Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

@Giraffesandbottoms I do. But it’s obviously not a long term solution. I feel like if I let him stay close, I’ll be swept up by the mundane if that makes sense. A week goes by, two, a month, all the while we are being decent to each other for the kids and before you know it, ah may as well forget it and move on. That’s what’s best for him but not necessarily for me.

@PoleaxedAndSome

Totally understand - could just be a good interim measure

Taking your children to meet her would be the deal breaker for me. He wanted to show off what a great dad he was and give her an idea of what her life would be like with him. You don't take your kids to meet someone who you're only interested in shagging.

If you are going to stay you should insist he finds a very good marriage counsellor, you need a safe space to poor your heart out without getting gaslighted.

This is heartbreaking to read. If he has such an issue with you staying at your mums house with the kids to get some space from him, I'd be suggesting he can bugger off for a couple of weeks. Either way, you're entitled to your space to think how you want to move forward - and he will have no choice to accept that (just don't be guilted by him him into staying). You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders and lots of support around you if you did decide to leave him. What a twat of the highest order.

I utterly despise this kind of seedy, sordid shite. Why do people have to be so grim and so utterly fucking selfish???
I’m so sorry op, what a kick in the teeth this must feel like. Personally, I’d be going nowhere. I would however make HIM leave. Make HIM come up with a plausible explanation to tell the children (work/family issue, whatever) and get him out and away. He will resist this, because, frankly, he has been lying to himself. Telling himself “it’s not that bad” and that he hasn’t actually “done” anything. But, on some level he knows he has massively betrayed you and he needs to get with the programme, sharpish. Demand some space for yourself, to think things through. Can your relationship survive this? That is entirely up to you. None of us know you, or him. He could well be a serial philandering tosser who repeats this kind of revolting behaviour. Equally, this could be a one off, which scares this shite out of him and makes him see what he actually has to lose. For what it’s worth, I don’t believe the “once a cheat always a cheat” crap but I’ve seen this type of thing play out many times. If he wants your relationship to survive, he is going to have to do some serious work. He’s going to have to face who he actually is (a lying, cheating shit bag) and get some therapy around why he could convince himself that that was alright? If he won’t put his back into becoming a better, safe partner for you, or, if you decide you could never trust him again, then you know what to do. But this has all literally just happened. Get yourself some time and some space to work out what’s best for you. People can and do survive this, either together, or separately. You WILL get through this xxx

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, OP. You must be devastated.

I think you're right about 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'. While he's got a dick and a mobile phone, you'll never be able to trust him.

One word of warning: be prepared - he may get incredibly nasty if you end things. I think there's already a hint of this in his 'why are you doing this to the kids?' comment. Unbelievable.

Giving you a hug

To need some space to clear your head. You can't do that in the same house.

When he said - don't do this to the kids (stay at Grandparents) you should say - fine you go then.

Because he should go.

Long term I don't know, that's something you need to work through. But he needs to leave right now. Make it very fucking real to him what's at stake.

He needs to be out of the house for 2-4 weeks minimum.

You need the time to 'think things through' and then you leave him hanging.

He's taking you for granted. You need to re-address that balance by pulling the rug from under him.

Then in a couple of weeks figure out what you want to do long term e.g counselling or seperation.

You can't make a decision like that overnight, so he needs to pack a bag and go. If he won't then you go to Grandparents.xx

[quote PoleaxedAndSome]@Giraffesandbottoms I do. But it’s obviously not a long term solution. I feel like if I let him stay close, I’ll be swept up by the mundane if that makes sense. A week goes by, two, a month, all the while we are being decent to each other for the kids and before you know it, ah may as well forget it and move on. That’s what’s best for him but not necessarily for me.[/quote]
This is a really, really good point.

Hope you managed to get a bit of sleep OP

@PoleaxedAndSome

I’ve just met him in the kitchen (clearly no sleeping is being done tonight!) and said I think I’ll maybe go stay at my parents with the kids for a couple of weeks to get my head straight. He seems shocked at the notion this would be necessary and when I said I was serious he said ‘don’t do that to the kids’. Like I chose ANY of this.

Tell him to go.

How are you feeling today OP?

Sorry you are going through this. I would think long and hard about my next move.

I would ask him to move out. If he refuses or has nowhere to go carry on with your plan to get away t9 your parents for a while. Just give yourself some space.

I would also ask him to move out whilst you consider your future. But he takes full responsibility for his half of parenting obviously. He doesn’t get to have a taste of freedom whilst feeling like the victim as he’s been thrown out of the family home.

I would find it hard to get past arranging for her to meet the kids today. It’s like he could imagine today was an idealised version of his life, keeping the kids but with a new hot partner. So sorry, OP.

@Candleabra (and others!) he is going to be out after the kids are in bed tonight. Talking about a fortnight as an initial period but I’ve made it clear it isn’t a fortnight and you’re back. It’s a fortnight ‘out of my face’ so I can think straight and it may well end in permanently getting out of my face.

What I would say is, there is no chance of him avoiding kid responsibilities. Or wanting to do that. He has been a very involved and hands on parent since they first came along. He regularly takes them on trips or for treats by himself because he enjoys it. He’s scheduled to take them away for a weekend with a male relative and his kids in the next few months, I’m just back from a weekend with friends having left them all at home happily together. He is also unlikely to screw me financially because of them - we have both always prioritised their material needs/wants over our own. They are very well loved little kids on all sides. Devastating that this wasn’t enough for him.

@JustWantToCry000 thank you for asking. And thank you to everyone messaging who helped me limped through yesterday and last night. I’m obviously not ok! But feeling a bit better that there’s a plan in place for him to leave for a while now.

This situation happened to me 2 years ago. It was grim , draining, plus going through all the therapy - we still have it , as does he - but ultimately I couldn't upset the kids' lives. He was/is extremely apologetic (this was key) and similarly says it was huge mistake (although in his case, it had become physical, and dragged on for far longer). Like your case it seemed to be the most dumb, dick-led thing that was all just too convenient due to phones. Shocking thing to do when you have young kids tho.
Sometimes I think we'll be ok. Sometimes honestly it's unbearable. But those latter moments are becoming less frequent.

I would say, take your time.

Oh OP, I am sorry. Stay strong. You’ve done the right thing.

One more word of caution: if it does end up with you splitting up, don’t rely on him playing fair with kids and finances. Hard to believe for you now, but I have seen friends screwed over like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like their exes had complete personality transplant. Not something to unnecessarily worry about now, and I’m sorry to heap more coal on the fire - but stay wary of promises to do the right thing - he’s already a less honourable man than you thought two days ago.

@PoleaxedAndSome Not sure if you saw my post at the end of page 5?

Your comment I feel like if I let him stay close, I’ll be swept up by the mundane if that makes sense. A week goes by, two, a month, all the while we are being decent to each other for the kids and before you know it, ah may as well forget it and move on is exactly what happened with me too.

We'd ignore each other for 2 weeks (he would stonewall me if I tried to discuss things) and then gradually we'd talk about normal stuff little by little until eventually I would think that it wasn't so bad and sweep it all under the carpet and life continued.

As I knew this happened without fail, when I ended my marriage I told everyone immediately because I knew pride would stop me going back to him and it did.
After a month I remember thinking 'is sexting/emotional affairs ŕeally that bad, at least he didn't physically cheat' so I'm really pleased I had real life support.

I hope your few weeks apart helps you get your head straighter than if he was in the house with you🤗

IM so sorry OP- it’s bloody awful when you find out someone you 100% trusted has quite a shitty side to them— I found out 11 years after the time period so didn’t leave but have never felt exactly the same. I couldn’t believe it— if anything he was the one who ‘loved’ far more than me and isn’t remotely a player. He did have a lot of shit going on at that time , terminally ill mum, business issues etc and I think used it as a mental diversion— but regardless of the whys , it still dropped him a few grades in my eyes and I also totally went off him sexually as well. I have stayed for practical reasons as am now 60 but I’m still mentally reserving the right to think fuck off . I think you need at least 3 months apart, if I had my time again that’s what I would do. Give you time to think and give him either time to stew and reflect or if he is indeed an arse- move on. Without space you can’t think clearly as they are always ‘there’ clouding the issue.

Good that he is leaving, this will be much less unsettling for the kids.

I can’t actually believe he was desperate to take the kids to see her at the club! Im not sure I believe that he hasn’t met up with her before if they are that cosy about meeting up with his kids! Does she have kids or was she there on her own?

There’s obviously much more damaging information on that insta messenger!

@PoleaxedAndSome

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you, OP.
I have been there. I know the affair was only online (because we’re in the UK) and she was in America- and so I got a lot of “well nothing happened so it’s not really cheating” - you might want to prepare yourself for that.

I tried couples therapy but we only had two sessions before I realised that it was a dead end. The therapist was a complete moron who wanted me to feel sorry for HIM because being bullied at school still affects him.
What broke me out of my daze was my sister saying “You know you’ll never trust him again, right? How could you?” And I knew she was right. It was an upsetting thing to hear but a necessary thing to hear.
Our son was under a year old so I’m fortunate that he wasn’t old enough to remember his dad moving out. I’d recommend making a plan as soon as possible. Kids are resilient (which again is another horrible thing to have to say- nobody wants their kids to have to be resilient), but a prolonged period of uncertainty I think is worse for them than just adjusting to a new life.

He’s shown himself and what he thinks of your relationship.

The best advice I can give is do what you feel is best for you and your kids.

Ok after some digging and review of this YouTube m.youtube.com/watch?v=Rl_A1EjLmLc link on the process to download old Instagram messages, he should have been sent a link to his ema address which then send a link to a zip file with all the information there. Did he send you the zip file separately or did he show you the original email from insta and download in front of you? If he didn’t do this in front of you then I would request he does this today as a priority, don’t give him any warning! Watch the YouTube video first so you understand the process.

If it’s not there I would kick off and say what are you hiding you have obviously slept with her then. Push him into the situation of full disclosure by accusing him of the absolute worst.

In the long term if he is really showing he is devastated (and I am certainly not suggesting this as I couldn’t get past the trust thing myself) but he would need to give up this club/hobby for it to have any chance.

Hi Op

I have been reading since yesterday and woke up this morning thinking of you. The updates have just made me feel even more for you. What an absolute horrible situation, I am so so sorry this has happened. I can really feel how shocked and unexpected this all is for you. Many of the things you describe of your family resonate with my own life so I can empathise why this has completely overturned your life as you know it in 24 hours. What a stupid stupid man. He has broken what you have built for a few measly messages for his own selfish gain.

But I really did not what to talk about him rather talk about what is most important right now. You and your children. You absolutely deserve to have the space and time to come to terms with this. You are in control of the situation and get to decide how to proceed forward. You will feel angry initially but then deep sadness will creep in and you’ll begin to even miss the fact he’s no longer there. And you’ll feel conflicted with your emotions but it’s important to remember your responses are valid and to feel those emotions. You need to experience the grief before you can begin to heal from it, however you choose to do that.

I am sorry for what has happened and hope you know there are people both on MN and in life that will support you throughout. Please feel free to PM if you need to talk / rant.

There may have been happiness because of him, but there can also be happiness after him. Both of these things can be true and coexist - you do not have to live a life less than what you dreamt

[quote PoleaxedAndSome]@JustWantToCry000 thank you for asking. And thank you to everyone messaging who helped me limped through yesterday and last night. I’m obviously not ok! But feeling a bit better that there’s a plan in place for him to leave for a while now.[/quote]
I wish I'd had your strength when my now exH did this to me before we were married op.

It never goes away, it's always there in the back of your mind. He carried on doing it over a 5 year period and (and did done other unpleasant shit) and STILL paints me as the difficult one! I'm glad you're getting some space from him.