Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

I think some space would help in the short term for sure. There’s way too much buzzing round my head. I am lying wide awake now thinking- he was going to take the kids to do
an Easter activity at his club today, knowing she was scheduled to be there (sorry bit deliberately vague). She messaged him saying she was there and there was an event on, and he came to find me in the house saying he would take them both for a few hours. (This was the convo that caused his phone to be lying open, I followed him through chatting about it). He had already then said, ah it’s probably too tricky for them yet at this age, and then all of life went sideways.
I am only just now as I lie awake overthinking realising that he wanted to go see her with our kids in tow. What the actual fuck 🤯

There is zero chance he could have done anything with our kids there. They are too small and need supervision. It’s almost worse though!!!! Like a family day out or some shit? What has happened to my life in 24 hours.

My stbxh did this to me.
It was so shocking.
I know men think with their dicks but to have his head turned so quickly and risking throwing away our marriage is hard to comprehend.
I know I have more loyalty than that.
It didn't work out with us. Once he started talking to her, he probably thought he could do better. I didn't need that kind of betrayal, uncertainty, and disloyalty in my life.

@RantyAunty did things develop quickly in your/his case too? I have no real reason to doubt my husbands version of the timeline in my case. If he’s minimising it it can at worst be by a month or so (I can be sure of this). But even if so, they would appear to have gone in the space of 1/2 months - he says 3/4 weeks- from zero to emotional and sexual intimacy to the point that he’s texting her good night and good morning, and considering taking our children to a place he knows she will be when they’ve been sexting. Like you I’m shocked by how quickly it’s developed given it hasn’t started as a sexual thing

Sorry you're going through this. The girl will lie of course especially if she knew he was married.
She's not going to admit in writing to sleeping with a married man.

Your focus should be on him and not her. As much as it hurts, try not to go into autopilot. Gather the facts and take time to decide.
When I found my ex's texts I didn't ask if it went beyond that, as the texts were enough to count as betrayal.
I carried on as if nothing had happened even though he knew I'd seen them.
It wasnt spoken about and a few months later whilst calm and collected, I ended it.
Apologies and begging from him even though he knew it was truly over.

This was due to forgiving a different ex and living through 4 years of internal torture. The trust was gone and I was always wondering where he was and with whom.

Basically, you know yourself, so do what's best for you.
What the kids need most is a healthy and happy mum.

PP said it, what the fuck is wrong with men???

so pathetic

Similar thing happened to me too OP. I 99% believed nothing physical happened - but 1000% believed it could have eventually, if I hadn't found out. I limped on. Couldn't forget it. Trust gone. What got me, he wasn't my guy anymore. He was some secret guy, living a double (on-line) life. Nothing was ever the same and I ended it shortly afterwards, for some other arsehole reason.

@Angrymum22

Sorry to hear you are going through this shit. I went through something similar, although my DH reconnected with his first love during the first lockdown. After 30 years together I was beyond shell shocked. DH couldn’t accept that it was “cheating” because they had not met up or had any physical contact. It took him a while to accept that he had been a total shit. OW was also very defensive claiming that there was nothing wrong in old friends catching up. OW then proceeded to stalk us online and in real life. I think she has given up, I hope she has. DH had a stroke a month ago, possibly a form of karma and life is a whole other type of hell. I chose to stay, didn’t have much choice during lockdown and we worked through it. Unfortunately I know feel like I have lost him all over again. No one knows about his EA so I’m sort of stuck with him. I’m sure I would be heavily judged for leaving him in his current situation. Also DS has just done GCSEs and now is studying for Alevels so not a good time to jump ship. I very little tiny bit of me regrets not leaving then OW and him would be dealing with his health issues. I feel completely trapped. Fortunately he is likely to make a full recovery but relationship is yet again being tested to its limits. I think you need to give yourself some space. Maybe arrange for your DC to stay with relatives while you talk. It may not be the end but you will need a full reset of your relationship before you can move on. I agree this is your DH’s “bad” but OW didn’t discourage him. It always involves two people who are completely selfish to their own ends. One of life’s most important rules should be to always finish one chapter before starting another.

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened and I hope you are taking care of you self 💐

@Walkingalot have you been separated long, now? How have you adjusted to the new version of your life? I keep thinking forward to the future, all the life events we would have been at together picturing me there myself and I just feel absolutely overwhelming sad about it all. Of course it’s all brand new for me, I have only had this knowledge for a day and my head is all over the place.

I’ve just met him in the kitchen (clearly no sleeping is being done tonight!) and said I think I’ll maybe go stay at my parents with the kids for a couple of weeks to get my head straight. He seems shocked at the notion this would be necessary and when I said I was serious he said ‘don’t do that to the kids’. Like I chose ANY of this.

You’re not doing anything to the kids. He is. How dare he come out with something like that.

If he was truly worried about the kids he would have said that he would go and come up with an excuse that the kids would have accepted.

Dickhead

Don’t let him put this on you, OP. You’re not the one doing anything to your children. His action, his sexual incontinence, his cheating behaviour. This is the consequence of him being a lying wannabe cheat.

I hope you get some sleep tonight

I think you need to look up “the script” on these boards and see if perhaps your really bad time wasn’t in fact related to when this little lady turned up in his life. I have a feeling that she’s one of those destructive women that may not actually want him, but wants to be wanted. A game player. She gets off on the chaos she causes. She feels like a powerful chess player moving her pawns all around a board and they don’t even know they’re playing the game. As for him… typical male ego. He was stupid enough to fall for it ego first. It’s like men at this age are cloned from the same master cell.

'Don't do that to the kids'?! He can fuck off. You've not done anything, he's the one who's decided you and the kids are less important to him that his infidelity

@Fraaahnces at the risk of sounding incredibly naive, I don’t think this is a long term thing. I’m as confident as I can be that he didn’t actually know her before the turn of the year. I think it’s more likely that the bad patch has caused a fundamental shift in our relationship that has allowed this to be possible.

It is 100% all ego for sure. They both told me that they started talking about (2 particular things) that they share an interest in. Things that he is very experienced in and she apparently is keen to get in to. He will have absolutely loved that. I am a competent confident person and I don’t need a big man showing me the way and haven’t done for many a long year. Likewise he will have bloody loved the attention/sexual chat/tension. We used to be incredibly sexual as a couple and that has most definitely not been the case since we had the kids. Though like I say, things had been good of late because I was so keen to get back to a happy place with him.

I think it's the price that you pay these days, with almost everyone on phones all the time. There are many people who will be inclined to use their phones, for cheating, flirting etc and all the worrying things. It is so easy,for people to text who they like, and get carried away with things,, There is always a lot of snooping on phones also. then the whole dam mess causes so many problems.

Oh OP. I’m sorry. You’ve suggested that you stay with your parents for a couple of weeks to get your head straight and I think that’s wise. I’m sure the kids will enjoy a little “Easter break” and it gives you the chance to explore your feelings without him being present. Also…he's done this to your family, he’s put you in an impossible position and he’s betrayed your trust. Suggesting that you’re doing this to the kids (when he’s the one that made terrible choices and put your relationship on the line) is just plain manipulative. You sound so lovely and are doing your best to figure it all out and find a way through. Sending love and strength 💛

Sounds like it's just conversation so far but is heading towards cheating. Otherwise what's the point in the flirty messages ?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this… Still look up the script. If you decide that you are not going to stay with him, he will probably try to lay the blame on you. I would suggest that you don’t try to protect his feelings or social reputation and let your friends know about this as soon as possible (strike while the iron is hot.) If you have some tech savvy friends, get them to dig up the files with the conversations. He’s been a shit. He will gaslight you and say that he wouldn’t have had to turn to her if….. X…. and try and make you carry the load.

I’ve been involved in cases like this as the woman. He’s done it before. Will do it again. It’s a boost: flirty as you say.
Most men do it at some point. The older you get you realise.

@PoleaxedAndSome I’ve just been where you are, but worse and it is indescribably horrible. In my case I discovered about 6 weeks ago that my husband had been having a year long emotional and physical affair with someone from work, and was currently away on holiday with her. My whole life has been ripped out from under me, my 20 year marriage turns out to have been a lie.

In his case he felt we were distant and I was withdrawn - with a degree of justification, but he’s really exaggerated the negatives - and began having emotionally intimate conversations with a woman at work who provided empathy and her own emotional revelations. Started in tea room, progressed to restaurants, then to her house where, inevitably, it progressed to sex. This escalation occurred over a period of weeks.

Like you, I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone irl so have no support, don’t want the kids to find out until I decide what will happen. MN is very quick to say ltb, but in the real world it’s not that simple. My children would suffer enormously, I would have a much reduced quality of life, and would be starting again alone in my late 50s. These are all worth considering.

I think at a minimum if any form of marriage is going to survive our arsehole h’s need to be sincerely and genuinely contrite, and show it; they need to immediately and completely cease contact with the ow and fully commit to the marriage; they need to be be fully open and honest about what has occurred; they need to give you complete and open access to all sm accounts, texts, emails etc including handing over all passwords; they must take full and genuine responsibility for their actions and allow you to express your pain and anger fully and as often as you need to without becoming defensive.

Mine has done all this - I’m seeing how it goes. Good luck with your situation, but make sure you make the right choice for you and your kids, regardless of what anyone on here thinks.

It’s extremely unfair that through no fault of your own you are now in the middle
Of this clusterfuck. Do you have a spare room so he can live there but separately

@Soupercat we’ve always agreed that once a cheater always a cheater. It’s come up over the years as people around us have cheater or been cheated on. Every single time we’ve said, you can’t take somebody back in that situations. It’s permission to keep doing it. Now he’s acting surprised that i still think this, because he’s changed the goal posts.

I know making decisions is so tough but plesse bear in mind he will do it again.
Men who need their ego boosting by having enotional affairs will always need their ego boosting.

My ex husband did similar for 17 years, our whole married life, ut was always with people he knew (work colleagues, old school friends, friends if friends), anyone was fair game in his pursuit of ego boosting.

I didn't leave the first time because he threatened to kill himself, I didn't leave the 2nd time due to the same reason.
I also stayed because our DD adored her Dad and I didn't want to cause her issues.

Each time it happened he promised not to do it again and then regular as clockwork within 6 months I caught him again...this was my life for so long.
There was no trust, I hated him,I didn't love him but stayed out of duty.

I ended my marriage 4 years ago this month, it was the best decision ever.
I have my own issues from being in an emotionally abusive marriage (I didn't know I was until I left) plus the emotional affairs.

My ex husband has had depression for years, it was tough to live with him.
Our DD has her own issues also, she is now 19, but she has a rescuer/florence complex and stayed with her last boyfriend far too long despite verbal abuse because 'he has no one else'

My marriage had loads of issues but the main one was the emotional affairs and I was sure to put these in my divorce.

When my ex husband realised I was serious about divorce he told me he did it all for an ego boost, would never have left me for any of them and thought I'd just put up with it!!
Honestly he's a dickhead.

My DD told me last week that her Dad has 3 women from his new job all chasing after him, I bet he loves it as he'll love the ego boost.
It has not escaped me that he is proud of this and felt he could tell our DD.

Men like this don't change.

Its a very upsetting time for you.I know it will be good to get away to your parents for a few weeks but why are you being inconvenienced why not him as you haven't done anything.