Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

Don’t let him distract you or occupy your time when it is imperative you seek legal and financial advice. Expect him to be dishonest and dishonourable about money. He knows it’s over and is only focused on self-preservation.

He will turn nasty when you try and discuss it. He will want it all forgotten about and claim that you’re punishing him unnecessarily. He will guilt trip you out of expressing your feelings of resentment/hurt/anger/grief/pain, disappointment/betrayal or seeking explanations/reassurance that it won’t happen ever again. You will fall back into the pattern of reassuring him and seeing his favour.

I don’t know whether it’s because I’m going through this at the moment, or whether married men as a collective group have lost their damn minds, but it truly seems as though every single time I come on here there are more threads about husbands behaving this way.

if anyone who has survived this has a good answer to getting your head round the whiplash of seeing your ex partner and feeling it’s all a big mistake and he’s about to walk in the house behind you and sit on the couch, and then being blindsided by remembering what he’s done…. I’ll take it, with gratitude.

I can’t look at him, when I hand the kids over. Not because I’m furious - maybe that will come- but because it feels so normal to be with him, to be near him, that it hurts. And then he leaves and I remember the second I found his messages and realised he was talking to someone else about sex, about work, about life, about emotions… and it feels like the world has tipped me sideways.

I’m still doing ok- ish. It’s just as though this resets me a little every time it happens. And it happens every time we swap the kids over 💔

I hope you are all having a more zen weekend than I am!! x

Yes Poleaxed, the anger will come, though as with the discomfort of seeing him it'll be in your own time

You're going through a trauma so the "sideswipe" of being near him's only natural. Granted he's not been helping with his various stupidities, so I'd recommend keeping things to practicalities about the children only and utterly blanking all and everything else

IME the thing to remember above all else is that this person is not your friend; he is and can still be a father, but that doesn't have to involve you beyond the bare minimum ... oh, and one more thing to remember is that you really will get there

You’re doing amazingly @PoleaxedAndSome I’m in awe

Well for all those who are following the little car crash that keeps on giving- today I logged on to Instagram and got a notification that I might know ‘husband’s name’. I was surprised as he told me when I kicked him out that he was deleting all social media as it had ‘got him into this mess’. So I went on the account - yup, sure enough it’s him. Sparkly new account only 8 photos….. 105 accounts he is following listed. 35 accounts following him. On I go for a nosey- at a rough guess around 70% of the accounts he’s following are young women from our - local ish- area. The rest are people or businesses we both know, mostly guys he’s friends with. These female accounts are all young (20-35 maybe), real people, with mostly revealing photos posted.

Yes he is single now, in heart and mind if not on paper. But…. What the fuck. Five weeks after being booted out and telling me you can’t eat or sleep or work for how much you regret it all, you’ve a new insta filled with women I don’t know??? To borrow the words of someone funnier than me upthread- what an utter wankbadger.

I think I might have just found that missing angry.

I’m still following your posts lovely.

I don’t know what to say. All I can think is that thank goodness you found out when you did what he is really like and his true colours. It’s very difficult but be glad you’re not still with him. You can’t rush time, it’ll take as long as it takes but you’ll be in an amazing place one day and look back on all this. Mega tough when you’re in it though. Sending so much love xxxx

I'm so sorry you've had to see this 😳.

I guess the truth is he doesn't need to hide who he really is anymore. He's always been a sleezebag but fooled you and the rest of the world that he was a decent, loving, caring husband.

I know the truth hurts, look after yourself just now - and know you will rise above this and smile again - much love x

@PoleaxedAndSome if anyone who has survived this has a good answer to getting your head round the whiplash of seeing your ex partner and feeling it’s all a big mistake and he’s about to walk in the house behind you and sit on the couch, and then being blindsided by remembering what he’s done…. I’ll take it, with gratitude.

The answer is time. Boring but true. You're experiencing such an acute grief. The husband you knew and loved has died and this sad shadow of a cockwomble has taken his place. The split second of "normal" slowly changes into a wonderful freeing new normal where you don't breath in and out what he's done to you and your amazing children.

As for the insta account, this doesn't surprise me at all. He's got learned behaviours in his head. He's used to seeking validation, self esteem and worth from strangers. If he doesn't go cold turkey and bin his phone, all those learned behaviours don't, and can't, change overnight. Think of it as an addiction, as that is probably what it is.

This link might help you as it's a more specialised forum for what you're going through.

All the best
Laurel Centre Forum

I still think of you OP and still amazed at your strength. I hope you’re well :-)

I've just looked on that forum. It seems to be endless threads of people excusing behaviour similar to what the OP has experienced due to it being an 'addiction'. Even to the point that some are posting about their experience of the court system after viewing illegal images in a very woe is me fashion. Have I missed a key part of the forums? Because what I've seen is the opposite of helpful and seems a cesspit of vile men.

Hi all- slightly less depressing update- we’ve just survived our first holiday abroad as a three! And next week will be the three month mark since he was kicked out…..! Lots of milestones. I hope you’re all doing well and enjoying the start of the summer hols yourselves.

Well done OP, sounds like you are doing brilliantly, sending you all the best. I hope things just get better and better for you and your children x

Oh wow, holiday abroad - well done :) where did you go? X

Lovely little update! How was your holiday? Any tips on how you managed to do it… I’m apprehensive about taking my little one abroad and yet to do so!

It really is good to hear from you 🌷