is. If he could of shagged her he would, if he hasn't already! The man has no loyalties to you.

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Believe me @MissMaple82 I’ve said as much to him. I just am struggling to turn it over in my own head. He’s giving me all the chat about ‘I would never have acted on it, I would never risk us’. He’s already bloody risked everything with every time he chose to text her something he knew was over the line.

I’m honestly so shocked. He has always been so so anti cheating, ever since we first met. Just goes to show you never truly know someone.

[Roundeartheratchriatmas]

Not if there is flirting and lying to you no. Because that’s the issue here.

I have male friends. One is married. We text but certainly nothing like that. Often it is photos of his DD because he just adores her and wants to share.

My other friend mainly revolves around a common interest we share and occasionally our lives in general.

Neither has ever talked to me in this way and I doubt kept kept it a secret from their wife or partner.

[Silversurfer101]

Explain to the other woman that he deleted all the texts and that understandably looks very suspicious to you. Then ask very nicely if she will show you the innocent messages? If she also won’t show you them, given the circumstances, this would be quite telling.

[Takeitonthechin]

"If he would never risk us"... why text .... because he's already "risked us" by texting.
Who text who first?! If it was the female, why did he risk everything and text back?!
He obviously fancy's her to text her.
Are you sure he didn't mean 2/3 months..
What are you going to do about this?, can you trust him now? I'm not sure I could!

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Yes I agree @Takeitonthechin he clearly finds her attractive.

I asked him how he would feel if it was a guy texting me this. I asked him, what would he think the guy was after, texting ‘morning, you’ and ‘you look 🔥’. He looked extremely shamefaced - it’s ridiculous to think a guy in that situation isn’t thinking about sex in the present or in the future at least.

The timing has me absolutely gutted. A few years back we had a really rough patch- genuinely neither party at fault - just a lot of horrid external things happened at once and it was a hard time. We had some very serious conversations at the time and agreed that we couldn’t see a future without one another, and that we were willing to put the work in to get back where we were (which had previously been a very loving happy marriage). We did that (or I thought we did!) and the last 6-8
months have been great. Loads of time together, dates out around childcare, back to regular sex. We had sex last night initiated by me, it was great, we cuddled all night after, when we woke up he told me how much he had enjoyed it and we said love you. AS HE WAS TEXTING morning you 🤯

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Such a dick.

[Booboo24]

I agree, ask her to send you the screenshot, I'm sure if you made it clear you held no ill feelings towards her she would? I think I would in that instance

[Spaghag]

I'm sorry but I absolutely agree that H's reaction answers your question.

If it was genuinely just a "hi, hot photo" text with no further intent then why delete all messages straightaway? He obviously knew he was doing something wrong.

Whether anything physical has happened neither I nor anyone on here can tell you, but I would put money on him hoping things would move that way if they haven't already.

[ThreeLittleDots]

I don't agree that OP needs to see any more texts - don't lower yourself asking for them.

[arethereanyleftatall]

It would be a Ltb for me. Not saying you should of course, your decision and life, but I wouldn't want this from a husband.

[PoleaxedAndSome]

It’s certainly looking that way. I just told him that I googled and you can retrieve deleted Instagram messages. (True, apparently). Told him I’d need to see them to get the measure of what’s happened exactly. Cue more admissions drip by drip. Apparently he doesn’t want to because they aren’t sexual but they are intimate and would upset me. An example he gave ‘they talked about wanting to cuddle’. Fuck both of them and the horse they rode in on.

[Amrapaali]

Both your choices are true. Sometimes people just need a flirty ego boost. It may be nothing more. But I can also see it from your pov. It is also a very horrible betrayal.

Sorry not helpful!