Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

What the fuck is wrong with men?

So sorry OP. Been through similar and was gaslit that it was all my own low self esteem/nothing in it. They are cunts

Fuck that dickhead. So sorry OP, what a shitty position he has put you in. Can you (and DC) take some space from him short term while you make some bigger decisions? Xx

@PoleaxedAndSome

And finally some 12 hours later and after telling him I’ve messaged her asking for screenshots we are beginning to approach the truth. The messages were ‘sometimes’ sexual. Asking each other what they are in to and so on. Apparently she used to be in to girls. Jesus wept. I thought guys were able to see through that shit to what matters by their 20s. I still get the impression that it hasn’t progressed to real life but to answer a PP this is due to lack of opportunity. They only see each other about once a month at a club and I don’t think they seem to have built up to arranging to meet outside that.

How dare he jettison me and the kids lives like this? Someone tell why the freaking fuck it’s fair that I now have to choose between staying and being miserable and going and giving up half of my kids lives.

I'm so so sorry OP.

Please take as much as time as you need. Don't let him rush you into anything.

I understand how worried you are about the impact on your DC. This really isn't on you - please don't let him make you feel that it is. It was his choice to do this and to continue to put her first EVERY SINGLE TIME he messaged her.

It would be worse for your DC to see a resentful, untrusted relationship and consider that to be normal or healthy.

Thank you everyone for commenting. I still don’t know what I plan to do. Obviously while that’s up in the air I am reluctant to talk to people in real life. Lots of lovely supportive friends and family close by who would decide they wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire if I let this slip. Maybe no more than he deserves but still- I need to be sure of my actions before going down that road.

She has now blocked me on Instagram (I promise I didn’t go full bunny boiler on her, I was calm and polite and asked for screenshots as he has deleted their conversation. She immediately blocked me). So they are both lying and I will never know the extent of what’s going on.

He wants to put it all down to a mistake (of course he does) and says he just didn’t think about the potential consequences or he would have put a stop to it (of course he wasn’t- he was too busy thinking he’d get some)

@MJ123 what’s best for my kids is being with me full time. They are small, I work part time, I’m very much their person. It is not to their benefit to be away from me EOW. And selfishly I think I could tolerate a hell of a lot to have them 100% of the time.

That’s not to say my husband isn’t good with them, he’s very involved with them. Does absolutely his fair share of kid stuff. Can’t believe he would risk their happiness to get his end away.

I'm so sorry. Take your time. Move at your own pace.

Personally I think he's damaged your relationship and your love and there won't be any way you'll stay in the long term.
But that's just my view.

The only thing the matters now is that you start considering how best to protect yourself and your children.

He is not worthy. Remember that.

Would you financially be able to split?
I’m so sorry

Absolutely not acceptable!
YANBU!

I’m very sorry OP, what a shit he is. There’s no need to make any decisions yet, it’s very easy for strangers on the internet to rush to “get rid” but in reality it’s not that easy. In your position I am not sure these messages would be enough for me to choose to only see my children part time, and reduce my standard of living although of course I would be fucking livid and certainly considering all the options.

What he does need is the absolute shock of his life to ensure he feels the full consequences of his actions. I would cut him off completely for a while, be completely cold and ideally get him out of the house. He’s been indulging in his sordid little fantasy online and now he gets to experience the reality of what that means for his life should he choose to make the same poor decision again. It also gives you some space to think about what YOU want and what is best for your children, without him simpering about and gaslighting you. Take your time and take care of yourself.

He wants to put it all down to a mistake (of course he does) and says he just didn’t think about the potential consequences or he would have put a stop to it (of course he wasn’t- he was too busy thinking he’d get some)

LOL. Of course he thought about the consequences. He knew exactly what they'd be the minute you found out, which is why he tried to hide it.
He didn't think he'd get caught, which isn't the same, at all.

@JustWantToCry000 yes and no. I could get by particularly if I increased my hours. It would be a very different life from what they all - and I - have been used to. I certainly couldn’t stay in the house we are currently in. It’s a recent move and one we made knowing we’d be sorry if we let the house go past us and that in a few years I’d be full time again and things would even out financially. It needs two incomes to run.

I really feel for you. Having read this the red flags are that he does know her in person, if it was one of those insta girls with their fake lives and lived miles away with no actual contact then you could look to work through it but it seems like he knows her from a club and he looked her up on insta and added her as a friend so he instigated it because he obviously fancied her in person. If you don’t at least chuck him out and really scare him but rather try and be reasonable with this from the beginning then I think he will just continue to do this with other women. I know you want to keep you family together but I would only do this if I saw my other half physically heartbroken otherwise you are both likely to live together but be resentful and that’s not a good environment for your kids.

I also hate to say this but I’d also be worried about the timing of his messages to this women and the improved intimacy with you guys, especially if he is doing to you what he’s been talking about doing to her. Was he really with you in those intimate times or thinking of her? Sounds like he was infatuated if he’s messaging first thing on a morning too!!

Really sorry for you. What a horrible shock. Maybe you could work through things with counselling? It does sound pretty disrespectful of him though. Slightly more serious than being a bit flirty in tone :(

I’m so sorry OP. I hope things work out really well for you and your kids xxxx

@kaleidoscope123 yes, I think I would probably feel the same. If it was entirely online I would be disgusted- but it’s not: this is a person who he would meet in a few weeks time whether or not they actively arranged a hook up. It’s someone who would be at club Xmas parties etc. This is not pie in the sky, it’s a real person who he is likely to encounter whether he’s trying to or not.

My gut feeling is it didn’t get physical but it would have in time. He didn’t stop; realising what he was risking. He was caught. And then he lied a whole lot about it. He knew full well how bad it looked.

I don’t know how I could stay and ever trust him again. And if I can’t, what’s the point? But equally - bigger picture… my kids are so settled and lovely and happy. They love us both and will often run in for ‘family cuddles’ with all of us. From that; to every other xmas? My god.

Sorry I think I’m rambling. I feel shell shocked. It’s like a bad dream.

I’m so sorry OP. That’s so shit. I’d be torn the way you are. I feel like a terrible feminist for saying it but shared custody of my kids/every other Xmas is not an arrangement I would want either.
Do you think this nearly ruining everything would be enough to stop him doing anything like this in the future?? Although difficult as it shows how do you know what anyone is doing/thinking.
Has he given any reason for it starting? Or just started flirting and he thought ‘why not?’
I think you could try and work in things depending on what he says? It’s total shit and of course if you didn’t have the children you could just leave but you do have the children and so that’s very different IMO. Like you, I think I could put up with a lot to avoid some EOW arrangement.

Sorry but if you're basing decisions around 'losing" your kids 50% of the time, and it nog being in their interest to be away from you every other weekend.....most single Mums do not find they have thst problem with their exec, thry find them have the opposite problem ie he plays Disney Dad much much less than 50,% of the time.

He may sag he wants then 50 - 50 initially to try to get out of child maintenance but theyre way too selfish, lazy, inept at looking after thyu own kids, too caught up new relationships etc to actually follow through on that.

[quote PoleaxedAndSome]@kaleidoscope123 yes, I think I would probably feel the same. If it was entirely online I would be disgusted- but it’s not: this is a person who he would meet in a few weeks time whether or not they actively arranged a hook up. It’s someone who would be at club Xmas parties etc. This is not pie in the sky, it’s a real person who he is likely to encounter whether he’s trying to or not.

My gut feeling is it didn’t get physical but it would have in time. He didn’t stop; realising what he was risking. He was caught. And then he lied a whole lot about it. He knew full well how bad it looked.

I don’t know how I could stay and ever trust him again. And if I can’t, what’s the point? But equally - bigger picture… my kids are so settled and lovely and happy. They love us both and will often run in for ‘family cuddles’ with all of us. From that; to every other xmas? My god.[/quote]
I haven't read the whole thread but I've read all of your posts OP. Your husband was talking to someone he knows about how he'd like to have sex with her. That's the line. They didn't but he wants to. You are worth so so so so much more than that.

Sorry to hear you are going through this shit. I went through something similar, although my DH reconnected with his first love during the first lockdown. After 30 years together I was beyond shell shocked. DH couldn’t accept that it was “cheating” because they had not met up or had any physical contact.
It took him a while to accept that he had been a total shit. OW was also very defensive claiming that there was nothing wrong in old friends catching up. OW then proceeded to stalk us online and in real life.
I think she has given up, I hope she has. DH had a stroke a month ago, possibly a form of karma and life is a whole other type of hell.
I chose to stay, didn’t have much choice during lockdown and we worked through it. Unfortunately I know feel like I have lost him all over again. No one knows about his EA so I’m sort of stuck with him. I’m sure I would be heavily judged for leaving him in his current situation.
Also DS has just done GCSEs and now is studying for Alevels so not a good time to jump ship.
I very little tiny bit of me regrets not leaving then OW and him would be dealing with his health issues. I feel completely trapped. Fortunately he is likely to make a full recovery but relationship is yet again being tested to its limits.
I think you need to give yourself some space. Maybe arrange for your DC to stay with relatives while you talk. It may not be the end but you will need a full reset of your relationship before you can move on.
I agree this is your DH’s “bad” but OW didn’t discourage him. It always involves two people who are completely selfish to their own ends.
One of life’s most important rules should be to always finish one chapter before starting another.

It’s not a mistake though is it? A mistake is grabbing the wrong car keys because you were in a rush and didn’t check. This is a series of deliberate actions and choices.

I’m so sorry OP. I’d ask him to leave for a few days to give you some space to really think.

I would be devastated by all this and in shock too. I don’t know much about technology but I think he must have been able to download the deleted messages and then deleted again before he sent to you which raises an even bigger res flag. If he isn’t being honest then you can’t trust him.

You don’t need to make any permanent decision now, I would personally try and scare him but saying you need some time alone to processes all this and can he go and stay somewhere else. He doesn’t need to tell the people he stays with the real reason why he is there if you’re not ready to tell people yet but you need to set the tone that this is completely unacceptable and there his actions have consequences.

If you split you could develop a good co parenting position where you do things with the kids together and spend xmas together still. The worst case would be if he does this again when you tried and put his and the kids happiness above your own and he did it again anyway, then I don’t think you’d mentally be able to co parent so easily with him especially if he stayed with affair partner!

In my experience second chances don't work. But I have given more than just second chances in both my major relationships about deal breaking behaviour - because it is impossible for me to leave unless I am really convinced I need to..

You need to tell the soon to be ex to get the fuck out and to somewhere else for a few days so you can sort out your feelings