Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

I'm so sorry about this. You sound very strong and I admire you.

Not sure if you realised OP but your thread has been picked up Edinburgh Live online:

www.edinburghlive.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/wife-thinks-caught-husband-out-23717456

I just stumbled on it and thought hang on a minute, I've already read this on Mumsnet.

:/

Shit really? Wonder how much I’ve said in my sad moments now… would really rather not lose all the positivity and support and have to have it deleted!!

A wee update for anyone who has stuck with me… I’ve made it to the one month mark. It’s still really awful some nights. Some days too. But sometimes I can see a tiny glimmer of hope that life might be…. If not what I would have chosen, at least not miserable for ever.

That’s fabulous @PoleaxedAndSome!!! Your strength has been evident from the beginning and I can see you healing and moving on from this a lot faster than some. You should be proud of yourself!

I’ve stuck with you. Keep going! Those glimmers will get bigger and bigger until it’s your new life xxxx

Hi @PoleaxedAndSome
Just read your thread from the beginning. How absolutely devastating for you and the girls. You deserve nothing but happiness in your future. Sending you all much love. Stay strong x

Really pleased at least some light's appearing at the end of the tunnel, Poleaxed; that's the way it often goes and naturally you'll still have bad days, but here's hoping the better times only increase

I wouldn't worry too much about some rag running the story either; sadly the whole thing's only too common, and with you (sensibly) not giving identifiable details it's unlikely to be traced to you

So again without posting giveaways, how's his behaviour at the moment?

It's still so fresh. If you can already see glimmers you must be doing well.

I am still here @PoleaxedAndSome and so pleased to hear you are finding glimmers of hope! I hope it continues and you arrive at a place that brings you the peace you deserve💐

Thanks everyone. A few things have helped it be less of an utterly miserable month than it might have been. Probably mostly that whenever I’ve had time without the kids, I’ve had a wee queue of friends and family waiting to babysit me. I’m sure we all know what it’s like when you have a young family, it can be really hard to make time for yourself and for socialising. It’s actually been lovely seeing so much of my favourite people. Also, my kids have been mostly ok- while they’ve definitely had their sobbing broken hearted moments, they’ve also had lots of their usual happy little moments. It is almost impossible to feel down when you’re in a kitchen dance party with little ones. My floss has come on well this week, im told. And finally we’re booked to go abroad with my parents in six weeks and I'm really looking forward to that. Bits and pieces like that are making me realise that while my life won’t ever be the life I thought I had chosen, it also doesn’t have to be a sad little half life. Not by a long shot.

And to answer a PP- he is all over the map again this week. He wants me to view a house with him (no). He wants me to joke with him over text (no). He asked if he could come use the hot tub once the kids and I were in bed this weekend (hell to the no, you moron).

he’s really in denial, isn’t he? What a git.I’m so pleased you are surrounded by supportive people. I think that suffering this in silence nearly killed my best friend. She ended up taking him back and spends her life running around placating him so that he doesn’t have any more “breakdowns” and behave like that again. (He was always self-indulgent, but this has gone to extremes.)

He asked if he could come use the hot tub once the kids and I were in bed this weekend (hell to the no, you moron).

Jesus Christ.

Oh to have the gall of a mediocre man, eh?

You sound fab OP. He sounds pathetic.

@youvegottenminuteslynn 😂 yes, would that all women had the self assurance of an average Middle Aged white guy… we’d be unstoppable. 😅

On a more serious note I’ve spent a significant portion of today being sucked in to his emotions. He has been messaging non stop telling me how low he is feeling, how he can’t carry on, how he can’t get the darkness out of his head, how he’s scared of what he might do. I just keep replying saying ‘I’m sorry you feel so low. Im not the person to support you through this. Call the Samaritans if you can’t talk to friends. If you keep sending me stuff like this, I WILL call the police to do a welfare check’. Which sounds firm and no nonsense but behind the scenes I’m terrified he’s about to off himself and I won’t have done enough.

God he's manipulative.

Follow through then - if he's saying he's having suicidal thoughts then call the police for a welfare check.

I used to run around after an ex of mine every time he threatened this (usually after he cheated on me... again 🙄) and after I finally said no more, I'll call for a welfare check if you do it again - I followed through and he was so mortified when they found him happy as larry with mates over that it acted like a circuit breaker.

And the thing is, if he is serious and required psychiatric help then it's also the right thing to do because they'll assess and help him.

Stop engaging though. Tell him to only contact you regarding the kids otherwise you'll need to block him and speak through a third party.

Drop the rope OP.

Honestly, nothing else works with perpetual victims like him who make a mess of things then insist the aftermath is worse for them than anyone else.

Drop the rope. Disengage.

That's good advice, above. OP, I have a horrible feeling he is going to start getting nasty. He won't like how well you are (or seem to be) coping. You have done so well. Stay strong x

What a turd burger. You are dealing with your own emotions and responses to having been cheated on, your kids feelings, etc because you have to be the adult AND now he’s sending you this?!?!
Tell him to man the fuck up.
And call the police. If he’s not genuinely suicidal, It’s harrassment.

When my ex husband kept threatening suicide I would do 1 text about the Samaritans and then mute his notifications.

By responding the same thing time and time again he has your attention and knows your worried and his plan of getting inside your head is working.

The chances of him killing himself are very slim, I would ring his family and tell them whats going on and they can keep an eye on him.

Fear of suicide was what kept me in a crap marriage for far too long. When I realised that if suicide was successful it would not be my fault I was able to walk away.

@PoleaxedAndSome

Just read your whole thread after being led here from another.

I want to give you hope. I'm 2 years on from where you are now.

I fully remember the pleading "it was only messaging", then accessing the account where he'd been camming and having 1:1 rooms with men and women(both directing and performing), the email discovery of the meet ups with men and women stretching back over 10 years "I never did it, I liked the thrill of knowing I was wanted", (LIAR!) even finding a picture on his Chaturbate page of his cock out at work in another person's house.

I remember the depth of "who the fuck are you?" I couldn't, and still can't, believe that the man I knew and loved and had been married to for over 20 years was doing what he was doing, was freely lying to me daily and was camming with our then young kids in the house.

As time went on, the script trotted out. It was all my fault, he was never happy, he felt forced to marry me, I was so controlling...

He was bothered about his kids in the early days. Now he sees my son twice a week and never sees my daughter... Their choice. They know what a cunt he is as he told my son precisely what he'd been doing in detail, the twat.

He's now "in love" with a woman in America he met online. Decided to let me know via the kids arrangements online diary they were visiting a sex club. I've added this information to "you sad sad sad man, I pity you" box in my head.

Be prepared as time goes on for it to become acrimonious...my ex still thinks I over reacted and that it was my fault he behaved the way he did. He turned vile... He even moved back into the family home unannounced 10 months after moving out as he wanted to see the kids more and presumed the horrid messages we'd been sending each other wouldn't translate into a vile home life for our children. Twat. So I had to find emergency accomodation for the 3 of us in 5 days to get out of our family home as he insisted on staying.

Be prepared for friends to be wonderful initially but to end up telling you how painful they found your break up too. I had 3 great friends who needed me to manage their grief at losing my ex in their life about 6 months after the split. One rarely talks to me now... She can't believe the man she looked on as a brother did what he did, and somehow sees me complicit in it all. She feels I betrayed her and lied to her. Sad, but true.

As for me... Here's your hope... Divorce came through Dec. Just bought a lovely house with the teens. Career is looking the best it has for ages. There's an innate happiness I now have. I only have 2 children to look after, not 3 (teens+manchild). I am so settled and happy.

About 3 months after separating, I decided I wanted some decent sex and found a couple of fwb online. I had an absolute ball with them for over a year. So much fun and I loved having carefree sex as a tonic to the shit ex was putting me through.

I ended things with the FWBs last September, as i have a lovely new man in my life. He was my friend for years, and is now more than that. He supported me well through my break up and after I was through the worst of it, we got together. When some of my marriage hang ups/trust issues come out with him, he helps me see them for what they are, then always tells me he'll help me fix my head back to where it should be. He's just wonderful.

So please know you will get there. The journey to where I am now was horrible at times, but you get through the horrid for the sake of the kids. Keep rising above the shit... You need to know after it's over that you didn't sink to his level. Get a good solicitor. And keep taking each day as it comes. You'll get there, promise.

All the best OP

Also need to say, why are so many men so shit with this stuff. I see from this, and other threads, that my story isn't unique. Before my ex, my friends and I had never experienced anyone in our wide circle using online sex networks and lying so blatantly about it. I see on MN there are many of us women looking at long term partners after discovery thinking, who the fuck are you.

Paula Hall's work is very good in this area and details the rise, and ease, of sex addiction.

Bottom line though, why are men needing their ego's stroked so much? I hope I've raised my son to be secure in who he is and not need the external validation his prick of a father craved.

The manipulation is off the scale, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

If he does anything to himself (which he won’t) then it is NOT your fault.

What a wankbadger.

You are incredible. You've handled this extremely well. I wish every person going through the same could find the strength you have.

It doesn't feel like this now, but he's done you a favour. Keep looking forward.

Wow op.

Well done for how you've handled this entire situation! 10/10
I hope you're well and will now be able to live a good life prioritising yourself and the children.
Don't ever blame yourself, it's ALL his fault this is happening! & who knows maybe when time is right you will find someone who deserves you and your time! X

Superb post, Jumpking, and like yourself I'm also waiting for OP to say he's turning nasty when nothing else works

The suicide threats are completely standard with these types, Poleaxed, and as ever you're handling it brilliantly. He's facing a future where sooner or later what he's done will become known, and since his only interest is himself he's twisting like an eel - even if you end up having to block him he'll say that's your fault too for "cutting his off from his family"

On a practical note, and remembering the "turning nasty" thing, I do hope you're making preparations for finances and so on? Because while he may claim his head's a mess, i doubt it'll stop him trying to get in before you

It's all an act.

Don't believe a word, he has lies running through him like a stick of rock, he's not your problem anymore, let others deal with his guilt, shame and loss.

You are doing remarkedly well.