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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever ‘just texting’

515 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 15:56

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

OP posts:

Amrapaali · 16/04/2022 18:08

Just saw your update. "Wanted to cuddle!?" Jeez!! So cringey... throw him out on his ear

Spaghag · 16/04/2022 18:10

Cuddle eh?

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP, when it happened to me (about 6 years ago now), I was surprised at which things hurt the most. Strangely, I found myself being devastated at the emotional intimacy rather than the actual sex if that makes any sense.

I could sooner forgive a drunken one night stand than an emotional affair which ultimately never got as far as sex.

over2021 · 16/04/2022 18:13

Yes, it can be 'just texting' but that 'just texting' will 'just' ruin your self esteem. It's disrespectful and childish- clearly he needs constant reassurance and ego stroking which would be unattractive to me.

I'd be showing him the door. Twat.

Giveitall · 16/04/2022 18:22

I would say “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Play the long & very calm game.
If in your heart you want to try & make your relationships better & get over his betrayal have a calm heart to heart with him in due course. Not when you’re feeling worked up. If he poo poos your concern, tell him “You have to allow me my upset/suspicions/anger & set my mind at rest. You owe me that.”

Meanwhile, keep your antennae up, if you don’t feel bad about doing so, interrogate his phone occasionally just to peep & see what’s happening. Might not be good for the soul but at the end of the day, evidence is power.
I know how you feel. I’ve had to deal with something slightly similar but we got over it & put it behind us. All good now.
BTW:
If his phone is password protected just take your time & position yourself such that u can see over his shoulder when he opens it. After a few crafty looks you should get to a stage where you can recall the numbers or the swipe pattern. That’s the long game, the ace up your sleeve.

supersop60 · 16/04/2022 18:23

Yes over2021
It's the need for an ego boost that is pathetic.
As a pp said - when the other person becomes the emotional 'go to' person, it hurts. The emotional intimacy is very destructive to the marriage partner.
What are you going to do, OP?

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 16/04/2022 18:31

Ask her to screenshot ALL their messages and send them to you, not just some...if she won't or says they are deleted then that would make me suspicious....for all you know he may have messaged her about you finding the messages on his phone and warned her in advance to say nothing was going on.....plus if they are more than friends and there is an affair, she's not going to admit it if she knows he's not admitted it

The fact that he deleted it is suspicious, if it was innocent, why not just say to you, oh its such and such from X hobby I go to, ...the fact that he is secretive and deleted them would make me not able to drop it until I saw the messages

(He can restore the messages on his phone if she won't give them to you)

SweetSakura · 16/04/2022 18:33

I am going through similar. I have made it clear that in my eyes this is cheating and we are going to counselling which he organised. It is an awful betrayal and I think a lot less of him and don't think I will ever fully trust him again. It's awful to realise that you can be having a good life with someone but they still can't resist the temptation of messaging (much younger) women

Giraffesandbottoms · 16/04/2022 18:38

“He would never have acted on it” implies the messages are of a sexual nature IMO

PinkiOcelot · 16/04/2022 18:44

So sorry OP.
I think the fact he drip drip drip with they wanted a cuddle means there’s a hell of a lot more to those messages. He’s lying to cover his arse. Prick!

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 16/04/2022 18:47

SweetSakura

I agree with you that it's hard to trust once it happens ...it happened to me 13 years ago with a man I was engaged to, we had been happy previously then over the space of two years I found out he was texting three other women (stated off flirty and was heading towards being full on relationships...he was talking about having a future with them)...he gaslit me each time that he was innocent and it grinds you down and erodes at you....finally the final straw was he was going overseas for work (found out from him being tagged on Facebook that he'd met up with a woman from social media and moved in with her)...I finished it and told him never to contact me again, I am worth more, I deserve to have someone that is faithful to me...of course his relationship didn't last with her and he tried email me saying "I think we should start being in contact again"...I never replied, changed my email and kept the mantra in my head that I am not going back to that crap again, I'm worth more...it felt like a weight off my shoulders the day I finished it, because I realised then how much anxiety and stress it was causing me...life felt better without him,

sonjadog · 16/04/2022 18:50

Christ, what a dick he is. I would make him reinstate the messages, read them and then tell him to fuck off.

RoyKentsChestHair · 16/04/2022 18:58

What the fuck is wrong with men? So sick of these twats, blowing up their families for a cheap thrill. Tell him to grow the fuck up or get out. Dick head. I’m sorry, you must be heartbroken but I’m just so disillusioned with them all it’s easier to be single

SweetSakura · 16/04/2022 19:00

I insisted on full access to his phone and all apps/email etc and read it all before making a decision whether to even try counselling. If he didn't reinstate the messages as asked that would be the end of the relationship for me

Original poster

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 19:01

I have insisted on them being downloaded. I can’t figure out how to read them- he’s showed me files with names of chats so for me example Instagram- chat- Bobby. (Fake name) But he says the chat with her isn’t there- he showed me. This is most likely a lie of course, but my tech knowledge isn’t great. He did email me the link to his Instagram download though. I couldn’t find anything there either. Though I did see that he had searched for his ex an hour before searching for this girls profile. So that’s a nice touch on top.

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 16/04/2022 19:02

@Spaghag. I totally agree with you— finding multiple emotional poems/songs my H wrote and then recorded himself singing/playing them —-about some young woman we both knew- and who he was also texting all the time, was far more hurtful to me than if he had a one night stand whilst on a work trip etc. I found out 11 years after the event as I found the poems /songs and recordings— if I had found out at the time I would have undoubtedly ended it. These days I just am far less trusting- although I haven’t had reason not to trust around other women— it’s sad OP, by doing this they snuff out the specialness in my opinion even if it’s only emotional ego boosting.

wingscrow · 16/04/2022 19:07

He is only sorry that he got caught...If you had not seen the messages, what do you think would be happening now? I bet he would still happily be texting/flirting with that woman.

Value yourself and get rid of this one. You will never be able to trust him again anyway.

Hurstlandshome · 16/04/2022 19:08

Oh dear, searching for his ex too.
He’s obviously getting an itch and I suspect would have taken it further with the Instagram girl.
I think in your gut you know the answers. I wish you all the best xx

Tiredacheyandreadyforbed · 16/04/2022 19:16

Ltb

Rewis · 16/04/2022 19:17

This sounds like a case where the coverup is the worst than the crime. Assuming it hasn't gotten physical yet. If he would come out and say that he enjoyed attention crossed the line in the text messages, maybe few reasons (insecurity or other stuff). He's sorry and then comes up with the action plan it could be talked out and getting to root problem etc.

But covering, drip feeding, saying all of it was just silly, would never do anything. That's just bad.

Original poster

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 19:20

@Rewis YES this is how I feel. My brain is just too scrambled to be sensible. It’s the lying and hiding and drip feeding that’s done it.

OP posts:

over2021 · 16/04/2022 19:21

Btw OP I wouldn't message the woman again- she's already lied to you once in that the messages were not flirty so you know where her allegiance lies.

Original poster

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 19:21

I do actually believe it was still only the build up to cheating… but it hardly matters does it. A favourite quote from today - I really don’t agree that I would have acted on it, my bottle would have gone long before then. Great, so if you had the balls you’d be ball deep? Fab. Exactly what I envisaged when we made our vows.

OP posts:

Bizawit · 16/04/2022 19:23

Messages, about shared hobby, far as she was concerned, not flirty or anything like it

She wants you to believe she doesn’t think “morning you” and “you look 🔥” are flirtatious messages??? This just says it all: she’s complicit and also lying. Definitely there is more here than a couple of flirty texts .

TheRossatron · 16/04/2022 19:24

It doesn't matter whether he's been shagging her from here to Kingdom Come or whether he's "just" messaged her. This (in my view) is infidelity. I would literally file for divorce over this. He is a disloyal, cheating cunt.

WirKindervomBahnhofZoo · 16/04/2022 19:25

Exactly the same has happened to me. Saw flirty messages which he downplayed and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. What a fool I was. Two weeks later caught them together in his car. Needless to say we are getting divorced.

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